Hi again! Well, what can I say? Well, for one thing, this chapter mentions a lot about God, and I hope nobody takes offense to what I say. I really don 't mean any of it, take my word on that. Also, this is the last time Athrun loses his head. He's gonna start returning to normal fairly soon, promise. Thirdly, this is the start of the relationship between Sai and Athrun, which is actually really fun to write. And forthly, and perhapes most importantly, thanks to all the wonderful reviewers! You guys make writing this story worth while! Thank you all so much!

Chapter 11: Bitter-sweet kiss

We satisfy our endless needs

And justify our bloody deeds

In the name of destiny

And in the name of God...

(The Eagles: The last resort.)

"You stupid coordinator! You exist because of science! Because we played our hand and made you, you don't deserve to exist if we say you don't!..." "You're against what God intended! He intended for life to be born, not fabricated! "...You don't deserve to exist!"

Words of hate and blows raining down on him. He honestly should have been used to it. A lot of the time, whenever he went out when he was younger on the moon, much the same phrases came from all sides, he should have known... He should have stayed in his room... He shouldn't be here, surrounded on all sides by the racists who'd killed his mother... He just wanted to get out of here, he didn't care about Sai anymore. Why couldn't they just let him leave?

"You're against what God intented, you filthy little coordinator!" The blow the man dealt him caught him unawares and threw him backwards, sending him crashing over a table. He lay there, stunned, for several seconds, tasting blood in his mouth. Sai's voice was yelling something, but he didn't listen ...

"Do you believe in God?" "I guess they just want to think they have one common father who'll protect them." "Because they're afraid of us."

"I don't think I believe in God, father. I believe in you..."

Against what God intented? I can't be against the will of someone I know doesn't exist... Don't you know, God is dead...

Slowly, ignoring the pain that had flared anew in his body, he rose and faced the man who had last spoken. And then, with a movement so fluid even he was surpried, he rammed his elbow into the man's throat and pushed him back into the wall. The man's eyes widened with disbelief and anger, the footsteps of several other people sounded behind him, vicious insults filling the growing silence. But he made his voice carry over all of them, a trick he'd learned in the army, though he kept it as calm as he could.

"God, huh? God doesn't exist! And even if he does, then it's murderous bastards like you that are against what God intended!" He increased the pressure on the man's throat, and the angry eyes only inches from his bulged as the man's air supply was cut off. He smiled grimly. "You spoke to me eariler of Heliopolis, you said you're family didn't make it off." There was silence behind him now, only one person appeared to be moving, but he was ignored. "You told me that it was mine and my army's fault, and I can't fault you on that. Know that I'm truly sorry." A hiss of anger burst from the soldier and he raised his hand in an attempt to force Athrun off him. It didn't work. "I am. Believe it or not, that's your choice! But I can't say the same for you! If you were truly sorry for the massacre that you commited, you wouldn't have said all those things to me!"

He could hear his voice rising and hysteria becoming imbedded in his words. His composure started to fray as anger and helplessness clouded his senses! "Heliopolis was a mistake! Was Junius Seven? You and your people murdered so many of my people, and set off the chain of events that caused the war. If you didn't want people to die, then you should have just thought about controlling your own hatred, you bastard!" There, it was offical, he was hysterical. The man seemed to be choking under the pressure he was asserting, but he didn't care. He didn't care about anything anymore, if the man died that was fine, he seemed so powerless to stop anyone from dying these days. The man was pushing uselessly on his chest, trying to get away from him.

"ATHRUN, STOP! You're killing him!" He didn't even get a chance to look around before someone grabbed both his arms and pulled him backwards. The rational part of his mind cowered away at the back as he lost whatever control he'd previously had. His started struggling viciously, words of hate he'd never thought he'd say spilling from his mouth.

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Kira coudn't believe what he was hearing, and, from the look on Sai and Milly's faces, they couldn't either. He wanted to believe it wasn't Athrun Zala saying these things. He wanted to believe it wasn't Athrun Zala struggling in his arms, screaming and crying so hard he could barely breathe. He wanted to believe it, because the Athrun Zala he knew was calm, gentle, understanding and artistic. Unnaturally good at everything and with fingers so nimble and gentle they could write on a grain of rice. Athrun Zala was quiet, Athrun Zala didn't cry, Athrun Zala did not hate people the way this person proclaimed to.

He wanted to believe it, but he knew he couldn't. It was Athrun Zala that had drawn thin lines of shock across every face in the room, mingling with anger on some. It was Athrun Zala wishing them all painfull deaths like the one's they'd dealt innocent civilians. It was Athrun Zala, but it wasn't. Athrun Zala, the war-torn and grief fuelled version. And he wanted his Athrun back. The one that had once said that he cried enough for the two of them. The one that smiled.

"And if that's the way you feel then you should have died at Alaska!"

Now he'd gone too far ... even Kira took a step backwards. The silence was deafening, and it seemed to be a good ten seconds before Athrun realised just what he'd said. His green eyes widened and he lowered his head. But he didn't apolgise, he didn't say another word. The tears fell harder and he wrapped his arms around himself, but he didn't say anything. Kira didn't move towards him, memories of the carnage of Alaska playing across his field of vision. He shook his head, trying to rid himself of the images. Trying to force himself back to present because people were starting to move towards Athrun, looks of unlimited anger on their faces. Athrun was in danger. He started moving forward, trying to block out the last thing Athrun had said.

