AUTHOR:Ary Season 5 ... but if you read fanfic you know most of them by now. Let's just say it takes place sometime before 'The End'.
KEYWORDS: Erotic thriller (or so I've been told by my kind betareaders)
SUMMARY:Mulder, while trying to protect an undercover Scully from a psychopath, discovers that he forgot to protect his heart...
DISCLAIMER:You all know who this guys belong to, I can only take credit for Stan Carlbadier.
AUTHOR'S NOTES:Angst ahead. And, we're still dealing with adult issues and sex references. You've been warned.
STARDUST NIGHT CLUB AUGUST 10 10:30 P.M.
I'm a wreck. I'm a total, absolute wreck. Now I finally feel I
deserve that 'Spooky' nickname. I'm scaring even myself as it is.
And it hasn't been an easy task.
I'm definitively headed for a nervous breakdown. This time I'm
certain I have reached the end of my rope. My sanity rope, that is.
I've finally lost it, and it wasn't a mutant, or a Reticulan, or one
of those mysterious 'men in black' from the government who should be
held responsible for my demise.
Turns out Professor McAddy was absolutely right about my fate. The
only thing that could bring Fox Mulder down was Fox Mulder himself.
With a little help from his partner. His female partner. No wonder
the Professor had been so adamant about my working with a woman. But
it's too late for regrets now.
I never thought Scully would upset my carefully studied composure with such a simple gesture as staring into my eyes. Except that it wasn't so simple. And I didn't have that much composure to begin with.
She had caught me staring at her while she performed her stripping act. And you don't have to be a genius to figure out what she saw in my eyes. Pure and primal desire. I'm a man, after all. I had broken the Bureau's 3rd Commandment, thou shall not lust after thy partner. So sue me, I'm only human.
But back to what happened that night at the club. While I was busy undressing my partner with my gaze, she had been busy watching me as I watched her. And only when I managed to tear my eyes from her body is when I noticed that she knew I was doing it. I felt like the kid who got caught with his hands inside the cookie jar, but somehow that comparison lacks certain strength. I felt more like the guy who has been caught with his pants down while pursuing some extramarital interests.
And I blushed. Heck, that's an understatement. I could feel my cheeks burning in a mixture of embarrassment and lust. I must have been quite a sight. Heavy breathing, dried lips, eyes full of wanton, T-shirt drenched in sweat... the perfect image of a guy caught in a hormonal frenzy.
And Scully never dropped her gaze. She didn't falter, not for a second. Her facial expression was totally neutral. Whatever it was that she was feeling was so guarded, that even I couldn't read it.
Without skipping a beat, she undid the clasp of her push-up bra. And
then, she removed it. Very slowly. Her hands were caressing the
exposed skin, just as she did during the rehearsal. And her eyes
never left mine.
I was breathing in ragged gasps by then. My throbbing erection was
painfully pushing against my jeans, and I couldn't bring myself to do
anything to relieve the pressure.
Clyde Bruckman said that I'd probably die from autoerotic asphyxiation. I wonder if my present situation could be catalogued as that particular condition.
Scully is still looking at me. I'm transfixed by her gaze. She bites her lower lip. I shudder. Her hands are now caressing her thighs. My hands are holding the glass as if my life depended on it.
It is then that she turns around. And I catch my breath again. I had completely forgotten about her tattoo. Her "revelation" is met with whistles and wolf howls. Scully throws a look at me over her shoulder, trying to assess my reaction.
I can't stand it any longer. If I keep holding the glass like this I'll end up breaking it. I got up abruptly and headed for the men's room. Never once did I look back at Scully. I didn't dare. I couldn't. If I looked at her again I might have done something I'm sure I'd regret the rest of my life. So I kept on going without looking back.
Once inside the bathroom I splashed cool water on my face and arms. It wasn't enough to subdue my desire, but damn if I was going to masturbate in this place. I took deep breaths and pressed my forehead against the cold tiles of the wall.
I heard the door open and I watched as Carlbadier walked in. Great. Just what I needed. Well, I guess there goes my reputation as a cool guy. I was anything but right then. And you didn't need to be a rocket scientist to figure that one out, either.
"Mulder?" Stan's voice was hesitant.
"Yeah?" I tried to sound at least twice as confident as I looked. Which wasn't that much to begin with, anyway.
"Are you in trouble now?"
I laughed out loud. I couldn't help it. Not that it was funny.
"Yeah... I guess you could say that... " I tried hard not to snort my answer, but it was somewhat difficult.
"Does she know?" This time he sounded concerned. His tone of voice was starting to make me feel uneasy.
