And then I must apologize again, if anyone is going to be offended by this chapter. It takes up the subject of slash, which I know that a lot of you write. (Out of 28 people that has enrolled so far, twelve has or are planning to write slash.) I don't exactly forbid you to write it, but... yeah. Read it, and find out. And come on, even if I told you that you shouldn't write slash, how many of you would listen to me? ;)
Extra Jellice to the one who can spot the almost-Monty Python reference in this chapter!
Eight: The Big Issue of Slash
After the end of Macavity's class (which basically consisted of him walking around and making them all repeat "Macavity is evil. He is not a cute little teddy bear. He cannot be cured from his wicked ways with a hug. If you forget this, you will be smote." over and over again), Joanna and her classmates dragged themselves to Jellicles: Human Felines or Human-like Cats?, in the hope of getting a relaxed lesson.
However, Skimbleshanks had another idea.
"Well," he said as soon as he showed up. "Good afternoon to ye. Today, we're going to discuss Jellicles. Now, can anyone tell me whut they are, exactly?"
The students looked at each other uncertainly. Was he looking for a particular answer? After a short while, Lyra (who was sporting a black eye ever since she tried to glomp Macavity) raised her hand.
"They're cats, aren't they?" she asked hesitantly.
Skimbleshanks nodded. "Aye, they are. But, they have some talents that yer normal housecat does nae got. Anyone got a suggestion?"
"They sing and dance," said JemimaWeasley.
"They play on stage in a theatre!" cried out Karlitio.
"They cook!" came an answer from Allison.
"Very good," said the Railway Cat. "But ye're forgettin' things. Vital things, that tells us that a Jellicle is nae normal cat. As for an example, Bombalurina and Demeter sing that Macavity's fur is ginger. Now, cats, just like dogs, are colour-blind. Ginger, bein' a kind of red, should be impossible for them to see. In their book of ref'rence, Macavity could just as well be green."
A few students sniggered at this.
"And o' course, real cats donnae dance, either," continued Skimbleshanks. "And they gen'rally don't do magicks."
"Couldn't they do it behind their humans' backs, so that they never notice?" asked Joanna.
The Railway Cat sighed. "Whut is easier to believe, miss Swanson? That yer nice wee kitty-cat does magic tricks behind yer back, or that the Jellicles are simply a special tribe of half-humans, half-cats?"
Joanna didn't answer that. She wasn't sure of what answer he wanted to hear.
"But ye make an excellent point," said the teacher and gave her a courtly nod, as if he was a king and granted her a favour by doing so. "It's also very clear that some of the cats at the junkyard has humans takin' care of them. They have collars, and their songs states that they live in close contact with humans. That little fact says that they're no half-breeds. They're cats, no more, no less."
"So... what's the correct guess?" asked Jemima-luvah.
Skimbleshanks waited with his answer. A few of his fangirls (to his great surprise, he had quite a few) sighed dreamily from their places at the front of the class. "Tha' is, indeed, a puzzle. Andrew Lloyd Webber has clearly stated in an interview that all cats are Jellicle cats, and it's fairly certain that that's what T.S. Eliot meant in the original poems as well. It makes sense, considerin' The Addressin' of Cats and other musical numbers. But countin' all the characters, there are aboot thirty-odd cats at the junkyard, and that is includin' everyone that only show up on stage once. Surely there cannae be only say, thirty-five cats in the world? No, probably not even in London!"
"So the Jellicles are a tribe, then?"
It was Sacai Stormcage who had spoken up. The Pollicle student, who had left "no comments" on her(his?) enrolment form and had thereby been left as a gender-confused Alsatian, was looking at Skimbleshanks apprehensively, with the pink tongue hanging out of the mouth.
"A lot o' things speak for it," answered the orange cat. "It is also a common fanon assumption that some sort of test is required for an outside cat to be let into the junkyard. The levels of diff'culty for this test varies, though. Also as a side-note I want to say: If you will ever find yerself in a position that ye will have to write such a test, then please don't make it too simple. To be a Jellicle is not something ye do on a whim. It is an important decision, and it shall be treated as such. Mister Kerl, would ye please stop whisperin' in the background? I am feline, my senses by far surpasses yer own, and if repeated, you shall have to suffer the consequences of answerin' to miss Minnaloushe."
