To be hurt

"You know, um…what you said about mom…you never told me that before."

With practice ease he pushed the pain inside away and placed a grin in his voice.

" It's no big deal…Oh God, we're not gonna have to hug or anything, are we?"

To feel lost

"Hey, Dean, I'm sorry."

Sam apologizing was startling enough...but mixed in with the look of guilt in his eyes..."For what?"

The younger Winchester gave him a look that reminded Dean of when he was just a kid who needed his brother to tuck him in bed.

"Well, you know….I've really given you a lot of crap for always following' Dad's orders. But I know why you do it."

He bit his tongue not to say the words that sprung in on his lips.

No you don't.


To be left out in the dark

"You boys really screwed up this time."

His temper flared.

"Where is he?"

He heard the arrogance in the demons voice.

"You're never gonna see your father again."

Dean saw the same anger and concern in his brothers eyes.


To be kicked when you're down

"All right, come on. We don't have much time. As soon as the flare's out, they'll be back."

He knew what he had to do.

Let go.

"Wait, wait. Sam, wait. Dad, you can't come with us."

It was for the best.

"What? What are you talkin' about?"

It still surprises him how slow Sam is when it comes to hunting.

Naive.

He saw the understanding in his father's eyes.

It was dangerous.

" You boys—you're beat to hell."

New orders.

"We'll be all right."

I hope.

"Dean, we should stick together. We'll go after those demons—"

...Sammy let go...

"Sam! Listen to me! We almost got Dad killed in there. Don't you understand? They're not gonna stop, they're gonna try again. They're gonna use us to get to him. I mean, Meg was right. Dad's vulnerable when he's with us. He's—he's stronger without us around."

His brother's eyes went wide and wild in panic.

"Dad, no. "

He stopped him with his hand. "After everything after all the time we spent lookin' for you—please. I gotta be a part of this fight."

John sighted and the word naive jumped into Dean's brain.

" Sammy, this fight is just starting. And we are all gonna have a part to play. For now, you've got to trust me, son. Okay, you've gotta let me go."

Silence.

And finally Sam saw it.

The real situation.

Feeling 20 years older than he was Dean started moving"Come on."

Once they were in the Impala the only thing left for them to do was watch their father vanish from sight.


To feel like you've been pushed around

"You hurt my brother, I'll kill you, I swear. I'll kill you all. I will kill you all!"

It wasn't a warning, it was a promise.


To be on the edge of breaking down

He gave his brother a meaningful look.

"We're gonna kill this thing. I want it dead, you hear me?"


And no one's there to save you

"Listen….you mind just gettin' this over with, huh? 'Cause I really can't stand the monologuing."

The demon with the face of his father moved once again to him. Away from Sam.

" Funny. But that's all part of your M.O., isn't it? Mask all that nasty pain. Mask the truth."

Fuck you.

"Oh, yeah? What's that?"

"You know, you fight and you fight for this family, but the truth is….they don't need you. Not like you need them. Sam—he's clearly John's favorite. Even when they fight. It's more concern than he's ever shown you."

I know.

But he wasn't going to give the satisfaction of letting the demon know that.

Fuck no.

His protection mechanism switched on. The sarcasm and hate in his voice scared him" I bet you're real proud of your kids, too, huh? Oh, wait, I forgot. I wasted 'em."

If you live long enough in the darkness the darkness becomes you.

He ginned weakly. Not giving up the fight. He was stopped psychically but his mind was determined not to without a fight.

Nothing came back into his face, instead his father's body took a step back, and lowers his head. A moment later, he raised his eyes again. Pain, pure pain.

Reaper multiplied with 20.

"Dean! No!"

The scream didn't register in his brain, His or his brother's.

Blood, he felt, tasted blood.

"Dad! Dad, don't you let it kill me!"

A son pleading his father.

The last chance.

Blood came out his mouth, chocking him.

"Dean!"

Sam was screaming.

"Dad, please."

The pain become numb.

He knew what that meant.

He was about to die.

The bleeding stopped, John Winchester resurfaced for a moment but Dean didn't notice. To him the world went white and then black.