Cognitive Dissonance

Chapter Twelve: Burden of Proof

It was like waking up and suddenly realizing that you were a stranger in somebody else's house. A stranger who wasn't supposed to be there, and before you could stop yourself, you'd already messed up their beds and eaten their food and walked all over their floors. She'd done that, a few times. Loads of people went on vacation and left ways for someone to get in. It was bad, but when you were so hungry you were starting to see black spots in front of your eyes, you didn't worry so much about being bad.

Besides, Terra was bad no matter what she did. She was starting to wonder if it would be easier just to accept it.

So Terra didn't get up from her cot, arms by her sides, trying not to move around too much because this bed did not feel like it belonged to her. The clock on the wall told her that it was late enough for even Beast Boy to probably be awake, but no one had come to take her out of the infirmary. She was really bored and kind of wanted to get up and look at all the things in here that she'd never gotten a close look at before—but the feeling that she was only borrowing the bed, the room, the whole Tower…that feeling kept her head glued to the pillow and her face fixed on the ceiling. Well, and it was true, wasn't it? Didn't Cyborg own the Tower, or something? Or maybe Robin, but Terra was pretty sure it was Cyborg. She wondered why he let Robin boss him around if it was really his house…

Cyborg didn't seem to want to do anything too bad to her. Even if she was bad and probably deserved it, he didn't. Maybe he could convince Robin. And maybe Robin could convince Raven, since they were going out. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Terra shuddered and pulled the covers over her head, carefully so she didn't mess up the bed any more than she already had, and she stayed still for as long as she possibly could, wondering how long it would take for her to suffocate under there.

But she didn't get to find out, because of a quiet knock at the door, followed by heavy footsteps.

Terra was still wearing her clothes from yesterday, and they must have been all wrinkled but she didn't even care. Cautiously, she peeked over the blanket and tried to find a half-hearted smile for Cyborg when he said, "Time to talk, okay, kiddo?"

She spent the walk to the living room staring at her Band-Aid, thinking about what was underneath—probably some blood, because of the needle—and how it was bad and it might hurt other people…and, even worse, hurt her. Kill her. She wondered if Cyborg had the results yet but couldn't make her mouth open wide enough to ask him. She also wondered if he'd told Beast Boy. He would probably have to be really careful now and he should not be touching that Band-Aid, he just shouldn't; and oh god she had to be careful when she took it off that she didn't forget not to just throw it in the trash can, because even if it was just a little bit and it was dried, it might still be bad…

Starfire's thin smile pulled her eyes away from her arm, and Terra had to think about it for a few seconds before she realized that the wave was meant for her. Red hair tumbled over her shoulders as she leaned forward and patted the couch next to her, indicating that Terra should sit there. Terra obeyed, keeping all of her attention on Starfire's face and none of it on the girl in the black leotard behind her, the one who was definitely glaring at everyone else in the room.

On the floor, Beast Boy sent her a look that was probably supposed to be encouraging, and it would have been, if he hadn't looked so much like he was going to cry.

"Terra, we've made our decision about your status here," said Robin, who was standing in the center of the room looking completely alert, of course. He'd probably been up for hours, doing more work than Terra did in a week.

She held her breath and waited, jumping when Starfire's hand found hers but finding it a comfort that she hadn't even realized she'd wanted.

"You can stay," he began, and he said other things, too, but Terra didn't hear anything else, just those wonderful words over and over in her head as she squeezed Starfire's hand, hard.

"Does that sound realistic to you, Terra?" Starfire asked, nudging her as if she knew that Terra hadn't been listening.

"Umm…I…I'm sorry, but you lost me at 'you can stay'."

She heard a loud sigh from the back of the room. "Not only loyal, but intelligent, too!"

Starfire had dropped Terra's hand in an instant, twisting around to look at Raven, expression solid and steadfast. "There is no need for—"

"I said this was a discussion, remember?"

