Tekken Fag Tournament: Round ONE
Wait-For-Sleep: (Inside the Fag Out Discussion Room, talking to RR) Okay, I think we gotta get rid of the boringy type ones that no one likes.
RR: I agree.
Wait-For-Sleep: So the Fag Outs are…
Outside the room…Michelle: Why won't they hurry up and tell us who is leaving! My buffalo stew is burning!
Julia: What! Mom! You killed a buffalo! But that's so mean!
Michelle: I lived in the desert, it's how I grew up, and I isn't your mother, shat bag!
Julia: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH (she runs about like a headless chicken and jumps on Hwoarang because she wants a hug.)
Hwoarang: OFFA ME BEECH! (batch slaps her and she falls over.)
Julia: But…I…I thought you LOOVED ME!
Hwoarang: Nah, that's just what the fan girls told ya.
Asuka: HAH HAH HAH NO ONE LOOVES JULIA!
(Hwoarang and Asuka laugh like loons on loon tablets.)
Julia: Well, no one loves you either, you…you… you thang!
Asuka: I am not a thang! I am a HUMAN BEAN!
Jin: That's 'being' Asuka.
Hwoarang: Who asked you, Kazama?
Asuka: Which Kazama?
Suddenly, there's a thump and Asuka is lying on the floor with a tree branch on top of her. Julia laughs out loud. Jin and Hwoarang beat Julia with said branch. Then another branch conveniently appears and Hwoarang uses it to beat Jin. Jin is defenceless.
Jin: MOMMY! MMMMMMMM-OOOOOOOOOOO-MMMMMMMMMMM-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Jun: Yeeeeeeeeeees?
Jin: Wah.
Jun: You army street perv! Stop hitting my son with a conveniently-appearing-out-of-nowhere tree branch!
Hwoarang: (Looks down, ashamed of his foolish ways.) I'm sorry Miss Kazama.
Jun: That's Mrs Mishima to you!
Jin: What the hell?
Jun: Jin, dear, don't swear! (Guffaws)
Jin: Why are you called Mrs Mishima now?
Jun: Because I'm marrying Kazuya! HE LOOOOOOOOOOVES ME!
Kazuya: DON'T LISTEN TO HER! SHE'S CRAZY!
Jun: (Offended) Then explain this! (Holds up her left ring finger and there's a big ugly Christmas cracker type ring on it.)
Kazuya: (Blushes furiously) It is a marriage of convenience, nothing more. (Then he looks every single Tekken character in the eye.) We shall never speak of this.
And they never did.
Eddy: Yo! I is bored! When is they gunna hurry up in der!
Heihachi: I do not know, Eddy. I just don't know…(looks all sad and emo and sobs softly to himself.)
Eddy: (Stares at Heihachi) You werd.
Christie: LIKE OMG LIKE OH EMM GEE LIKE LETS HAVE LIKE A DANCING SHOW! THEN WE CAN ALL LIKE, LIKE DANCE AND STUFF AND THEN MAYBE WE LIKE, WON'T BE SO BORED, AND LIKE, MAYBE THE BEST DANCA CAN LIKE, LIKE, LIKE, LIKE WIN A PARIZE!
King: What the fuck is a 'parize'?
Christie: Oh emm gee, like, you like, don't know what a parize is!
Tiger: Dood…what teh fuck? (A/N: Yes, it is meant to say 'teh', not 'the'.)
Christie: IT'S LIKE, LIKE YOU WIN IT! IF YOU'RE LIKE, LIKE, LIKE, LIKE A WINNER!
Armour King: That's 'prize' Christie.
Tiger: Ohhhhhh, now I dig it dude.
Christie: Yeah, but like, like, say PARIZE! It's like waaaay coolier!
Everyone stares at Christie. Christie doesn't realise that she is meant to be embarrassed so…
Christie: Like, like, ooooooookay! Let like, like, like the Dance Thang begin!
Eddy: Yo yo yo!
Baek: What is it?
Eddy: Nuthin', I just always wanted ta say tha'.
Tiger: Dude…lets' just dance and stuff. (Turns his back to everyone, takes something out of his pocket, and a sniffing sound is heard.)
Bruce: What was that, bro?
Tiger: (Turns around sharply) What's what! I don't hear no sniffin', I don't see no grugs…I mean…rugs…no, chugs…dr-drugs!
Everyone: oO
So, without further ado, the dancing begins! They all climb onto the stage (OUR stage ¬¬) and are about to switch on that 80s stuff (coz it's easy ta boogie down to!) when suddenly…
Ganryu: They all thought I was outta the game…I'll…I'LL GET IT ALL BACK! (Then he puts on a Heihachi-like voice.) You deluded fool!
