A/N: sorry about the wait!

EPOV

I left as her whimpers quieted and she grew still. I could not bear to see her as a vampire, not now, not yet. Neither of us had been ready for this to happen. I was just beginning to accept the fact that I would eventually need to change her when she...I gripped the steering wheel harder, leaving the imprints of my hands in the leather. She had hurt herself intentionally. I had heard of people doing this, but Bella? She had always seemed so happy, so warm and open. Alice had told me the full story but I just couldn't believe it. I wished for the millionth time that she were still human-that I could go back in time and prevent this whole incident. I wanted my last memory of her humanity to be her amusing clumsiness, alluring scent, and the beautiful blush that always rose with the littlest provocation. Instead I was stuck with the image of her bloody arm, the sputtering sound of her heart as it slowed, and the way her eyes had begun to roll back just before Alice bit her. I didn't want that memory for all eternity; I didn't want to see those images whenever I looked at her. I decided that she needed someone who was able to love her for what she was now. Someone who didn't know how she had become that way and who had no regrets about how it had happened. So I ran. Just like the first time I met her in biology.

I knew it was cruel of me to leave her to waken alone. I missed her even now; I had told her that I always left a part of myself when I left her. I felt the same hole in my chest, even when leaving during these circumstances. Alice would take care of her. Alice. I had been angry at her for changing Bella even though I knew she saved her life. My anger really stemmed more from my self loathing for not being able to do the deed myself. I was supposed to protect Bella and I had failed her. I loved her more than I did myself but I had been unable to give her the thing she needed most. I knew where I had gone wrong. My words still haunted me. "I would watch you die before condemning you to an eternal hell." I knew I could never do such a thing, but Bella didn't. I had said the thing that hurt her so bad that the hurt had spilled over from the inside, manifesting itself outwardly.

My eyes flickered to the road as I passed the North Dakota state line. I had no idea where I was going – I just needed to drive. The speed and sound of the tired on asphalt had not been able to distract my thoughts as I had hoped. I should have known this would happen. I should have known that I, being the monster I am, would have eventually hurt her somehow. She was far too good for me.

I allowed myself a wry smile at that last thought. Wasn't that what Alice had said Bella feared about herself? Of course it was impossible. Even with her imperfections Bella was loving, genuine, warm, and honest, painfully honest. The incident with Tyler's van immediately popped into my head. She had demanded an explanation of how I had saved her, not so she would be able to tell others, but because she didn't like to lie. She hated dishonesty and hypocrisy.

In that instant, I understood.

It was because she hated lying that she hurt herself. It was easier to give the pain a physical outlet that to confess how hurt she was emotionally. She was always brave, putting on a strong front even when she was scared to death. In the video with James she had managed somehow to stand still until the last minute – something no other human would have been able to do when they knew what they were up against. Alice had told me about Bella's classmates in Phoenix and how she was treated, and how her mother had blown off her feelings as a "phase." It was no wonder she never confided to anyone until Alice. Her mother had been her closest friend. Cutting herself was her way of making up for her lies. I could see it so clearly now. Every time she said "I'm fine" it would mean another scar; the wider the smile the deeper the cut. It was so much easier to dull the pain on the inside when it was released outwardly. This had been going on in Phoenix, long before I had known her; it was not my fault. I could make it worse but I could also make it so much better. I did a quick thought check for cops before slamming the brakes. The Volvo did a one-eighty and went two hundred the whole way back to Forks.

BPOV

"It all happened so fast. Your heart was slowing quickly and you had already lost so much blood, I just reacted." Alice spoke quickly, "I'm sure Edward would have changed you, Bella. It's my fault really; I didn't give him the chance..."

Alice's words faded as I ran. Of course that's why he left. He wanted me to be changed and he thought it would be fun to leave me after it happened. He wasn't lying when he had told me he would watch me die before changing me. He would have too, if Alice had not been there and acted so quickly. I knew I had bugged him a lot about changing me, but I had no idea he was so opposed to the whole idea.

I wanted to change what had happened. I was glad I was a vampire but it wasn't supposed to have happened this way! I had always thought that Edward and I would come to an agreement and that he would see why I needed to be like him. It was supposed to have been Edward that changed me - not Alice! I knew I had messed up badly. Why didn't I control myself! Could I really have been so stupid to overreact that way? I remembered our last conversation well. His words had hurt, but they were not worth the price I now had to pay. I loved my new life, but, if it was possible, I would have gone back to being a human to resolve what I had done. Oh, where was he?

I slowed as I approached my house. I knew it was mine only because Carlisle and Alice had been telling me about my past for the past twenty-four hours. My own memories were very hazy and general. The pain was the sharpest recollection of my human life. I knew that Charlie was my father, he was a cop, and he liked to fish. That was all. Alice had tried to fill me in as best she could on the times I had spent with Charlie and important details. With the help of the others my I was remembering more of my past as well as the details about it. My recollections of Edward and his family were crystal clear. Carlisle had supposed it was because I was so strongly connected to them all emotionally, and somewhat physically and mentally as well. He was right. I knew something was wrong, something was missing. I felt different and it was not due to my new vampire strengths or needs. I missed Edward. My chest felt hollow and Esme had remarked this morning that my eyes seemed hollow.

I switched the computer on in my room. I had no idea where the key was, so I was forced to climb through the window like Edward had so many times before. I wandered around the house while the computer booted up. Looking at photographs helped bring back pieces of my old life. I came across a picture of two Indians, one young, one old. The old man was wrinkled and in a wheelchair, but his eyes were fierce and unclouded by his age. The boy's eyes were much gentler and held a little laughter as well. Both had bronze skin and dark hair, though the man's was more gray now than black. There was something about these people...they would help me. The names on the back of the photo read Billy and Jacob Black. They must be a part of the Quileute tribe; it was the only reservation around here. I ran upstairs. Carlisle had told me that hi coven had a pact with the Indians on the reservation and we were not allowed on their land. A Google search brought up thousands of sites but I was looking for information about legends and tribe beliefs. There had to be a reason that I felt these people could help me. I finally met with success. This particular page dealt with the tribe beliefs, one of which included that the Quileute tribe was descended from werewolves. I knew I had heard that somewhere before. Weren't werewolves supposed to be the enemies of vampires? Why was my instinct telling me to look to them? A link on the next page revealed why.