Disclaimer: Rurouni Kenshin belongs to Watsuki.

A Son's Guilt: Chapter Five

No! a voice silently screamed in Kenji's head.

He could feel something getting heavier in his stomach, and added to that his knees were trembling and wouldn't stop. At any other instance, he would have felt shamed by such a cowardly reaction, especially towards his own father. Right now though, all he could think about was what would happen if Kenshin found out the truth.

If he, who had taught him so dearly of how sacred all life is, found out that Kenji had gone against everything taught to him. Everything Kenshin stood for. Everything...

---9 years earlier---

"Tou-san!" Kenji cried as he stepped back from his futon, nearly tripping over his feet in his fright. "Tou-san!"

The six year old trembled as he watched the object of his fear dart across his blanket, and disappear under his pillow.

There was the urgent thudding of footsteps against the floorboards as Kenshin made his way towards his son's room. He quickly slid open the shoji, his eyes alertly scanning the place for any sign of a threat to Kenji. What he found made his eyebrows knit together in confusion. He blinked.

"Kenji-chan, what's wrong?"

The child stood frozen, watching his futon with a terrified expression. Kenshin sighed inwardly as he looked behind him, hoping the cry hadn't woken Kaoru. She had gone to sleep earlier than both of them, having complained of a headache in the afternoon.

"Kenji-chan?"

Kenshin kneeled down in front of the boy. "Is something wrong with your futon?"

Kenji whimpered, his eyes still fixed on his pillow. He raised a hand slowly and pointed. Kenshin squinted at the pillow, wondering what on earth was wrong, then he realised. His son watched in confusion as a huge smile appeared on his face.

"...Tou-san?"

"Kenji-chan, that is only a grasshopper. It can't harm you, that it can't."

Kenji took a step backwards nonetheless. "But it looks scary. And it's on my futon." He looked up at his father with big blue eyes. "Can you kill it, Tou-san?"

Kenshin paused, as though considering his son's request. He stood up. "Why, Kenji?"

The expression on the boy's face suggested that it was pretty obvious why. But Kenji decided to answer him, just in case his father had misunderstood. His friend Masaki had told him that sometimes Tou-san's couldn't understand things properly because they were getting old. And Masaki was a whole year older than him, so Kenji figured he was pretty knowledgeable about these things. (He had ignored Kadoma's advice that fathers were just dumb. Kadoma was younger than him after all.)

"Because it's scary, that's why."

Kenshin thoughtfully stroked his chin. "I see. I should kill the grasshopper because you don't like the way it looks."

Kenji chewed his lip uncertainly. "Um..." For some reason he was starting to feel a little bad. He shifted uncomfortably.

"You know this scar on Tou-san's face?" Kenshin touched the puckered flesh on his left cheek. "I know a lot of people find it scary. Do you think they should be allowed to kill me because of that?"

The boy's eyes widened. "No!" He protectively hugged his father's hakama clad leg. "Your scar's not scary!"

Kenshin smiled as he patted his son's head. "But to some people it is. Just like how this grasshopper is scary to you, but not to me."

The boy scratched his hair, a habit he picked up from Kenshin. He only ever did it when he was embarrassed, or confused. And he sure was now.

"But Tou-san...it's just a bug."

"Ah." Kenshin folded his arms. "So just because it's smaller than you and me, it doesn't deserve to live?"

Kenji glanced at the insect again. It was still on his pillow but wasn't moving. For a moment the boy wondered if it could understand what they were talking about. He swallowed nervously.

"I didn't mean that..."

Kenshin ruffled his hair fondly. "I know. Sometimes it's easy to forget that insects too, are alive just like us. That they breathe and eat and sleep just like we do. It doesn't matter how small or scary they look, that it doesn't. They share this world with us, and they have a right to live in it. Don't you agree?"

Kenji nodded his head slowly. He was beginning to feel sorry for the creature now. He didn' t realise it was so much like him...He glanced at the bug again. His father said it slept just like they did. The boy wondered if it was the grasshopper's bedtime, and that was the reason he had come to Kenji's futon. But insects were supposed to live outdoors, not indoors. He wondered if it was lost. Kenji shuddered involuntarily. It was still scary though. He tightened his grip on his father's hakama.

"What if it bites me?"

"Well, grasshoppers don't actually bite. They are quite harmless. But if it were a spider, or a snake, which can really hurt you, it would be a different story."

