AUTHOR:Ary GH RATING:NC-17 CATEGORY: MSR
For spoilers, keywords, summary, disclaimers and author's notes, see Part 1
WARNING:Foul language a plenty. Mulder and Scully
engage in some serious lashing, both verbal
and physical.
Shippers: do not fret. This will turn out
for the best. Bear with me for two more
chapters, ok?
Non-shippers (if there are any reading
this): enjoy while you can. Next chapter
will be totally off-limits for your taste.
Author's Notes:Yesterday I found Amanda Marshall's 1996
record while browsing for a soundtrack.
I bought it out of impulse. And what an
impulse it has been! The lyrics in her
songs have been following me around like
shadows... therefore, it won't be strange
if two or three (dozen) of them show up
in here somewhere.
I beg the forgiveness of the author's for
not giving them their due credit.
I do not wish to infringe any laws, nor
plagiarise any of them.
It is a great record.
OUTSIDE THE STARDUST NIGHT CLUB SOMEWHERE AROUND MIDNIGHT
Life can be so intriguing sometimes...
I'm here sitting, wondering if I should blow my brains out or not, and all I can think of is how my death will affect Scully... and she's the reason why I'm considering doing it in the first place...
There was a time when the mere thought of causing her the
minimum distress was enough to bring me back from the edge.
But that time seems to be gone.
Sorry, Ms. Scully, seems like you lost your magic touch.
I don't mean to be sarcastic. It isn't easy to be kind when you have all this demons in your mind. I always thought I'd be able to keep them at bay. Except this time I was the demon. I realise I've been beaten at the hands of my own game.
And it all comes down to this: I'm fed up with my destiny.
Maybe it's time I take destiny into my own two hands.
Maybe.
I looked up to see Scully and Carlbadier walking towards me.
I got out of the car, and without a word, opened the
passenger's door for her.
"Mulder."
I turned around and noticed that Carlbadier was waiting for me on the sidewalk. I closed the door and walked towards him.
"Are you all right?"
"Sure."
"I think she's going to be okay. At least physically."
I shot him an uneasy glance. "What do you mean?"
"I'm not sure. She seems... distant. I don't really know how to explain it. It's like she's lost her driving force, or something. She's not the same Scully I've worked with before."
I just kept on looking at him without saying a word.
"I might be wrong, though. Perhaps she's just tired. I don't know her that well to tell for sure. Maybe she'll tell you what's bothering her. You're her partner, after all..."
Stan looks both embarrassed and worried at the same time. I decided to give the poor guy a break.
"Yeah. Maybe. Don't worry, I'll keep an eye on her"
I could tell Carlbadier was relived. "I'd better go, then. I'll give Skinner a copy of the report. Now go home and rest, you both need that"
And with that, Stan Carlbadier is gone. Feeling uneasy, I walked back to the car.
Scully was just sitting there, staring straight ahead. She didn't seem to acknowledge my presence when I got into the car. Throwing one last look her way, I started the car.
Scully and I had had our share of silences before. Some were good and some were definitively bad. But none as uncomfortable as this one. This one was oppressive. It was void of emotion or feelings. As if one of us wasn't in the car at all.
The silence got so bad, that I did something I couldn't remember doing before when we were together. I turned on the radio. I carefully glanced at Scully. I don't think she even noticed the music coming out from the speakers. It was that bad.
I kept on driving, drumming my fingers against the steering wheel to keep me focused on the road ahead. I wasn't paying much attention to the music, either.
Slowly, I began to make out part of the lyrics. I remember thinking what kind of person could write something so depressing...
Right now, Foxy boy, you'd be a hell of a songwriter
If it's angst you want, why don't you take a look inside?
Might be a hit.
Yeah, except that Billie Holliday and Edith Piaf are both dead
No one else could sing your songs, Foxy boy...
