3

Danny watched her quietly for a few moments as he rinsed off the rest of their dishes, able to observe from across the counter that separated the kitchen from
the dining and living room area. He'd invited Gabby over for dinner, keeping his promise to see her again and wanting to talk. She walked slowly around the room, coffee mug in hand, rocking back and forth on her feet when she stopped in front of his bookshelves, observing the various titles. He joined her a few minutes later, sipping from his own cup of coffee and following her gaze.

"Do you ever think about going back?" she asked, voice soft, pausing to take a drink.

"Back to what? Law?" he replied, turning slightly so his back was to the bookshelf, facing her.

She nodded. "I know how much you wanted to be a lawyer," she said, eyes moving from his books to him. She frowned and then shook her head. "But I don't even know what happened...why you're in the FBI now. Did you finish grad school?" she asked.

Sighing, he nodded and waved her away from the shelves. They sat down, side by side, on his couch, the books safely behind them now. Sometimes he wondered why he kept them. "I did finish school," he explained. "And I was all set to take the Bar but I..." Sighing, he paused; reluctant to continue but knowing he had to. "I was drunk, wrecked my car, got a DUI and missed the exam," he said, voice tense because even now, years later, it still angered him, frightened him - the level to which he had sunk. Gabby's eyes widened briefly, in shock he presumed, but she said nothing, waiting patiently for him to continue. He took another sip of coffee and faced her again, being sure to meet her gaze. "That, among other things, was, as they say, my wake up call. I got help, I gave up on being a lawyer and somehow found my way into the FBI."

She nodded, still silent for a while, thoughtfully considering what he'd said. Eventually she moved a little closer and squeezed his shoulder, a comfort he was strangely grateful for. "So...do you ever think about going back? About taking the Bar again?" she repeated her question.

"Sometimes," he answered. "But I've come to love this job, despite its stress and tragedy and…I'm not quite sure I could give it up now. Maybe someday."

They talked for a while longer, her mostly about her daughter and her going back to school, him in more detail about his job and getting sober - something he was reluctant to talk about mostly but found rather easy with her.

He wasn't quite brave enough to bring up the subject of Martin, but she did it eventually, wanting to know if he'd come to any conclusions since they'd last talked, almost two weeks ago. He shook his head and sighed, setting the now empty mug on the coffee table. "I don't know Gabby," he said, pained. "I'm hurting him and I hate it. Things are stressed between us at best and I know he just wants an answer..."

"Just any answer?" she asked skeptically.

"That's the thing," he answered, ignoring her look of disapproval. "I think he'd be okay with me saying anything right now, just so he knows, so it can all be over. But I...God, I want so badly to tell him what he wants to hear."

"Then do it," she said, waving him to silence when he tried to protest. "Yes Danny, it is that simple. Yes you can make this decision. You love him...and yes, that is enough," she said, voice slightly heated.

"But Gabby, what if--"

"God Danny, I know we haven't seen each other in years but you are the last person I would've expected to start living in what ifs!" she exclaimed, her smile softening the words. She moved closer, fingers reaching out absently to touch his cheek, his hair. "I know you're confused and you're scared and I'm not saying that you shouldn't be, but you love him! And of course there's the possibility that things won't work out but you can't know that for sure," she said, pausing for a few moments and watching him. He knew what she was seeing...stubbornness and uncertainty among other things. Martin. Forefront suddenly on his mind and he couldn't seem to hold onto any of the reasons as well as before. She smiled, hand on his cheek again. "I wish you could see yourself when you think of him," she said softly. He raised an eyebrow, smirking a little, wondering how she was able to read his mind so well.

They sat there together for a while longer, silent for the most part, watching an old movie on TV, just happy for each other's company. Eventually, as the movie ended, she turned to him, yawning a bit and told him she needed to get home, that the sitter was expecting her.

