Chapter 7: Le Commentaire Candide or Tokyo Euphoric Slap-Happy Sideshow

Jina-chan: Hi guys! I'm back from the cyber-grave! I have bad, bad news to give. My computer passed away in an electrical surge removing all of my fanfiction's chapters. The original chapter seven has been removed along with chapter nine. So I'm going to have to struggle on this one because neither chapters were written down. I haven't touched them since December and I can't stop kicking myself for not posting them. I'm dreadfully sorry for posting up this shot of humor in a desperate attempt to give readers what they want. Gomenesai to the 5th power! . ; Hope you all enjoy this little skit. ( I hope I don't get suspended for this poorly written chapter at two a.m.!)

(Note: All the yami's have their own bodies in this 'chapter.')

Isis. "So here we all are trapped in some creepy room. I just know Jina-chan is listening to our every word."

Malik. "She did this to us in The Boarding House! Man, is she good. It's like she gets us in our sleep and drags us to this place. And it works every time."

Kaiba. "What the heck am I here for? Do I even show up in this pathetic excuse for a plot?"

Honda. "Obviously you must be the one making it pathetic."

Kaiba. "No one asked for your opinion, spear for hair."

Honda. "And my hair will be put to good use!" (stands up)

Yugi. "I see lots of strange things sometimes. Like yesterday I saw this big bunny with pink fluffy paws and he sounded a lot like Grandpa. But the bunny said, go away I'm busy right now. I think he was reading a comic about two guys who loved each other. I didn't get it though. Especially when their clothes came off.

Yami. "That bastard stole my yaoi!"

Everyone else. (stares with open jaws)

Yami. "Sorry."

Ryou. "Don't you have yaoi too, Bakura?"

Bakura. (reddening) "Shut up, Ryou." (gives him a noogie)

Anzu. "Oh it's okay Bakura-kun. I have yuri at my house. And Girls Gone Wild."

Jonouchi, Honda, Otogi, and Isis. "SERIOUSLY!"

Everyone but Isis. (stare at Isis)

Isis. "What? I study anatomy."

Kaiba. (snort) "Right."

Isis. (turns around, blushing)

Marik. "Dammit, who stole the cookies from the cookie jar?"

Honda. "Not me!"

Otogi. "Couldn't be."

Marik. "Then wh—"

Malik. (smacks a hand over Marik's mouth) "You're not even in this story!"

Marik. (pries himself free) "I am now!"

Malik. "This can't be true!"

Jina-chan. "I didn't invite him and I'm the author!"

Marik. "Okay seriously, who stole the frickin' cookies? I just baked them and some pig took them!"

Jina-chan. "You bake cookies?"

Marik. "In my spare time."

Isis. "Which you have a lot of since, you don't exist in our world."

Yami. (turning green) "Oh my Ra, you baked those? I think I'm going to be sick!"

Marik. "Well excuse me for running out of chocolate chips and using dung beetles instead!"

Yami. "DUNG BEETLES!"

Jonouchi. "I didn't know those were edible."

Kaiba. "Unless you're a freak who lives in the dark, they shouldn't be."

Yami. "Jina-chan, may—"

Jina-chan. "It's Jina-chan-san to you."

Yami. "Jina-chan-san may I be excused?"

Jina-chan. "Yeah sure, I didn't want you here anyways."

Yami. (runs out immediately)

Everybody. (sighs of relief)

Malik. (pats Marik on the back) Well, I guess you can do something right for once. Maybe I should give you a doggie treat.

Marik. (glares) "Shut up, uke."

Malik. "Oh no you didn't."

Bakura. "Oh yes he did."

Malik. (takes off his earrings) "Girl hold my 24K bling." (puts it in Anzu's hands)

Marik. "Bring it, sissy-pants!"

Bakura. "I want a clean fight! All punches below the belt!"

Ryou. "I think it's no punches below the belt."

Bakura. "Shh, they don't need to know that."

Malik and Marik. (beating each other without a stop)

Jonouchi. "Marik has just gotten a hit to the face! Oh man, Malik just received a kick to the balls. Like he has any—"

Honda. "Folks I can't believe it! Jonouchi has just been dragged into the fight! It seems like a gangbang! No wait I don't think that sounds right."

Otogi. "It seems to be a two on two battle here."

Malik. "We wouldn't have to fight you if you two didn't shut up."

Honda. "Don't hit the messenger."

Marik. "Allright then."

Malik and Marik. "We'll kill the messenger!"

Jonouchi. "Well this is just wonderful."

Malik and Marik. (cracking knuckles, whipping out weapons)

Honda. "I've got an idea."