" Some fool is raging overhead and he's preaching the godspel according to Johnnie Walker Red... "
Not a bad gospel Perhaps I'll study it later
" Did I just miss the last exit to Eden? Is this the only love I'll know? Like a Judas kiss, did my heart betrayed me?..."
Is there really an exit to Eden?
There should be. I mean, there sure are many going into Hell
Can we discuss the part about love a little more?
Don't go there
Aw, come on. How bad can it be?
It can't be worse than it already is.
Let's talk about the only love you'll know...
Mercifully, we had arrived to Scully's apartment. She opened the door and got out, slamming it. She began walking to her place without looking back.
I sighed. So this was the way things were going to end. Fine by me. Now I could go and drink myself to madness without worrying about her.
" There are some sins that you can justify, but not the one I'm guilty of... I had a choice one last chance ago, but I turned my back on love..."
I turned the car around and headed for my place. Out of reflex, I stretched my hand to turn the radio off. I froze when I heard the last part of the song...
" We both might need a saviour, tonight I fear that mine is the one I left waiting far behind..."
I sighed again. I just couldn't put myself out of this misery without talking to her for one last time. I had been a fool thinking I could get away just like that.
Destiny had decided to get his hands back on my life. Funny how it choose to do it. With a song. If I weren't a believer by nature, I'd say it was a coincidence and nothing more. The paranoid inside me was beginning to think it was a plot against our self-destructing instincts...
Before I could change my mind, my heart had parked us in front of Scully's building. I searched for her apartment's spare key, as I had the feeling she wasn't going to be all that happy to see me.
Heck, how I hate to be right sometimes!
I hadn't expected Scully to open the door. After all, I had only been banging on it for only five minutes...
"Get the Hell out of here, Mulder."
What did I tell you? She's leaping with joy at my sight.
"Happy to see me Scully?"
"I told you to get the fuck out of here."
Scully was swearing. It came almost as a surprise. Being a Navy brat I was sure she knew her French up to the nines, but I had seldom, if ever, heard her use that kind of words. I guess this meant she was royally pissed off...
"I don't want to."
"What!"
"You heard me, Scully. I don't want to go."
"Fine. Whatever. I'll just call the police and let them know you're trespassing without a warrant. Let's see how you explain that to Skinner."
That did it. I followed into the kitchen after slamming the front door and ripped the goddamn phone of the wall.
"Do I have your attention now?"
For a second, Scully seemed at a lost for words. But she recovered. Quite nicely, I might add.
"Oh, and now you get your kicks out of harassing me. What's next? Are you going to spank me?"
"Don't give me any ideas, Scully..."
"I don't think you should need any, Mr. Mulder. You seem to have your kinky number well rehearsed by now..."
I was really angry by that time. "What the hell was that supposed to mean?"
Scully crossed her arms on her chest and gave me her iciest stare. "Figure it out yourself, Mr. Oxford graduate"
"Don't mess with me, Scully. You might regret it later."
"Is that so?"
"Yes"
"Why?"
Scully's last question had thrown me out of balance. I didn't know what to answer to that without betraying my suicidal intentions...
But damn if I was going to let her win this argument. She seemed to need a little shock, anyway.
"Because, ex-partner, I've had it with my life and your "Ice Queen" routine and I plan to go home after setting this record straight and blow my fucking brains out. That's why"
Scully's voice sounded amused. "And I'm supposed to regret that?"
That was the last straw. I lost control of my emotions and let them flow freely. I grabbed Scully and threw her into the couch, pinning her down with my body.
"What does it take to crack your facade, Scully? What does it take to make you a human like the rest of us mere mortals? What do I need to do to get a response from you? What? What?"
Scully's cool exterior was only betrayed by the nervous flick of her tongue on her lower lip. It proved to be enough. Five years of self-restraint went crashing out of the window.
Without hesitating, I lowered my head and kissed her. Hard.
This time I had a reaction from her. A very painful reaction.
She bit my lip forcefully enough to draw blood. Her right fist
connected with my jaw. And, to top it all, her knee hit me
straight in the groin.
