This chapter is a combination of Fire Emblem, Ace Attorney, Bob's Burgers and Full House. I would apologize, but if you read anything I publish you should know that I'm not sorry for any of it.

And here you get to see our first S-supports in Three Houses as the Eisners have a family dinner.

When Mikoto had died, the Hoshido family had wondered if they should celebrate the holidays this year. However, with Rowena returning to their lives, they had decided that they had something to be thankful for, and had decided to at least have a stereotypical Thanksgiving.

Unfortunately, her "adoptive" siblings had gotten to her first, while she was under the impression that the holidays would be ignored without Mikoto.

"It's not that I don't want to," she promised Revan over the phone, "but Xander's girlfriend is coming over and we have a betting ring going on when he'll propose."

"And your money's on Thanksgiving?"

"The entire month of November, actually, but that's not the only thing. Jakob has butler duties that I can't take him away from, and what's the point if I can't shock my other family when I tell them I'm dating my butler?"

"But we have everything," Revan protested. "We have the plans, the seating arrangements, extra seats in case everyone brings a plus-one, a turkey, an extra turkey in case Takumi does something horrible to the first one..."

"I've already got plans!" Takumi shouted from the doorway of Revan's bedroom, before running off to his own to hide from his brother's thrown book.

"Sounds like fun," said Rowena. "I'm sure I can...I don't know. Video chat?"

Revan paused. "We'll work something out."

The family event didn't go as planned. The five Nohr siblings were woken up by Garon's roar, and they quickly found themselves all in the hallway.

"Someone," Garon said slowly, "is going to be cut off from the family fortune for a long time. You will -"

"Hold it," Xander interrupted. "I know you're angry, and I'm sure I will understand when I hear it, but could you please wait for two minutes?"

Garon stared at his son in silence. Xander eyed the bathroom meaningfully. Garon stepped aside to let him in.

Xander returned only five seconds later. "I can't use that toilet, there's a turkey in it."

There was dead silence from his siblings, and a knowing nod from his father.

"A what?" Rowena finally asked.

"Don't make me say it again," Xander warned.

Fortunately, Garon was willing. "And that is why I am so angry with you all. There's a turkey...an entire frozen turkey...in the bedroom-floor toilet."

Garon paced in front of his children, lined up in a row from oldest to youngest. Garon stopped in front of Xander, who had been surprisingly smart-alecky lately. Xander kept his straight face. Elise, however, did not, and Garon immediately switched back to focus on her.

"That," Garon continued, "is wrong. Funny, but wrong."

Elise bit her lip. "I can see that," she agreed. "I didn't do it."

"Elise. Please."

"You saved my friend's life!" Elise pointed out. "Why would I throw your turkey in the toilet?"

"Why would you do a lot of things?"

"Like fill the toaster with whipped cream," said Leo.

"Or dig a hole in the backyard to try to travel like Bugs Bunny," Xander added.

"Or get yourself trapped in a slinky for 30 hours," Rowena finished.

"I did all that for YouTube!" Elise protested. "I've got 500 subscribers! I'm going for a million, so I do stupid stuff for the camera."

"Stupid stuff like putting a turkey in the toilet," said Garon.

Elise's smile faded into disbelief. "You all really think it was me?"

"You do have a history," Camilla admitted.

"And you have a history of not helping me when I'm stuck in a slinky," Elise said coldly. She straightened up, surprisingly serious. "Then I'll have to prove my innocence myself! Give me 15 minutes with Rowena's law books - I'll show you all!"

The apartment the Eisner twins shared had become more eccentric since Jonah had married a foreign woman named Petra. Her attempts to 'become American' had gone a bit farther than merely getting citizenship, and they spent most school breaks in her homeland as she prepared her family for her eventual near-permanent departure.

Naturally, Petra was insistent on witnessing a "traditional" American Thanksgiving after seeing it on TV. Naturally, the twins couldn't exactly tell her no.

Joanna was out picking up her boyfriend, which left Jeralt with the happy couple as they attempted to plan things out.

"Will Seteth be bringing Flayn?" Petra asked, watching as her husband moved around the small kitchen area.