Like a balloon deflated, Starfire stopped speaking, the protective anger still there but no longer uncontrollable as she melted back into her seat and nodded an apology in Robin's direction. Beast Boy seemed to be just about to stand up but he stayed where he was, with a deferential look at Robin. There was something...different about Robin's voice, infused with something Terra had never heard before. She'd always known he was the leader but he'd never acted…well, quite like this. He didn't even raise his voice. But somehow, they listened anyway.

Robin turned his attention to Terra, and she had to fight a particularly strong urge to look at the floor. "I said that you can stay, but there will be precautions taken. Ones that you might not like, and I'm sorry but that's the way it has to be."

Great. Rules. "What do you mean?"

"You're to be with one of us at all times," he said. "You'll continue to fight with us, if you want to, and we'll still consider you part of the team. But we can't leave you alone."

"But…you can't, like, sleep in my room!" If having a room was even part of the deal. For all she knew, they could be planning to keep her in a cage at night. She was starting to feel cold, and not even Starfire's hand was helping.

It made things only a tiny bit better when Cyborg took over the explanation. "No, nothing like that but… I'm sorry, Terra, but we need to make sure you're…safe, in your room at night, I mean."

"How are you going to do that?"

"Well…" Cyborg sighed heavily. "You know how we had things last night? That's the way it's going to have to be, for a little while."

At first, she thought they meant she would have to sleep in the infirmary, and then she realized. "You're locking me in my room?" She scooted back into the couch cushions, trying to peel Starfire's hand away from hers but Terra didn't exactly have super strength.

Reluctantly, Robin nodded, as if this he wanted to make sure that everybody knew it was his fault, not Cyborg's (except it was really Terra's fault).

Well, that made sense, she had to admit. Did she really expect that they wouldn't keep the criminal locked up? That's what you did with criminals, after all. She should be counting herself lucky that they didn't really want to keep her in a cage. That they didn't want to send her to jail.

But…was she any better than the people they sent to jail? Was this any better than a prison?

Terra tried to push her hair behind her ear but it just wouldn't stay back.

Starfire was waiting for her outside the door when Robin finally said that Terra could go. Terra smiled gratefully, trying to put as much distance between herself and the workroom as possible. He'd told her that she had to come talk to him, but Terra normally thought of talking as something that didn't consist of her sitting across from Robin for hours watching him type on his computer while he asked her humiliating questions. "Talking" to Robin had been exhausting, more so than every other time they'd had something like a conversation. She'd mostly kept her eyes on his keyboard, finding it difficult to look at his face, for some reason—even though he was wearing the mask, it felt like he could see her insides. There had been questions about everything Terra could have possibly imagined, and several questions about things she couldn't have imagined, too; things that couldn't possibly have mattered. She had tried her best to remember, but Terra wasn't exactly able to recall word for word every conversation she'd had with Slade and, well, that was basically what he had asked her to do.

He had acted weird at a few points. Like when Terra remembered the time that Slade had given her that disk and wouldn't say what it was for: Robin kind of looked like he had choked on something, and it bothered her, so she asked what had happened to the disk. He immediately asked her a question about the layout of Slade's headquarters and refused to say anything else. And when Terra was admitting everything she'd said about the Titans, from the fact that Beast Boy liked to watch cartoons for at least an hour in the mornings before he was properly awake to Robin going out with Raven. Robin immediately said that they weren't. Terra thought he'd said it a little too fast.

Starfire fell into step beside her, not saying anything at first, but Starfire wasn't somebody who liked long silences, so it didn't take long. "Friend, perhaps you would enjoy a movie with me?"

Halfway into the act of accepting with relief, Terra suddenly realized that this was probably just the beginning of the Rules. Realized the coincidence of Starfire just happening to be right outside Robin's workroom right after he was finished with her. "You just have to follow me around 'cos Robin said, don't you?" she asked, looking at her shoes.

Her eyes reflected genuine confusion, and then she shook her head. "It is true that we have all been asked to keep watch over you for your safety, but that was not the reason for my invitation, no. Truthfully, I thought it might be enjoyable to spend the evening with you."

