Delphine wakes to find the air is chillier outside the blankets. Michael is still sleeping, for now, but she knows he will be up in minutes and either want to have her quickly or realize the time and get going to work. Even with the new wood stove in their new dwelling. Michael had asked for it. They have a room to themselves, but the door is a curtain, for now. The common area hosts a wood stove, with a bakers oven and she smells bread. Cindy's new habit of waking early and making bread was something she could get used to. They share it with three other couples.
The table is small and round, thrifted from one of the trips into town. And plenty of wool blankets, coats and sweaters had arrived. Some sent via post from concerned friends, others purchased. Still, some were given by farmers who had shook their heads and told them what they'd need to keep warm.
Delphine slips into a sweater easily. Many had exchanged their summer hippie aesthetic for whatever is warmest. Beards were growing, either bushy or scraggly on most of the men. And the least she can say for Michael is that his beard was full and not too scraggly.
"Morning." Cindy greets her braced against the wall for a moment. Cindy doesn't look up, just quickly goes to pump some more water.
"Are you… alright?" Delphine cannot help herself from asking. She hates to admit it, but she prefers busy commune Cindy to high Cindy.
"Oh yeah. I'm fine." Cindy seems to shake this off. "Bread will be ready soon… Which is good."
"Apple jelly?" Delphine points at the jar on the table.
"Yeah, one of the last couple jars Judith didn't insist on selling in the market." Cindy sighs. "I've already fed chickens and baked bread… And now… well… We'll see what today brings."
"It feels like it might snow." Delphine warns her, wondering what experience with snow Cindy might have coming from California. Maybe none. Either way Cindy doesn't respond to her, instead looking out one of the small windows of repurposed glass.
"Bill! Mickey!" Cindy hollers. And the men get up. And she knows then, they'll rush off to help at nearby farms and be paid for it. Michael doesn't even correct her to Jack. he just sort of becomes Mickey the more time he spends with Bill. And at least it was closer to his actual name.
Cindy helps herself to warm bread and apple jelly, so Delphine does as well.
"How are the children doing?"
"I mean… they are OK." Delphine shrugs. There had been more complaints of being cold. And more kids wrapped in hats and heavy sweaters. Some people had offered some hand-me-downs from their own kids. But mostly the children were just… children. Caught up in the middle of all this nonsense they still played, still behaved like children, and still often turned up their noses at the food.
"I think we're getting more stability now. Chickens. Goats. Fall planting is done. We borrowed horses and the plow this year but next we'll have our own. I know Judith was talking about sheep. And we have plans for pigs - but we need to buy them young in the spring. That will have to wait for next year." Cindy manages between enthusiastic bites. Delphine eats more slowly. She is never eager for days to begin, or end here.
"We still need to survive winter." Delphine parrots what half of the commune has been saying. Apparently surviving winter wasn't guaranteed. And a few more men had taken jobs in town or for farmers. The little work there was to do in the winter.
"Bill has been writing about it. He's going to send it to publishers. Patrick is writing a book too… Except I am half convinced Judith is writing half of it!" Cindy laughs.
"She very well might be." Delphine agrees. She's seen enough of them now to see that. That the two acted as a team, that the ideas Patrick was able to sell so passionately often originated with his wife.
"I think… Nevermind." Cindy brushes it off. "I will have to go down to the barn today. Apparently it needs a repair? Cosima said it was getting drafty."
"The barn is a good walk…" Delphine eyes her housemate who is beginning to look nauseous again. "Are you OK to make it?"
"I… don't know." Cindy shrugs. "I mean… Pretty sure on the cause. But it's just so early… And it's not like I can get a test out here."
Delphine nods having anticipated this. In fact, she was fairly certain the pregnancy was conceived in their first three weeks here. And Cindy seemed happy enough about it, if not wanting to share with everyone just yet.
"Do you think you'll get married?"
Cindy considers for a few moments. "I mean… Back in San Francisco, I'd have told you no. But… I think I will ask Bill to marry me in the spring before the baby comes. Just… Just to do this right. I mean Judith is married. Rob and Molly are married… John and Mary are married… It's part of it, right?"
