"Do you have any idea how hard it is being me?" exclaimed Raven Bitca and glared at Doctor George. "I mean, not ONLY did my adopted parents never understand my SUFFERING and TORMENT, but when I'd FINALLY gotten together with my real parents, this crazy cat-chick shows up and throws me to a bunch of DOGS? I mean, does that sound FAIR to you?"
"Not exactly," sighed Doctor George and wrote something down in his clipboard. "Please, do tell me about it."
Raven perked up. "Really? You won't hurt me?"
"I really won't hurt you."
"Awesome! Well, I suppose it all started with my parents. I mean, my ADOPTED parents. They were, like, very mean and they ABUSED me, isn't that just HORRIBLE? I NEVER felt at home there. I didn't have ANY friends at school either, because everybody hated me because I had pointy ears!"
"Fascinating."
"I KNOW! It's like, SO original! And then one day when I was watching CATS, I like fell through the TV-screen, and as it turns out, I'm the long-lost daughter of Munkustrap and Demeter, and I'm betrothed to the Rum Tum Tugger! Can you imagine?"
Doctor George winced. "Unfortunately, yes. Now, my dear, I want to know one thing."
Raven Bitca looked up, her yellow/green eyes twinkling with tears. "What?"
"Do you want some cheese with that WHINE?"
Mimosa giggled and turned to the students. "Alright, kiddies, what about this one? Miss Antigone?"
Antigone, the only femslasher at OFUC, shrugged. "Well, she does angst quite a bit..."
"That's right! I'm not forbidding angst, it's just that when she just keeps going on and on and ON about her bloody tragic life and how nobody understands her and that she's all alone, it gets sort of boring to read after a while. Note to self: If your character angsts more than Grizabella, you're taking things too far."
"Oh, and the whole 'my-Jellicle-parents-were-afraid-that-I-would-be-captured-by-Macavity-and-turned-me-into-a-human-to-save-me' plotline?" put in Gecka. "Been there, done that, got the bloody t-shirt. If you really feel that you have to do it, then drop the angst and make it an interesting read. It is possible."
"Now," said Mimosa. "Let us move on and take a look at out last specimen. Now, this is an interesting one. I guess you could call her a relative. Meet Cinderella, daughter of Macavity and Demeter."
They walked over to the last room in the row, to behold a gorgeous golden queen. It was clear that she hadn't been at the Heavyside as long as the two previous Sues. Her fur was still shining, and her eyes still sparkled, and she still bore the look of superiority that the students recognized from their brief encounter with Maritza Chin Smaragde. She was wearing a diamond necklace, and she was looking at her psychiatrist with boredom.
"Can I go now?" she asked. "My daddy wanted to buy me a pony."
"He's not your daddy," said the tom in front of her, who Mimosa told them was Doctor Augustus. "And why would a cat want a pony?"
"Well, I don't know! Daddy said that I should have one because I was his special girl and because he loves me very much!"
Mimosa snorted loudly. "Yes, go ahead, you spoiled little brat. Tell us what a wonderful, doting father the most dangerous cat in London is! Banish the thought that he'd ever treat his kittens badly! No, he's just a sweet old tom deep down inside... Have you even SEEN the sodding show?"
"Is she talking to herself?" whispered D. J. Waters to Joanna.
"I think so," Joanna answered. "Maybe she doesn't like it when people turn Macavity into a big softie."
"Yeah, one might say that," said Mimosa and glared at Cinderella through the glass. "But dear Cindy the Terrible here has a tendency to turn everyone that gets near her into something that T. S. Eliot or Andrew Lloyd Webber never imagined. They tend to morph into two-dimensional characters without any traces of their personality, there only to serve the purposes of the story. Mistoffelees, for example, did nothing but gush over her amazing magical powers and how they surpassed his own by far before the PPC showed up and dispatched of her."
The fic-writers hissed. The nerve!
"And the moral of this story is: Write the existing characters IC, or there will be much trouble," finished Mimosa.
"And there you have it," said miss Minnaloushe, who hadn't spoken for a while. "What is rule one? Miss Starfire!"
"A character without flaws is not a good character!" barked Starfire after a moment of desperate thinking.
"Good! Second rule. Mister Karlitio!"
"Careful with the angst; a character that angsts too much about a tragic past is BORING."
"Very well, but I'd appreciate it if you'd cease with the random caps-lock, Mister Karlitio."
"Blame Raven Bitca, miss Minnaloushe," said Karlitio and wondered silently to himself where he found the courage to talk to the course coordinator in such an impolite manner.
Miss Minnaloushe however quirked a smile. "I plan to. Third rule. Miss Swanson!"
