Series: It Must Be Tuesday
Title: First Rule
Rating: G/PG
Summary: Sam felt guilty for falling in love with River Tam.
Characters: Sam and River
Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine but the idea/plot is. lj user"lunarknightz" asked my permission to right a story based inside this universe under my intense guidance. If you wish to do the same, please e-mail me and perhaps we can work something out.
A/N: Mind you I'm feverish and just got done watching I Serenity /I four times in a row.

The italicised words is a bastardised version of Mal's speech at the end of Serenity .

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Sam felt guilty for falling in love with River Tam. Maybe that meant he really didn't love her that way at all. No matter which way he loved her, he still felt guilty. She was dark when Jessica was light. She saw into the truth of things when Jess saw the best in all. River didn't make him feel safe. Not the way Jessica felt safe.

Felt.

The past tense still made his heart ache.

River was like smoke. So wispy and filling every little space… if you tried to catch her, hold her down she'd just slip through your fingers. Jessica wasn't like that. She was soft and warm. Her hair smelled like strawberries and her skin like vanilla. River smelled like soap and just something distinctly River. River could rattle off quantum physics and Jessica could sing Goo Goo Dolls song you wanted to hear in that sweet, off-key voice of hers.

You know what the first rule of living is, Sam?

Sam felt guilty for falling in love with River Tam.

They hadn't — you know — yet. It didn't feel right to Sam. Not because of Jessica, but because…

Because River shouldn't be touched that way.

He could hold her while they slept. They never cuddled, he just threw his arm over her waist and her back pressed to his chest. She never aroused him. They never tried to kiss. They were just — there. Coexisting.

Sam felt guilty for falling in love with River Tam.

Maybe it was the psychic bond. River could see things and he would dream them. She helped him understand and Sam didn't feel so alone. Yes, he had Dean and no, nothing would ever come between their bond and what they had but it was a different alone. One that Dean couldn't fully understand and Dean felt guilty about it. He didn't need to read him to know that.

Jessica would've given a pep talk about not trying to come between them, smiling and looking guilty and it would be an honest admission and they'd make things work.

River said, "This is how it needs to be. But he needs his brother with him even if he can't comprehend."

And maybe that was better than trying to make things work.

It was the honest, real truth.

Love.

Sam felt guilty for falling in love with River Tam.

He couldn't sleep without her there anymore. That used to be only reserved for Dean and Jessica. Dean's slight snoring from the next bed. Jessica's soft breathing and soft sighs.

River was dead silent when she slept. She didn't move, barely breathed. As if she was waiting. When she did move, her movements were jerky and strange. Then she'd wake up crying out and inconsolable until they realized that danger was near.

Then he started doing that too.

Sam felt guilty for falling in love with River Tam.

River scared folk. Big brown eyes that could see into you, strip you bare and the scariest thing?

It was exactly what she was doing.

She was silent as a cat. Graceful and inconspicuous. Unnoticeable. A panther waiting to strike. Small, elegant hands that could kill you in a split second.

Truthfully.

Sam admired her for that. In a morbid way.

You can have all the schoolin' in the 'verse... but you tell a girl you don't love her... she'll shake you off just as sure as the turn of the worlds.

Sam felt guilty for falling in love with River Tam.

If River knew what he was thinking (and to be honest, she probably picked up on it long before he thought it), she said nothing to him about it. Said nothing for a long time. He figured out she knew when he woke up to her stroking his hair. He looked at her as she mouthed words. Whispered things he couldn't understand. She didn't look at him. She stared at a point on the wall behind him and her fingers continued to sift through his hair. Jessica used to stroke his hair.

It didn't feel too bad when River did it.

She looked genuinely startled when she looked down at him to see that he was awake and stumbled out of bed. She looked lost and frightened and left the room.

Sam didn't go after her.

Sam felt guilty for falling in love with River Tam.

River had vanished. Dean watched him, tried to say something but then closed his mouth. Unsure. Then said that he needed him to do something. No one told him where she had gone.

Sam searched high and low. She wasn't in the atrium or with Kaylee. Wasn't watching the children playing like she did. Wasn't dancing down the escalators.

Three days and then Sam gave up. Sat on the dancing fountain, his back getting sprayed occasionally from the water and stared sightlessly until a flash of a faded red dress and bare feet came into view.

She kneeled next to him. Didn't touch him and he didn't try touch her. River smiled slightly, trying to be comforting. "You make me a person. Make me feel like a girl again."

Love keeps you in the air when you ought to fall down... tells you she's hurting before she keens. Makes her a home.

Sam didn't feel so guilty for falling in love with River Tam.