Tie Kerl sunk back into his seat and sighed in boredom. Skimbleshanks coughed slightly.
"Thank ye, mister Kerl. Now, if ye would be so kind, can ye tell me somethin' that Jellicles do NOT do on stage?"
The fanboy gulped. "Err... They don't..."
"Yes?"
"Kiss?" Tie offered weakly.
"Aye, they donnae kiss! And why not?"
"Because... they're cats?"
"Exactly, my lad! If ye had dormitories, I would have given yers five points right now. What else don't they do? Anyone?"
His gaze landed on Eponine, who had apparently been preparing for this question.
"Hug!" she said proudly.
"Very good! Why don't they hug, miss Eponine?"
"Because cats don't hug! They nuzzle! Sir," she added, just in case.
Skimbleshanks beamed at her. "Well said! So evidently, there are some rules to be followed. OFUC is willin' to bend these rules just a wee bit, for the sake of creativity, but ye should keep this in mind. There are some things that cats donnae do, and thereby Jellicles should nae be able to do them either." He made a dramatic pause. "Which raises the question of slash."
A few students perked up. They had been waiting for this ever since Skimbleshanks had told them that it would be a part of the curriculum for the class.
"I am first inclined to say that ye should nae write slash."
A few gasps were heard, and Roman de la Croix fell to the floor in a dead faint.
"But there are hot dancing guys in tight outfits!" howled Misty, half-standing on her seat. "You just can't expect us to NOT write about that! It's inhumane!"
"Would ye let me finish, miss Misty?" asked the Railway Cat with a frosty smile. "As said, that was my first thought. Ye should nae write slash, because slash includes homosexual relationships, and cats simply donnae do tha'. I know what ye're gonna say," he said as Ralli's hand shot up into the air. "That ye know of male housecats that has been mating, and although that is true, that is nae classified as homosexuality. If ye asked these cats whether or not they prefer mating with someone of the same gender, they would nae understand the meaning of yer words. That we know for sure. Homosexuality means 'to fall in love with someone of the same sex.' Cats do nae understand the concept of that. And ye slashers, ye should already ken this. I'm sure tha' Alonzo and the lot teachin' slash has told you aboot this."
The orange cat gave the class a stern look, and some mumblings were heard. Ralli's hand was still raised, so he gave her permission to speak.
"So the question is: Do Jellicles know the difference?" she asked, breathlessly.
Skimbleshanks nodded. "That is exactly my point. We know now that there are some differences between cats and Jellicles. We only have to ask ourselves how far those differences extends. Since this is a fandom where so little is known, we simply donnae know what's canon and what's not. Half of the things we teach at this University are just fanon assumptions! We donnae know enough to judge whether or not slash is possible."
He looked over his class, who were frantically scribbling down notes. Then he sighed. "So by all means, write slash."
The class erupted in applauds, and Nix and Kaylyn high-fived. Roman was awakened from her fainting spell, and there was in general much rejoicing.
"However!" bellowed Skimbleshanks, and at this, his two minis (Skimblesahnks and Skimpleshankx) stood up and growled. At once, the students sat back down again. "However, and I cannae stress this point enough, although ye have the right to write as much slash as ye wish, ye should still think of keeping yer slashees in character. Write whatever ye want, but remember yer grammar and spelling, and if ye should forget to keep the characters IC, then I suspect that Mistoffelees would be more than happy to sic his minis on ye."
He frowned momentarily and checked his pocket watch. He cleared his throat. "Now, if I have understood things correctly, this is yer last class for today, aye?"
A few "yes"s echoed through the class.
"Good. Well, then miss Minnaloushe has asked me to not let ye go just yet. She has some things that she wants to talk to ye about. I believe it has something to do with the little... visit we had just now." His glass-green eyes flashed in the general direction of Chelshastin and Brize, who both blushed furiously. "So anyway, while we wait for her I want ye to read through page nine to fifty-three in your text-books. Quietly, please."