Joanna twitched and searched frantically in her brain for the answer. Third rule, third rule...
"Keep the canon characters in character!" she answered after an embarrassingly long time.
Miss Minnaloushe nodded. "Exactly. And, since it took you such a long time to remember what is considered to be the simplest rule of them all, you are rewarded with this little treat. Agent?"
She turned to Gecka, who picked up the jar with the captured Jellcile. It snarled and banged its tiny fists against the glass in its desire to get out. Joanna shivered. Gecka grinned sadistically and threw the jar to the fic-writer, who clumsily caught it.
"If a Jellcile is cared for enough, is fed and played with, it turns into a Pollcile," said miss Minnaloushe calmly. "And I know that neither of you knows what that is, so I will explain. A Pollcile is, just like its relative, a small fairy-like being, but instead of causing a desire to write badfic, it gives you a truly good idea. That is something to be cherished in this day and age. Your mission, miss Swanson, is to turn this little Jellcile into a Pollcile. By the end of the term, this shall be completed, and you will receive the award of a truly Good Fic. Have you understood?"
"Yes, miss Minnaloushe," said Joanna and swallowed.
She looked at the Jellcile. It glared at her evilly and bared its teeth.
"That is one menacing-looking little devil," muttered Misty and shook her head in compassion. "Sucks to be you, buddy!"
Miss Minnaloushe paused, and then it showed up. The dangerous smile.
"What did you just say, miss Misty?" she asked in a purring tone of voice.
Misty's eyed widened in sudden terror. "N-nothing, miss."
"Did you by any chance express a wish to share this little inconvenience of your friend's?"
"No, please, miss!" Misty gulped nervously. "I'd... really rather not."
"Well, too bad for you! Now that I think of it, I do believe that each and every one of you would profit in this little exorcise. Mimosa?"
The ginger queen looked up, trying to hide her grin. "Yes, miss Minnaloushe?"
"Do you by any chance know where my students can find a Jellcile of their own?"
"Oh, we have a lot of them! I don't think that the scientists would mind if we gave the students one each, especially not if that meant that we'd get more Good Fic out there."
"Fabulous. If you could be so kind and lead the way..."
"Certainly."
And, with her entire body shaking from suppressed giggles, Mimosa led the now suddenly extremely nervous class away from the white corridor, through the waiting room, and into something that mostly looked like an auditorium. Joanna's free hand clung to her bottle of bug spray. The room was filled with Jellciles. They were everywhere, zooming through the air like speeding bullets, hundreds of pixays that fought or chased each other, while continuing to laugh their shrill laughs.
The noise was unbelievable. The pixays sounded like arguing parakeets on a tea party.
"One spray should do it," miss Minnaloushe informed them over the sound. "It should paralyze them long enough for you to put them in jars and bring them home. Don't forget to make little holes in the lid. Perhaps we learn through pain around here, but we're not savages. The last one to catch its specimen gets detention with the Rumpus Cat. Go! Miss Swanson, you already have yours. You stay here."
Joanna exhaled in relief and gave her Jellcile a grateful look. She stayed put while her classmates grabbed their cans and a jar, said a prayer to their deity of choice, and went out into the fray. Miss Minnaloushe, Gecka, Mimosa and herself sat down on a bench to enjoy the view.
"What are you calling yours?" Gecka asked Joanna curiously, nodding at the jar.
Joanna thought for a moment. "Polly, I think," she said finally.
Gecka grinned. "Ah. Positive thinking. I like it."
"Thank you."
The Agents lowered her voice. "Don't let miss Min get you down, kid. She's tough as hell, tougher than you and me because she isn't human, but she cares about some things too."
"It seems like she hates us."
"She doesn't hate you. She might despise you, but a part of her cares and wants you all to succeed in your studies. That's why she pushes you so hard."
"Are you trying to tell me that she's really a big softie inside?"
Gecka snorted. "Heaviside no! She's a vicious lunatic! She'd make a fine Agent, should she choose that path. With the insanity, I mean. She's got that part down already." She paused. "Seriously, though. She does care about the university, and she does care about canon and the Jellicles. So listen to her, kid. Try to learn something. It'll be worth it, in the end."
Joanna nodded and looked at the jar with Polly. The Jellcile growled and kicked the glass.
"I believe you," muttered Joanna. "Sometimes I wonder if she knows what she's doing, though."
"She does."
It got quiet as the two watched the other fic-writers running around, trying to spray the pixays. The Jellciles laughed nastily at them, made faces and extremely impolite gestures as the students accidentally sprayed each other in the face or tripping each other. No one wanted to receive detention.