"You couldn't want to hang out with me," said Terra. "Not after…all that."

"But I do wish to do the hanging out!" Her expression softened and she reached out to touch Terra's shoulder, almost sadly. "Yesterday, you considered me a good friend. I hope this has not changed simply because of these regrettable circumstances."

That wasn't it, that wasn't it at all, and no matter how gross Terra was, she couldn't let Starfire think that, so she had to bob her head up and down and say that she would love to watch a movie. Starfire filled the hall with chatter about the various options they had and which ones would be "most appealing," and Terra was so glad that at least she could count on somebody to know what to say all the time. That was one of her favorite things about Starfire. She always knew what to say. The one thing that would keep everyone…balanced. Cyborg kind of did, too, but he didn't like girl movies.

They were in Starfire's room, because Terra didn't want to be in the living room where Raven could just walk in any time—and she was kind of afraid to confront Beast Boy, since they hadn't really talked alone since…since the restaurant and the girls' bathroom and McKenzie and everything…so it would be better to stay out of everyone's way.

It was a pretty good movie; Terra liked the talking dragon, though she felt sorry for the girl because she had to wear disgusting clothes and cut her hair and even after all that, nobody was even nice to her or anything. But just when the army finally started to like Mulan, Starfire decided to ask a question.

"Terra?" She poked her in the elbow, looking over at her from the other side of her bed. "I…I do not understand, though I am trying to."

"Huh? Understand what? The movie?" But Terra knew exactly what Starfire didn't understand, and it had nothing to do with girls dressing up like boys and shooting arrows.

Starfire trailed her finger along the seam of her bedspread. "No, not that. Your…unfortunate situation with Slade. I…well…" She turned her gaze back to the movie, though Terra could see the way her eyes were out of focus and distracted. Finally, the words came out with a soft, slight hesitation. "Did Slade force you?"

Terra felt her mouth get dry as she turned the question over and over in her head, trying to think of an answer that wouldn't make her sound awful—and wasn't a lie, because Terra was done with lying, she was. But—the truth was—he didn't force her. No matter how bad it had been, he didn't. He'd asked her to take her clothes off, and she should have said no if she didn't want to, but she did it, oh god, why did she do it just because he asked… It might have been easy at the time, but it wasn't easy now. She shivered and shrank away from Starfire, balancing on the edge of the bed with one leg hanging over the side.

And then Terra knew the truth: that there was nothing she could say that wouldn't make her sound awful. But what was worse, what she realized when she looked at Starfire, who'd now made eye contact and was biting her lip—Starfire knew that. She'd wanted Terra to really admit how awful she was; this was just like the huge talk with Robin…the whole point was to get Terra to confess every tiny bad thing she'd ever done in her life, which was just mean and it wouldn't help her be less bad, so why did she have to do it?

Terra half-crawled, half-fell off the bed, somehow managing to keep her footing as she turned and shook her head at Starfire, eyes blurry and throat constricted. "Okay, I get it! I get that I'm bad; you don't have to keep saying it over and over like that!"

Starfire started to say something but the automatic door had finally slid open (it couldn't have been fast enough) and Terra was running down the hallway before she even thought about the Rules.

And once she did think about them, she didn't care that she was breaking them.

She was bad. She was a bad girl. Everybody knew.

The sink felt cold under her palms as she leaned against it, hair falling over her face so she wouldn't have to look in the mirror. She listened to herself breathe in and out, trying to imagine that she was breathing away all the badness, except it didn't work because nothing would work. Maybe some water on her face would make her feel better. Terra was halfway into the act of turning on the faucet when someone grabbed her wrist and stopped her.

"You're not supposed to be, y'know, alone. So I thought I'd make sure you were…okay. Y'know." Beast Boy blushed and turned away, dropping her hand just a little too eagerly.

"Make sure I was okay, or make sure I wasn't stealing your stuff to give to Slade?"

He took a step away from her, putting some distance between them as he leaned against the frame, keeping the door from closing. Somehow, it seemed to be annoyed. "No, no, it wasn't anything like that…"

She pulled at her hair. "Yes it was."

