AUTHOR:Ary GH RATING:NC-17 CATEGORY: MSR
For spoilers, keywords, summary, disclaimers and author's notes, see Part 1
MORE AUTHOR'S NOTES: Our favourite heroes are still a little.
shall I say upset? Angst, anger, truths tossed
straight at their faces, and ... oh, yes, some
civilised sex talk.
You're been warned. Read at your own risk.
WILLS INN / COASTAL MAINE AUGUST 25 10:05 P.M.
I contemplate the events of this past weeks while lying on this hotel's bed, staring at the ceiling.
The "redhead killer" case is closed and almost forgotten. I can go back and play in the basement until another one of this monsters comes out and my profiler skills are requested again.
This will suit me just fine, except that, since that case, I'm down there playing by myself.
Scully's been reassigned. She'll never work at the X-Files again.
Oh, I could count on her medical expertise if I needed it. Except that I'd have to request it off the records. I'm not allowed to work directly with her anymore.
I wonder what would have happened if things had been different that night at her apartment...
DANA SCULLY'S APARTMENT AUGUST 10 02:17 A.M.
"Why is it so hard to accept that we're in love with each other?"
The question hung in the air between us, unanswered. Scully looked
at me for a brief second, then proceeded to look at the floor. She
was biting her lower lip, as she usually does when deep in thought.
I wanted to say something, anything, to relieve the oppressive silence
that engulfed her apartment, but was afraid of opening my mouth. I
was scared shitless of making things worse than they were.
Not that I thought it was possible.
"Is that all you have to say?"
Her question caught me off-guard and threw me out of balance. I had not expected this reaction. So much for expecting the unexpected...
"Excuse me?"
"I asked if that was ..."
"I heard you fine the first time, Scully. What I'm asking is what do you mean by that"
"Isn't it obvious?"
God! I hate it when she plays with my mind like this! I'm the psychologist, for Christsakes!
"Cut the bullshit, ok Scully? I'm not in the mood for your intriguing mind games right now"
"So you don't want to play anymore?"
"S-cu-llee..." I was loosing my temper again. I believe she felt it, too, for she sat down again and motioned me to do the same.
"So... your only explanation is that we're in love with each other and we're stupid or stubborn enough as to not recognise or admit it"
There's Scully for you. She has a way of summarising everything and making it sound so damn logical.
"In a nutshell...yeah, I guess you can say that."
"And what are you planning to do about it?"
Why is it that she always has to bring up the most difficult questions in the minimum amount of time? Why can't she just humour me and beat about the bush for a little while? Just long enough for me to come up with the answer?
"I ... I d-don't know, Scully"
"Don't know or don't care?"
I stare at her, not believing how much misunderstanding could go on between us. We could read our minds like an open book, but we were certainly clueless when it came to the matters of the heart.
"How can you say that I don't care? Scully, what I feel for you is so complex that I can't even begin to understand it, let alone put it in words, and you're accusing me of not caring?"
"Then try to explain it to me, Mulder, cause I don't understand it"
I lean forward and rest my head on my hands. I also let out a sigh. I had done a wonderful job at screwing everything so far, that I seriously doubted I could make things any worse than they already were.
Any way you looked at it, this was the end of the X-Files. After tonight's fiasco I didn't think Scully would want to work with me again. Heck, I'd be lucky if she didn't slap a sexual harassment lawsuit on me. I was going to get my ass canned for good. And if, just if, everything worked out just fine, those Bureau regulations would never allow us to work together.
So, there I was, stuck in a no-win situation, while Scully waited for my response. The only problem was, I didn't know how to answer her question.
"Where would you like me to begin?"
"What were you doing following me?"
At least she began with the easy part. "I was worried for your safety and Skinner sort of authorised me to follow you. We didn't really trust the guys at VCS for keeping an eye on you"
"And you couldn't trust me for taking care of myself"
"No! It's not that. As I told you before, I know you're capable of taking care of yourself. Hell, you even take care of me most of the times! But you seriously didn't expect me to stay sitting in the basement, not knowing what was going on, did you?"
For the first time since I began explaining my actions I dared to look up at here. She seemed to be considering my words, and I even ventured a small smile.
"No. It really would be asking too much of you. But what were you doing at the night club tonight? What was all that stuff about us being friends?"
Things were starting to look more difficult. This was a touchy question. I pondered my options before answering. Half-truths wouldn't do at the moment...
What the hell! We've spent the last 5 years searching for the truth,
we should, at least, be able to face it when it came to us...
"I-I ... really don't know how to put it. I knew you'd be mad if I showed up as your partner, because it would mean that I didn't trust you enough as to let you work by yourself. And if I tried to come across as the insanely jealous lover you'd kick my ass, quite rightfully, I might add, cause I don't have the right to act that part yet, so I ..."
"Yet?"
Damn it! Fuck! Oh shit! And now what? How am I supposed to answer that?
"Umm... Scully... I believe you know by now that my feelings for you go beyond those of a partner... and I was insanely jealous of all the guys at the club, thinking they might want to get more ... personal with you, so..."