He sat down by his desk and absentmindedly scratched Skimblesahnks behind the ears. The students quickly got up their books (Felines and Their Charming Ways by William Black) and began to read.
Miss Minnaloushe knew how to make an entrance. In fact, she had once studied the fine art of opening doors and majestically sweep into a room, thus drawing everyone's eyes to yourself. It was really too bad that the classrooms of her university suffered from a terrible lack of doors. Appearing in the middle of a glade among all the junk just really wasn't the same.
"Alright, listen up, you pathetic excuses for writers!" she called out the second she appeared.
They all jumped at the sound of her voice. She smirked slightly. Good.
She said with an unusually perky voice: "After long consideration, I have decided what I should do with you little rule-breakers. Not just talking about misses Chelshastin and Brize, but all of you. It is obvious that you have yet to understand what happens if you do not do what we tell you." Miss Minnaloushe smiled that odd little smile, which she knew very well made her students extremely nervous.
"What are you going to do?" asked a brave soul.
"Ah, I'm so glad you asked!" Miss Minnaloushe clapped her hands together in delight. "I'm going to take you lot out on a small quest. It will be educational, and hopefully you will get 'Do Not Write Mary-Sues' into your thick sculls. I have talked to your teachers, and they agreed to let you off lessons in the morning. We will get back for dinner. Humans, make sure you dress lightly. If you're heavied down by too much clothes and can't keep up, then rest assured that no one will be waiting for you."
The course coordinator sighed and rubbed her hands together. "I suggest that you will get some rest tonight, little writers. Because tomorrow..." She chuckled, and there was something sinister in that chuckle. "Tomorrow, we're going on a field trip!"
Answers to Reviews:
DemiGold: Hm... Germany, you say? Worth checking out. :)
D0uble-Tr0uble: No, I don't think that Tugger will lead a class that teaches the student how to get the girl. Would be interesting, though.
Jemima-luvah: But if "Heavyside" is copyrighted, then shouldn't "Heaviside" be as well? I know I've seen it more than once in copyrighted lyrics across the 'Net, and it's also the version I have on the lyrics in my CD case. Hm. 'Tis a puzzle, indeed.
I'm glad this story gets your imagination going. The Ironwings figure in an original story of mine that I'm currently writing, and since they are a rather frightening people I thought I'd put one of them in this story as well. Miss Minnaloushe doesn't turn up in the original though.
Roman de la Croix: I wrote you an e-mail with my response, so that I don't clutter up this section of my updates. Just for the record: I don't think you're a jerk. You're of course entitled to your opinion.
Skellum: No, I don't have a classlist posted. I have of course written one (plus a schedule, a complete list of seminars, and a list of offered free-time courses. The latter includes of course music, crocheting and tatting, taught by Jennyanydots) but I don't think I'll post them. Maybe I'll put them up on my website one day. Don't sit around and wait for it though, since I'm notorious for being slow at updating said website. I don't know how! .:wails:.
Mystitat: Thank you. .:bows:. Nah, Maritza Chin Smaragde was an invented character, created by me and not by one of my poor students. I really should stop creating Mary-Sues... So many of them exist already, without me having to contribute! A John Smith? (Or Gary Stu, or Marty Sam, as they are also called.) I've never seen one of those in CATS, although I have come across a fair few in the Harry Potter fandom. Fascinating creatures. Perhaps I'll think up someone for Confused Cats one of these days. Would be an interesting change, I think.
Lyrange: I know, I know, I constantly spoil you guys with new chapters. It's a sickness, really. I just can't help myself. Perhaps I should join Compulsory Updaters Anonymous?
Eclectica: C'mon, join the side of OFUC! You know you want to... We have Jellice! .:waves a bowl of Jellice around in front of you:.
And now, before you click that lovely little button that says "Submit Review," I have a question for you. Have you ever written a CATS crossover ? If so, what fandom did you cross it over with? I'm thinking of perhaps having a class about this, so it would really help if you answered. You don't have to have anything posted on the 'Net to respond.