"Probably," Jonah admitted. "If Joanna stands a chance of being the girl's stepmom, she should probably invite her to family things." He checked the stuffing recipe again. "I have no idea what I'm doing."

"We've never done this before," Jeralt reminded him. "I raised you kids in an RV. Not exactly good for full meals."

Petra smiled as she always did when hearing about how Jonah was raised. Then the door swung open, and Joanna entered, tossing her bag onto the couch.

"Seteth couldn't make it," she announced. "He said he needed some time to recover from being surrounded by idiots all day yesterday." She nodded as a green-haired teenager followed her in. "Flayn came, though. She wanted to 'see where these maniacs live,' direct quote."

Flayn smiled brightly. "Well, can you blame me for being curious? Seeing teachers outside of school is rare, you know."

Petra nodded. "I am understanding," she agreed. "Jonah does receive some unusual stares when we are in public."

Flayn laughed. "Yes, exactly! You must be Petra. Your husband talks about you in class sometimes. It is nice to put a face to the name." She tilted her head. "He says you work with dead things?"

"His friend is a taxidermist," Petra clarified. "When I asked for work, Jonah...how did he say it? Pulled a string."

"He owed me," Jonah clarified without looking away from his current mission. "And it's 'pulled some strings,' Petra."

"But you only asked him for one favor." Her eyebrows scrunched in confusion, and Jonah smiled a little.

"Can I help?" Flayn asked. "I've been learning! I got a C+ on boxed fish sticks!"

"That isn't reassuring," Jonah pointed out.

"For her, it's a miracle," Joanna added.

"And that's absolutely terrifying."

"I thought you were my teacher," Flayn complained. "Don't you want me to learn new things?"

There was a moment of silence. Then, finally, the man relented.

"You can watch the turkey," he told her as he stepped out of the kitchen. "I left one of the ingredients in the car."

"I can retrieve it," Petra offered, but she was quickly silenced.

"The only reason we're doing this is so you can have a good time. You can help clean up, but leave the cooking to me." He leaned over Flayn. "Do not let that bird out of your sight."

Flayn nodded seriously. Jonah turned to leave. Flayn got bored in 3 seconds and checked the recipe he was using.

"In any good mystery novel, everyone knows the butler did it!" Elise cried dramatically, pointing an accusing finger at Jakob.

"In Agatha Christie novels, perhaps," Jakob said through his teeth. "But every killer has a motive. Why would this butler do that?"

"Two reasons," Elise said quickly, holding up two fingers. "First, you work for my dad."

Jakob's anger faded. "Strong motive, I'll admit."

"Second motive...the incident with the rollerblades."

"Rollerblades?" Garon repeated. "Did you leave them by the stairs, Elise?"

"No!" Elise denied. "That would be reckless and irresponsible! I..." she cleared her throat. "I just...left them in the hallway. Where Jakob slid on one. And scuffed the floor."

"What?" Rowena gasped. "He could have been hurt!"

"And I would have had to pay worker's compensation!" Garon complained.

"Dad!" Camilla scolded.

Garon looked sheepish. "I mean..." he patted Jakob's shoulder awkwardly. "I'm glad you're ok."

"Never touch me," Jakob hissed.

Garon removed his hand. "As warm and caring as an ice cube."

Jakob ignored it. "I did want vengeance for the rollerblade incident. But that is why I left you trapped in the slinky."

Elise paused. "Huh," she said, dropping her accusing tone. "Ok, yeah, I forgot you took the video. You're off the hook, Jakob. And that brings the suspicion to Gunter the gardener!"

"What did I do?" Gunter complained. "I wasn't even here last night!"

"Not for work, perhaps. But maybe you came for revenge!" Elise pulled out her phone and showed a clip of her and her green-haired friend stuck in the slinky. "When Flayn tried to help me out and got caught herself, we struggled for freedom. We kind of wandered in the struggle. Wandered right over your newly-planted flower bed."

"That was annoying," Gunter confirmed. "However, the sight of two teenagers stuck in a slinky made up for it. I'm not mad."

Elise checked the video, where she could hear the sound of Gunter's laughter even after he'd been edited out. "Checks out. But that means..." she looked up again. "The only suspects left...are my family."

"Flayn. Where is the turkey?"

