Joanna arrived at 'The Naming of Cats' class at exactly 7.24 am the following morning. She was late, having slept through the sound of the alarm clock and refused to wake up even when Misty had pulled her hair. Finally the fake Jellicle had given up and went to class, leaving Joanna to her fate.
It had also taken her quite some time to find the right area. The OFUC junkyard was basically a whole bunch of glades among the trash, connected by a complicated network of alleys. Joanna was pretty certain that the alleys changed from time to time, just to make things even harder for the fic-readers.
Old Deuteronomy, who was today's teacher for 'Naming,' looked up disapprovingly when she stumbled into his area and sank down on a bucket turned upside-down to catch her breath. One of his mini-Pollicles, Dueteronomy, was growling softly.
"Bad form, miss... Swanson," said the old cat after a quick look in his papers. "Detention the first day. Report to the Rumpus Cat after classes are over. T-t-t..." He shook his head.
Joanna mumbled an apology and tried to hide her blushing cheeks. Detention before the class had even began! What a nightmare...
Old Deuteronomy cleared his throat. "Well," he said. "Today we're going to discuss my name. That's D-E-U-T-E-R-O-N-O-M-Y, nothing else. Anyone knows where it comes from?"
He looked around hopefully. Nervously, Allison raised her hand.
"Yes, miss..." He shuffled through his papers again. "Allison?"
"Eh... Isn't that like some guy in the Bible or something?"
Old Deuteronomy beamed at her. "So it is! 'Deuteronomy' is the name of the fifth book in the Hebrew Bible. The Hebrew name is 'Devarim,' which means 'words.' The Latin name, however, means 'The Second Law.' Can you guess now, why I was named this by the honourable T.S. Eliot?" When no one answered, he continued: "I am the second law. I answer to the Everlasting Cat, and no one else. The Deuteronomy tells us about Moses and the stone tablets. Now can you guess?"
The fic-writers blinked. Old Deuteronomy sighed deeply.
"Moses... receiving the Law from the Hebrew, and later Christian, God? And then me..." He put both his paws on his furry chest, and spoke very slowly, as if he was talking to a child. "Receiving the law from the Everlasting Cat? My, you are thicker than I thought you'd be!"
"We're not thick," muttered Chelsea and huffed. "But if you haven't noticed, it's seven thirty in the morning. We're not even awake yet!"
Old Deuteronomy gave her a tired look. "And you think I'm not tired? I usually sleep for 17 hours a day. That is a lot of sleep for me to miss, you know. At least you humans are used to being exhausted all the time, but does anyone think of the faculty? No, of course not. Now, open your books to page 187, and read the Deuteronomy. I want an essay about what things it takes up about 'obeying the rules' and how BAD things happen to those who think they know better. The essay's due to tomorrow, so you'd better do a good job." The old cat smirked slightly, showing surprisingly sharp teeth. "Isn't it just ironic how the rules of the Catholic Church are also called canon?" he asked conversationally. "Obey canon, or be smote. As easy as that. Now read."
He sat down on top of the dirty rests of a dresser that served as a desk and stretched out.
"Dueteronomy," he told the mini-Pollicle. "Keep an eye on them while I get some rest, will you? Teaching really exhausts me."
"Baff!" said Dueteronomy, his tongue hanging out of his mouth. It looked a little like he was grinning.
Joanna picked up a copy of one of the many books she had gotten as required reading for the 'Naming' class. It seemed as if every character ever mentioned in Cats had a personal book that they had to read to be able to fully understand their names and the meaning behind them. On the list, she had seen both the Bible and Goethe's Faust, along with a fair few thick volumes about Greek mythology and history. All these had a name buried in them?
Who would have known that T.S. Eliot had thought this through so much? Joanna thought about her Kateryn Moonbeam Starsong and blushed slightly. She had chosen that name because she had thought it sounded pretty, not because it had a meaning. Suddenly the lines "But I tell you a cat needs a name that's particular, a name most peculiar and more dignified" started to make more sense to her.
She turned the pages over to Deuteronomy, and began to read, while Dueteronomy's ever-watchful eyes kept the class calm. No one even thought about talking. It really just wasn't worth it.
After the class had ended, Joanna got a note from Old Deuteronomy, explaining that she would be doing her detention at the mini-Pollicle pen with the Rumpus Cat.
"Tough luck," said Misty once she'd been told. "But it could be worse. I heard about this girl who dared to glomp Mistoffelees even after having been told what would happened if she did."
"Really?" asked Joanna curiously. "What happened to her?"
They were walking along an alley on their way to the next class. That is, they hoped they were. The junkyard wasn't a place to trust.
Misty shivered. "Well, after Misto had zapped her and his minis had broken every bone in her body, she got sent to the infirmary. Jennyanydots gave her Aspirin."
"That doesn't sound too bad..." mumbled Joanna. "I think she got the better deal, honestly."
"The student in question was a Jellicle. Did you know that Aspirin is lethal to cats?"
Joanna stopped in her tracks, staring at her friend. "You mean she died?"
Misty nodded. "Yeah. She got resurrected though. Mistoffelees and the Twins got her on her feet again, I'm not really sure how. I heard miss Minnaloushe talking about it, saying that it had something to do with the Everlasting Cat or some such nonsense." She shrugged. "I think she'll be okay, though. She'll hurt like hell for a few days, but she'll recover. And she's learned not to glomp Mistoffelees again."
"Oh. Good for her, I guess."
They kept going. In the faint distance they could hear the screaming of some poor student getting used as a chew-toy for the mini-Pollicles. They shivered simultaneously and decided to hurry up a bit.
After a moment they got to the right place, where the rest of the people in their class stood, waiting for the teachers to arrive. The class was 'Jellicle Relations,' and it was being taught by Etcetera, Jemima and Electra.