Delphine hums, grateful that she has not yet run out of contraceptives. But it is getting close. Close enough to be a source of concern. Michael was supposed to have given up by now. Supposed to have begged her to leave and catch a bus back to his parents' town. Back to real life. One that would support both of them in relative comfort.
"Well I have months to think it over. Bill… Bill will just agree." Cindy is confident in that. And Delphine envies her for just a moment. She's certain Michael would refuse.
"How about I go help Cosima. We're friends, and I don't get to spend much time with her."
"That's great. And I will watch the kids. Maybe Mary or Judith knows what to do about… morning sickness."
One can hope, Delphine thought. But all her medical training came up short on that. She could calculate the child's due date. She was aware enough of Cindy's last period. It was hard not to be living like this. But not much else.
When she enters the barn, she finds Cosima pushing a large brown and white goat back into a pen. The goat, from the looks of things, is either fat or pregnant. No doubt an asset to people who have suddenly decided the most viable way to live was running an orchard and making goat's cheese.
"Delphine!" Cosima stops, surprised. The goat bleats, and begins to try to climb again. "No. I told you Minerva. This is your pen. It is cold now. I will put a nice goat-friend in it for you."
Delphine hesitates. "Are you busy?"
"No. Not busy.. I just don't see you in the barn much. I just wrangled Minerva away from the door." Cosima points around at the pens, some look a little broken. Seven goats bleat and chew on hay.
"I see that."
"Gandalf is the buck Buckling? He's still pretty young. He is the most recent addition to our herd. I told Judith to wait to expand until spring…. Mostly because of winter. Barn space. Because we need to be self-sufficient. Plus it's probably more affordable to get the goats pregnant and then wait and see what the babies look like." Cosima points to a large goat in his own, better pen near the back of the barn. "I mean, he has a friend right now…" Cosima jabs her thumb at the female goat with him. "But that is just… animal husbandry."
"Animal husbandry?" Delphine notes that the goats seem rather happy together and interested and wonder if they have already mated. They rub up against each other enthusiastically. The male is gray and white and bearded… and stinky. But his ears are floppy like a rabbits and he seems gentle enough if enthused with his companion.
"I was given three books on goats. I read them. I feed them… I play with them. I pet them."
"You pet them?" Delphine repeats to the sight of Cosima learning over to pet Minerva again and stroke her floppy ears.
"Yeah. Goats are pretty social. And more interesting than sheep. Though Judith is talking about sheep. I say wait until spring… Because that other barn? That one needs a ton of repair. Roof full of holes. Missing wood."
"Can I pet one?" Delphine leans over, and pets another one of the does. The fur is soft and the animal appears to enjoy it. She closes her eyes lazily and Delphine wonders how much time Cosima spends petting these creatures instead of dealing with the inevitable bedhopping drama some of the other single women are already in. That alone could destroy the commune unless the remaining singles pair up soon.
"They're pretty smart. Like, Minerva will respond to her name. Gandalf? Less so.. And those three young females? Sappho, Diana and Venus. They're pretty good."
"Who is Gandalf's friend?" Delphine asks.
"Ariadne. She's been bleating, swelling, trying to get close to that pen wagging her tail like crazy so I put her in." Cosima quips, pointing at the multicolored goat. "Every one of these goats is taking turns in that pen. Except Minerva. She came to us pregnant. And uh… So did Sappho I think… I have notes. Somewhere." Cosima waves absently. And Delphine wonders exactly how Cosima ended up with this kind of work. She could do anything. She could help Judith manage all the books. Or write about it. Delphine is certain she'd rather hear Cosima's perspective than Bill's.
"Ah… Is it a bad time?" Delphine is fairly certain she does not want to witness goat breeding.
