Chapter 3

James passed by me in a rush, not even noticing I stood there. I was surely the only one who noticed his expression. It was one of intense pain, of rejection. It was then I vowed that he would not spend this night alone, left only to his self-critical thoughts. He would need a friend, whether he admitted it or not.

I found him in his home an hour later. He sat in a comfortable chair that he kept for guests. A glass of what I assumed was rum was in his hands, a bottle halfway empty by his side.

"James." I said softly.

He looked up. "Gwen. You're not supposed to be here. It's not proper."

"Hang proper. You need someone to talk with tonight." I inhaled the scent of rum. "How much of that bottle have you drunk this evening?"

"It was full when I started." So that's why his words were slightly slurred.

I frowned at him. "You shouldn't drink that much."

He arched in eyebrow. "I'm trying to get drunk. Drinking all of it is the point."

"Fine. If you will, then I will drink too." I poured a glass.

"You shouldn't do that."

"But I will. Just to prove to you that I can, if nothing else."

"Fine." He bit out.

"There is no reason to get drunk. You need to talk, not get soused."

"Of what? I have nothing I wish to talk about."

"How about what happened today? You must be angry...Miss Swann's callous rejection of you…" I began.

He stopped me with a wave of his hand. "I knew when she accepted that she didn't want me. I compromised my morals…"

"How?"

"I agreed to save Turner when she asked for it as a wedding gift. I said that I served others." He snorted derisively. "I served myself…who am I fooling? And because I was so selfish, good men died. I can never forgive myself…"

"James, I know you. You would have saved Turner as he was a citizen of Port Royal, as you swore to do. Perhaps it was selfish, but everyone lapses…"

"I cannot afford to lapse."

"You are human, James! Human! Miss Swann should never have agreed to your proposal…"

"Foolishly, I thought I could convince her to love me as I loved her."

I looked away then, unable to think about that, unable to hold my love in if I looked at him. He didn't need a foolish woman such as myself declaring her love for him and I didn't need to do it because it would only provide me with awkward pity from a man in love with a woman who had so abused his regard.

"If anyone was a fool, it is Miss Swann for not realizing what a fine man you are…"

His shoulders slumped down. "I am not a fine man."

I took his face in my hands. "Yes, you are. I believe you are a fine man. Doesn't my opinion count for anything?"

"There is so much you don't know." he whispered.

"I know YOU, James. That is enough." Unconsciously, I was stroking his cheek. His eyes closed. My heart clenched. It was so obvious to me that he was starved for the love and attention most people expected as their due. I wondered how no one else saw the desperate loneliness he no doubt coped with everyday…always supporting and protecting and never asking for anything in return...

"What does it matter? No woman will ever want this fine man…" he said bitterly.

It slipped out. I couldn't see him criticize himself any further.

"I do."

His eyes opened. "What?"

I gathered my bravery. "I do. Please don't turn me away."

My lips pressed to his as I sat upon his lap. I had no idea what to do, having had no experience in matters such as this, and he had become very still...

I leaned back. Blushing, I whispered, "I'm sorry. I don't have much experience with this…"

His hands curved around my head and suddenly, his lips were on mine, searching. His tongue traveled over my closed mouth, begging for entrance...