I shot Carlbadier a glance. I wasn't sure I was following his line of thought.
"What are you talking about?" This came a little bit harsher than I intended, but I couldn't have cared less...
Carlbadier just sighed. "Does Dana Scully know that you're in love with her?"
"What!" If I hadn't been so embarrassed about the whole situation I'd be enraged by his question. Back then I only felt surprise and shock for letting my feelings be so obvious. I had finally got careless and the careful facade of professionalism that I had built around my feelings for Scully was falling to pieces.
"Oh, come on, Mulder, cut the bullshit. You know you love her. It's written all over your face. The way you were looking at her... "
I felt the urge to save some face. The only thing I wanted to do was
take what little left was of my dignity and hobble out of the place.
And fast.
"Yeah, me and the other 200 guys out there... " I replied, my voice oozing with sarcasm.
"Mulder, the other 200 guys were leering at her, lusting after her. They'll forget her the minute the next dancer steps into that stage. But you... you were regarding her with a mixture of adoration and awe... "
"That's a long way from love, pal."
Flat-out denial. You don't work for the Federal government for over a decade and not learn to exercise it.
"Is that so?" Carlbadier gave me this amused look and I experienced an overwhelming need to justify my actions.
"Look, Stan. Scully is a great agent. Heck, she's the best agent I've ever worked with. She is a beautiful woman, as well. What am I supposed to do? Not notice it? Christ, you'd need to be blind not to notice it!"
"I'm not telling you that you're an idiot for not noticing it. Hell, Mulder, I had 58 agents wanting to come out here tonight, and that included three female agents! I already confiscated 3 video cameras and suspended 6 agents for unbecoming behaviour."
I couldn't help but smile at this. "Are you planning to suspend me too?"
"You're officially not here, so I can't do that. Honestly, Mulder, do you think it was wise of you to show up here tonight?"
Once again, Stan's voice was filled with concern. It threw me out of balance. For years my motto had been to trust no one. Then along came Scully and I had let her in, closing the door shut as soon as she got inside. The paranoiac side of me said I didn't need to trust anyone else. But my gut instinct was telling me I could count on Stan Carlbadier to stand by my side, no matter what.
Worst thing of all, he was right. Coming into the club that night had been a mistake. A very big mistake.
I bowed my head, defeated. "No. It was probably the most stupid thing I could have done."
"What are you planning to do now?"
Now, THAT was an interesting question. Too bad I didn't have a fucking clue on how to answer it.
"Honestly? I don't know."
Carlbadier moved closer and put a hand on my shoulder. "Mulder, we're not exactly friends, I know. But I do appreciate you and I admire the partnership you and Scully have developed. I'm way out of line here trying to give you some advise, but I definitively think you need to define the nature of your feelings for her. Why don't you do everyone a favour and marry her?"
I stared at Stan Carlbadier as if he were an alien. "What the hell are you talking about?"
"Ok. Mulder. Have it your way. But I know what I saw. You're hiding in here trying to get a grip on your physical reactions before meeting her outside. You left the show before she finished stripping out of respect for her. And she had eyes for no one else but you. And her eyes spoke volumes. If that's not love, then as sure as hell I don't know what it is. But suit yourself. It's not my life. I just feel you owe it to her to figure what is going on in your heart. You two deserve to be happy. Don't let stupid bureau regulations screw your chance at happiness."
I sighed deeply. "If only it were that easy... "
"Just think about it, ok?" Carlbadier turned around to leave. "And, Mulder? As far as I'm concerned, you were never here."
"Why are you doing this, Stan?" I hated the suspiciousness in my voice, but I couldn't help it
"Like I said before, I appreciate you. And her. And I really enjoy pissing Colton off." Carlbadier smiled as he held the door open. "Besides, I'm betting well over 500 bucks that you two'll end at the altar... I'd really like to get my money's worth on that particular bet."
And with that, he was gone.
STARDUST NIGHT CLUB AUGUST 10 11:05 P.M.
I feel like an idiot.
One minute everything was okay, and the next everything is absolutely wrong.
The worst part is, I don't know what the hell happened.
I remember leaving the bathroom after my conversation with Stan Carlbadier. I'm still not sure if I should thank him or shoot him.
I never thought that my feelings for Scully were so ... well, so obvious. I know I've been in love with her for a long time. I'm not really sure how long. It took me a long time to realise it, though. It wasn't until that night in the hospital, when she lay there dying from cancer, that I realised this woman was the most important part of my life.
Given the choice, I'd rather have Scully than my sister. And it is a choice I already made.