Jonouchi. "What's that?"

Honda. "Split up and run."

Jonouchi. "Go!"

(They run at breakneck speed only to slam in to the walls. They fall to the floor unconscious at the exact same time. Malik and Marik relax.)

Malik. "Well that was fairly easy."

Bakura. "How about we ditch the morons."

Everyone. (nods in agreement)

The cast minus Yami, Honda, and Jonouchi are in an auditorium. Jina-chan appears on stage.

Jina-chan. "Welcome to the Tokyo Euphoric Slap-Happy Sideshow! We've got quite a show! This is all unrehearsed and live, people! Enjoy! First up is Mizaki Anzu, Kaiba Seto and Moto Yugi!"

Confused, the said cast members stepped on the stage.

Jina-chan. "Yugi; you are an octopus dying of thirst, Anzu; you are candy selling girl trying to make enough money to buy a car and Kaiba; you are a very, very horny man."

Kaiba and Anzu. "WHAT!"

Yugi. "I want to be candy girl!"

Jina-chan. "Whoever plays the most convincing role wins two million yen!" (By the way, that's like two hundred thousand U.S. dollars.)

Kaiba. "That money is less that what I make in a day."

Jina-chan. "Okay then we'll raise the stakes. If you are the least convincing you have to spend the night with a room full of cannibal transvestite strippers and respond to their every whim."

Anzu and Yugi. "Cool!"

Jina-chan. "Um, okay." (sweatdrop)

Kaiba. "Oh my gosh! Let's do this!"

Jina-chan. "You get three minutes; go."

Anzu. "Excuse me sir, I need you to buy my candy so I can buy a car. Care to buy a pound of vanilla coated cookies?"

Marik. (ears twitch) "Did she just say cookies?"

Kaiba. (haughty look) "If you were a cookie, could I coat my vanilla on you?"

Malik. "I'm going to divorce that skank if she says yes."

Anzu. (blush) "Sir, I don't know what you mean."

Kaiba. "Oh come now, you're not that little. You must wonder what's under the belt."

Anzu. "What will it take for you to buy my candy?"

Kaiba. "Well… if you come to my house we can arrange a (smile) reasonable price."

Anzu. "I need that car."

Kaiba. "Honey I don't know about the car but you'll get a bumpy and long ride."

Jina-chan. (to herself: Pbht. I can't laugh. Oh my gosh I have to stop before I roll on the floor laughing.) "Okay guys time! Yugi, you didn't even say a single line."

Yugi. "I don't know what sound an octopus makes!"

Jina-chan. (forehead smack)

Marik. "Duh! It makes a squack sound, you fool!"

Malik. "Good Ra."

Ryou. "How did you come up with that idea?"

Marik. "They have beaks! Haven't any of gone to school?"

Ryou. "Those are squids. Not octopuses, Marik."

Marik. "You're just jealous of my smartness."

Ryou. "If that's what you believe."

Jina-chan. "I'm sorry but Yugi you were the least convincing so you will go to the room of said strippers."

Yugi. "Yahoo!"

Stripper #1. "Yeah, we get a midget this time!"

Stripper #2. "He's so cute! I love his hair!"

Yugi. "Hi everyone! Nice to meet you!"

Stripper #4: "Polite too! We aren't going to eat him this time, are we?"

Stripper #9: "Of course not!"

(The troop carry off Yugi)

Jina-chan. " Kaiba won but we'll the money to charity."

Anzu. "What? I need that money to go to America!"

Jina-chan. "A car, America—when do you stop wanting things? Anyways, next Marik Ishtar, Bakura what-is-it Bakura? Ha ha Bakura Bakura. Oh and Otogi whatever-your-given-name-is." (they get on stage) "Your challenge is to run twenty laps around the stage."

Bakura. "That's easy."

Jina-chan. "With a box of a dozen live alligators!"

Otogi. "Aw! Crap!"

Jina-chan. "If you get bitten, drop one or stop running, you have to be put into a tank with the same alligators."

Marik. "What do we win?"

Jina-chan. "A cookie."

Marik. "Yes!"

Jina-chan. "Go!"

(Marik takes the lead, Bakura goes at a steady pace and Otogi doesn't start.)

Otogi. "I can't do it."

Jina-chan. "Tank, please!"

Otogi. "I can do it!" (takes off)

(On the last lap, first is Otogi, second is Marik, third is Bakura)

Marik. "No way Emo Girl you are not getting my cookie!" (speeds up)

Otogi. "Emo Girl? Just for that I'm going to eat my stupid cookie!"