"I…look, Terra, you kind of did, okay? I know you don't like this, and I'm sorry, but it's not like we don't have any reason to think you might…do something."

"I wouldn't though. Do something, I mean." She'd already admitted it; she'd admitted everything. Why couldn't that just be enough? First Robin, then Starfire, and now Beast Boy. She wiped at her eyes, skin raw from too much crying. "I know I'm bad, and I know I did bad stuff, but there's only so many different ways I can say it, you know!"

Beast Boy swallowed. "Jeez, Terra, is that what you think I wanted to talk about? Is that why you think I'm here? First of all, I followed you 'cos of what Robin said about you not being allowed to be alone. And second of all, what I was gonna say was that this doesn't change...us. Y'know. I mean—I still want to—be—it doesn't change us."

For a long moment, Terra couldn't find her voice, shock hitting her like a slap as she realized what he was talking about. Somehow, she'd never considered that this would…this would make things different, would make him want to—she'd never considered it, and she immediately thought herself an idiot for not considering it. Because what she did—it had been like cheating, hadn't it?

"I never meant for—didn't want—oh my god, Beast Boy, I'm so sorry…" She choked on whatever words were supposed to come out next, halfway into the act of reaching out to him, but at his hesitant expression she settled on burying her face in her hands, feeling them shake.

He let her stand there and cry for awhile, which was mean but Terra couldn't really blame him. Finally, his hand touched hers, gently pulling her palms away from her face, and when she looked up he was standing right next to her, so close that their toes were practically touching.

"You really hurt me, you know," he said, and she just nodded because she knew it was true. Beast Boy sighed. "I don't get why. I don't think I'll ever get why. And if you decide that you wanna tell me, I'm listening."

But when Terra tried to think about why, all she could come up with was that night, with the message about taking a shower, and the elevator that went down and down forever, and the way Slade's calloused hands had gripped her wrists so tightly they left red marks the next morning, and the point when she realized how big he was and oh god he was an adult and he was on top of her and that was so wrong, and how she'd closed her eyes because she didn't want to see, because maybe if she couldn't see she'd be able to stop feeling…Terra didn't know why. "I can't," she whispered, pushing the sickness and shame back into her belly where it belonged.

He nodded solemnly. Or as solemnly as Beast Boy did anything. "Okay. I guess I'll just—be over here, not getting it, if you need me." He squeezed her fingertips briefly and then let them go, and his hands were small and soft and uncertain and not at all like Slade's. They weren't like Slade's, but when he backed away again that didn't make it better.

"Can I at least wash my face by myself?"

"Umm, I guess," said Beast Boy. He took a few more backwards steps until he was just outside the threshold to the door, hand in the doorway to keep it from closing.

"Beast Boy, later can we maybe—"

"I think Cyborg had some stuff he wanted to talk to you about. And I'm sure you probably don't exactly want me around right now. So I think when you're done with your face, I should just…take you to see him. Okay?"

Terra wanted to be around Beast Boy and he knew it, and that wasn't the point of getting her to talk to Cyborg. He wanted her to go away, because she'd failed the test, hadn't been able to say why—she hadn't been able to answer Starfire's question, either, and now they were punishing her for it. But there was nothing she could do. She'd just have to go talk to Cyborg about scary things like blood and diseases. And what if he made her get another shot… Shivering, she pasted a smile over the rapid breathing and cold feeling in her stomach, told Beast Boy that she'd be right out, and watched as the door closed between them with an awful sound that she suspected could be heard for miles.

The water felt prickly on her skin, mixed with the salt from her tears, and it was supposed to be purifying but it wasn't, and it wasn't nearly as cold as she'd wanted.

Thank y'all so much for being understanding as I struggle through summer classes! I'm trying to work on these stories as much as I can, and I will try to have the next chapter out ASAP. Next update will be BL only due to timeline differences, then we'll get back to CD. Comments are appreciated and loved! Take care!