Disclaimer: I own nothing. All belongs Joss Whedon.
A/N: Takes place in Bargaining pt. 1. Lots of self-pity. Buffy POV.
I never thought anything could be more painful than my death.
I've had my share of injuries, believe me. Six years of slaying vampires, I've had broken bones and scars galore. I'm not exactly a stranger to pain, either emotional or physical. But let me tell you, swan-diving into a portal that unleashes Hell on Earth is really a bitch as far as pain goes. It doesn't last very long, but it feels like you're being stabbed with a million knives mercilessly. I can't say I have ever felt anything that painful before. Until now.
Standing here next to Dawn and Spike, watching them play rummy. Listening to Spike's remorse at not being able to stop Dawn from getting bled at the top of that tower. And watching him sit there and hate himself for not being able to save me.
I don't regret jumping off of that tower. It was to save the world, and yeah, I wish I could have lived a little longer, if only to finally go to Rome for that shopping trip I've been dying for, but in the main, I had no regrets. But watching this man loathe himself because of my death is the most painful thing I have ever felt. And suddenly, I do have regret:
I never told him how much I love him.
Pathetic, isn't it? I've loved him for years, and he has no idea. I belittled him so m much when he told me that he loved me, for the simple fact that I was afraid. Because of Angel, mostly. I convinced myself that I was never going to get involved with Spike because he reminded me too much of Angel. Which is a little ridiculous, actually. He is nothing like Angel.
I can't believe I was so stupid. Here is a man who was willing to give up his life to ensure my happiness. He is eating himself alive because of my death. And because I'm too self-centered, I never even gave him a chance. But isn't that what life is all about? Learning from your mistakes and finding the good parts about the world that make it worth living in the hell that most people call reality.
The best part about my life is the man sitting in front of me.
A/N: Just a little thing that I though up while watching season six. Please review!