Joanna dared to glance at miss Minnaloushe. The course coordinator sat calmly, watching her students. She gave the impression of a gargoyle, guarding patiently as stone, never looking away or blinking. Sometimes she caught a careless pixay in the air and threw it away, confusing it so that it wouldn't come near her again, but she did it almost absentmindedly, as if it was of no importance to her. Her eyes never left her students. There was something oddly moving about the whole picture.
Joanna shook her head and decided to watch Misty instead. Her friend had cornered a dark-haired Jellcile, and was now spraying it right in the face. Joanna gave her a smile and applauded as Misty picked up the fainted pixay and put it in her jar. With her fur all dishevelled, the Jellicle student returned to the group by the bench. She sat down next to Joanna, clutching her jar proudly.
"Good work," said Joanna, grinning. "Was it hard?"
"Thanks!" replied Misty, trying to get the worst ruffles out of her fur with her claws. "Yeah, it was a bit tricky in the beginning, but you get the hang of it. I got a pretty one!" She smiled at her dark-haired pixay, who was slowly regaining consciousness. "I wonder what genre it is?"
"Give it here," said Gecka and squinted into the jar. "Ah yes. She's pretty, all right. They tend to be rather difficult to handle. She looks like a Drama fic to me. Possibly Action/Adventure, I'm not sure."
"Sounds neat!" Misty patted her jar contentedly. "I'll make sure this one turns into a nice little Pollcile."
"What are you going to call her?" asked Joanna. "Mine's Polly."
"I think this one will be Alida," said Misty and nodded. "It was my grandmother's name."
"Polly and Alida." Gecka shook her head. "Sounds like a Greek tragedy."
One after the other, the remaining students joined them, all proudly holding jars with their captured Jellciles. A few had been bitten, and were sitting on the floor babbling incoherently about crossovers and pairings and ratings until miss Minnaloushe got up and made them recite the English cities that Skimbleshanks visited by train in his song.
Finally, everyone had gotten a pixay and were more or less sane again. It was time to wrap up the field trip. Miss Minnaloushe thanked Mimosa (who, in turn, thanked her for the many laughs she'd gotten) and they started to make their way back to the giant Tire. With a rather small amount of threatening from miss Minnaloushe, they all got up on it and hung on to its sides as tight as they could. The could see the pink Secretary wave merrily at them, and they tried their best to wave back without loosing balance. It went so-so, but at least no one fell down.
And slowly, the Tire started to descend from the Heavyside Layer. They were going back.
A/N: When I decided for a name for Joanna's Jellcile, I chose Polly because of its recemblance to "Pollicle" (or "Pollcile," even) and then I looked it up at BabyNames Dot Com. Polly means "bitter." Also it's the shortened version of Paula, which means "small." So, small and bitter. Sounds like a Jellcile all right... And Alida means "small and winged." Thought it would fit. :) Eru, I love BabyNames Dot Com...
Answers to Reviews:
Krissy4: Yeah, I figured she misspelled it. The funny thing is that she misspelled it the same way twice, so I thought "OK, so either she's doing it on purpose or something's wrong... What to do, what to do? Ah, I'll leave it in. It could be funny."
Mystitat: I've seen "Jellicle" being misspelled as "Jellcile" quite a few times. It didn't seem right to just name a mini-Pollicle after it and leave it at that. I did it like this instead, just like I turned "Jellice" into something interesting. I've got "Jellical" around too, somewhere, the question is what I'm supposed to do with THAT. And Jellciles inspire BadFic, while Pollciles inspire GoodFic, just like miss Minnaloushe said in this chapter. :)
Tabis the Tabby: No, I won't forgive you! Never ever ever! Heh. Just kidding. :)
Jemima-luvah: Yeah, I guess it could be considered brainwashing. But to what? Into writing GoodFic? Then I'm all for it. Sorry that I didn't write a reply-thingie for you, but there are a lot of people reviewing, and it fell out of my head. No excuse, I know... But it's the best one I've got, unfortunately.
Eponine: Why wouldn't I be nice to you, dear little Eppie? When you're nice enough to review with a question, I figure I'll be polite and answer. Common curtesy, that is. .:nods:.
Korora: Unfortunately Maritza Chin Smaragde is in quarantine for now. She must be looked over, to see that she doesn't bring in a bunch of Sue-diseases into the Heavyside. Dreadful things, Sue-diseases... And thanks for the minis! How is it that Mungojerrie/Rumpleteazer minis always come in pairs? .:ponders:.
Listen not to Roman de la Croix, my dears! She will corrupt you aaall! .:grins:.