"No just… don't get too close to Gandalf… he smells bad. He's peeing on himself. Blowing raspberries… So I put Ariadne in with him hoping to ease his frustration. Now he keeps licking her like the horny goat he is. Honestly, I should just put them all outside in the field and let Gandalf have his way with anyone in heat." Cosima stops considering. "But that many baby goats all at once? Eh, I feel I should space them out a little."
Delphine finds herself feeling sorry for a goat, and quickly redirects her attention to the task at hand. "What did you need help with?"
"I asked Cindy. Don't worry about it."
"Non. I volunteered to help you. Cindy will be watching the young children." Delphine smiles and leans closer. "Besides, you are better company."
"Then the rugrats? Thanks." Cosima quips jokingly.
"What do you need?"
"I need help fixing the pens. Inside and outside… So you'll need a tool bucket. Let me finish feeding these goats and then I can help you do it."
"OK. And you said it was cold?"
"Well it's OK until we have baby goats. I told Judith we need a heat lamp. Need a way of getting electricity out to the barn. But we don't have any. So I was thinking maybe we could think up a way to insulate some of the pens? Maybe the old horse stall? Something?"
"So you want to prepare for the baby goats?"
"Yes." Cosima nods. "I am taking this job seriously."
"You spend a lot of time here."
"Well…I don't really fit in here. I mean, I do because I totally get the politics of it. It's amazing. But socially? Eh…"
"You're closer than me." Delphine reaches out for Cosima's closest hand. "We can always be two misfits together."
Cosima chuckles a little under her breath. "I'd like that." Cosima gives her hand a quick squeeze and releases it,
"MIchael fits in great." Delphine states slowly. "I never will. I'll never be what he wants me to be."
"Yeah. Delphine. I know." Cosima shrugs. "And he'll never be what you want him to be. So you're even. Totally mismatched."
"Mismatched." Delphine feels out the word. "Do you still want to leave?" She asks finding Cosima leaning over another pen to scratch the head of another goat.
"Not now." Cosima tells her after a few moments of consideration. "You know… some things just have to play out."
"Play out?"
"Yeah. Need to see where they lead. Follow the path to the end." Cosima gives a little smile. "So how about you help me fix these pens…and we'll have lunch."
"OK." Delphine nods finally.
It's hard work, Delphine admits. Getting the spare wood, and a tool bucket. Holding the beams steady while Cosima hammers the nail into place. And then Cosima sends her for some chicken wire to goat-proof the smaller pen for the male. But she enjoys the work. Enjoys Cosima's company, the way she talks with her hands reminding her of home, the way Cosima engages her easily on any subject. They collar and drag the females out to the bigger pen, but leave Gandalf and Ariandne inside for now. Some of the goats walk easily, others are stubborn and need heavy effort to get them outside.
"He really needs this?" Delphine comments. "I mean are you sure he won't just stay in his pen?"
"Ooh yep. They smell really good to him once they're in heat. So… he will try to get to them by any means necessary. Climbing. Jumping…" Cosima taps a worn book in her bag. "I've been studying up. It's actually pretty interesting."
"Maybe I'll read it and help you."
"You don't mind the work?"
"I don't. The company is good. The bull… is stinky but females smell fine." Delphine has noticed that much, especially while coming in and out of the barn.
Cosima laughs happily. "Can't argue there. And he's a buck or a billy… not even a full grown one. But he doesn't have to be. I wish I'd gone with Patrick to buy him. I have no idea what we're getting."
"Does it matter?"
"That chapter has a whole section dedicated to udders. Cleaning. Care of. Milking. Selecting goats with good teats… the whole thing. Assessing health of your goat."
"Maybe I won't read it." Delphine mumbles. But she might as well. She's long run out of good reading material. And the kinds of books that come back are all very instructional.
"How about we finish the buck pen after lunch? Come on." Cosima leads her up over the hill. And sure enough lunch is some sort of soup, carrot and lentils. Most of the meals were vegetarian, Delphine noted. She'd heard a few of the men talk about trying to trap rabbits but as of yet that has gone nowhere. She's fairly convinced no one here actually knows how. A few men had experience fishing and that might result in food. Maybe.
