Four Deadly Words

By: Knucklehead McSpazatron

Summary: One way Voldemort could take over the wizarding world.

Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling and her affiliates. He doesn't belong to me. This is very distressing to my person, so please try not to rub it in. Oh, and, before I forget, Survivor belongs to whoever it belongs to. I don't watch reality television.

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It was a relatively normal day for Harry Potter, Ron Weasly, and Hermione Granger. Sure, the rainbow-covered socks that followed them around singing "The Candy man Can" were a little bit disturbing, but really, what more could you expect from the twins.

All socks aside (Hermione had hexed them to all veer to the left around an hour ago) the day was going fine. So, of course, they were summoned to the headmaster's office.

After the customary guessing of sweets (the password ended up being Lemon Drop; Ron rather thought they should have known.) they were seated in some rater uncomfortable leather armchairs. Right across from them sat Draco Malfoy and Severus Snape. Harry, whose nerves were rather frayed from the stress of their normal day, barely restrained from throwing a hissy fit.

Albus Dumbledore started the proceedings. "Ah…Harry, Mr. Weasly, and Miss Granger, how lovely to see you."

Ron cut in abruptly. "How come Harry gets to be Harry, while I'm just Mr. Weasly, and Hermione's just Miss Granger? I mean, I suppose I can understand Hermione but what about me? Don't I mean anything to you anymore?" After this thoroughly confusing rant, Ron fell silent. He was most likely going to stay silent for the rest of this fic, but don't hold me to that. Sometimes he can be a right bastard and just start spewing off random city names in the middle of the story. It's rather irritating, you know.

Everyone in the room just blinked in his general direction for a moment, before Dumbledore cleared his throat. "Yes, well…as I was saying. It's lovely in Portugal this time of year, don't you think?"

"Actually professor," began Hermione hesitantly. She was, after all, correcting a teacher. "You were telling us how lovely it was to see us."

"Of course, Miss Granger. Thank you. I believe it is time to get to the heart of the matter. Harry, as you may or may not know, Severus Snape is a vampire. Now, when vampires turn 43 years, 7 months, 2 weeks, 4 days, 3 hours, and 27 minutes old, they are required to mate with two people. If they don't, the consequences are dire."

"Dire as in, fatal, or dire as in, insanity or just dire as in, mild pain every so often?"

"Dire as in having to wear cowboy underpants for the rest of your known life."

Harry was having a hard time understanding how this was so terrible, but decided not to argue. Anyway, it's not like this could possibly affect him, right? RIGHT?

Hermione smacked the back of his head. "Stop the blatant foreshadowing Harry; it's giving me a migraine." Harry, being the all around nice guy that he is, stopped. Plus, Hermione-with-a-migraine was ten times worse than Hermione-with-PMS, and the entirety of Hogwarts had temporarily moved into Hogsmeade the last time that had happened.

Dumbledore resumed his speech. "In addition, Mister Malfoy is part vela, part elf, part demon, part incubus, part hag, and only really like four percent human. This obviously means that he also needs two mates. Now of course they are going to be mating together…"

"Oh My God Professor, are you trying to scar us for life? I mean the images! Don't worry Hermione they aren't real, it's not happening." Hermione was rubbing her temples and ha been reduced to mumbling to herself. Ron was a nice shade of green, and Harry was twitching.

Dumbledore ignored them. "They will need a second partner. Harry, it's unanimous, you've been voted off the island."

"Err…what?"

"I mean, you are the lucky guy, have fun with your life mates." Dumbledore grabbed a suitcase and exited through a previously unseen door. Through the door came the sounds of an announcer detailing the latest 'Survivor' show.

Harry sat in shock for about ten seconds before jumping up and yelling "HELL NO!" Hermione was holding a book as if contemplating whether it was worth loosing her brain cells to brain herself with it, Ron looked close to hysterical tears, and Harry was jumping and screaming. But you already knew that last part. I was just recapping.

Draco looked hurt. "You're supposed to come running over to me and then we're supposed to start snogging. Why aren't you running and snogging!"

Harry (well, all of them really) was close to a mental breakdown. "I repeat, HELL NO!"

All three Gryffindors had been trying to get away from the two snakes (well, not really, I just needed to get them to the Gryffindor dorms; move the plot along and all) for the past ten minutes and they had just made it to the portrait when they heard a faint voice call from back along the corridor. It was Draco again. "But I'll get intentional gas…"

This highly disturbing sentence triggered the reactions that had previously been suppressed. As the Fat Lady swung open, all the Gryffindors were privy to the sight of the Golden Trio's mental breakdown. Hermione dashed across the room, picked up 'Hogwarts: A History' and started repeatedly braining herself with it, screaming "The images, They BURN!" Ron sank to the floor, sobbing hysterically. Harry curled into the fetal position, and started rocking back and forth twitching systematically. And I cackled madly, 'cause I can.

It was only until several hours later when Professor McGonagall finally managed to calm them down, that they got the whole story. Sadly, this caused a breakout of mass hysteria, which soon spread throughout the castle, and to every Light family home. "The Curse", as it would come to be known, affected everyone, leaving neither the youngest toddler, nor the oldest man unscathed. Funnily enough, no one with Dark beginnings even realized anything was wrong. Also, all albino midgets with a butterfly tattoo were left alone. I can understand why. Butterflies are scary.

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After the Light Side had managed to accomplish everyday activities without breaking down, the war with Voldemort was called back on. Voldemort had very generously given the Light Side a vacation, and had taken a lovely stay in Vegas himself. Now it is the final battle and both sides are evenly matched. That is, until…Pansy Parkinson managed a Sonorous Charm. Now, while this might not seem awe-inspiring, we should remember that Pansy is from a generally Neutral family, and therefore heard about "The Curse", although not contracting it herself. So, if you will, imagine the Dark Side's surprise when the words "Cowboy Underwear and Gas" rang through the crowd and everyone on the light side collapsed in various states of mental breakdown.