Nobody got any further then two steps, because at that moment Captain Ramius walked in. Her brown eyes widened when the mess of the room made itself known to her, and she started running towards the center of the circle of soldiers demanding to know what had happened on the way. No-one told her, all the strength and anger seemed to have left the room. All she saw was Athrun in the middle of the circle on his knees, green eyes filled with tears and enough anger to make them evaporate on his face. Blood ran in a cool trickle from the corner of his mouth, and he seemed to have aquired several new cuts. A cynical smile curled on his lips and he held his bloody wrists out to her.

"I'm the coordinator, I guess you'll blame me. Slap on the cuffs, then..."

He said it so calmly. That coupled with the smile and the blood made the whole effect rather eerie. She stared at him for several seconds then turned her head away to call for Mu. Tears were building in her eyes and a sob was rising in her throat. She swallowed it, started shouting out orders for everyone in the room to report to her in half an hour, and then told them to get out of her sight. Nobody said anything as they left, nobody even looked up from their own feet. She caught Sai by the elbow as he was walking past her.

He turned to her, his orange glasses not quite hiding the tears that had built up in his eyes. She offered him a slight smile, then jerked her head at Athrun, who had managed to get his feet under him. "Take him to the infirmary, and don't let him out of your sight. Somebody just might kill him if he's caught alone," she whispered. Sai nodded and walked to Athrun, seizing him by the upper arm and guiding him out of the room. Murrue watched them go, and added in an undertone: "Or he might kill someone else." Turning to the wreckage in front of her, she swallowed and started picking things up.

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Athrun was still letting him lead the way, and he didn't try to fight Sai off. If anything, he seemed to move closer and walk beside him, rather then be dragged behind. He still walked with a kind of silent pride, and he still oozed confidence, but it seemed like looking through a cracked mirror. The image was there, only fragmented. Athrun stayed silent, seemingly oblivious to the looks he was getting on all sides. No-one was buying it, or no-one seemed to. It was fear of what had just happened that kept their mouths shut. Including Athrun's. It was only when they were alone in the infirmary did Athrun actually open his mouth again, and he spoke like he was spitting out the shards of his broken image."I'm sorry..."

Two words Sai had gotten too used to hearing, and he answered in the two words he'd gotten too used to saying. "For what?"

Athrun gave a harsh chuckle at that, blood dribbling down his chin. "Oh, don't talk like that! You know very well for what!"

They stood frozen in that stand off for several seconds, before Sai moved and began to wipe the blood of Athrun's face. And Athrun's strong but oh so gentle hand raised and wrapped around his. Sai froze, Athrun looked straight into his eyes. "I wasn't exactly a saint today. I said somethings that I know I'm going to be made regret, if not by the racist bastards, then by you." Sai froze, and stared at him, far to stunned to speak. Athrun seemed to correctly interperit his silence, though, and continued. "I wished death upon this entire ship, and that included you, and Milly, and Kira, and some others that I don't really want to see die. But ... I ... I ... well, Sai, um ... you kissed me today ... and, if you died ... would I ever get to ... find out ... why ..."

Athrun flushed, his face becoming so red that the distinction between blood and blush was lost, and ducked his head to avoid looking into Sai's eyes. Sai didn't really know what to say, instead he forced Athrun to sit on a bed and then made to go and get the doctor.

"You're not going to tell me then?" Athrun asked the words so softly, and with such a genuine innocence imbedded in his voice that Sai stopped and turned to him. Athrun was looking at him through his wild, untamed eyes, his face streaked with blood and tears. He looked like the war child he really was, and Sai couldn't stand to see him looking that way. He sighed, and took a step towards Athrun, swallowing the lump that had risen in his throat. Green eyes stared at him, no longer demanding an answer, but pleading for one.

"Sai, please..."

The words were whispered, and the softness of Athrun's voice flowed around him like music. Athrun had such a beautiful voice ... one not meant for begging. And the words gushed from his mouth before he could really think about just what he was saying.

"I kissed you because it was the only way to tell you how I felt. I came back because you deserved an explanation. I was so cold because I thought you'd fallen for Milly. So. That's it. Anything else while I'm baring my soul?" He spoke to the light above their heads rather than to Athrun, so he didn't see the movement in front of him. He didn't notice the change in the silence around him. He only really noticed when Athrun's lips were on his, soft and hesitant. Nervous. Shy, but with the defiance Sai had grown used to when speaking to Athrun. He felt his eyes widen, and a harsh sorrow rip through his heart. Athrun's lips tasted of blood, of battle, and of too many unshed tears. The half healed and gaping wounds that made up Athrun's soul made the taste of his lips so bitter-sweet, made them warm, and strangly defiant, like the embers of a dying fire. A fading light refusing to stop giving all the warmth and comfort it can.

He tasted dead and alive, elegant and broken all in the same moment. It was terrible and beautiful all in one. Sai couldn't bring himself to hate it, nor could he quite enjoy it. Terrible beauty, it seemed like a warning.

But Sai couldn't bring himself to heed it.

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Patrick Zala had never paticullarly liked earth, he hated the weight it seemed to have, and the unpredictable weather, but like hell he was sitting by in space at a time like this. Athrun needed him, and he'd promised to protect his son. No matter what.

"I don't think I believe in God Father, I believe in you."

Well, believe in me for a little while longer, alright?

Well? Well? Come on, cough up them reviews! Hope y'all enjoyed!