"We're late." Cosima wrinkles her nose and helps them to two bowls of soup. They sit down in the main house, trying to not be too loud as they hear little voices not far away.
"We were working." Delphine defends them. "And it's still lukewarm."
"Not the worst meal I've had here." Cosima eats the soup eagerly. "It's fairly decent."
"Yes." Delphine agrees. Though the food stores had been a concern they were improving. Largely by buying large quantities of lentils, beans and rice and root vegetables. Things that would keep in an old cellar. Things that would feed people cheaply as possible.
"The goats won't have milk until there are babies." Cosima muses. "So… we should have some early in the new year, I am just worried about the babies getting cold. They're wet when they're born."
"I don't suppose you could bring them inside?" Delphine gestures to the small house. Cosima was the most consistent occupant and had managed a room of her own. The two other single women shared and went in and out.
"Could get messy… but I guess I could if I really had to." Cosima tilts her head thinking. "You know anything about birth?"
"In humans or goats?" Delphine quips.
"Either."
"Humans… I saw birth in medical school… Maybe three times." Delphine tries to brush it off. It wasn't her area of expertise. There were sage-femmes and doctors trained for that.
"I need to do more reading." Cosima looks concerned so she reaches out a hand to clasp hers.
"You are taking very good care of the goats. You will manage just fine." Delphine tries to be reassuring and she thinks it's working. Cosima is attentive to them, caring. And she appreciates that. Cosima's kindness shines through as it always does. Drawing her closer.
They finish up the pen repairs in the afternoon. And Delphine checks for gaps as Cosima goes in to fetch Gandalf, calling it a particularly unpleasant job.
"Delphine!" Michael calls for her attention as he strides across the field. "What are you doing out there?"
"I was helping Cosima!" Delphine hollers back, standing up. She thinks the chicken wire will do, but they will have to do something about the latch.
Michael looks around the empty pen. "Where are the other goats? Why are you in an empty pen?"
"The females are in that pen." Delphine points."The male is inside… I think Cosima is getting him."
"Do you think we could eat one?" Michael throws out looking at the pen of goats. Who are wandering around or jumping on stumps.
"You want to eat one?" Delphine repeats as if she's misheard him.
Cosima appears outside the barn, being dragged by an excited Gandalf towards the pen of does.
"Bill said goat meat is gamey but you can still stew it. It would be some kind of meat. What about the male?" Michael jabs his finger towards Gandalf. "He's useless… We can eat him."
Cosima stops, holding Gandalf's lead firmly. "You cannot eat him. He is for breeding . He has to knock up all those goats." Cosima points at the pen.
"I mean once that's done…"
"No!"
Michael shakes his head. "I'm going to ask Patrick. I think we should eat one. Or two… Just to have some meat… We don't need all of them."
"I think like half of these people are vegetarian. And won't agree with you." Cosima jabs her hand back towards the house.
"Michael… You cannot eat the goats. They are dairy goats." Delphine tries softly, climbing out of the pen.
"He isn't going to give milk." Michael points out.
"His valuable goat sperm will make all the cute baby goats that come with the milk. No babies? No milk." Cosima tells him sternly. "He's more valuable to the commune farm alive."
"For now." Michael shakes his head. "Once they're done they're done."
"That's now how it works." Cosima becomes louder, agitated. And Delphine knows she needs to save the situation. To prevent her friend from getting on her boyfriend's bad side. That could destroy everything if she's forced to take his side against Cosima.
"Michael… We need to have a talk." Delphine adjusts the tone of her voice, looking at him pleadingly.
"Right… We can discuss goats later… Maybe in a big meeting." Michael drops it. "In private?"
"Yes, mon chou… In private." And Delphine lets Michael lead her back to their dwelling before supper. Cosima stands there looking annoyed despite her apologetic look. She'll have to apologize better tomorrow.
"What is it? Is something wrong?" Michael asks and she wonders if she can get him to lay off the goat meat questions. But she has bigger problems.