Flayn had looked pleased with herself, but one look at her teacher/potential step-uncle staring down at her, and the confidence fell away. "I put it in the oven."

"You did what?"

"Was I not supposed to?"

"I didn't even put in the stuffing yet."

"The stuffing goes in the turkey?"

"That's why they call it stuffing."

"Well, we don't do this at my house!" Flayn waved her arms around for emphasis. "It's just me and my father since he doesn't accept calls from his brothers anymore."

Jonah reluctantly accepted this answer, and turned to Joanna, Petra, and Jeralt. "Why didn't you stop her?"

"I was in the bathroom," Joanna answered at once.

"I thought you had told her to," said Petra.

"I didn't care," said Jeralt.

Jonah dragged his hand down his face in exasperation. "Well, it takes a while to cook. We can pull it out, let it cool, stuff it..."

"Actually," Flayn said in a quiet voice, "I put it on speed mode."

There was a moment of silence. Then Petra broke it with a sigh.

"The internet is scarce in Brigid," she said, "and yet, I know what is coming."

"I noticed that the recipe said to cook for about 3 hours at 350 degrees," Flayn explained. "So I set it to 1050 degrees so it would only take 1 hour."

Another moment of silence. "It doesn't go that high," said Jonah.

"Then you might want to get in there," said Flayn, right as the smoke detector went off.

Jonah had, luckily, gotten a fire extinguisher for it, and after the flames were successfully put out, he turned to the others, his expression terrifyingly blank.

Petra cleared her throat. "I have partial responsibility. I shall go and replace the turkey."

"Thank you," said Jonah flatly.

Petra headed to the door, then stopped and turned back. "And so I am having understanding, you are wanting me to go to the grocery store and purchase one that is already dead."

A minor panic. "Oh. Yes. Thank you for catching that."

Petra nodded and slipped out the door. Jonah looked back at Flayn. "Stay out of the kitchen," he ordered.

"Fair," said Flayn.

Jeralt clapped his son on the back. "You need a beer, kid," he told him.

"I kind of do, actually."

"Good. There's some out in the RV, I'll go and get it."

Jeralt left the ground-floor apartment and headed out to the RV. Joanna looked over at the teenager sulking on the couch, then back at her brother. "Are you sure you're ok?" she asked. "You look like Marianne after five drinks."

"I feel like Marianne after five drinks," Jonah mumbled, resting his head on the wall.

Outside, Jeralt had reached his destination. He pulled out a 6-pack and opened the door to leave, only to see his daughter-in-law running to the store. She was fast - she liked to hunt. But given the Calizona weather, the turkey might cook on the way. Jeralt turned on the engine and prepared to pull over and offer her a ride.

The gear stuck. Jeralt put down the unopened beers and jiggled the stick some more. He pressed harder on the brake.

Or what he thought was the brake.

The RV shot forward.

"You need to relax," Joanna was saying as the three gathered in the TV area, Jonah with a pack of frozen carrots on his head like he'd been injured.

"I know. But it's Petra's first Thanksgiving as a citizen, and I want to give her something out of a TV special. Not a sitcom - I'm talking wholesome, irritating, Full House bull. At least for the first time. Next year we can skip it again."

"You might want to lower your expectations a bit."

"You're right. With how things are going, we're pretty much a sitcom."

"We're not a sitcom, Jonah."

As if to prove her wrong, that was the moment that Jeralt's RV crashed through the wall of the apartment, into the kitchen.

Jeralt hopped out, unhurt, to look at the damage. He let out a loud groan. "My RV!"

"My kitchen," Joanna whimpered.

"My dinner," Jonah complained.

But it was Flayn that had the best reaction. Upon finding her voice, she said one thing that summed up what they were all truly thinking: "What the Full House?"

And Jonah wished he had picked a different TV show to ask for.

"All of you have reasons to frame me for this," Elise told her siblings. "Except Leo. He's free to go."

"Thanks," said Leo, "but I'm invested."

"Then you can stay."

"Can I go?" Xander asked.

"You asked that when we started!" Elise protested.

"And now...it's worse."

"You plant your feet, mister!" Elise demanded. But then she turned on Rowena first. "You do have an excuse. Ever since you lost your first-ever courtroom case, you've been trying to get back into prosecuting."

