Disclaimer: All hail Jo Rowling for giving us Harry and his world.
Come What May
Chapter Eleven
Hermione woke up abruptly, panting heavily from another nightmare. All night long, her sleep had been plagued by unseen attackers, vicious whispers of her parents' deaths, and the sort of laughter that only comes from being sickly amused by something unpleasant.
She looked around and realized that she had somehow tangled herself in her bedclothes and was now situated in the far corner of her bed, farthest away from the door. Ginny had fallen asleep in the chair next to her bed, her flaming red hair falling across her face, which looked completely wiped out.
She looked around the rest of the room, noting that it looked the same as it always did. But she didn't feel the same. She never would. Lucius made sure of that. He took away the last bit of innocence she possessed. It was gone forever, no getting it back.
She untangled herself from her blankets and sat up. She was sore. Her head hurt from the smack Lucius landed on her last night, and her stomach hurt from being hurtled into the desk chair. And she was sore in just about every other place she had never thought possible to hurt. Her life was slowly falling apart around her, and it seemed like nobody was doing anything about it.
Hermione reached out a hand and placed it on Ginny's shoulder, gently shaking her awake.
"Ginny? Hey, Gin?"
A muffled sort of noise, then silence. She tried again. This time, there was a sharp intake of breath and the redhead sat up straight in the chair, looking wildly around.
"Hermione. How. . .how are you feeling?"
She shrugged, not looking at her friend. "I can honestly say I've been better."
Ginny looked unsure about whether or not to smile. "Did you sleep?"
"Some. In between nightmares."
"Do you need anything?"
Hermione looked around, trying to decide what it was that she needed. She needed her parents, she needed someone to love her again, she needed the security and the faith that she used to have that no matter what happened to her and her friends, eventually, the world would be okay again and nothing would hurt her anymore. . .
"I need a bath. And maybe something to eat."
Ginny gave her a smile that told her she was starting to feel she was okay again.
"All right. I'll go wake up the boys. You go take a bath. Take as long as you want. I'll get the bums to go get you some breakfast. It'll be here when you get out of there."
Ginny got up and started to leave the room.
"Ginny?"
Ginny turned. "Yeah?"
"Thanks."
Ginny smiled and nodded before heading out the door.
Hermione stood up and sighed. Without much conviction, she opened her wardrobe and pulled out some clothes. Her least appealing clothes: a large and baggy hoodie and a loose fitting pair of running pants. She pulled out some clean underthings and then barricaded herself in the bathroom.
'It's all gone now. There is nothing left. Nothing left of the old me. I am nonexistent,' she thought sadly as she stepped into the hot bath.
Downstairs, Ginny woke the three boys up from their doze. At first, Ron and Harry looked disoriented, but quickly awoke once they realized where they were.
"How is she?" Ron asked before Harry or Draco could even open their mouths.
"She's in need of a bath and food. She's in the bath now. I told her I'd send you louses to get her some food and it'd be here once she got out of the bath."
"But she's up and out of bed? She's talking and everything?" Harry asked stupidly.
"Of course she's talking, you moron! Why wouldn't she?" Ginny retorted.
"Did she want anything in particular for breakfast?" Draco asked.
Ginny shook her head. "I think it doesn't really matter to her. Unfortunately, I get the feeling that nothing matters to her anymore. She's lost herself, guys, and I don't think she knows who she is anymore. She needs to realize that she's needed around here. She feels essentially worthless right now, and she feels like there's nothing to live for anymore."
They all hung their heads in sadness. Harry shot Draco another one of those looks, the kind that seared through him and made him realize just how important it was for him to get Hermione to realize that he was her other half, and that she would feel so much better once she realized it as well.
"Lemme go change into some clean clothes before we go down for some breakfast," Draco muttered, shoving himself out of his armchair.
"So help me God, Draco, you step one foot or stick your head in that door of the bathroom to talk to her before she's ready, I will most certainly make sure your balls become my personal property!" Ginny called after him as he ascended the stairs.
He waved a hand in response and trudged upward.
