Here's the next chapter! Thanks for the replies!
Snowie:)
Chapter Four: The Calm
Three months later…
The July night was chilly and a heavy mist hung in the air, wetting all that dared venture out into it.
Pacey sat in the wet sand, oblivious to the damp that had already seeped through his jeans and sweatshirt to his skin. He shivered unconsciously but cared little about the cold, his thoughts focused instead on the remains of the cigarette in his hand.
Not that he smoked.
He laughed silently at the half formed and completely inane thought.
Sitting there on the beach, smoking his fourth cigarette of the night…
And he was in complete denial…
He took a slow drag, pulling the smoke into his lungs and holding it there, counting the seconds as they went by.
Counting until a moment of absolute relaxation filled him.
Only then did he allow himself to exhale, watching as the smoke mingled with the mist…became one with it.
Life had begun to move on.
It was strange how it had happened.
One morning he had woken up and it was a little easier to get out of bed.
He had started to go through the motions of living, until finally, without even realizing it, he had just begun to live.
And at last, today, he had done it.
He'd made it through the entire day without losing it.
Not even once.
And he was shocked at how much it hurt not to hurt.
It wasn't that he had forgotten.
Everything in him rebelled at the very idea.
To forget would be impossible.
He was just…remembering with less pain.
It hadn't been easy for him to come to that realization.
And it was nearly impossible for him to admit.
He was afraid that people would take it to mean that she hadn't been as important to him as he had claimed… when nothing could be farther from the truth.
And that fear had brought him here to the beach.
With the cigarettes he refused to admit to smoking.
He shook his head slightly. It was funny the things that you chose to focus on.
Joey had hated the smell of cigarette smoke.
She'd gone on diatribes about how disgusting they were.
So, now, three months after her death, smoke wafting from the vile thing in his hand, he couldn't admit, even to himself, that he smoked.
It seemed like a betrayal of her.
But as sickening as the thought sometimes was to him, they made him feel… well, maybe not better, but definitely calmer.
And he needed that.
He needed to be able to sit in the stillness and silence without losing his mind.
He crushed the cigarette into the damp sand beside him, letting out a slow sigh.
Sometimes it amazed him just how random and… and stupid his thought process had become. Well, maybe stupid wasn't quite the word. Pacey laughed bitterly. But it definitely fit well enough.
He pulled his pack out of his pocket and stared at it intensely for a moment… The tired 'should he?' or 'shouldn't he?' battle raging in his mind. In the end, he gave in, as usual.
He was halfway through his fifth cigarette of the night when he felt, rather than saw, someone coming towards him.
He didn't move as that someone sank gracefully to the sand beside him. There was only one person he knew that would dare to approach him on a night like this. Only one person who wasn't afraid of his anger… Wasn't afraid of confronting him. Wasn't afraid of him shutting her out, because she knew that he wouldn't.
Damn Jen and her annoying abilities of perception.
He had somehow been able to convince the rest of the people in his life that he could walk away from them in an instant if they didn't leave him alone when he asked them to.
"I guess a little privacy is too much to ask for," he muttered resentfully under his breath.
"Afraid so," Jen said, blithely.
He could see her grin without so much as a glance in her direction.
Damn her.
"So here you are, sitting in the wet sand, doing that thing that you don't do…"
"Hi Jen," Pacey said softly, not moving his eye from the waves.
"Hi Pacey," Jen replied, rolling her eyes. She coughed slightly, waving her hand in front of her face. "So just how long are you going to keep doing this thing that I'm not allowed to mention to anyone? Or to you for that matter."
Pacey sighed softly, grinding the burning end of his latest cigarette into the ground with a lot more force than it warranted. "I don't know. Until it stops making me feel better?"
"There are a lot of things in this world that can make you feel better, Pacey," Jen said, exasperation filling her voice. "And most of them, not all, but most, would smell a hell of a lot better."
"Ah yes," Pacey said, nodding his head profoundly. "You are right. And more than that, I'm cured. No need to fret Jen. With your words I have seen the light. I quit. Right now. Done. Over." He turned his head, finally looking at her. There was no look of jest in his eyes, only fatigue and pain. "Will you go away now?"
"No," Jen said simply.
Pacey sighed again. "And somehow I'm not surprised."
"Of course you're not," Jen said, leaning her head lightly against his shoulder. Pacey shook his head slightly but didn't protest. "We know each other far to well for that to surprise you." She looked at the small pile of cigarettes in the sand. "I thought you had quit those vile things weeks ago anyway."
"I had," Pacey said with a decisive nod. "Three times."
Jen laughed softly. "So why was today such a good day to start smoking them again?" She asked.
And felt a jolt of fear when Pacey went completely still, drawing in a sharp breath.
She sat up straight and looked over at him.
"Pace?"
He looked at the ground, his eyes filling with tears.
"What is it, Pacey?" Jen asked, her voice taking on a hint of panic. "What happened?"
Pacey shrugged. "Nothing much. Not…not really. It was just… I don't know if I can explain it in a way you'll understand."
"Try," Jen said softly.
Pacey was silent for a moment and when he finally spoke Jen had to strain to hear him. "It was too easy to get up this morning."
"Too easy…?" For a moment Jen didn't think that he was going to continue.
When he finally spoke, she found herself almost wishing that she didn't understand.
"Sometimes it hurts not to hurt."
She sucked in a breath of surprise, unable to believe that he was still able to catch her off guard… Still able to say things that twisted her around and sent her hurtling for the ground.
"Oh Pace…"
Pacey let out a slight snort. "And don't say anything about how Joey would want me to move on and start to hurt less. I really don't want to hear it. I really just… I miss her Jen. I will always miss her."
"So will I," Jen said. And that was it. That was all she could think of to say.
Maybe that was all that needed to be said.
"Can we just…" Pacey said softly.
"Sure," Jen said, nodding her head slightly. She leaned into him and he put his arm around her. They sat there silently, looking out at the water. Listening to the ocean quiet.
Praying in vain for something, for anything to come and take the pain away.
Undisclosed Location…
The form on the basement floor seemed far smaller than it had just a few short months before.
And still.
So very still.
It was time.
At long last they had come to the moment that she had been waiting for.
Longing for.
He would finally pay.
She laughed, softly at first, then louder, until the sound filled the small concrete room.
He thought that he had felt pain.
He thought that there was nothing more she could take from him. Nothing more that she could do.
He was about to find out just how wrong he was.
She turned her back on the broken form laying in the basement beneath her and made her way to her son's room.
He was waiting for her.
It was as if he could smell the impending triumph in the air.
"Now?" Larry questioned, his eyes lighting with hope.
"Now," Mama said, smiling fondly at her only remaining child. "I think I'll give him a call. It's time our Sonny boy came home, don't you think?"
Larry smiled, his face lighting up from within. "I think so, Mama. God knows we've missed him."
And they laughed.
It would have been a cold and chilling sound…
If there had been anyone there to hear it.