Disclaimer: Only the story is mine – "Picture" belongs to Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow, and of course Buffy and the gang belong to Joss and the WB.

Rating: PG-13, I suppose, for a little bad language and a much more adult themes, and a whole lot of angst.

Dedication: To the reviewers - it wouldn't be worth it without you!

Author's Note: Chapter 3. All of this is strictly A/U, of course, as Better Angels was A/U to begin with.

Livin' my life in a slow hell
Different girl every night at the hotel

I laid there in bed, looking at her naked back. Her perfect back, her long blonde hair, all of her. "Buffy?" I asked.

"Yes, Xander?"

"Tell me you love me. Tell me you'll never go away."

"I love you, Xander. And I promise I'll never ever go away. But now, your hour's up. So unless you want to pay me extra, we're done here."

"Alright, money's on the counter. And don't forget-"

"Yeah, yeah, keep my back to you. I'm with you, it's not like this is the first time. I gotta tell you kid, this is the easiest money I've ever made. 100 an hour just to lie next to you and pretend I'm some 17 year-old girl named Buffy. There're other things I can do for you that would make you a lot happier."

"No. You only look like her when…never mind. Just go, I'll see you next week."

I rolled away, closing my eyes tight and hating myself, just like I did every time. I listened as she dressed, collected her money and left, closing the door behind her. Finally I got up and got dressed. I looked into the mirror above the bed, and studied my reflection.

This is what I've come to. I missed her so much, I was paying a woman to lay next to me and pretend to be her. God help me, I loved her more than life itself. And she never loved me back. Never. What happened to us? To all of us? When she died, the world fell apart at the seams. I kept up a brave face for Willow and Giles and Joyce, all my usual jokes and clowning, but I died inside. We spent those first few weeks looking desperately for Angel, but he obviously didn't want to be found. When we came into that hospital room and he was there, I could have killed him. Cheerfully. But now I just want to find him – I need to know. I need to know if Buffy said anything at all before she went. It haunts me, and I need to know. Joyce said that Buffy had a diary with her in the hospital, but she never found it. Does Angel have it? What does it say? I need to know.

I haven't seen Willow in weeks. After we finally gave up the search for Angel, she went to see Giles. He won't tell me what they talked about, but after that she disappeared. No matter how much I beg, badger or threaten Giles, all he'll say is that Willow will be found when she wants to be found. Damn that stupid British pride of his, that pathetic code of honor he bears like a cross – he knows, but it would be violating a trust for him to tell me. She's my best friend – I need to know.

Is Buffy in a better place? That's what everyone keeps telling me. I don't know. Is she in a place where she's finally at peace? Where all the anger, evil, sorrow and suffering of this world have finally let her rest? Or is it all a lie? Has she just winked out like a light bulb, gone forever? I need to know.

Why didn't we see the signs? How could something as deadly as what she had just sneak up on us? We were her friends. It was our job – no, our duty – to take care of her. And we failed. How could we do that? How could we be so blind? Dammit, Willow, where are you? I need – I need to know.

I don't know how long I stood there, lost in thought. When I looked up again, I saw my reflection. Disgusted with myself, I drew back and let fly, smashing the mirror with my right hand. Of course, I wasn't Buffy, so I broke my hand, and it started to bleed. For the longest time I just stood there, watching the blood drip onto the cheap, cigarette-stained carpet the motel had in every room. As I watched the red roses bloom on the carpet, I finally gave up. There was only one way to get the answers I needed, and it was a one-way trip. I was halfway to the bathroom to draw a bath when there was a knock at the door.

"Look, I paid you already!" I shouted, "just take a hike! I'll see you next week!"

The knock came again, more insistently. I went to the door, and looked through the peephole, only to see something I couldn't believe. I opened the door, and Willow basically fell into my arms.

"Willow? What's wrong?"

She looked at me with glazed eyes – it was only then I noticed the blood on her clothes. "Xander. I found you. You have to hurry."

"Hurry? Willow, what-"

"HURRY! It's here! In Sunnydale! It knows the new slayer's in town, and it's coming for her! You've got to warn Buffy's sister!"

Author's Note the Fourth: Sorry for the cliffhanger yet again. There'll be one more chapter of this one, and then everything will be tied up in the sequel. And as random as these chapters seem, I swear I do have a plan - it'll all become clear later on.