"So it was easier for you to do your big macho number, acting territorial and snarling at everyone who got close to me?" Not knowing what to say, I just nodded, "Has it occurred to you that I don't want your protection? That two brothers is all I'm willing to stand?"
"But I don't want to protect you! I don't want to be your brother,
damnit! And after tonight, I don't even want to be your partner!"
"So what you want to be, then?"
"I want to be your lover"
The statement went unanswered for a couple of minutes. I was beginning to feel uncomfortable and deeply ashamed. I knew I had made a very stupid mistake by letting my emotions take over. A really bad mistake. I knew I ...
My inner guilt-trip was interrupted by Scully's laughter. Wait. No.
It wasn't a laugh. It was more like a ... snort. A very bitter snort.
I looked up to see her, and I almost regretted the action.
"You ... you want to be my lover?" her voice was coated with scepticism and disdain.
I nodded, not knowing what to say.
"Bastard!"
Her shriek felt like a blow to my guts.
"Why? Why? Tell me why you feel the need to make fun of me!"
"But I'm not making fun of you, Scully! I really meant it when I said that ..."
"Oh, no. Of course you didn't! How can you say that? I know what I saw back at the club, Mulder! You walked out on me!"
"It's not like that, Scully! You have it all backwards!"
"Really? And how's that, huh? Whatever your reasons, it all comes down to the fact that YOU walked out on me!"
Scully can be so excruciatingly stubborn sometimes the I find it hard not to loose my patience with her. This seemed to be the case just then...
"Ok, Miss Know-it-all, and why exactly did I walk out on you, as you so self-righteously put it?"
I don't know if it was the question, or the sarcasm with which I had stated the question, but Scully seemed at a loss for words.
Momentarily, that is.
"Because you were repulsed by what you saw"
Her voice had dropped considerable decibels, so many, in fact, that
I had a hard time just hearing her. What came loud and clear, though,
was the defeat and sadness in her words.
And then I understood. Time and time again Scully had hinted she had been a kind of "late-bloomer", always on the shadow of her sister Melissa's light. She'd grown up feeling insecure about her looks, so she found it almost impossible to believe that someone could find her attractive, desirable.
Scully has always taken pride of her mind and her skills. She was confident on them. Although people speculated if her beauty had helped her attain her present position, I know Scully would never rely on her looks to achieve something. Firstly, because she's too damn honourable. Secondly, because she doesn't know she has them. I mean, she knows she's your average nice. She still hasn't realised what a knock-out she is.
And then I remembered something else. I had once complimented on how good she looked now that the cancer was finally gone, and she had replied, somewhat harshly, that, at least, she could now bear to look at her reflection on the mirror. I thought she was making a joke out of an uncomfortable situation. Now I know better.
"Scully ...", my voice was quieter, more gentle now, "I'd never feel repulsed by you..."
Her subdued anger came back to life with that. "Oh, come on! Look at me, Mulder! Just take a good look at me!"
She got up from the couch and hastily removed the terry robe she was wearing. Underneath, she was still in her "stripper's gear".
I did as she requested, and took a good long look at her. And damn my
soul if I didn't feel aroused again. I must have stared at her,
wide-eyed and mouth slightly open for longer than I thought, for she
covered herself up again.
"See? You have nothing to say. You can't think of one nice thing to say to me. Oh, God! I made a fool of myself in that club!"
She crumbled back on the couch. I got up and kneeled in front of her,
taking her face in my hands.
"Scully ... you're so beautiful I'm speechless..."
She looked at me with big eyes, full of fear and hope. And my heart melted. She was afraid I'd lie to her, but nevertheless hoped I was telling her the truth...
"Mulder..."
I silenced her with a finger. "You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. Not only that, you're intelligent and caring and strong. And the combination is lethal. You're so damn sexy that you make my head spin..."
"Sexy? You think I'm sexy?" Scully's voice was filled with amazement and incredulity.
"You sure as hell are. Believe me, I know sexy when I see it, and I'm looking at it right now"
"But then ... at the club...why did you... I mean..."
"You want to know why I left before you finished dancing?"
Scully just nodded, lowering her gaze.
"Well, Scully, I figured that having a fully dressed orgasm once a day was more than enough..."
"What!" Scully's expression was one of shock and indignation.
"I followed you to the club and watched you rehearse while I stayed in the darkness. Watching you dance fully clothed was one of the most erotic things I've ever seen. I was so aroused by your movements that one touch was all I needed ... call it mental masturbation if you want."
"Why... you...you..."
"But watching you perform that night was more than I could stand. And watching you while you watched me watching you... that shattered any self-restraint I had. I was actually whimpering and moaning in my seat, and I could barely resist the urge to climb on that stage and take you in my arms and kiss you like you deserve to be kissed... so I turned my back on this sexual fantasy come true and ran to the bathroom before I managed to embarrass us both..."
She slapped me. Twice. She pushed me away from her with all her
strength and got up, standing behind the couch. Her breathing was
ragged and her hair flew wildly about her face. I looked at her,
searching for a clue on how to proceed.