Anxious suddenly, he nodded and pulled her in for a hug, arms coming around her tightly, one hand tugging nervously on her dark hair. "I think you're right," he whispered as she returned the embrace. She whispered soothing, hopeful words in Spanish against his ear, making him smile and calming the worst of his nerves. When he finally let her go, he smiled weakly and touched her cheek with his fingertips. "Thank you Gabby," he murmured. She nodded and smiled - that smile that had first enticed him - and leaned in to meet his kiss. Soft, sweet and full of gratitude, a touch of something more that had always lingered closely between them but had never and would never develop into anything more.

He couldn't say what it was that made him turn around. But the city seemed to smile in cruelly through the windows as his eyes turned from Gabby to Martin's saddened gaze. How long he'd been there Danny didn't know, but he knew what he'd seen and how it would look and as the sadness turned to a deeper sort of pain in Martin's eyes, Danny felt his resolve grow even stronger. Swallowing hard, he stood up with every intent to explain, taking a tentative step closer to the other man. But Martin shook his head and turned quickly, silently walking back through the small hallway towards the door. Danny didn't give it a second thought as he followed, reaching him just as he was opening the door. He reached around him, pushed the door closed and wrapped his arms around Martin in one swift movement. He pressed himself close, his chest to Martin's back, arms tight as they held him.

"Just let me go," Martin pleaded softly, a weary sort of pain in his voice. "Please Danny, I...I can't do this anymore," he added sadly.

"I know," Danny replied softly. He could feel Martin trembling in his arms; feel him trying to put up some sort of protest, to run away.

"Let me go…please," he said again, voice hoarse and soft.

"I can't," Danny replied, absently pressing his lips to the side of Martin's neck. "I swear to you, it's not what it looks like. Just give me a chance to explain…please." Gently, he turned Martin's pliant body around so he could look into his face. Blue eyes full of pain and sorrow, something Danny wanted to take away as quickly as possible. He ran his fingers through Martin's hair, rested one hand on his cheek and looked into his eyes. "Stay," he murmured. "Let me explain," he repeated, pleading a little.

Martin nodded helplessly, practically collapsing against Danny when he pulled him close again. After a few moments he turned, one arm still firmly around Martin's waist, pulling him away from the door and into the living room. Gabby stood there, eyes wide with worry, clutching her coat, presumably waiting for a good time to leave. Martin turned, burying his face against Danny's neck, his arms coming around him and holding tightly to his back. Danny returned the embrace, holding him close, his eyes locked with Gabby's. She motioned to leave and he nodded, mouthing the words "thank you" again. She indicated with her hand that she'd call him and he nodded again, listening for her to shut the door behind her.

As soon as she did, he pulled back, just a little bit, and met Martin's eyes again. "Come on and sit down so I can talk to you," he said softly, fingertips absently touching the other man's cheek. He couldn't help leaning closer, pressing his lips softly to Martin's, wanting to soothe. They sat down, side by side, Martin slipping off his shoes and turning inward to Danny, leaning his head against his shoulder.

Danny wasn't quite sure where or how to start without sounding overly clichéd. For a while he said nothing and Martin seemed content, for the moment, to sit in silence and just let Danny hold him. But Danny needed to talk, needed to explain…needed to alleviate Martin's pain. Not just from tonight but the pain Danny had been causing him for weeks now.

"Who is she?" Martin asked, breaking their silence and startling Danny out of his thoughts.

"Her name's Gabrielle," he said softly, running his hand through Martin's hair, unsure if it was for Martin's comfort or his own. "She's a friend from college…I haven't seen her in years."

"Why now?" Martin asked, sounding pained. Danny knew the real questions he wanted to ask – the ones he never would. Why was she here? Why were you kissing her?

"I went to see her a few weeks ago. You and I had…we'd been fighting and I left." He stopped for a second, pained because he knew that didn't clarify much. They'd been fighting too much recently. "I needed someone to talk to about…about us. And there's no one I could think of, no one I'm close to these days. She was my only real friend in college – not someone I drank with – and I…to tell you the truth I wasn't even sure she'd want to see me," he said, babbling.

"Why not?" Martin asked softly, his hand resting against Danny's chest, fingers moving absently against his shirt.