I fell to the floor, groaning. Serves me right thinking I could get away with it. Serves me right for not thinking, period.
"You bastard! How dare you?"
How dare I, indeed.
"So much for the damsel in distress routine..." I muttered to myself when I felt a stinging pain on my left cheek. Scully had slapped me and I never saw it coming.
I looked up at her, rubbing my cheek "Why? I mean, wasn't kicking my ass enough?"
"You were the one who started this "damsel in distress" cliché"
Ouch. Not only had she kicked my ass, she was now trampling over my pride.
"Mulder..."
I avoided looking in her eyes. "Yes, Scully?"
"Had enough?" I nod. "Good. Now get the fuck out of my house.
Better yet. Get the fuck out of my life. Go blow your brains out
if you feel like it. I don't care."
She walked to the door and opened it wide. Then she crossed her arms across her chest and waited, impatiently, for me to get up and get out.
I got up and walked towards her. Instead of walking through the door I pushed it close. Scully stared at me in disbelief.
"And now that we're done with foreplay, I think it is time for us to talk..."
And with that, I picked her up from the floor and headed back towards the couch.
Perhaps, after we're done talking, and if I'm still alive, we'll go back to the foreplay part.
Crash!
I had ducked just in time to avoid being hit on the head by Scully's coffee mug. It had crashed on the wall behind me, splattering the lukewarm liquid in every conceivable direction. The shattered mug laid on the carpet, where the coffee stains were beginning to set in.
I looked back at Scully. She had sank into the couch, her face hidden behind her hands. Her neck was stiff as a rod, not revealing what emotional distress, if any, was she suffering from...
I wondered what, exactly, had triggered this unusual outburst in my partner.
Perhaps it was the fact that I kicked her coffee table, throwing everything on top of it to the floor. It also could be the fact that I had ignored her request of my leaving for the sixth time that night. Then again, maybe it was my telling her that I had enough experience now as to ascertain, without the shadow of doubt, that she was, indeed, the "Ice Queen". Or maybe it was all of the above, put together.
And there she was, sitting on the couch. Trembling. And I stood there, not knowing what to do, what to think. Was she trembling out of anger? Or was it sadness? Or maybe she was just trying to get a grip on her emotions, so seldomly displayed?
"Scully?" I didn't exactly knew what to say, but I couldn't stand there doing nothing anymore.
Her reply came from behind her hands. "Just go ... please"
My heart broke and shattered. Her voice was so defeated, so sad, so ... final. I had never heard her use that tone of voice, not even when she was dying.
"Scully?"
"Go, Mulder. It's over. You and I. Everything. It's just...over"
A searing pain went through my entire being. "How can it be over? Scully, we're more than partners, we're friends..."
"Ha! Some kind of friend you turned out to be!"
I felt like cracking my best Barry Manilow joke, but decided against it. I didn't think Scully would appreciate the humour just then. So, instead, I just raised a questioning eyebrow.
She was standing now, pacing around, her hair flying wildly around her face. "How can you say you're my friend? I've never meant anything to you! I've always been the adorable little sidekick, always there in case you needed your ass covered! I've done everything for you! I've lied, I've risked my life, I've lost my sister, I've lost the chance to have a family of my own, I've lost my credibility as an agent and as a doctor. For what? For the privilege of working in the most underrated, laughed at, less respected area in the FBI? For working with you? And what have I got in return? Nothing! What have you done for me?"
I opened my mouth to offer her some insights on that particular topic, but she kept on ranting, so I kept quiet.
"Oh, sure. You've saved my life a couple of times. But it never was because you cared about me. It was an effort to keep your conscience clear and the skin on your butt unscarred. But you know what? You're the biggest self-centred, egotistical bastard I've ever met. I should have left you years ago! I should have listened to my family and friend's advice and dumped "Spooky"! But no. I had to prove how good an agent I was. I had to prove that I wasn't afraid of "Spooky" Mulder. I had to prove I could be better that the all-mighty Fox Mulder, golden boy of VCS and fabled profiler of mythological dimensions!"