He cast the door of the bathroom a sad look, knowing full well that inside was the broken shell of the girl he needed (and wanted) to make more complete. He now realized how much it would hurt if she wasn't around anymore. Sure, they had their disagreements (and he definitely loved to piss her off) and they could yell and say horrid things to each other a lot of the time, but essentially, somewhere along the line, they had forged an inexplicable bond between them, and he had a good feeling it was because of the tie between him and his father and the awful thing that he did to Hermione's parents. He knew it wasn't just something he was feeling, he could tell she felt the same thing as well, especially when she looked him straight in the eye. She never did that before.
How had he been given this second chance? After what happened last year, he was certain he was bound for Azkaban. But miraculously, somehow, someway, he had been given another chance to prove his loyalty and show the world what a decent person he could be. And once they realized he was decent, maybe they'd all be accepting. If Hermione could somehow find it in her heart to love him, after what he did last year, and what his father did to her parents and what he did to her last night, then he knew he was undoubtedly forgiven. And that was what he wanted the most.
Hermione mulled over what her life had become over the past few months. She had come home from school at the beginning of summer, her mind still reeling from the loss of Professor Dumbledore, and felt the earth rattle with change. But she had never imagined that this is where she would be almost five months later. With Dumbledore's death came the nightmares, each night, someone else lost their life in her dreams.
With a sickening jolt in her stomach, she realized she had dwelt on her parents' deaths for the couple of nights leading up to their deaths. Was that how it was going to be from now on? Was she going to see someone else die in her sleep, only to wake up to the reality of it all?
'This has to stop. I can't keep living like this. I'll go fucking crazy if this keeps up,' she thought wildly.
'Best end it now.' The Voice had awoken.
Hermione groaned. 'Please, not again.'
The Voice chuckled. 'Nice to hear from you too. Haven't you missed me?'
'Like hell I did.'
'I must say, old Lucius did a real number on you last night. How are you handling it?'
'If you were a reality, a living, breathing person, I'd have throttled you by now,' she thought darkly.
'Oooh, touchy, touchy. You know how you could solve this?'
'By ignoring you. Shut up.'
'No, silly! Draco still keeps his razor in here, you know.'
'Where the hell else would he keep it, you fucking moron?'
'Keep in mind that you are indeed calling me a fucking moron, which, in a sense, you are really calling yourself that. I'm merely the other, darker side of your conscience.'
'The fuck you are. I know all about you. You're merely an implantation of someone's sick idea of amusement in my head. Now, if you don't mind, would you please shut the bloody hell up so I can enjoy what little pleasure I'm getting from this bath?'
'Fine, I can see you're not in the deranged frame of mind to pay me any mind. But, be warned, I will be back. And when I do come back, it's going to suck to be you.'
"Like it doesn't already suck to be me," she said aloud with a sigh.
A few minutes later, she got up out of the now lukewarm water and dried herself off, the tranquility of the bath having worn off, thanks to that damn voice.
She dressed and gave her wand a quick wave to activate the charm that would dry her hair. She brushed her teeth and then reached up to wipe the condensation from the mirror. She peered into it, studying the damage Lucius had inflicted upon her.
There was a vivid bruise on her right cheek, surrounding the cut that had apparently been made by the ring Lucius was wearing on the hand he smacked her with. Her lip was split and puffy on the bottom, and she noticed with a jolt and a sickening whirl in her mind that she had several bruises along her neck, thanks to Lucius working himself over her last night.
"Don't think about it, just don't think about it. It's over, it's done. Get over it, thinking about it will only destroy you faster," she told herself sternly.
With another few waves of her wand, she concealed the bruises on her neck and attempted to do the one on her cheek, but the one on her cheek was either too deep rooted to conceal, or there was something else going on there that she didn't know about.
With another deep sigh, she retreated back into her room to straighten things around. Once she had made her bed and put things back in order, she decided she could no longer hide from the rest of the world, and fled her room to go downstairs to join the others.
Ginny was the only one down there once she had reached the bottom of the stairs. She looked up and smiled at Hermione and motioned for her to sit down with her on the couch in front of the fire, which was crackling merrily, despite the melancholy mood that seemed to fill the tower.
"How do you feel now?" Ginny asked once Hermione sat down.
She thought for a moment, staring into the fire. Then, she shrugged. "I don't know. I know I feel like I've been ripped apart. It seems like no matter what I try to do to maintain some semblance of normality, Lucius comes along and takes it away. And now he's taken away that last bit of normalcy that I had."
