No replies… Boo! LMAO, j/k! Here's the next chapter anyway…hehehe. I hope someone out there is reading and enjoying;)

Snowie

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, just borrowing!

Chapter One: Pain

They'd buried her today. If you could call covering an empty coffin with earth and placing above it a cold stone with a name chiseled in it burying someone.

It seemed to him that it was just a stupid tradition. What was the point of burying an empty box? It didn't give her or anyone else peace or relief from suffering. It was a box! A stupid fucking box!

Pacey let out a sigh and leaned his head back, closing his eyes. He hated this. He hated sitting here, feeling their eyes on him. Knowing what they were thinking. Feeling their pain and their pity.

He hated them for it.

No big surprise there. He hated everything right now. He hated the pain. He hated the guilt. He hated Mama Sal and Larry for killing her. He hated God and fate for taking her away.

He hated her for being gone…

But mostly… Mostly he just hated himself, for being the one who'd dragged her into the darkness of his nightmare life.

Before he had come back, her world had been bright and innocent. Clean. Painless. Happy.

And then he'd returned home, dragging the demons of his long absence with him.

She'd saved him. She'd looked into his eyes and seen someone worth saving. She brought him hope. Life. Peace.

And how had he repaid her? He fell in love with her. She became the one person he truly needed.

She'd become the loss that would hurt him the most.

He'd made her a target.

For that, because of him, she had died.

And now he wanted the world to go away. He wanted to close his eyes and have everything disappear.

Then he could be alone.

He could stop.

He could stop moving and thinking and speaking. He could stop pretending to be 'okay' and 'brave'. He could stop pretending to be alive.

No one seemed to understand. No one seemed to care that everything was over. They didn't seem to realize that without her, nothing else mattered. They just didn't get it. He made it through everything for her. Fought his way out of the darkest hole imaginable for her! He'd survived for her.

She was what kept him moving. Kept him sane.

He didn't know how to live without her.

He didn't want to.

David Alexander watched Pacey from the doorway and what he saw scared him. There was none of the reaction that he expected.

Oh, the pain was there. There was no denying that. The room was saturated with it. It was inescapable.

What he was missing was the rage. The battle. That spark that told him that Pacey was still in there, fighting.

Instead there was a blank expression.

Surrender.

A darkness that was all-powerful and consuming.

No matter how bad things had been with Pacey in the past, there had always been fight in him. Anger. Pain… Life.

Now that was gone.

It was like there was too much pain for him to feel any other emotion.

David made his way over to Pacey slowly, his eyes never leaving the young man's face, a sense of dread creeping over him. The closer he got, the more he saw to worry him. He stopped next to Pacey's chair and stood there for a moment, willing him to look up without prompting.

Pacey didn't move.

David sighed softly and reached a hand out, placing it gently on Pacey's arm.

Pacey jumped slightly, his eyes springing open.

It took him a minute to focus on David, but when he did David felt his stomach sink.

His eyes were empty except for a pain too deep to understand or explain. The surrender was even more clear now that they were face to face.

Pacey had given up and David wasn't sure if there was anything in the world that could ever make him care again.

"Dr. D," Pacey said, nodding slightly in greeting, his voice emotionless. "Nice to see you again."

David sighed. "You don't have to do the polite thing Pacey. Not with me."

Pacey laughed bitterly. "Is that why you're here? To give me sage advice and tell me that it's okay to be hurt and angry right now? What? You think cause you 'saved' me before you can do it again? Well I've got news for you Dr. D. You were never the one that saved me!"

"I know that. C'mon Pacey. I've always known that. It was Joey all the time. Anyone could see that. But now… No, Pacey, I'm not here to save you. I'm here to help you save yourself."

Pacey laughed again. "And why should I even try? She's gone, Dr. D. This world is stupid and useless without her. There's nothing left to fight for."

"There's always something to fight for, Pacey," David said softly. "There are so many people who love you, that you love. Aren't they worth fighting for? Can't you try living for them?"

"I don't want to. Don't you understand? I don't think that I can. I fought through the pain because she made me believe that there was something in this world that made the pain worth it. I don't believe that anymore. All this world has to offer me is more pain. Why should I fight for that?"

"Because it's worth fighting for!" David said. "You might not understand that right now, you might not believe it, but it will get better!"

"No it won't!" Pacey yelled back. "You're the one that doesn't understand! I'll never believe in anything again. I only believed because she did. I only trusted because she told me it was safe. I survived because she told me I had to." Pacey shook his head, tears trickling unnoticed down his face. He wasn't even aware that he was crying. "Don't you see Dr. D? Can't you understand what this means? I was only alive because she was!"

"You can't give up!" David said. "I won't let you!"

Pacey laughed. There was no humor in the sound, but the bitterness had also disappeared. All that was left was a hollow sense of disbelief. "You can't save me, Dr. D. There's nothing left of me to save."