Marik. "You fat butt!"

(Right before Otogi crosses the finish line, Marik throws an alligator at his leg.)

Otogi. "NOOO!" (falls flat on his face, spilling his reptiles)

Marik. "YES!" (dances like Michael Jackson in Bille Jean)

Jina-chan. "Wow, Bakura has won! Here's your cookie!"

Marik. "WHAT! You idiot, put down my cookie!" (Throws down his gators and rushes across the finish line)

Bakura. (bites) "Yummy, Macadamia Nut." (not meant to be taken perversely, gutter peeps)

Jina-chan. "Here's your milk, Baku-chan."

Bakura. (regressing in mentality aka acting like a child) "Tell me a bedtime story." (cuddles)

Jina-chan. (to herself: the sleeping potion worked! Mwuahaha!) "Oh you'll get a bedtime story. One that you'll love, uke."

Malik. "Jina-chan! You are with ME, not that womanly beast!"

Jina-chan. "You're one to talk. You're just jealous cause you ain't gettin' any!"

Malik. (to Isis) "I'm not womanly, am I?"

Isis. (reading yuri) "Of course not."

Marik. "Hey! I want a cookie!"

Jina-chan. "Oh alright already!" (throws a cookie into the tank full of alligators)

Marik. "Yahoo!' (leaps in)

Jina-chan. "You're next, Otogi." (chucks him in)

Marik. (just about to snag the cookie when an alligator grabs it.) "NO!" (swallows water and starts to drown)

Anzu. "Oh my gosh!" (jumps onto stage and pulls him out)

Ryou. "Who knows CPR?"

Anzu. "I do!" (performs mouth-to-mouth)

Marik. (shoots up and away from her) "Whoa, whoa, hussy, I don't swing that way."

Anzu. "I swing both ways!" (smiles)

Ryou. "Baku-chan does too! I mean, uh, never mind. I've said too much."

Isis. "Where's Jina-chan?"

Jonouchi. "Did the room just shapeshift or what?"

Malik. "How the hell did you get in here?"

Yami. "It seems we are in the shadow realm and Jina-chan nor Bakura are present."

Yugi. "Hey Marik can you come with me to the bathroom? I'm scared."

Marik. "Of course." (evil grin)

Yami. "I'll go."

Yugi. "You're the reason why I'm scared. You read yaoi; who knows what'll you'll do in there."

Marik. "Come on, little Yugi." (snakes an arm around him)

THE NEXT DAY!

Isis. "I guess it's up to me to end this. Jina-chan and Bakura are missing. Malik stormed off and I have a strong feeling that his yami and Yugi are getting a little kinky in some bathroom upstairs. And yes the Shadow Realm has stairs. Good day to you, readers."

Unknown voice #1: "Our Midget escaped!"

Unknown voice #2: "I want my money!"

Unknown voice #3: "Jina-chan, we are so over!"

Unknown voice #4: "That condom was not strawberry flavored!"

Unknown voice #5: "I want my damn cookie!"

End of Chapter 7. (If you considered this a chapter. hehe)

Credits: I have to give credits where they are due.

- "You're just jealous cause you ain't getting any!" and "Girl, hold my earrings!" Those quotes rightfully belong to Em.

- "That condom was not strawberry flavored!" Sophia said something similar like that.

- "Who Stole the Cookies from the cookie jar?" I have no idea who made that one up.

- the Yu-Gi-Oh! Characters. Belongs to dundundun The Creator! Except for Malik, I bought him off the internet. (Malik: WHAT? I told you we are through.)

Notes:

- Um, The Boarding House is my second fanfiction and it's really old but I'm planning on posting it here (and not get it deleted like last time. Somebody ratted on me!) The Boarding House has random ideas like the above chapter for a plot.

- Don't even ask what happened to Bakura. Instead tell me what you think happened to him.

- Hi, Carinne! How are ya, ex-auntie! (whoa, I almost wrote ex-husband. XD That would have been weird if I kept it like that. Carinne, my ex-husband! LOL That is weird!)

-Hi, Jessa-chan! Did you like the story? It's not angsty this time:)

-Hi, Jasmine! Do you think I'll get in trouble for leaving special notes for y'all. Was any of the boys that you "talked" to named Sasuke? I don't think I told you this but I know a guy named Sasuke who looks like Sasuke!

- Hi, readers! Please me lots of comments, even flames are okay! But don't threaten me with "I shall NEVER read your story again because this chapter was stupid!" Someone did that to me before and I felt so bad I couldn't update anymore. I might just give you all a cookie for reviewing! (sweatdrop)