"I am running out of birth control." Delphine spells it out for him, she has less than two weeks of pills left and then has no idea what will happen. Fertility may not return for months… or it could be instantaneous and there's no way to tell. She knows only what she's seen or heard of. Maybe she could get someone to take her into a larger town to get a cervical cap…. Or even a diaphragm if she cannot get a cap in the United States. Or something . But they must be fitted, and finding a doctor willing to prescribe one could be… challenging here. She should have gotten one in San Francisco. Should have anticipated this .
"Oh that's OK baby. We'll have a little love child. We can name him Starburst or something really far out. You know… and he'll truly be one with the universe." Michael rubs her legs, her butt, clearly intent on having sex here and now.
She lets him have her, feeling it makes little difference one way or another until she actually runs out. He sighs afterwards and settles against her, totally content. She envies his mellowness, his unconcerned calm. And maybe she's been wrong about him all along.
"You don't need those pills." Michael tells her afterwards. Seemingly fully content. "We can just be fully human together and love each other, and see what happens. Let the universe decide."
"Alright." Delphine agrees reluctantly. Trying to force a calm expression on her face. Privately, she wants to scream. She will not be having an illegitimate child. She wouldn't do that to herself. Or a potential child. What a disaster that would be. Returning to France pregnant isn't a result she wants to consider. She can imagine the look on her maman's face. And it's not something she ever wants to see.
She goes to dinner and waves hopefully at Cosima after, but Cosima is deep in conversation with Judith and won't even look at her. It makes her bristle with annoyance, and disappointment. But maybe she deserves it.
The following morning she goes down to continue working with Cosima. She'd bathed, as much as she could anyway. And it wasn't like the goats would mind if she was sweaty.
"Hey Delphine."
"Cosima… Good morning. I thought I could help you again." She offers, then produces a couple slices of fresh bread. "I brought this for you. Cindy made it."
"Thanks. Leave it wrapped up over there." Cosima waves, trying to keep her eyes on her work. So Delphine gets closer.
"So I was thinking about what you said. I think I will come help with the goats. If you need me. When you need me."
"Great, Delphine can you hold this?" Cosima points and Delphine does. Unsure of exactly what Cosima is doing.
"Are you adding another bar to the pen?"
"Yes." Cosima tells her curtly. "One of the little does got her head stuck and getting her out by myself was hard."
"I'm sorry… I had to… deal with Michael last night." She offers it apologetically, but Cosima's expression doesn't really change. It doesn't soften for her like it usually does.
"Rough night?" Cosima tilts her head. As if she can see right through her.
"Non… It was fine." Delphine lies.
"OK. So… we'll work on the goats." Cosima nods. "I want to finish this this morning, then get the goats outside to graze and forage this afternoon. It's supposed to be decently warm then."
"We can do that." Delphine moves in closer. "I was thinking about something yesterday… What were you reading before we left San Francisco?"
"Regularly? The Ladder… But also…The Bell Jar, Free Woman…I'm not sure you'd be familiar with much more of it." Cosima stops.
"Feminist literature?" She's read a few things, the Feminine Mystique among them, but not as widely as Cosima has on that subject.
"Mostly." Cosima tilts her head, a small smile forming. "You could say I prefer to read almost exclusively about women."
"I like that." She laughs, looking over at Cosima. She feels lighter with Cosima here. And it brings joy. But Cosima doesn't laugh. "What is it?"
"You smell like him." Cosima tells her, and shifts backwards away from her.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, you smell like you had sex last night."
"I mean… I did." Delphine shrugs. "It's natural. I am sure the same happens to you." She was fairly confident that most of the women here smelled like that at least half of the time. But not Cosima, she reasons. Never Cosima.
"I no longer allow men to … shall we say, enter the temple gates." Cosima finishes delicately.
"Then… what?" Delphine shakes her head, confused. By both the euphemism and the sentiment itself. Cosima is saying that she no longer allows penetration? That she doesn't make love?