"You... pervert! How dare you turn me into a sexual object! You, of all people! I'm your partner, not one of those bimbos you date! I'm not one of those porn starlets you're so fond of! I'm not a sexual fantasy, goddamit!"
I slowly got up, rubbing my face. "If you can't handle the truth, then why do you ask for it on the first place?"
She was bewildered. "Truth? What truth? What the hell are you talking about, Mulder?"
I walked to her and grabbed her by the shoulders. "My truth. Our truth. The whole truth. I've wanted you so badly since I first saw you, that I was determined to get you out of the X Files so I had a chance to score with you. But then I took a look at what was inside that tempting body and fell head over heels in love with you."
Scully was beginning to look scared. "Mulder... you didn't... you shouldn't have..."
"Don't you think I know that? Do you have the faintest idea what it's been like working next to you this past 5 years? Having you at an arm lenght and not being able to touch you, when every fucking cell in my body was screaming at me to do it?"
"Mulder... I..."
"Do you know how many times I had to excuse myself and hide somewhere dark until I regained my composure? Do you know the hell I've been through laying in a motel room knowing you were 10 feet away from me, and not being able to do anything? How excruciating it was to be able to do nothing except dream that you were in bed with me? Countless nights I've sat in my apartment, watching those goddamned videos, wondering how it would feel to do those things with you. I've lost count of how many times I've jerked off, thinking about you. I mean, God! I come screaming your name, Scully. I would wish it were your hands touching me. I'd long to hear my name on your lips too. I imagined us in ecstasy, filled with desire for each other's touch. I dreamed of coming inside you..."
Scully's gaze had fallen to the floor. Tears were slowly rolling down her face. "I-I'm so-sorry, Mulder. I-I didn't k-know..."
I slowly hugged her. "Don't be sorry. It's not your fault. It's no
one's fault. This is just the way things are. Please don't cry, Dana,
it's not worth it."
I felt her body stiffen in my arms. "How can it be not worth it?"
"Don't get me wrong, Scully. Loving you is worth everything I have. I could never trust anyone as much as I trust you. I wouldn't want any other partner, nor I could wish for a better friend. But, if I had to choose between what I now have and becoming your lover, I'd rather keep the former. Sexual frustration is a small price to pay if I get to keep you by my side. I can always rely on my fantasies to get by..."
Scully was now crying openly. "It's just not fair, Mulder. Why can't we have everything? Why should we be forced to choose? Why can't we be partners and friends and lovers at the same time?"
I pulled her away from me, trying to get a look at her face, not
believing what I had just heard. She must have noticed my disbelief,
for she kept on talking. "You're not the only one suffering from
unrequited love and sexual frustration, Mulder"
"Scully, just because I've bared my soul to you doesn't mean you have to make it up for me somehow.."
She let out an exasperated sigh. "How can you be so dense, so... so stupid? You're not the only one who has gone through hell trying to keep emotions in check, you know. That pouty mouth of yours has driven me crazy more times than I care to remember. But that's not all. Your intelligence, your wits, your passion, your quirky sense of humour... I've fought so hard not to love you, but it's something beyond my control now. The only thing that has kept me from jumping your bones are those damn regulations. If I hadn't been brought up to always play by the book, I'd..."
"You'd what?"
"I'd cross the line"
"And what's stopping you? I mean, if you really felt this was right,
why haven't you done something about it?"
"For the same reasons you haven't. I can't live without you in my life, and this really irritates me. I'm not used to surrendering so completely, to totally loose control and let go. I'm afraid I'll get so caught up inside you that I'll never be myself again."
"But, then again, I can't live in fear all my life, can I?"
I pondered her question carefully. I was willing to walk through hell and back for her, for us. Was she willing to do the same? Did she truly believed we had a future, and that such future was worth risking everything we had?
I had to know for sure. "Would you do it Scully? For me?"
A little smile played on her lips. "When will you learn that not everything is about you?"
"But I want it to be."
I gently cuped her face with my hands, moving closer to her. My mouth was barely inches away from hers. "May I?"
Scully closed her eyes and barely nodded. And so, I kissed her.
As long as I live, the image of that first kiss will remain etched in
my memory. It was soft and tender, yet passionate and possessive at
the same time. It went beyond my fantasies and my memories of past
loves. I know recognised I hadn't known what love really was until I
met Scully.
I felt immediately aroused, but it went beyond sexual. This wasn't just my body trying to release my building passion. This was more than that. It was a yearning of my heart, an aching in my mind, an unfulfillment of my soul.
That kiss had doomed me forever. If I couldn't have her, all of her,
my existence was over. I would carry on like a ghost, like a shadow,
like a whisper of my former self. I would continue until the pain
filled every nook, every cell of my being... until it was unbearable,
and then I'd put an end to it. Which meant I had barely a few
minutes left to live.
We separated. Scully's cheeks were gleaming with tears, as I was sure mine were. I let her go, and she blindly reached for the sofa, slumping down on it.
"Damn it, Mulder! Why did this have to happen? I can't go back to being just your partner, I just can't!"
Once again, I kneeled in front of her. "Do you trust me, Dana?"
She didn't hesitate. "With my life".
"Marry me"
END RUBY (7/8)