"As a lawyer does," Rowena confirmed. "But there's no reason for -"

"Isn't it? If you framed me for this, you'd get to prosecute me in front of a jury!"

"I don't make my own cases," Rowena insisted. "I'm not Iago. Also, this is way too small a group to be a jury."

"Family jury."

"I'll allow it. But in court, you need to have evidence. Where's proof that I did this to frame you?"

Elise was silent. Garon facepalmed.

"Have you even found any evidence?" asked Leo.

Elise didn't answer. "Moving on to Camilla! You were upset because you made cookies for Thanksgiving and I...uh, stole them. And ate them. In one sitting."

"It was kind of gross," Camilla admitted.

"Well, you should have hidden them where I couldn't reach them. I mean, I'm short. And Effie wasn't there to help me. It wouldn't be hard."

"I'll keep that in mind for next time." Camilla gestured to the bathroom door. "But why would I put a turkey in the toilet as revenge?"

"So that, when I got punished for it, you could step into your favorite role: Camilla the Great, loving sister to all. I'd hug you and you'd let me cry on your shoulder, and you'd never tell me that you were the one who framed me."

Camilla thought it over. "Yeah, I'd probably do it that way. But I didn't."

Elise stared at her, then nodded. "OK. I believe you. Xander?"

Xander shot to attention. "I'm here!"

"Maybe you were the one who put the turkey in the toilet! As the oldest, ever since Camilla was born, you've had to be the responsible sibling and look after all of us!"

"True," Xander confirmed.

"And you do a good job, but what if you wanted to act on your childish desires? What if you wanted to do something impulsive and crazy? What if you put the turkey in the toilet?"

But he was already denying it. "Laslow, Peri, and Selena taught me how to play Dungeons and Dragons. I use up all of my impulsive actions for the week there, so I can continue to be the mature eldest sibling as soon as I leave that room. My character jumps on top of monsters to prevent the real Xander from doing things such as putting a turkey in a toilet."

It made sense. Elise herself had asked to play once and found the fast-paced math difficult.

"You're off the hook. Which leaves only one person!"

"You," her siblings all said together.

"No! Dad!" She pointed at Garon. "What if you were just too drunk to remember it?"

"That...actually makes sense," Garon admitted. "We'll just have to check the..." he paused, suddenly remembering the security camera. "I'm a MORON!"

"Petra! I told you to buy a dead turkey!"

Petra stopped her current mission briefly, processing her husband's words. "I tried," she admitted. "But the store had no more of them. So I did the next best thing." She pulled something silver-colored and shiny from her belt and returned to chasing the very living bird she'd brought home.

"Where did you get a katana?" Jonah protested, but Petra did not answer that. When she chased the bird into their bedroom, and his father and sister laughed it off, he facepalmed, wondering why he bothered to try anything.

Then there was a knock at the door. Jonah pulled it open, and found, to his complete lack of surprise, his old friend and upstairs neighbor Ashe.

"Are you guys ok?" Ashe asked as soon as the door was open. "I heard a loud crash and came down to investigate, and I've been to three other apartments, and no one seemed to know where..." Ashe's eyes got bigger as he took in the state of the area and figured out exactly what had caused the noise. "There's an RV in your kitchen."

He didn't say it like he was surprised, or even concerned. He said it like he was disappointed in himself that he hadn't seen this coming.

"Yes," Jonah said bluntly. "There's an RV in my kitchen. Not that it matters, because for our first-ever family Thanksgiving, Flayn destroyed the oven. And my wife has somehow gotten hold of an actual, living turkey and is trying to kill it herself."

That was when Petra ran screaming from the bedroom, chased by the turkey who had somehow stolen her katana. Jonah didn't even turn around.

"And losing," Jonah added. "Is there anything else, Ashe?"

Ashe, who had long ago decided that if the Eisners weren't worried, he wouldn't worry either, merely changed the subject. "Can I borrow some sugar? I was making a pie and Mercedes told me -" The door closed on his face. "Well, no pie for you, then!"

Jonah didn't care. He was at the end of his rope, and his wife was currently sitting on top of the RV and waiting for her chance to strike. She had an axe now. Jonah wasn't going to ask about it.