"I don't have sex with men anymore." Cosima looks at her pleadingly, begging her to put it together. And Delphine finally does. Cosima has rejected every offer from a man here. None of them had been able to have her. And leadership was clear, Cosima got to choose where her bed was and with whom. Like every other woman here. And if that is alone, that is Cosima's choice.
"You… like women." The puzzle piece finally slides into place. Cosima is a homosexual. Has always been. Since long before they met.
"Yes."
"You… like me ." The realization slips over her. It's obvious. Looking back, Delphine can see it now. Cosima's kindness to her. The way she'd catch Cosima looking at her. Cosima's very presence here when she could be anywhere. Cosima's disgust at her smelling like sex.
"I do." Cosima admits. "I really do."
"Oh." Delphine says softly, unsure of what to make of things now.
"It… doesn't have to change things."
"It does change things." Delphine considers, looking back. It may change everything.
"Why?"
"Because now when you look at me… it's different ." Was Cosima looking at her with desire? With…love? What did she know of such things?
But she cannot turn her back on the best friend she has here.
"I don't want to… seduce you unless you want me to." Cosima is quick to clarify.
The words stun her, for a moment. "Oh."
"You'd have to want me too. Otherwise, we'll be friends." Cosima waves vaguely. "Anyway…"
"Cosima…"
"It's fine." Delphine shakes her head, not sure what to do with this information. "I just… I didn't realize you could smell it on me so easily."
"I always can. Also… you always look kind of lost after."
"I do?"
"Why do you even have sex with him? There are other options." Cosima waves her hands around. "There are other men here Delphine, you might have better luck with someone else getting what you want."
"I wanted him to marry me." Delphine sighs, covering her face. "You already know this Cosima. I risk being deported."
"Past tense. And now?"
"I don't know what to do anymore. He…grates on me."
"Like socially? Emotionally? Bad sex? You don't actually find him attractive?"
"He is mostly attractive. Or was…Just…"
"Well what isn't attractive? Maybe focus on that for a while."
Delphine laughs. "His penis is ugly. He has no… prépuce… and it is so ugly. It doesn't even feel good." Delphine admits with a small shudder. She hadn't voiced that before, even if she'd thought it. It wasn't appropriate to say. And what did it matter what it looked like. It wasn't as if it was constantly on display.
"No… what?" Cosima looks at her confused and Delphine shakes it off. It's not the time. Cosima doesn't need or want a male anatomy lesson. There's no point.
"I do not love him. If I loved him, I don't think it would matter as much." She admits instead. And maybe that's the bigger problem. If she loved him, the rest of it wouldn't matter.
"Delphine… I know that." Cosima answers kindly.
"I thought I would fall in love. But I didn't."
"You cannot force things. Either you have a connection or …you don't. Either you grow together or you don't. Hell even if you fall in love there's no guarantee you'll stay there."
Delphine hums. She leans back towards Cosima, who scootches back. Maybe Cosima just hates the smell? Maybe that explains the days Cosima is less interested? Maybe it is a thing among lesbians to be repulsed by it, by the smell of men.
"I guess I will have to make a decision."
"You will." Cosima nods. "In the meantime, goats."
"Goats." Delphine laughs. They do have a lot of work to do.
She eats supper with Cosima that night, sitting closely on a bench near Judith and her children. Cosima passionately makes her case against eating the goats and Gandalf's value to the farm. And for her part Judith nods and listens. And having spend money to own a buck instead of rent one, she seems inclined to side with Cosima on this.
It's not until she returns home and begins readying herself for bed that things go wrong. Delphine looks through her back, But it's not there. The small circular case is missing. And inside it, the pill she needs to keep taking as long as she can.
"Michael."
"What?"
"Where… are my pills?" Delphine asks. Her nightly routine is interrupted when she cannot find them. They are supposed to be here. Supposed to be in her bag. Safely stored where she needs them.
"Gone." Michael shrugs. "We talked about this. It's not natural… not in line with our lives here. Just being human together, right?"
"What?" Delphine is panicked, looking through her bag. They must be here. She had a week left. How many could she miss before it was an issue.