Kazuya: Dude, don't steal other people's lines. It's harsh.
Heihachi: Yeah, it brings people down.
Ganryu: I may be fat, and shmexier than you all, but I am a better fag, a better dancer, and a better DANCING FAG!
Christie: Like, like, like, like BRANG IT OAN BATCH!
The dancing begins. Christie dances the annoying pop dances that are all over our screens nowadays. Young whippersnappers. Gar. ¬¬. Ganryu, however, rips off his sumo thong to reveal a tiger patterned ballet tutu!
Marshall: Woh woh woh! (You know that sound he makes) How the hell did ya manage to hide that under a thong! Woh!
Ganryu: I concealed it in my puppy fat…YEAH! THAT'S ALL IT IS! JUST PUPPY FAT! I'M NOT OBESE! I'M STILL YOUNG AND HIP, IT'S JUST PUPPY FAT THAT I NEVER LOST! MY DOCTOR EVEN SAID SO!
Wang: And what doctor would that be, you fat bitch?
Bruce: Wang, that is harsh, bro. We all thought you was the nice old man. But now…we see that choo is a mean bastard chicken shat.
Wang: (Glares at Bruce evilly) I can set Xiaoyu on you, you know.
Bruce shuts up.
Wang: But what doctor, you fat obese Ganryu thing?
Ganryu: Doctor…doctor…uhm… DOCTOR PUPPY FAT!
Everyone: ¬¬ Riiiiiiiiight.
Ganryu: No! it's true, I tell ya!
Eddy: Yo, what the hey bro, lets just get dis show on da road!
Ganryu puts on some peaceful, yet dramatic, classical music. He begins to spin around and leap wildly, his bingo wings flapping in a non-existent wind.
Everyone: Oo-er. HE'S GOOD!
Jinpachi: We never knew that you could be so graceful and beautiful, Ganryu. Please forgive us.
Forrest: Woh woh woh, please do.
Ganryu: (Speaks to the camera with a sad expression on his face…lets just pretend a camera has been filming all this) See…this is the problem about being me. No one really knows me…they judge me before they even see the real me. THIS IS THE REAL ME! I AM GANRYU! AND I LOVE TO DANCE!
All the Tekken characters applaud.
Raven: Bravo! Bravo! How exquisite! How wonderful!
Yoshimitsu: Aye mahn, that was well guid mahn, keep oan dain' that likes. (A/N: Denny accent, no one will recognise it lol)
Suddenly a door blasts open
Wait-For-Sleep: SHADDAP! SHADDAP! SHADDAP! Did you all have a nice time, aye? xD
RR: This is OUR stage, y'all fictional characters! Get the hell off! Or we'll write your deaths into the next chapter!
Wait-For-Sleep: Let's fag out some NON-FAGS!
RR: All the Jacks, you count as one, you are ALL fagged out
Wait-For-Sleep: Let us explore the reason why… ROLL THE FILM, BOB!
Bob rolls the clip.
All the Jacks are sitting around a table doing nothing. Jane is flirting with them, but they pay no attention, and just sit there.
Bob stops the clip.
Wait-For-Sleep: That is why. YOU ARE SO BORING. You were all just sitting there looking the exact same as each other. Not that I blame you for ignoring Jane…I wouldn't just ignore her though if she was flirting with me, I'd RUN AWAY. You may talk.
Prototype Jack: You are TERMINATED. (A wee red light beeps)
Jack 2: I am programmed to protect you! (Dives in front of Wait-For-Sleep, and she is almost crushed by the weight.)
No bomb or explosion or anything happens after the announcement of Termination.
Wait-For-Sleep: Get offa me, beech toilet head. ARNOLD WANNABE!
RR: You are the crappest Terminator ever. Gawd, you can't even do the accent!
Wait-For-Sleep: So buh-bye Jacks! (The Jacks are escorted out by some big bufty security guards who are SO going to the gay bar later. Lee shall blow it up and kill them all. FUCK I SAID THAT! THE COVER IS BLOWN!)
Silence.
Wait-For-Sleep: But, the next one to go is… Kuma.
Kuma: Rawr.
Heihachi: Kuma says, 'why?'.
Wait-For-Sleep: THIS is why. Bob, do your thang.
Bob does his thang. No, not THAT thang, you dirty minded bastards.
Kuma is walking through the forest with an iPod in his hand and a bright pink pair of plastic looking hot pants on his ass. He shakes his butt do the music.
