Thanks to everyone that reviewed! My last post was really more of an intro than a chapter that's why it was so short. I promise the other chapters will get longer as this whole thing gets all put together!
I rearranged the books for what seemed like the thousandth time. I needed to do something with myself. Edward and his family would return from "vacationing" in Canada in two days and the four days they've been gone has been nothing but torture and endless boredom. I sighed and shoved the last book into place on the shelf. With Edward gone I had become slightly obsessive. Since he left I had arranged my collection alphabetically by author, then by title, as well as fattest to thinnest and by height. Today they were categorized by color. It was no small task but it kept my mind busy. I had to laugh at myself. Edward had once said that it felt like he always left half of himself with me when he went away. I felt the same but I wondered why he had chosen to take my sane half and leave me alone with my sheer insanity. After lunch I decided to give the books a rest. I hadn't realized earlier how tired I was.
Bad idea. I woke three hours later, my face wet with tears. The books could've handled another round. I was plagued with the same nightmare every time Edward left. I had hoped it would take a break during the day, but no such luck. In my dream he came to me with another girl, a vampire more beautiful than Rosalie and tried to explain to me what had happened. To him I was a brief fascination, a passing novelty. He needed something more. All my deepest fears and insecurities managed to surface in this one nightmare. Why did Edward love me? He was perfect, he was beautiful and talented; a god incarnate. He was more than enough and far too good for me. I was the one lacking.
I started shaking when I realized what I had just done. For months now, whenever I had this dream I had shoved it down and tried my best to forget about it. I had now undone all my effort by absentmindedly acknowledging what I most feared. A lot of people would probably consider opening up about how I was feeling to be a good thing, in my case however it was just a quirk, and a dangerous one. Waves of emotion struck and I began to sob. I wept with sorrow because I could never be good enough for an angel like Edward, but the most powerful feeling was also the one I most dreaded. Hatred. Hatred and anger at myself, for falling so short of where I should be, for not being good enough, and for not being strong enough to stop what I knew came next.
I stumbled into my bathroom, my vision blurry from crying and stared at myself in the mirror. My eyes were puffy and red, my face flushed and my nose was running. I was on the edge of hysteria and talking to my reflection.
"How could he love this?" I cried, pointing to my face.
"Is this a game, pretending to love me? Is this just something to do for entertainment?" But I knew Edward loved me, deep down I knew he did, but why? He proved his love constantly, in his concern for how I felt, always making sure I was "fed", the gentleness he displayed around m, even his incessant teasing about my clumsiness resounded with hi feelings for me. But this dream, hi stupid, stupid dream made me question the unquestionable. Even after this realization, the cause of my despair still echoed in my head. You're not good enough; you can't possibly be what he deserves.
"Shut up!" I was yelling at the mirror again, but I knew it wouldn't help. I knew from experience there was only one outlet for the immense self loathing I was feeling, only one way to make it stop.