'Then you can kill it?'

"No, Kenji-chan. Then we try very hard to get it to where it belongs in a way that doesn't hurt us or them."

Kenji nodded slowly. So his father was going to take the insect to where it belonged. So it was lost after all. He felt guilty now for suggesting they kill it.

Kenshin noticed his expression. "Don't worry. When I only a little bigger than you, the very same thing happened to me, and I asked my Shishou to kill the bug as well. And he explained to me what I just explained to you."

"Ojisan," Kenji murmured.

"Yep." His father smiled. "Except he also mentioned that I should stop being such a wimpy cry baby, that he did."

Kenji giggled. Kenshin stepped towards the insect. "So what do you say we take this insect outside on the grass, where it belongs?"

"Okay Tou-san!" the boy answered, feeling better. As Kenshin went to get a tin with holes in it to safely catch the insect, Kenji wondered if Masaki also knew that bugs and other creatures shouldn't be killed. That they were living, just like people, and shouldn't be hurt just because they looked different, or could bite you.

That you should never think about taking the life of anything...and instead think about how you could help them. He suddenly felt a surge of love for his father, and glanced at him proudly as Kenshin returned.

Tou-san is so smart and kind. When I grow up, I wanna be just like him...

o-o-o-o

"I have to go!" Kenji blurted out, looking panic-stricken as he stepped back from the men.

Saitou's eyes flickered to meet the boy's. His intense amber gaze seemed to bore right through him. "If it's your friends you want, they're not in their homes. They are waiting for me at the police station. And as soon as I'm finished explaining things to your father, you must accompany me there."

Kenshin remained silent, violet eyes focused on the familiar steel of the sakabatou still in his old rival's hands.

"Saitou-san, please answer my question. Kenji, I want you to stay." There was a hint of warning in his voice.

Saitou noted the boy's reaction. He looks like he's going to faint, he observed. Or make a run for it. His eyes widened in surprise.

It looked like Kenji had chosen the latter.

"I don't care if you tell him!" the fifteen year old shouted as he took a few more steps backwards. "I won't remember it!" His voice broke as he started to run. "I can't!" His vision blurred, and his arm stung from the exertion, but he didn't care. He just ran.

"Kenji!" His father shouted after him. 'Kenji!' But the boy had disappeared beyond the cherry blossom trees, and into the woods. Kenshin sighed heavily as he put a hand to his forehead. This is all too much...

"He is in a fair amount of trouble," Saito said, a touch of sympathy in his voice as he took out another cigarette. "And denial won't help him any." He struck a match and lit up.

"Yamanato's going to be after him."

"Because he killed his men."

Saitou didn't look at all surprised as he took a drag of his precious nicotine.

He blew out smoke. "Yes."

Kenshin shook slightly. Saitou thought he was doing very well, considering.

"I'm going back to the station. That's where he's heading, no doubt." the officer said pointedly, waiting for Kenshin to start moving.

"What if he's decided to run off and head for Kyoto.. to my Master..." Kenshin looked behind him, worry etched into his face. "I should follow after him. He's confused enough to think he can walk there, and he's not well, that he isn't..."

Saitou sighed as he handed him the sakabatou. "I'm positive he's going to find his friends, they are the ones who covered for him after all. You should come with me."

Kenshin stared at his old sword, gripping it so tightly his knuckles were white.

Hiding the wound...refusing to talk to me about it...running away...not wanting to remember...

"The boy must have had a reason. He probably had no other way to defend himself and his friends."

Kenshin shook his head as he silently slid the sword through his obi. "It's not that Saitou. I have always had complete faith in Kenji. He has a good heart, and I know that if he killed those robbers, then he had been left with absolutely no other choice. It's not why he did it that hurts me."

Saitou was silent.

My son...my only son has stained his hands with the blood of men. Kenji..

"It's what this will do to him. I don't regret the way I raised him, but...I know he will think that I will hold this against him."

Kenshin felt an agonising pain in his chest. "Even if I tell him I understand he was defending himself and the others...My fear is that he won't forgive himself."

When he looked up, there were tears in his eyes. "This isn't something...you can just recover from."

Saitou regarded him for a moment, then awkwardly placed a hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry so much about it. If he's your son, then he's tough enough to deal with this." he said gruffly.