Well, I just felt like posting more, so here's the next chapter! Thanks to everyone who's replied! I'm glad that you're enjoying the story! Here's the next chapter!
Snowie:)
Chapter Three: Broken
Witter Residence...
Doug stared sightlessly at the creek, his mind in turmoil. He had come home looking for his brother, but he hadn't found him… But then, no one had seen the real Pacey since the day Joey had disappeared from the B&B.
Since he couldn't find his brother, staring at the creek had become a good alternative. As horrible as it sounded, the water had more life than whatever it was that was walking around with Pacey's face.
"Where is he?"
Doug looked up quickly, surprised at Jen's tone of voice. "Who?"
"Pacey. Where is he?"
Doug sighed, shrugging his shoulder's slightly. "Does it matter, Jen? Even when he's around, he's not. Something died in him when Joey did. I don't know if we're ever going to get him back." He looked away from his brother's friend and glared at the creek, his hands shaking in anger. "That bitch stole him from us. Again!"
Jen shook her head. "No," Jen said, her words holding as much anger as Doug's had… and not all of it was directed at Sally Anderson. "She stole Joey from us… Pacey, he just gave up."
The anger in her words sparked something in Doug and he turned his glare from the water to Jen. "Where the hell do you get off? Joey was everything to him!"
"Yeah," Jen said. "And he was everything to Joey, but that doesn't mean that he has the right to give up! The last thing that Joey would want would be for Pacey to be acting like this!"
Doug sighed, knowing the truth of her words. Even understanding the anger towards Pacey that was mixed in with the sorrow she felt for him.
He understood it, but he didn't agree with it.
"He didn't want to come back to us, you know," Doug said softly. "I mean he was here in body long before he really came back to us… And I know… I know that he didn't want to let any of us back in. As dark as it was on his own, it was safer than trusting in love to keep him whole." Doug sighed. "Joey told me once that Pacey wasn't broken, he was just bent… Even after all that he had been through, he wasn't broken, but he was afraid to trust. He was afraid to trust in love, in family. Joey convinced him that he could. He believed in love again… He believed in her." Doug looked at Jen, his tearfilled eyes meeting hers. "You're angry at him for giving up. Maybe you have every right to be. I honestly don't know. But for me… Pacey's broken now Jen. There are pieces of him scattered all over this fucking town. So don't go to him and give him all that 'she'd want you to be happy' bullshit! Joey understood him better than anyone and she would understand what's going on in his mind right now. He's gone Jen and the only person who would have a chance in hell of bringing him back died in a river with that fucking nutcase and her psycho son! Leave him the hell alone!"
Jen was silent for a minute and then nodded. "Where is he?" She said again, all the anger gone from her voice.
Doug sighed again, knowing that there wasn't anything else that he could say to Jen to change her mind about this. He looked towards the creek and then towards the bay. Towards the hill that climbed up behind the town and looked over the water.
To the place where those who were lost to the living went for their final rest.
"Where do you think he is?" Doug said, his voice gentle. "He's the same place he's been for the past week. He's with her."
Jen's face softened and her eyes filled with tears. "I didn't realize…"
Doug shrugged. "He only comes home when Dad physically makes him. There have been a few nights… I think he sneaks out of the house and sleeps up there. We don't know how to help him Jen. I know it seems like we've given up just like he has, but no one can get through to him. He won't talk to Gretchen. He won't talk to David. He looks through Mom and Dad like they aren't even there. Dawson's tried…"
Jen nodded. "He wouldn't talk about it," she whispered hoarsely.
"That's because Pacey slugged him and then threw him, and I mean literally threw him, out of the house. Joey and Dawson, they were Pacey's childhood, his sanctuary, his sanity… Without her, Pacey can't stand the sight of Dawson. They're too closely tied together in Pacey's mind." He looked at Jen sadly, knowing that she only wanted to help. "He's not going to let you in Jen. There's nothing that you can do to save him."
"So what you're saying is that we should just let him go? Just let him give up and waste away on that damned hill? That since all he wants is to die and join her we should just stand back and let it happen? Well the hell with that!"
"No," Doug said simply. "What I'm saying is this. You can go find him and talk to him. You can tell him that Joey wouldn't want him to act like this. That she would want him to be happy. You can yell and scream at him, call him a coward for giving up. You can cry and throw things and beg him to live again. Just don't expect him to care. Don't expect him to look at you and cry and say that he's sorry for giving up. Don't expect him to get up out of the dirt and the grass and say, 'You know what, you're right Jen. Joey wouldn't want this. I should give life another try.' Because it's not going to happen, Jen. It's not. He's dead inside and nothing that you or I or anyone else says is going to change that. Either he'll decide to live, or he won't. It's up to him and him alone."