"You proved that our the first year together. Why didn't you leave then?"
Scully looked at me, piercing me with the intensity of her blue eyes. Ice on top, fire simmering below.
"Because I made the most stupid mistake of my life. I fell in love with you"
This felt like a steel sheet being banged on my face. " You what?"
"I told you it was the most stupid thing I could ever do. I fell in love with you. Ridiculous, right? And the most pathetic thing about it was that I couldn't do anything about it. You'd never even deign to look my way. Why should you? I'm not leggy, or busty or brunette. But I thought you respected me, liked me. After your little charade tonight, I know I was wrong. How could I be so stupid? How could I have thought you'll have any feelings whatsoever for me?"
I stared at her, my mouth literally hanging open from shock. I had to deeply breath a couple of times before I was able to talk. "What charade are you talking about? I don't understand what..."
"You don't, huh? Let me refresh your memory: you follow me around like a sick puppy all day yesterday, then show up at the club trying to place a high wager on me. And then, when I try to get you out of there, you dazzle me with your friendship speech, which I naively believed. I was stupid enough as to believe that you took one of the front seats to show me some moral support, but you really set me straight by leaving before my number was over. And... and..."
Tears were rolling down her cheeks, like a silent accusation.
"I'm sure you found my stripping disgusting. I can understand that. I must have looked like a sorry excuse of a woman out there, and I don't blame you for leaving when you did..."
Scully had kept her eyes lowered so far. But now she looked at me, straight into my soul.
"What I don't understand is why you had to go and lie to me"
I was shocked. "Lie to you? Scully, I'd never lie to you"
She raised her eyebrow in disbelief. "Really? Then, what was all that bullshit you were spitting out just outside the dressing room?"
I felt anger boiling up inside me again. I really had to keep a tight rein over my temper now, for I was certain I would do something I'd really regret later. Turning my back to Scully, I crouched down and began picking up the pieces of the shattered mug.
"So you have nothing to say, huh?"
I just shrugged my shoulders.
"Well, that's a good enough answer for me. Thanks a lot for showing me where I stand in the real world. My only regret is having trusted you all this years."
She began walking toward her bedroom. "Close the door on your way out"
I got up and, taking 3 big strides, stopped her by grabbing her shoulders.
"Are you over with it?"
"I believe everything between you and I is over now"
"I mean, are you over with your tirade? Because, if you are, I believe it's my turn to make some things clear"
"I really don't think ..."
I interrupted her by placing my hand over her mouth.
"You know, Scully, I believe that's the problem with you. You either think too much or don't think at all"
"There's no need to add insult to injury."
"I'm not planning to. Now, be a good girl and sit down and hear what I have to say..."
"Stop patronising me!"
"I'm not! Scully, please? Just listen, ok? I'll tell you my side of the
story and if you don't like it, I'm out of here. Of your life. Forever.
I promise. Just bear with me for a little longer, ok?"
Her eyes were wide and earnest. "And then you'll go?"
"If you want me to"
She looked at me on more time before turning around and sitting on the couch. She crossed her arms in front of her chest. "Ok. You got five minutes. This better be good Mulder, or I'll do the brain blowing myself".
I looked at her to see if she was joking, but her expression remained dead serious. I hesitated for a moment, carefully choosing the words that would decide my whole future.
"You know, Scully, it's always struck me as funny how two people that can read each other's thoughts just by looking at each other could be so blind when trying to read each other's hearts."
Scully looked at her watch, uninterested.
"But now that I'm standing in the middle of disaster, I don't find it funny. Heck, it's not even amusing! I said I loved you and you didn't believe it. You said you loved me and I still don't believe it. What kind of jerks are we that we can't come to rationally acknowledge what our hearts have known for so long?"
"Why is it so hard to accept that we're in love with each other?"
END RUBY (6/8)