Ginny leaned over and pulled her into a hug. "Just remember that we're always here for you. Don't keep everything inside anymore, Herms, it's only going to make you hurt worse. We want you around for awhile, you know?"
"I know. But after everything that's happened, do you blame me for feeling this way?"
Ginny sat back and settled cross-legged on the couch, facing Hermione. "No, I don't. But you don't have to pretend either. And don't listen to anything my stupid ass brother says either. I found out what he said the other day about you having a bad day everyday. And don't worry, I made sure he got an earful. I think you're definitely entitled to a bad day every once in awhile. And hell, if you have a few of them in a row, that doesn't make you any less normal. It doesn't matter what they all think, it's how you think and feel that does. But, Herms?"
"Yeah?"
"Despite everything that's happened, do you think you could try to give Draco a chance?"
Hermione was startled. "What do you mean, give him a chance?"
Ginny grimaced. She really didn't want to bring this up, but someone had to do it. "He, erm, well, the thing is, with Draco, he doesn't think of you as that filthy little Mudblood anymore."
Hermione nodded slowly. "Yeah. . .and?"
Ginny's cheeks slowly became infused with color. "Oh, fine, I'll cut to the chase. Herms, he cares about you."
"He does."
"Yeah, a lot."
Hermione thought for a moment. She knew that much was apparent. She noticed he was no longer critical and harsh with her. He was nice, and on occasion, downright sweet. Hell, if finishing that Arithmancy essay that one time wasn't enough to prove it, she didn't know what would.
She felt a slight blush creep up into her face, making her bruise stand out even more.
Ginny noticed and smiled. "See? You've noticed too, haven't you?"
Hermione slowly shook her head. "I have. But it's just weird, Gin."
Ginny nodded. "I know it is. But you have to overlook it. He's not his father, Herms. Even I can tell. And I think the boys have noticed it too. They understand. Don't worry about them, we all know what's going on."
"I know he's not his father. Do you honestly think I'd settle for living with him this year if I knew he was?" Hermione asked with a wry grin.
Ginny sighed inwardly. She knew if Hermione could pull off a grin this early in the morning after everything that happened last night, then she'd be okay, at least for the moment. She only wondered how Hermione would take it when Draco explained the much deeper, more troublesome problem. . .
She didn't have to wonder long. Within minutes, the boys returned from the Great Hall. Draco carried a tray laden with food.
"Herms!" Ron cried when he caught sight of her. Then-
"Bloody hell! What the f-"
"Ron. Calm. It's a bruise, you've had worse playing Quidditch," Hermione cut him off.
Harry grinned at her. "How are you feeling?"
Hermione looked up at him with another wry grin. "If you all keep asking me that, I will be forced to hurt you, and that will obviously tell you that I'm not so fine anymore."
Draco's stomach twisted over when he saw her face. Her beautiful face, scarred by his father. . .
'Damn him,' he thought savagely.
"I hope you like toast and oranges, because once we got there, that's all that was left," he said now, holding out the tray to her.
"It doesn't matter, I wasn't very hungry anyways," she said softly, trying her very hardest to look him in the eye.
He gave her a small, reassuring smile, trying to tell her that everything was okay.
She gave him a quick smile and looked down at her tray.
Slightly disappointed, but not all entirely surprised, he sat down in the same armchair he slept in last night and tried hard not to look at her for too long. He would explain everything to her later.
Hermione picked at her breakfast while the others sat around her, occasionally speaking, but otherwise remaining quiet. She felt slightly self conscious about herself when they all took turns looking at her to make sure she was, indeed, all right. Her bruise and cut felt like they were ten times the size they really were when they all looked at her.
Once she had bolted down a pitiful amount of food so the others would be happy, Ginny stood up.
"Herms, I hate to leave you like this, but, most unfortunately, I have an ungodly amount of homework to plow through this weekend. I'll try to come by as soon as I get the chance. And I want to see you at dinner," she added sternly as Ron and Harry stood up to follow her to the door.
"Yes, ma'am," Hermione said jokingly, saluting her friend as she walked out the door.