Jen shook her head, clearly not believing what Doug was saying. "You can't mean that…"
"Haven't you been listening, Jen?" Doug said, frustration clear in his voice. "We've all tried. We've looked into his eyes and seen nothing looking back at us. Pacey's gone. There's no one there to bring back. Until he makes the decision to climb out of whatever stinking black hole he's in right now, there's nothing that we can do. So you can accept that, or not, but know that it's the truth."
"You're wrong," Jen said. "You have to be!" She put a hand to her mouth as if to physically hold in the tears that were threatening to fall. "We lost Joey! We can't lose Pacey too!"
"It's not up to you Jen," Doug said gently. "I know that it sucks to hear that. He's your friend and you want to help him. You should be allowed to help him and in different circumstances, with someone else, you'd probably be able to. But Pacey… He's not like you and me Jen. He didn't have a normal childhood with parents that loved him or ignored him. He spent his childhood with people who burned him with cigarettes for fun. Who beat and tortured him on a daily basis. Normal friendship rules don't apply here. Pacey has to do this on his own… and there's nothing that we can do but let him."
Jen shook her head. "No. No Doug. I refuse to give up. I refuse to sit back and watch him fall apart. You can if you want to, but I'm going to do everything that I can to get him back!"
Cemetery...
Jen found him right where Doug had told her she would. Sitting on the soft grass by Joey's grave.
Staring sightlessly at her gravestone.
Lost in a world that only he had the key to.
And the instant Jen saw him she forgot everything that she had planned to say.
She took a slow step towards him, wondering if he knew that she was there… If he would even acknowledge her if she were to speak to him.
She didn't think that he would.
They had all lost Joey.
They were all in pain.
But for the first time since Joey had died, Jen started to wonder if it was anywhere near the kind of loss that Pacey had experienced. Had she ever loved anyone this much?
Maybe.
But her childhood, as crappy as it may have been, in no way compared to Pacey's.
She had lost her best friend.
He had lost the light that had drawn him out of the darkest place that she could imagine.
She opened her mouth to speak but stopped herself.
This was wrong.
It was wrong of her to come here. Wrong of her to expect that she could just show up, talk to him and pull him out of whatever hell he was in.
Doug was right.
As much as she hated to admit it.
As much as it hurt.
She had to let him do this on his own.
She felt the sharp sting of tears in her eyes as she turned to walk away.
"Wait."
His voice was soft.
Sad.
It sounded foreign to her ears.
She froze in place and slowly turned to face him.
He hadn't moved and she found herself wondering if she had imagined hearing him.
She was about to turn again, when he began to speak.
"I know I should get up."
He paused.
Jen stood silently for a moment, wondering if she should say something.
"Pacey…"
"I know that I should get up, but I can't. I can't leave her. I can't let her go."
Jen sighed softly and closed the space between them. She dropped to the ground beside him and took his right hand in both of hers. "I don't want to let her go either," she said softly, laying her head on his shoulder. "But I know that I have to. I'm not going to give you any of that crap about what she would want you to do. How she would want you to act, because we both knew Joey. And we both know what she'd want you to do. It's okay to be sad Pacey. I just… I don't want you to give up. I don't want to lose you too. Maybe that's selfish of me, but right now, I don't care."
"I don't know what to do."
Jen sighed. "You can get on with your life and still carry her with you Pacey… But you have to let her go…"
"No," Pacey said. "You don't understand. I don't know what to do. I get up in the morning and the only thing that I can think of is coming here. She was my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night. And during the day I was with her or at least… at least I could talk to her. I don't know what to do when she's not here. All of my plans, everything in my life, it was all about her. I was going to junior college in Boston, so I could be near her at Worthington. We were going to get an apartment…get married when we graduated from school. We were making plans for the rest of our lives Jen. What am I supposed to do now? What do I do?"
Jen closed her eyes, clutching his hand more tightly as she fought back tears. "I don't know Pacey. I don't know what you should do… But I do know that you're not going to figure it out here. I know that all this place does is tie you to a future that was stolen from you. A future that you're never going to have. You have to let that go too. You have to sleep in your own bed. You need to talk to your family and your friends. You have to let us help you… And you need to decide what it is you want to do with your life… I can't make that decision for you Pacey. I just pray that you decide to do more with your life than sit on a hill and watch it go by, because Joey deserves better than that. Her memory deserves to be honored so much better than that!"
Five minutes passed, then ten.
The silence lay heavily on Jen as she waited for him to say something.
Anything.
Fifteen minutes.
Twenty.
Then, just as Jen became sure that she could no longer bear it, Pacey moved.
The cemetery remained quiet as he got slowly to his feet and held a hand out to her. She took it without a word and let him help her to her feet.
They stood for a moment, staring at the gravestone before them.
Jen listened as Pacey took a deep breath and let it go.
He turned without a word, heading for the gates.
He would try.
He would try to let her go. To live his life. To be alive.
He just didn't know if he wanted to.