Joanna put her hand on her brother's shoulder. "No offense, but you're becoming a trope."

"A trope?"

"A reoccurring theme in fiction that has become recognizable to the point of -"

"I know what a trope is," Jonah interrupted. "I'm asking what you're talking about."

Joanna, not one to soften her blows, put it as bluntly as she could. "You know that thing on TV where someone wants to have a perfect family dinner and then everything goes wrong? The imperfections turn the host into a thunder-jerk. That's you. You insulted Dad -"

"He drove the RV into the kitchen, and we'll have to explain it to the landlord."

"You yelled at Flayn."

"Flayn nearly started a 3-alarm fire."

"You shouted at your wife."

"For fighting a turkey."

"You slammed the door on Ashe."

"He was being such a little bitch."

Joanna didn't appreciate the language, but she brushed it off. "Luckily, at the end of the episode, the host learns his lesson and they have a nice, heartwarming moment. So, it's time to teach you a lesson. Do you care about Thanksgiving?"

"Not really," Jonah admitted. "But Petra wanted to have the typical experience."

"And Petra is one of the people ruining her own experience." One look toward Petra, who was now cornering the turkey again, and she made a sound that might have been a restrained laugh. "Or not."

Jonah looked, and immediately felt some of his frustration melt away. Petra, axe in hand, towering over the prey that was still holding the katana...she was clearly in her element. "The turkey might eat us," Jonah said after a moment.

"Maybe," Joanna agreed. "But at least she's having more fun like this."

She was right. And it's not like they could cook the turkey without an oven. "Give Ashe the sugar," Jonah told her. "And we'll fight these problems as a family."

"We had a security camera in the bathroom the entire time?" Camilla asked.

"Not in the bathroom," Garon objected. "Never in the bathroom."

"And you forgot?" Rowena gestured at her siblings. "We accused Elise, Elise accused us, Leo watched, Xander still has to pee..."

"Not anymore," Xander interrupted. When Elise looked up at him, disgusted, he realized what it sounded like. "I went downstairs when you accused Rowena."

"But the camera," Rowena continued. "When did you decide to have a security camera pointed at the bathroom?"

"It's pointed down the hallway. It catches everything. As for when, there was this young guy at the Aegir company, ran his mouth a lot, red hair, super cheerful and annoying, introduced himself about three hundred times..."

"What was his name?" Camilla asked.

"I forget. Fred, maybe. But I remember him installing the cameras, and one of them..." he pointed at the camera in the hallway, "would have captured the chef of this turkey toilet soup."

So, the family replayed the footage the camera caught the night before. They found Elise stealing the cookies. They saw Jakob triple-polishing things. And, finally, they found Leo sleepwalking, holding a turkey.

"We don't know where I'm going with that," Leo said quickly.

They heard a flush from the bathroom.

"What did you dream about last night?" Rowena asked.

"Getting revenge on my middle-school bully," Leo admitted. "I guess giving him a swirly got a little too real."

"And there is where the Julia in you shows up," Garon muttered, before turning off the footage. "Throw the bird out, Leo. You ruined Thanksgiving."

"Not necessarily," Rowena said quietly, "but you're all going to have to get cool with a lot of stuff really quickly."

The Eisners, Flayn, Petra, Ashe, and the turkey all gathered around the TV, eating cold meat sandwiches and Ashe's pie, watching Full House and discussing ways to explain it the events of the day to the landlord, all with the RV still parked behind them.

"Perhaps it is for the better that the turkey and I fought to a draw," Petra said as she gave a plate of corn to the bird. "It might be more difficult to explain bloodstains, and my potential disappearance." The turkey made a noise as if agreeing with her. Petra glared at the turkey. "Or yours," she added, and the turkey made another sound, this one defiant.

"Are we out of beer?" asked Jonah, and Jeralt shrugged.

"Yeah, by the time Thanksgiving started I only had the six-pack. Sorry about that."

"That's fine. It's probably better not to deal with a hangover while explaining that to the landlord." Jonah gestured back at the RV. "You shouldn't drink and drive."

"I was sober."

"So, you're just an idiot."