But this was supposed to be something no one else knew about. I guess I was wrong. It seems like half of the Bureau knows about it. And the other half is placing bets on it.
How stupid can you get? How blind can you be? How come everyone but her knows I love her? How can she not know? And why hasn't she done something about it?
You know why
No, I don't
Whom are you trying to kid?
Talk about living in denial.
You want to know why she hasn't done anything? Do you?
You know why
She doesn't love you, Fox Mulder
Why would she love you? You're a loser
You're worthless
You couldn't even protect your sister
You don't deserve love
You don't deserve her
She doesn't love you
She never will
No, no no ... no!
I smashed my fists against the wall. I couldn't let my inner demons take over. I couldn't. If I kept listening to them I'd definitively go crazy. Not that it would take much. I've been threading the fine line between reason and insanity for a while now. And there was only one thing that's kept me sane.
Scully. She's my anchor, my bastion, my home. My beginning and my end. My strength and my weakness. My heart, my soul, my inner self.
I don't want to loose her. I can't loose her.
I can't stand it anymore. I know I promised I'd never tell her my true feelings. Fuck that promise. I needed to tell her. And I needed to know what she felt.
If she didn't love me, or if she didn't care for me, fine. I'd rather die tonight than agonise for another couple of years. I'd rather make a fool of myself and damn to hell our present relationship. I could live with it. What I couldn't live with is going on without telling her. Not knowing for sure.
And if she loved me ...
It's funny. I don't know what I'll do if she loves me.
Kiss her Hold her Make love to her Marry her Be happy. Be finally happy
I sigh. It seems that, after all, I do know what I'll do if she does love me. Whoever said you can't fool yourself was definitively not a psychologist. We perfected self-denial. Heck, we "invented" self-denial!
I stand outside her dressing room, mustering enough courage to knock on her door.
"Scully?"
"Go away, Mulder"
I'm shocked at this response. "Why?"
"I don't want to see you."
"Scully, please, open the door. We need to talk."
"There's nothing to talk about"
I could feel my heart tearing. I could feel the tears welling in my eyes. I stood closer to the door. "Scully, please. Talk to me. Don't leave me standing outside. Please"
No response. I could hear her trying to stifle her sobs. I'm such a bastard. How could I do this to her? "Scully, please. Forgive me. I-I shouldn't have come. Please. Let me in. I promise I'll try to make things better..."
Still no response for her. What the hell. I've ruined everything so far, why not screw it up for good? "Scully? Please let me in. I need to talk to you. Please? Dana? You don't have to say anything, just listen to me, ok? And then I'll go. I promise. Please. Don't leave me out here. I need to tell you the truth. You have to know the truth. Please, Dana. I...I love you, Scully. Please let me in..."
Nothing but silence greeted my words. I sighed and leaned against the door. I had given it my best shot, and it hadn't been good enough. I didn't know what else to do.
I heard a commotion down the corridor. I turned around just in time to see Stan Carlbadier and another agent running towards me.
"Stan, what's going on?"
"We had the guy, but he knocked Williams and ran away. Where's Scully?"
"In there" I motioned towards the still closed door, "Is there anything I can do to ..."
"Got you gun?" I nodded, reaching for my ankle holster "Then stay with her! We're following him through the alleys. And keep an eye out for him. White male 25-35, about 5'10" and 160 pounds. Red hair, green eyes, scar on the left cheek"
And with that, both agents were gone. I took a mental note on the suspect. Except form the scar, it was more less what I had expected when I did his profile. I turned back to the door.
"Scully? Did you hear that? Our suspect is around here"
Silence. I was beginning to get nervous.
"Scully?" I tried turning the knob. It wouldn't turn. I considered my options. I took two steps back and kicked the door open.
I went inside, holding my gun and looking to both sides. "Scully?" She was nowhere inside. A quick glance at the dressing room told me she was gone.
I began searching the connecting rooms. Empty. I checked the back door. Closed and locked. I retraced my steps and stumbled into Candy.
"Where is she?" I demanded
"Ruby?" she asked, sort of confused
"Yes, Ruby. Where is she?" I was practically barking at this woman.
"Why, she left a few minutes ago ... she seemed a little bit upset."
Figures, I thought harshly to myself. "Which way did she go?"
"She went through the stage door." Candy said, pointing to an entrance on the right side.
I nodded my acknowledgement and headed for the door.
"But you shouldn't worry about her much. I mean, her brother came to pick her up."
I felt a chill run down my spine. "Her brother?"
"Well, I guess it was her brother. I mean, how many redheads can you meet on the same day?"
I dashed towards the door, leaving a bewildered Candy behind me.
END RUBY (4/8)