She turned back around to face the fire, and Draco. There was a few minutes of what seemed like uncomfortable silence, but then Draco cleared his throat.
"Are you, um, done with your tray?"
She nodded and picked it up to hand it to him. He walked over the fire and grabbed some Floo powder out of the pot on the mantel. Throwing it in, he waited until the fire went emerald green before dropping the tray in it and calling out, "The kitchens!"
"Are you going to be all right for me to go take a quick shower?" he asked, turning to face her and running a hand through his hair.
"I'll be fine. You don't have to worry so much, you know," she said softly, once again steeling her nerve to look him in the eye.
He made to walk past her, but stopped short.
"I have to worry. Who else is there to take care of you?" he asked, laying a hand on her arm.
She flinched slightly, but made herself continue to look in his eyes. "I can manage on my own."
"I know you can," he said before walking up the stairs.
She felt her skin tingle from where his hand was on her arm. She wondered what it was about a touch that could leave her insides in such a turmoil.
Twenty minutes later, Draco emerged from the shower and came back downstairs. At first glance, it appeared Hermione was nowhere to be seen. But then he saw a movement in one of the shadowy corners by the bookcases, and found her.
She had gotten up and wandered over to the books in an attempt to keep her mind occupied and off 'the incident', as she now came to refer to it in her mind.
Draco sat down on the couch and watched her meander aimlessly, back and forth, in front of the bookcases for several minutes. But at long last, he couldn't stand it anymore.
"Hermione, what are you doing?"
"Looking."
"Looking for what?"
"I honestly don't know."
"You're pacing."
"I'm aware of that. I'm trying to stay busy."
"I've got a better idea. Can we talk?"
She froze. "Talk about what?"
"Hermione, come over here. Please?"
She hesitated for a second, but then turned around and walked over to where he was.
"Come here," he motioned for her to sit next to him on the couch.
Again, she hesitated, biting her lip. But then she just sat down.
"What did you want to talk about, Draco?"
"Hermione, turn around and face me. Please, look at me."
Without question, she turned to face him and sat cross-legged.
"Hermione," he started, but stopped.
She looked at him. He appeared to be thinking, trying to get his thoughts to go straight so that he could talk to her without upsetting her.
"Draco, I am okay. I assure you, I am," she said, trying to help him out a little bit.
He looked up at her, looking deep into her eyes. He saw the sadness, the pain, the loss, he saw it all. And he saw how she felt. She felt she was broken, un-fixable.
"Hermione, you don't have to hide things from me. I don't want you to."
This took her by surprise. "But I'm-"
"Hermione, I'm not my father."
Her eyes filled with tears, although she wasn't sure why. Perhaps it was the way Draco said what he just did. His eyes looked so sad, like he was trying so hard to get her to believe that he wasn't anything like his father, and the way his voice was filled with some unidentifiable emotion. But the emotion was there.
"I know you're not," she said quietly, willing the tears to stay in her eyes, where they belonged.
"I can see how you're afraid to look at me. You're afraid you'll see him looking back at you."
Her lips trembled slightly. "I'm s-"
"No! Don't apologize."
She flinched at the sudden rise in his voice and looked down at her hands, which were resting lifelessly in her lap.
His hand reached out and closed over both of hers. "Hermione."
She made herself look up. His eyes looked wet too, she was sure she wasn't imagining it.
"When I realized he was in there last night, I nearly went crazy. All I could think of was that he was in there, alone with you, and I knew he was going to hurt you. And it made me feel so useless, so completely powerless, that I couldn't do something about it myself to get you out of there and away from him. My heart hurt, Hermione."
The tears were ready to overflow. She gave a sniff and nodded slightly.
"I knew the only thing I could do was alert McGonagall. I tried everything, I really did. I tried to get through that door and to you."
"I know." Her voice was quivering.
His hand went to her bruised cheek. He gently touched it to her face. "When I saw you again this morning, it felt like my heart was going to rip right in half. When I saw what he did to you, when I saw the pain in your eyes, all I could think of was, maybe the best thing for you was for me to just get out of your life, that maybe you'd be so much better without me in it. Because it just seems like all I keep doing is aggravating everything, that I'm making everything ten times worse than what it is."
Her tears spilled over. Her mouth trembled worse than ever, but she looked up at him with pain and shock.