"I wonder what that is, 'Jellicle Relations,'" said Airmid Star, trying to strike up a conversation. "It has to be something fairly simple, considering that they have kittens teaching it."
"I hope it's simple," muttered Ralli. "That Old Deuteronomy is a tough teacher! Who would have known that he would be so evil? He seemed to be such a nice guy in the musical..."
"I always knew he was evil," said Chimalmaht and nodded wisely. "Scary, at least."
"Not as scary as Macavity!" piped up Loz, also known as Lozzypop. "I saw him this morning. He was... looking at me oddly. Do you think he knows I'm scared of him?" She looked around nervously, as if expecting the Mystery Cat to jump out at any given moment.
"'Course he does," said a red Jellicle queen that Joanna didn't recognize. "My little Maccy knows everything."
There was an awkward pause while the rest of the students tried to imagine what Macavity would do to someone who called him "Maccy." It probably wasn't very nice, and it probably would have lasted a long time.
"Hullo!" said a sudden, chipper voice that they all knew belonged to Etcetera.
The tortoise-shell kitten had showed up behind them so quietly that they hadn't even noticed. She was grinning excitedly and bounced up and down as she spoke.
> "You're my students!" she said. "Good! Good good good! Come in, come in, don't just stand there!"
She ushered them into her class area. It looked basically like the last one they had been in, but on every single one of the assorted over-dimensioned bedside tables that served as desks for the students, there lay a copy of a very thin magazine of some sort. It was shiny and glossy, with colourful pictures of Jellicles on the front. In bright yellow letters, Joanna could read:
THE JUNKYARD LANTERN
And, in smaller lettering: Who Is Dating Who, Exactly? Read all about it! EXTRA EXTRA! Tugger seen with Mysterious And Beautiful Kitten - Has He Found The Love of his Life?
Joanna blinked a few times. Whoever had written this magazine was either delusional or simply insane. And they didn't have a very good grasp on when to use capital letters either.
Etcetera bounced some more. "You like it?" she asked.
"Er," said Misty hesitantly as she flicked through the magazine. "Sure?"
"Eeehh! I knew you would!" squealed the kitten and clapped her paws together. "I wrote it! All by myself! It's going to be your required reading!"
Joanna looked at the magazine again. It didn't look like it was thicker than ten pages, and it was mostly pictures. Very blurry pictures.
"Exactly what are we supposed to learn from this?" she asked out loud.
Etcetera looked a little hurt, which actually made her calm down just a tad. "This class is for those of you who aren't sure on how the Jellicles relate to each other. Of course, we don't know much about who's dating who from canon, so most of these things are just fanon assumptions that seem to fit."
"Like Munkustrap being Old Deuteronomy's son?" suggested Ralli.
"Yeah!" grinned Etcetera. "Exactly like that! And Demeter and Bombalurina being sisters, and Demeter and Munkustrap being mates... All those things. That's what you'll learn in this class. I thought..." She paused, and then continued slowly. "I thought that the magazine was a good idea... I tried to take pictures, but they wouldn't come out okay. And I'm not a very good speller." She sighed, a little sadly. "I guess that I have to think of something else." Her eyes seemed to fill with tears, but she blinked them away. "Yeah, something else."
Joanna's heart melted. "Hey, we can help you with that!" she exclaimed before she had the time to stop herself. "I mean... Most of us have opposable thumbs, so we know how to handle a camera." She looked around at her classmates, who looked a bit intrigued by the idea. "And we can write, and... We can help!"
Etcetera looked at her, her eyes wide. "Really? You'd do that?"
Joanna pinched Misty hard in the leg. The fake Jellicle gave a squeal and threw her a nasty look, but she turned to Etcetera with a smile anyway.
"Sure we could!" she said, slightly less enthused. "It would be, like, a project or something. Like a school paper."
"A school paper?" Etcetera's eyes started to glitter, and she seemed about to bounce again.
Her enthusiasm spread to the rest of the class, and soon everybody were on their feet, convincing the kitten that they would do anything within their power to make The Junkyard Lantern a real hit.
"Awesome! Hey Electra, Jemima, did you hear that?"
Two other kittens poked their heads up from behind a dumpster. Huge grins were plastered on their faces.
"We heard," announced Jemima. "Can we play too?"
"Everyone can play!" exclaimed Etcetera generously. "As long as you write something, we'll print it!"
Joanna smiled a little. It was hard not to get pulled into the giant ball of energy that was Etcetera. The kitten had a certain childish joy about everything she did that made it impossible not to like her.
Maybe OFUC wasn't so bad. Maybe it could even be fun.
'That is, if I stay away from the mini-Pollicles, Macavity, miss Minnaloushe and Old Deuteronomy,' she reasoned to herself. 'Then it can be fun. I just hope I pass.'
And then she went to work.
Answers to Reviews:
DemiGold: PPC Agents? Being cruel? Nah, how can you think that? .:smirks:. And thanks for Jemimma!
Jemima-luvah: Got your enrollment, dearie, and you're in!
Eponine: Got your enrollment too, and you're also in. :)
Puredeadthingy: Ah yes, I do update fast. I wonder how long I'll be able to keep it that way, what with me having two tests coming up next week. Ack, if only one of them could be in English! .:laments:. Mystitat: Guess who the Jellicle who got Aspirin was. ;) No hard feelings, I hope...
Ralli-Rah: Yes, I know about the whole Slash-issue... Perhaps I named that class a little badly. After all, miss Minnaloushe is not about to BAN Cats Slash. That she has no right to. She only wants the slashees to be written about in a plausiable manner. So yes, I'll re-name that class, I think. :)
lozzypop: Of course Griddlebone is around too! Don't be silly. :) She'll show up some time, just be patient.
Review, because then I'll love you eternally!