"Delphine, they're gone. I tossed them into the outhouse. We're done with that life. The outside world is messed up baby."
"Non." Delphine paces looking increasingly agitated. "I need them… I need them!"
"It's OK, Delphine. We can be human. And if you're not quite ready, I'll just… you know."
"You know what ?" Delphine can barely contain her rage.
"Pull out." Michael shrugs as if it is obvious. "Bill says he does it all the time."
Delphine storms off in her exasperation, leaving Michael to call meekly after her. She cannot imagine Michael doing that successfully.
For a few days they are in an awkward sort of truce. She still sleeps next to him at night. And she returns to her regular job of caring for children. Everything is as it was. But she refuses sex, an irritant. And Delphine wonders which of them will break first. What will send this lopsided house of cards tumbling down permanently?
Then she stirs one morning to him at her back, rubbing himself against her. Sleepily, Delphine groans resting her head against their lumpy excuse for a mattress. It's familiar even, Delphine thinks half-asleep. Of course he would, it isn't new. It is part of the pattern she has allowed to develop. Meeting his needs, trying to be what he wants.
"Delphine…" Michael groans at her, and continues his frottage. He's warm against her back. Delphine closes her eyes. She's tired, and drifts back to sleep. She only wakes after Michael has pushed inside to sheath himself fully in her. Like he has dozens of times over the last few months at varying levels of her semi-arousal. But now it's different. He slides in more easily than she can recall and grunts into her hair. Perhaps she'd been sleeping more deeply than she thought?
She lets out a loud sound as she startles, trying to put everything together. He's in, Delphine realizes, suddenly unexpectedly awake, as he begins thrusting eagerly behind her, as one of his hands reach to grip and hold hers above their heads. They roll from spooning, until he is on top of her, holding her hips elevated as he gains room to move. Fully awake, Delphine contemplates her next move. Is there an easy way out of this? Is there a way to salvage the situation? Or her plan?
"I can pull out… I'll pull out." Michael promises in a low voice, as he takes her eagerly. And she's wetter than she should be, Delphine thinks confused for a few moments of sobering thrusts. Wetter than she can remember being in years without sufficient stimulation beforehand. Her suspicions about her own body grow in the quiet, frantic minutes of their coupling. He smells worse than she remembers and that too confuses her.
Either way, she has no control in this position, Delphine thinks as she involuntarily lets out noises as Michael becomes more frenzied behind her. He's loving it, clearly. He still fucks like a rabbit, worse than ever in this position. As if he expects his pleasure to automatically lead to hers. Jean-Marc had never been like this, Delphine thinks absently, no matter which position they were in when they made love. Jean-Marc's strokes had been soft, and he had a sense of rhythm. He'd brought them both la petite morte more often than not.
"Aaahh." Michael cries out slamming inside her once more, and it's over. Delphine feels it. He pulls out, ejaculate splattering as he does. It was not successful. Delphine is certain of that much. He is incapable, Delphine decides, of attempting to avoid pregnancy this way. If he even really wants to.
"Non!" Delphine leaps away. "Not again. Not like this."
"What? Baby… Come on… It was a mistake. We'll get the hang of it. I can't go quite as long as I want… but we'll learn how. We can try again tonight." Michael calls after her, as if his 'little problem' is suddenly hers. She looks back at him, naked and limp and…ugly.
"Non. I cannot. I will not risk an illegitimate child." Delphine says, sounding more sure of herself by the moment. She cannot do that. Will not do that again. It doesn't matter what Michael wants, he would not be the one left holding the bag if things go wrong.
"It's no big deal…You sound like a total square right now."
"It is a huge deal." Delphine retorts, looking for a cloth to clean up with. She needs to bathe, thoroughly. And she needs a safer place to sleep. She has no patience for being awoken like that.
And Michael protests, of course he protests. It's been days since she's let him have her. But she dresses and stares back. Holding her ground. Maybe for the first time with him. She cannot be what he wants. Not now.