"Yeah," Jeralt agreed.

"Why did Mom ever go with you?"

"I don't think she knew better."

The door opened. There stood the landlord, face hidden by a clipboard. "We've been getting some noise complaints," he explained, "so could you keep it down..." He lowered the clipboard, and his mouth fell open in shock as he saw the end result of the first Eisner family Thanksgiving. The turkey and charred oven barely registered as he took in what happened to his wall.

"Merry Thanksgiving," Petra said nervously. "Are we evicted?"

The landlord didn't seem to hear her. "There's a... that's a... what the..."

"There's an RV in the kitchen," said Ashe, as if it were an explanation.

The landlord finally came back to his senses. "I usually leave a notice," he said through his teeth, "but I feel like you already know that I want you gone by tomorrow."

"That's fair," said Jonah.

Joanna wasn't quite as accepting. After all, it hadn't been her wife challenging birds to mortal combat. "It's 5 PM on Thanksgiving. We can't find anywhere else on such short notice. What do you want us to do?"

"Pick a god and pray," was the only reply she got, and then the man left, mumbling about how he hoped his insurance would cover 'hillbilly hijinks.'

Jonah looked around at the others. "What do we do now?"

"I'm sure we can do something," Joanna promised. "We're two teachers, a taxidermist, a retired cop, and... whatever Ashe is. I'm sure we can pool our resources and..." she immediately gave up. "Mooch off of friends."

"I can ask my father if you can move in with us," Flayn suggested. "Of course, you will need to have your own bedroom to prevent rumors at school. I'm not sure what I could do about that..."

"I'll take the couch if I have to," Joanna promised.

Flayn nodded and immediately picked up her phone, stepping inside the RV to have some privacy. Petra looked at Jonah hopefully.

"I can pull a few more strings," he promised, and satisfied for the moment, she returned to her sandwich.

For Rowena, seeing her two families come together was a happy moment. For most of the Hoshido family, they saw the extra food the Nohrs had brought as a peace treaty.

For Takumi, it was a nightmare.

"I knew I should have blown up the turkey," he grumbled to himself.

"Can it, Takumi," Revan ordered, before turning back to his twin. "So, uh...thanks for changing your mind. It's the first time we did something like this without..."

"Without Mom," she finished for him. "I don't remember her enough to know if this was a regular thing -"

"She loved making every holiday family day," Revan promised. "Especially the ones celebrated as family days. Though we never had a stereotypical Thanksgiving before."

The last guest arrived. A young woman with red hair and three bags of corn chips walked through the door as soon as it opened for her, face pink from laughter.

"Sorry I'm late," she told them as she dumped the chips on the table. "My dad had to tell me this story about a family who crashed an RV into the wall of the apartment building he runs. No one was hurt. They're leaving tomorrow."

"A wise decision," Xander confirmed. He turned back to the suspicious family. "This is my girlfriend, Selena. Revan invited her, as well."

"It's nice to meet you," said Orochi, cutting off whatever Takumi was going to say. She kept an eye on her own boyfriend as she spoke, silently daring him to say anything. Ryoma didn't so much as look at Selena.

"Next time, I'm screening your guests," Takumi hissed at Revan.

"That's fair," Revan agreed. "I'm spending Christmas with the Nohrs."

Takumi screamed in rage and stabbed his potato like he wished he could stab his brother.

Silas had invited Azura to spend the holiday with him and his parents. She had jumped at the chance, very much preferring the silence of four people to the chaos of the Hoshido family. She had spent time talking with them and had then retreated to another room when there had been too much conversation.

His parents had understood. So now, Silas and Azura were relaxing on a couch, his father napping in one chair and his mother quietly watching craft videos on YouTube in another. Azura was drifting off, too. Not that he could blame her, she had never been one for conversation. And she'd seemed pretty pale lately, so this might help her get over it.

Then the sudden blaring of Silas's phone startled Azura awake, and the tablet fell from his mother's hands.

"Is this Silas Shields?" the male voice asked when he answered. "I'm Jonah Eisner, and my family and I are probably going to need a good lawyer. You're the only attorney in town who can take a case this ridiculous..."

"I'm not a certified lawyer," Silas told him, and promptly hung up.