Hey I'm going to try to keep updating pretty regularly but I'm running into a parent problem, so bear with me. My mom is very conservative and would def. not allow me to read Twilight (it is well hidden) and she doesn't like me writing. I'll be here as long as I can though! Anyways, I know this isn't a blog site so here's chapter four. Enjoy!
I was almost too stunned to respond to Alice. I pulled up my sleeve, exposing my right arm. It was childish but I was desperate to avoid showing my friend what I was so ashamed of. "Other arm, Bella" Her voice was gentle but I knew that there was no avoiding this. I eased my left sleeve up to my elbow, wincing as the cloth rubbed over the bandages.
We pulled into a small deserted picnic area. Alice gently removed the bandages. "Oh, Bella" she breathed. I glanced quickly at her eyes. They were still honey colored and I was glad they had just been hunting. I was unable to read her expression as she exposed the three angry red slashes. It was several moments before she spoke, when she did, her voice as shaking. "Why? What made you do this?" I considered lying but Alice was as close as a sister to me. She would have to find out sometime anyway.
"I, I just don't know" I stuttered, "Well I do but...I'm scared." I looked up from my hands to Alice. "Start from the beginning" she suggested.
"It started back in Phoenix I guess. I've never really fit in with anyone. I was the pariah at my high school there. All the 'popular' kids hated me...I never gave them any reason to though. I hated myself; I was convinced there was something wrong with me. That's when I started" I nodded toward my arm. I couldn't bring myself to say it. "Cutting yourself?" Alice supplied. She was trying to help me out but there was no way she could understand how much I hated that phrase. It takes away who I am and what I've been through and classifies it into a behavioral problem. Calling myself a cutter makes me feel as though I have no choice other than to keep on hurting myself. "Alice," I choked and the tears I had been trying so hard to hold back fell freely. "Alice, I hate it." I whispered. "I hate how I feel when I do it but it is so much easier to see the hurt on the outside instead of feeling it eat me alive. It's easier to deal with that way." Talking to her was getting easier and more comfortable as I went along; it was almost a relief to have someone to listen to me rant.
"Edward said once that my number was up when he met me." I looked Alice in the eye. "It was up long before that. A couple months before I came to Forks I had tried to kill myself. I hated who I was so much I felt like I just could not take any more. It didn't work but I'm glad about that now. The pills only made me pass out and I was sick to my stomach for a couple of days. I had been planning to come to Forks after Mom married Phil. I always feel like a fifth wheel when he's around. And I wanted to stop hurting myself. In Forks it would be like starting fresh. I had hoped it would be different, but it wasn't really. It was a little better, people actually noticed me at school. I was so mad at Edward for a while though, for not letting Tyler's van just crush me. I had kept the pills from Phoenix, just in case, but the night after the Port Angeles incident I threw them away."
I wondered how Alice was taking all this. She had her arm around me and was stroking me hair. "I don't think you're a freak." She told me, sensing my unasked question. Encouraged somewhat, I continued. "Nobody has ever cared for me like he does. I don't understand! I'm not in the least bit coordinated, or pretty, and I'm not very smart. He's perfect! I don't deserve that." Alice interrupted me for the first time. She lifted my chin, her eyes flashing. "You are a klutz Bella Swan, but that's it. I know Edward has told you this and I will too. You do not see yourself clearly! You are intelligent and you are beautiful. I know you have seen Edward's eyes darken occasionally when you walk into the cafeteria. That's because he has to listen to every male that sees you come in. He seems to have something against Mike in particular but that's not the point." She waved her hand dismissively. "And you didn't notice, but Emmett got a pretty good lecture from Edward at the prom." She grinned as my face flushed. Emmett had Rosalie, could I ever rival that? "Really?" my voice came out as a squeak. She giggled musically. "It was hilarious; I'm just happy Rosalie was over fixing her hair and didn't hear it." I was feeling better but I still had a question.
"I have this dream whenever Edward is gone though, it scares me." I told her about the beautiful vampire. "I don't want that to happen. I guess it's pitiful that I'm so dependent; if he loves me so much why won't he change me?" The tears that had stopped during Alice's speech began again. Alice wrapped her slender arms around me. "Has he ever given you reason to doubt him? I thought for a moment. "He said he would leave...to protect me." Alice chuckled softly "He could never do that. He's selfish when it comes to you, Bella. Before he started staying the night at your house he would talk about you to me for hours. And this last hunting trip," she rolled her eyes "I almost strangled him; he would not shut up!" It was my turn to laugh as I remembered his earlier remarks at my house. "He told me about that. And I know he loves me, I really believe that, it just seems too good to be true. I keep thinking that something has to go wrong if only because everything else has been so perfect." Alice gave me one last hug. "I still see him changing you. Just because he hasn't yet and says he won't doesn't mean anything. He wants to be with you as much, if not more, than you want to be with him. I love you, Bella. Are you okay for now?" I nodded. I really was; I felt lighter than I had in a while. Maybe the solution to my problem was not trying to shove down and ignore things but actually talk them over with someone who was actually sane and rational. We drove for a while in silence before a thought interrupted my musings.
"Hey Alice, you aren't going to tell Edward about this are you?"
HOLY CRAP! that was a hard chapter to write! Sorry if it's confusing!