I own not. I mean it.
"I think we're just better off as friends. Even if it was a lie, it felt true, and the pain was tearing me apart. If it had been true, I couldn't have dealt with losing you as a friend too. I'm sorry."
Those were her last words before she walked off. I had been away for a trip to New York with the school band, that being the only elective I could live with, and Madison, who decided to come along with her flavor-of-the-week decided it would be a wonderful idea to call Spencer and ask her how she's dealing with the break-up.
"What break-up? Ash and I are fine."
"Oh. Well then, I guess it's nothing. I mean she's allowed to make out with other people I guess, so it's no big deal. Okay. Bye Spencer."
When Spence called my phone crying, I felt my heart break. She didn't even give me a chance to explain. I hadn't even been looking at anyone the entire time. I missed her so much, I had even cried a while on the plane. Needless to say, I feared the worst and decided to explain the next day, when we would be back in school, even if I would be plagued by serious jet-lag.
I noticed her by her locker and ran to meet up with her. When I reached her side, she refused to even look at me.
"Spencer, please, let me talk to you."
"There's nothing left to say."
"Yes there is! I never even talked to anyone the entire time we were there. You were all I could think about. Please baby, you have to believe me!"
I was in tears again by this point, but they were nothing compared to what would come after what happened next.
"I'm sorry Ash, but…"
"Spencer, please no…"
I just stood there and watched her go. My mind just kept screaming to go after her, but my legs just wouldn't move. I slid down the face of the lockers and brought my knees into my chest and sat there for a half hour before deciding that I couldn't stand being there anymore. I dug my keys out of my pocket and went back to my car, not sure where I was going, but absolutely sure I had to go.
I drove for hours just trying to find a place to go, away from any memories of her. But my luck isn't the best, and I ended up in "our spot" under the pier. I sat against the same support beam I had always sat on since the first day we'd come there, my mind racing with every memory I had of us. The moment she told me she "thought she liked girls", us messing with Aiden in my bedroom (then almost kissing her for the first time), watching as she told me about her first time, and then holding her afterwards when she cried about remembering, our first kiss, our first date, and our first time. But I found that I wasn't crying anymore. I just froze up that day, and started rebuilding the walls that she had broken down so long ago.
A month passed, and I still couldn't believe that she was gone. We were back to the way things had been, "just friends". I wasn't sure if she really felt that way, but I knew I didn't. Finally, when I couldn't take it anymore, I asked her if she ever really felt anything for me.
"I'm sorry, but…no."
"Then…but…why did you say you loved me? Why did you kiss me? Why did you do everything you did when it was all nothing but a lie!"
"I thought I really felt that way, but I was wrong. I'm sorry Ashley, I really am."
"It's okay. I mean it. I never really did either. I mean, you know me. Never get attached, never get hurt, right?" Foolish pride.
"Oh. Well, that's good. So, are we okay?"
"Yeah, we're fine."
But I wasn't fine. My pride wouldn't allow her to know I was hurt, or to know that I loved her even though she never loved me. So that's the way we went on. But now, in the third month after the split, everything changed. The day my pride collapsed.
"So, Ash, I need to ask you something…"
"Okay, go ahead."
"Did you really ever like me like that?"
"I…um, well…uhh…."
"Did you?"
"I couldn't um…"
"You did, didn't you?"
"Yeah, Spencer. I did. When I say I love someone, I mean it."
"So, why did you say you didn't?"
"Pride, Spence. Pride."
I don't know what made me tell her. I had nothing to gain and everything to lose. So, what? Did I expect her to fall back into my arms, and say "Oh Ashley, I loved you too, I was just so scared that you meant it when you said you never cared" ? Was I really that naïve to think that, I, Ashley Davies, might finally be happy again? But why did she want to know? I know she wants to know things just to know a lot, but was that really the case here? No, it couldn't be. I'm just reading too much into it. I spent the rest of the day beating myself up over it, before finally collapsing into bed at 11:30. Much sooner than I ever would. Mom was in AA, due to her new man candy's wishes, so I couldn't even turn to the one thing that had always helped me. I had long since bashed Madison's pretty little face in, and I was too depressed to even put forth the effort. And Spencer was the one person who it was impossible to talk about this with. There's nothing else to do but sleep now, even though my dreams are infected with thoughts of her.
TBC, I'm thinking. Review, and tell me what you think Spencer's really thinking.