"Rawr rawr rawr rawr rawr rawr." (Translation: Who likes short shorts? I LIKE SHORT SHORTS! Who likes short shorts? I LIKE SHORT SHORTS!)
Bob stops his thang. (Don't even think that!)
Kuma: Rawr
Heihachi: Kuma says that is ashamed of himself. He didn't know that you could see him.
Wait-For-Sleep: Well Kuma thought…uhm…wrong. Kuma, there was no reason for showing that clip other than to make you squirm and make everyone laugh. Goodbye!
Paul: Hah! I did it! In your face Kuma! I'm the biggest fag in the universe!
Kuma: RAWR (backhands Paul. Paul dies.)
Wait-For-Sleep: So…Paul is dead. How come in the actual tournament, when Kuma does that, no one dies? If it was in real life and a bear walloped you, you would so die. So anyway, it looks like so far, the Jacks, Kuma, Paul are out. But we still have two more people to get rid of, since Paul was not our fault.
Roger: Uh, yeah it was, you made Kuma do it…
Wait-For-Sleep: Ooft…Shut up! SO anyway, Paul, Kuma and the Jacks are out. The next one to go is…
RR: Combot! Bob, film, now!
Bob plays the Combot clip
Combot and Lee are having an argument. Combot copies everything Lee says. Lee batch-slaps Combot. Combot does likewise.
Bob stops said clip.
RR: We already had Mokujin and Tetsujin, we never needed another one, particularly one as boring as you.
Combot: We already had Mokujin and Tetsujin, we never needed another one, particularly one as boring as you.
RR: Shut up!
Combot: Shut up!
Wait-For-Sleep: I'm Combot and I'm a big bufty gay who is going to go burn down the gay bar with Lee because I always copy him because I looooove him!
Combot: …
Wait-For-Sleep: Aw shit! This thing aint stooped. ¬¬ Security!
Combot: Combot! Combot! Combot! Combot! Combot! Combot!
Lee: Combot! You're short circuiting! YEY!
Jun: PART-AY!
Unknown: PART-AY!
Mokujin: PART-AY!
Tetsujin: PART-AY!
Everyone parties. Awooyey.
Wait-For-Sleep: So the last person to leave…is… True Ogre!
True Ogre: What! Why!
Wait-For-Sleep: Bob, roll the film.
True Ogre is sitting on one of them big fancy chair thangs that Kings and stuff sit their asses on. Or, for the non retards, a throne.
True Ogre:I shall kill all Angels and Devils! Nothing shalt stand in thou's way! I shall rule over all!
But then a ten year old Asuka appears out of nowhere on a Mighty Morphin Power Rangers skateboard.
Asuka: A-WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Asuka bangs into True Ogre. True Ogre sits on the ground and cries.
True Ogre: Damn Angels and Devils! They're always a-foiling me plans! Gah!
Asuka: What do you mean! I'm a Power Ranger, not a gay Angel! I'm the YELLOW ONE! AWOOOOOOO!
Clip ends.
Everyone looks at Asuka.
Marduk: What a cute little ten year old!
Jin: You're a…a….
Hwoarang: Power Ranger!
Asuka: Zordon told me never to tell you…Alpha 5 said I could, so I'm gonna listen to him, he's like so cool. GO GO POWER RANGERS! YOU MIGHTY MORHIN POWER RANGA-AHS!
Asuka rips off her outfit to reveal a yellow jump suit.
Everyone: Gasp! It's a Power Ranger!
Asuka: No! THE YELLOW MIGHTY MORPHIN POWER RANGER!
Julia: I loved that show! Five friends, with such different personalities, united together to save the world and the animals and the forests and the people and all the nice things! I love it!
Asuka: And no one loves you, Julia. And no one loves you.
Hwoarang: Hah hah hah!
Jin: (points at Julia) HAH!
Julia: Well… who would love you, Asuka! You…uhm… Power Ranger Imposter!
Everyone: Gasp. (They actually say that.)
Suddenly Julia is lying on the ground, with a blue bike lying on top of her. The Yellow Mighty Morhin Power Ranger is nowhere to be seen. Asuka, however, is standing in her normal outfit laughing like a loon on a loon tablet.
Asuka: Problem solved.
Everyone: CHEER! (They actually say that one too.)
RR: Ahem. So anyway, if we can get back to the tournament, True Ogre, bye-bye.
Wait-For-Sleep: Yeah. If a 10 year old can make ye cry, you're not much of a fag, are ya?
