Do we need to go over this again? Twilight is not mine (obviously).
Neither is Linkin Park.
Reviews will make me happy (who do they not make happy?).
Thanks for reading!
BPOV
The days that followed Edward's return were a blur of activity and emotional turmoil. Carlisle ran a hundred different tests in an attempt to find out exactly what I had become. The results were disappointing, at least they were to me. My looks were nearly the same. My skin was still pale and was cooler than that of the average human. The color of my eyes had changed from a rich brown to a deep mahogany. While some of my senses are heightened, namely my hearing and eyesight, I am fully human. According to Carlisle I may now be more human than ever, as far as frailty goes. My heart is not as strong as it used to be, I am just as accident prone as ever, and my reflexes are slightly slower than before. That last piece of information has made Edward and the others hover more than they ever had in the past.
There was so much I needed to think about. My memory had returned fully and the fact that this whole ordeal had been caused by my inability to control myself bothered me. I had had this problem for a while and had never bothered to confront it and try to stop. Hurting myself was a way I had found helped me to deal with emotional stress and pain. I knew it was wrong but had always shoved the issue under the rug. I couldn't do that any more.
I had hardly spoken in two days. I know it hurt them, Edward and Alice especially. It was difficult to be near to them, to be constantly reminded of how close I had come to finally achieving what I had begged Edward for, and that I had given it up on my own free will. None of the Cullens understood. Not one of them had chosen to become a vampire. I had. I knew that if I were given the chance the decision would not be a difficult one. I would go through the awful pain and the searing fire, I would choose to live as a vampire for eternity. For him. Edward knew it as well as I did. And the knowledge tortured him.
EPOV
Bella's body was not the only thing that had been affected by her changes, her mood was quite altered as well. She had always been somewhat of a paradox. Wise but innocent, breakable yet unshakable. She was unpredictable and somehow still dependable. But she was quieter now, much more solemn. It was a rare thing to see her smile reach her eyes when Alice spoke to her, Emmett joked around, or when I held her. Jasper would give me no clue as to what she was feeling, nor would he attempt to lighten her mood; he simply stated that it was none of his business this time. I felt hopeless. It was as though a part of her was gone. I wanted it back.
BPOV
I knew I was driving him crazy. I could tell. He was confused by my attitude, my moodiness. I wanted to tell him my reasoning behind the distance I maintained, but if I did I was certain my resolve would crumble. I hated to see the hurt in his eyes. In the course of one week I had endured the transformations form human to vampire and back to human. I needed time to think things over. I knew now who Charlie was and was able to remember details of my past. It served only to make me more unsure of myself. I could not continue living like this, doubting Edward and questioning the things I once had no problem doing. My world had been turned upside down...or maybe, just maybe it was now right side up. Despite my confusion I knew I had to do two things.
1) I could not continue like I had for so long, hiding what I felt and punishing myself for things that were beyond my control.
2) I needed him to change me.
It was crazy and I knew it. There was no way any sane person would volunteer to go through that much pain again. But I had done it once. I had been to hell and back for Edward. I needed to know if my sacrifice had been worth it...if I was worth it.
EPOV
I had gone out hunting. I was gone for a few hours, only to the park. She was gone when I returned. No one would tell me anything and when i delved into their thoughts I discovered they knew no more than I. Was this how she had felt, waking up to no one? I stood outside the house, frozen, waiting for a breeze. There it was. Her scent wafted in and I followed. I ran at least two miles before I saw her. Bella leaned against a small rock at the top of a hill. A passerby would have missed her completely, she was nearly hidden by shadows.
"Bella?" I was hesitant to call out to her. We had barely spoken during the past few days. It was torture to be so near to her and to feel so distant.
She did not look up. As I walked forward i realized she was listening to music. Her back rested against the rock as she mouthed the words, eyes closed. I sat and watched, content for the moment to just be near to her. After a moment I was able to recognize the artist. I smiled to myself; it was Linkin Park, her 'angry' music.
Talking to her right now would be useless so I sat by her side and waited. Her hair was down, shielding her face from my view. It was a fruitless attempt to hide her tears and she knew it. Sniffling quietly she switched tracks and turned up the volume. For a moment I thought she was trying to block me out – until I heard the song. She mouthed most of the words as they played and softly sang the others, letting the lyrics speak for her, telling me know how she felt.
When this began I had nothing to say
And I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(Nothing to lose)
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own and the fault is my own
I want to heal I want to feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I've held so long
(Erase all the pain till it's gone)
I want to heal I want to feel
Like I'm close to something real
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong
And I've got nothing to say
I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face
What do I have but negativity
Cause I can't justify the way everyone is looking at me
(Nothing to lose)
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own and the fault is my own
She was as confused as I was. She felt like what had happened was her fault; I felt as though it were mine.
BPOV
I hated that I was even allowing myself to cry. I knew that I could not trust my voice right now so I did the only other thing I could think of. "Somewhere I Belong" had become 'my song' several months back; it would serve to speak for me now. Edward grew stiff as the song played. I didn't blame him. The last time I had mentioned any thing along these lines it ended with an argument and me unconscious, bleeding. As the song ended he shifted closer to me. Despite myself I turned my head to look at Edward. As his eyes met mine I voiced the burning request, pleading for my own death as I had so many times before.
"Why not? Tell me why not."
He leaned towards me so slowly it was painful. I struggled to hold his gaze as his topaz eyes smoldered and darkened. His face was inches from mine as our eyes remained locked. It was the first time I had ever been able to return his stare and I knew he noticed. We stayed in that position for what seemed like hours. He hovered over me, balancing on one hand while I leaned back against the rock. He exhaled slowly and my heart gave me away as it began to sputter erratically. He drew back instantly, mindful of my now weak heart, but not before he changed tracks. I sighed. It was his turn.
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
Something has been taken
From deep inside of me
A secret I've kept locked away
No one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show
They never go away
Like moving pictures in my head
For years and years they've played
If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I've made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all my shame to the grave I would
Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there would never be a past
It's so much easier to go
If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
I would take all my shame to the grave
I stopped the song.
"You're not the only one who hurts, Bella. You aren't the only one who has regrets. Think about that."
A/N: This is the first part of the last chapter. The last post will be up as soon as I have it finished. Since school has started for me I cannot make any promises as to when the next part will be posted so please don't ask:) However, reviews may motivate me to work harder on it. hint hint...
I'm sorry if you hated the parts with the lyrics – I usually hate it when people do that but they just seemed to fit for that portion. Before Linkin Park fans get mad at me for cutting the songs short or 'editing' lines out let me explain myself. Lyrics take up a lot of room that could be used for the story line. With this in mind I left out irrelevant parts of the songs so that 1) they would be more effective and 2) they don't use up as much space.
Places where lyrics have been removed have little (...) to signify that.
ETC ETC ... rolls eyes