"N-n-no! You're not m-making it worse, you're not!"
"I'm just going to come right out with it then. Hermione, I care for you way too much for someone who's in my position. I can't, I'm not allowed, but I do. And I could not possibly bear it if something else happened to you."
She saw something there, in his eyes. He wasn't lying. He was telling the truth. And she felt it too. She knew he cared for her way more than he should.
"I know you do, Draco. I can feel it. I can see it when I look at you."
"I am promising you right now, I will never let another bad thing happen to you. So help me Merlin, if I ever let another thing happen, I couldn't stand it, I'd kill myself first than let something like that ever happen again."
"You've got your chance, if that's what you're trying to ask for."
He looked up at her. She was smiling softly through her tears. Without a word, he pulled her into a tight hug. He felt her tension, her pain, and he also felt it ease slightly with his arms around her. He smiled slightly, feeling that the first barrier had been crossed, and that he could help her ease some of her anguish.
"It would be very stupid for you to leave me now, you know," she whispered softly.
"Like I would even dream of it," he whispered into her hair.
After awhile, they broke apart and sat in silence, both of them feeling as though the giant elephant that was sitting on their chests had been miraculously removed. But the thing that Draco needed to talk about the most was still gnawing on him, and he didn't want to break the peace between them now, but she had to find out sooner or later, so he could help her cross that bridge quicker.
"Herms?"
She turned to face him again, her arm propped up on the back of the couch and her hand supporting her head. "Hm?"
"We need to talk about something else, too."
She frowned. His voice was serious, even more so than it was earlier. It scared her. "What is it, Draco?"
He looked slightly scared. "We may have gotten my father, but there's someone else."
Her heart skipped a beat. "Some-someone here? At Hogwarts?"
He nodded slowly, watching her face. "They were sent here to keep an eye on me. To make sure I followed through with the plan."
"P-plan?"
He sighed deeply, not knowing how she would take this. "My father and Voldemort decided since I failed at killing Dumbledore last year, I would have to be given a much greater task to accomplish."
"What?"
He looked right into her eyes. "My father planned this. He killed your parents so that I could finish it off by killing you too. But I swore to myself when I heard the plan, I would never follow through, and that maybe, I could lie to them without getting caught and say that I had done it when I really had no intention of doing it in the first place."
A hand went to her mouth, covering the horrified expression.
"But my father could tell what I was thinking. He told Voldemort, and Voldemort decided that since I couldn't be trusted, he'd get a spy into Hogwarts to make sure I got the job done."
Her mind was spinning. She knew exactly who it was, and everything that had happened so far suddenly came slamming into place like a truck.
"It's Nemesaris, isn't it?"
He nodded. "That's who told my father to come last night. He's an Animagus, so he could easily get in without being detected. You see, I pissed her off yesterday, and she's a damn good Legilimens, and she figured out that I never had any intention of killing you. She told my father, and dear old Dad decided to come up here and finish the job for me, and then get rid of me. He has no use for a disobedient son. We would have both died last night if I hadn't figured out what the fuck was going on."
She closed her eyes briefly. "Oh sweet mother of Merlin," she whispered.
He scooted closer. "Hey, come here."
He wrapped his arms around her, holding her close. "I've told McGonagall everything. She's going to make sure there's no way Nemesaris can get you. You just gotta be on your watch too. If she wants you to do something for her outside of class, go to McGonagall, or tell me and I'll go to her. We can't give her anymore opportunities to get to you than she already has. Okay?"
She nodded her head against his shoulder. "To be blunt, this blows."
He chuckled. "It does. But you've got me, and you've got Harry and Ron and Ginny too, you know? Don't bottle it up anymore, Hermione. Believe me, I can handle whatever's thrown at me. I've had to deal with a bipolar mother and a schizophrenic father for most of my life. I think I can listen to you too. I can help you deal."
She nodded again. "You could start helping me now."
He arched an eyebrow. "Oh really?"
"Yeah. Don't let me go. At least for awhile."
"I think I can do that."
They spent the rest of the afternoon on the couch, Draco holding her close, making her feel more secure and safe. Eventually, she fell asleep, feeling more safe and loved than she had in the past few months.