During the confusion, Asuka and Hwoarang left the building…followed by the Fag Outs.
Asuka: Hey! Fag Outs! Feeling pissed off about this?
Kuma: Rawr!
Jack 3: Yes indeedy.
True Ogre: Wah! Yeah! Wah!
Combot: Rawr! Yes indeedy! Wah! Yeah! Wah!
Hwoarang: Shokay then, join the Fag Haters Association!
Asuka: We hate fags! We are a group of people who are all against the fags in the tournament. Because did you know that being a fag is actually a bad thang?
Gun Jack: It is?
Hwoarang: Ch yeah! Why would ya wanna be a fag! Join us, cuz I'm the leader.
Asuka: What! No you aint!
Hwoarang: Yeah I am!
Asuka: You're NOT! I thought this whole thing up!
Hwoarang: Yeah, but like, you're a Kazama!
Asuka: (Eyes begin to water) How can you say such things! I'm not a Kazama! I'm a HUMAN BEAN!
Hwoarang: Sorry. And that's 'being'.
Asuka: Say it!
Hwoarang: Say what?
Asuka: Apologise!
Hwoarang: Gah…Asuka, you are not a Kazama, and I am sorry for saying you were…you are a Human Bean.
Asuka: (gets all perky and happy) Thank you! So anyway peoples, JOIN US!
True Ogre: Join forces with…her!
Hwoarang: Uhm yeah.
True Ogre: But she's an Angel!
Asuka: Heh? No I'm not! I'm a HUMAN BEAN! And the Yellow Mighty Morphin Power Ranger!
True Ogre: No, you're not! You're a Kazama!
All The Fag Outs Except From Combot: Gasp!
Combot: Gasp!
Hwoarang: You have to apologise for saying she's a Kazama…it sucks, doesn't it?
Asuka elbows Hwoarang in the nose. He gets a nose bleed.
Hwoarang: MOTHER! MOTHER! MY FACE! MY FACE!
Asuka: You don't have a mother, Hwoarang.
Hwoarang: Oh yeah… BAEK! BAEK! MY FACE! MY FACE!
The Jacks all group in a huddle and talk in hushed robotic voices. I wonder what they are saying. After 9 hours ( no, just kidding! 9 milliseconds, duh!) they all pull away and turn to face Hwoarang and Asuka.
Gun Jack: We have to decided to join forces with you.
P Jack: You are TERMINATED.
Jack 2: GET DOWN!
A big shoot out and car chase ensues. Well, it was meant to ensue, but nothing happened because they both short circuited.
Jack: Yes! Those bastards are dead! Trying to steal my thunder! That shall teach them.
Jack 5: You imbeciles. So anyway, we have decided to join forces with you.
Hwoarang: Success. So, Combot what do you say?
Combot: SAY SAY SAY SAY SAY SAY SAY! (Combot blows up.)
Everyone: YEY YEY YEY YEY YEY YEY w00t!
Asuka: Kuma?
Kuma: Rawr.
Hwoarang: True Ogre?
True Ogre: Are you suggesting that I form an alliance with an Angel?
Hwoarang: She's not an Angel! GET OVER IT! She's a Power Ranger and a HUMAN BEAN!
Asuka: (Looks touched.) You finally admitted it. THANK YOU!
Hwoarang: oO
Back in the building…
Wait-For-Sleep: So folks! Cast your votes! Don't make it a hoax! And Teddy bears can smoke!The remaining competitors (in alphabetical order!) are: Alex, Angel, Anna, Armour King, Azor, Baek, Bruce, Bryan, Christie, Devil, Eddy, Feng Wei, Gon, Heihachi, Jin, Jinpachi, Julia, Jun, Kazuya, King, Kunimitsu, Forrest Law, Marshal Law, Lee, Lei, Marduk, Michelle, Mokujin, Nina, Ogre, Panda, Raven, Roger, Roger Jr, Steve, Tetsujin, Tiger, Unknown, Wang and Yoshimitsu!
RR: And PLEASE vote this time or we will glare at you through the computer monitors like this ¬¬.
Wait-For-Sleep: Yeah, the only people who were kind enough to vote was Kapsule Corp and WhiteMagexBlackMage. So if yer gonna review, you might aswell vote! SO keep them coming xD BYE BYE!
(A/N: Wait-For-Sleep: We dedicate Ganryu's tutu to Kapsule Corp, cuz it was her idea in the first place! You want something dedicated to you, ya smelly hobos! Then VOTE! VOTE! VVVOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTEEEEEEEEE! BWAHAHAHAHA!)