"Well, to put it simply, the more I started drinking the less I saw of her. She wasn't…she wasn't very conducive to my lifestyle at the time. She wanted to study, I wanted to party. Eventually she stopped trying and I was glad," he said bitterly. Martin didn't say anything for a while and Danny stayed silent, trying to figure out where to go next, how to explain better. There were so many things he was dying to say but he wasn't sure how to get them out.

"She's very pretty," Martin said, minutes later, a certain edge to his voice that Danny read plainly as jealousy and hurt.

He shifted slightly, one arm firmly around Martin's waist, the other on his neck, turning so he could look into his eyes. "We were always only friends Martin," he said honestly. "I befriended her with the hopes of getting a date, but she turned me down. We started hanging out as friends after that and the one kiss we shared, weeks later, was too weird that it didn't happen again."

"Until now," Martin quipped, eyes darkening with pain and a little bit of anger that Danny knew was there – just knew Martin was tired of feeling it.

Danny shook his head and touched Martin's cheek. "No Fitz, I promise you," he said, voice a little desperate because he hated the look in Martin's eyes. "When I went to see her a few weeks ago it was to talk about you. I told her that I was confused and scared. That I wanted to be with you so much but I didn't…didn't quite know how." He stopped for a moment, swallowing hard, knowing he had to keep talking before the words became harder to say. "I wanted her to tell me to give you up," he said, voice hoarse. "That we'd both be better off but she…she wouldn't do it. And tonight she came over for dinner and we talked about the past and then she wanted to know what I had decided about you, about us. I still didn't know, had hardly let myself think about it since I'd seen her." He paused again, needing to catch his breath, wishing Martin's eyes weren't so damn unreadable all of the sudden. "I kissed her because…it was out of friendship and gratitude and nothing more than that I swear to you," he pleaded, jumping a little when he felt Martin's fingers on his arm.

"So…what decision did you make?" Martin asked softly, his voice lacking emotion. Danny knew suddenly, from the tone of his voice and from the way he was holding himself – so tense and controlled – that he was preparing for the worst. He couldn't blame him with everything he'd just said.

Foregoing words, Danny leaned forward and kissed him, arms wrapping tightly around his back, lips soft but insistent against Martin's, deepening the kiss. "I want to be with you Martin," he whispered, words hot and quick against the other man's lips, pulling back slightly to look into his eyes. "And not halfway anymore," he went on, smiling just a little and quickly kissing the corner of Martin's mouth. He ran the back of his hand over Martin's cheek, watching as blue eyes turned from coldness to hope, still struggling with belief. He knew it could be difficult…he was still having trouble accepting it all himself. But the difference was, he wasn't so afraid anymore. Danny kissed him again, deeply; putting everything he wasn't quite sure how to say into the kiss. "I want…a future with you," he murmured, watching as Martin's defenses started to fall apart. "I want a relationship with you…a real one," he added. Sighing, he smiled again and ran his thumb over Martin's bottom lip. "God Fitz I…I love you."

Martin looked at him for a few moments saying nothing. Danny could see the way he was working things out in his head, eyes still wary, searching Danny's own, looking for the lie. Danny knew that Martin's trust was hard to earn, it had taken him long enough before they'd even gone past friendship, but now, he wasn't sure if he still had it or had lost it in the past few weeks. So he knew Martin was trying to figure out his own instincts, not sure whether or not he could trust Danny's words.

And Danny knew it wasn't completely fair for him to want it all so quickly. After all, he'd been the one to resist, to push away where Martin had been nothing but open and willing at first. Now, everything had changed and he wondered how long it would take for them to finally be on the same page.

Martin reached out, fingers shaking slightly, and touched Danny's cheek, moving slowly through his hair to the soft skin at the back of his neck. He leaned forward and sighed, pressing his forehead to Danny's and shutting his eyes. Danny felt the way his whole body seemed to relax, heard the relief, the gratefulness in his sigh. Martin kissed him gently and it was then that Danny knew. Knew Martin had found his answer and had decided on trust and belief, or had at least decided to try.

"I love you too."

tbc