The Little Hick-maid

(Smog is seen as the camera pans downward.

From the smog a movie's auditions appear.)

Actors/Crew: I'll tell you a tale of the Phantom of the Opera

And it's hey to the stage-right, tip-toe

Look out, lad, a Fangirl be waitin' for you

In mysterious cornfields below.

Gerard Butler: Isn't this great? The dusty stage, the smell of scripts and sweaty bodies . . .

a perfect day to be acting!

Gerry's Agent: (Leaning out window of high-story apartment where auditions are being held.) Oh yes . . . delightful . . . .

Actor 1: A fine strong wind and a following group of phans. The Phantom of Hollywood must be in a

friendly-type mood.

Gerard Butler: Phantom of Hollywood?

Actor 2: Why, ruler of the hicks, and creator of Hollywood, lad. Thought every good Actor knew

about him.

Gerry's Agent: Hicks! Gerry, pay no attention to this white-trash white-lie.

Actor 2: But it ain't no white-lie, it's the truth! I'm tellin' you, down in the

depths o' the cornfields they live. (He gestures wildly, piece of his script in his hand blows

away in the wind and flies into the air, flying out the open deck door of the apartment.)

Actors/Crew: Tip. Toe. Tip-toe. In mysterious cornfields below. (Script paper flies off into wind. Camera starts to pan out into sky again.)

(Titles. A cornfield. Crows are flying around, along with tons of random insects buzzing around. Little hick children are playing in the middle of dirt roads with garbage in the middle of the cornfield, while the adults are sittin' on their porches drinking cans of beer, waiting to watch cars go by. Hicks start to file into the high school, filling gymnasium/stage inside. Fanfare ensues.)

Erik's Vampire: Ahem . . . His amazing kewlness, The Phantom of Hollywood! (Phantom of Hollywood enters

dramatically to wild cheering.) And presenting the distinguished coach, Billy Bob Stevie Carl Renn! (Renn enters to mild applause.)

Phantom of Hollywood: I'm really looking forward to this game, Renn.

Renn: Oh, Your Ghost-i-ness, this will be the finest game I have ever coached. Your team - they will be spectacular!

Phantom of Hollywood: Yes, and especially my little Aminta.

Renn: Yes, yes, she has the most amazing tackle, and great throws. . . . sotto If only

she'd show up for practice once in a while. . . . (She proceeds to the team, gathered on the sidelines, stretching and warming up. She begins to give out plays.)

Phantom of Hollywood's Team: (begins to play against Tremont Turks, and sing as they being play "Blue 42", confusing the Turks at their singing) Ah, we are the football team of the Phantom.

Great coach and mentor who taught us well:

42, 67, 69 side note: Rest in Peace buddy-love you and miss you, 54, 27, 63.

And then there is the only girl in her football debut,

Our seventh little player, we're presenting her to you,

To punt the ball to Renn's play, her legs are like pure steel,

She's our star, Am-in . . .

(Huddle opens to reveal that Aminta is absent.)

Phantom of Hollywood: (Very angry.) Aminta!

(Cut to Aminta wandering through the woods, and hacking down tall grasses and weeds in her way. In front of Aminta is an old, abandoned mansion)

Jesse: (From distance.) Aminta, wait for me . . .

Aminta: Jesse, hurry up!

Jesse: (Catching up.) You know I can't go up hills that fast.

Aminta: There it is. Isn't it fantastic?

Jesse: Yeah . . . sure . . . it - it's great. Now let's get outta here.

Aminta: You're not getting cold feet now, are you?

Jesse: Who, me? No way. It's just, it, err . . . it looks - moldy in there.

Yeah. And I think I may be coming down with something. Yeah, I got this

cough. (Jesse coughs unconvincingly)

Aminta: All right. I'm going inside. You can just stay here and - watch for

hobos. (She goes inside.)

Jesse: O.K. Yeah - you go. I'll stay and - what? hobos! Aminta!

(He tries to get in through boarded-up window.) Aminta . . . I can't . . . I mean-

Aminta help!

Aminta: (Laughs.) Oh, Jesse.

Jesse: (Whispering.)Aminta, do you really think there might be hobos around

here? (Hobo passes by outside.)

Aminta: Jesse, don't be such a baby.

Jesse: I'm not a baby. (Gets pulled through window.)This is great - I

mean, I really love this. Excitement, adventure, danger lurking around

every cornfi- YAAAAHHHHHHHH! Aminta! (He sees a mirror, crashes into mirror

causing it to fall over, and runs frantically and blindly away, knocking over Aminta.)

Aminta: Oh, are you okay?

Jesse: Yeah sure, no problem, I'm okay . . .

Aminta: Shhh . . . (Seeing an old wineglass beside a bed covered in dusty velvet.) Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Have you ever

seen anything so wonderful in your entire life?

Jesse: Wow, cool! But, err, what is it?

Aminta: I don't know. But I bet Katie Phatty will.

(Puts wineglass in bag. A hobo staggers by outside, cussing at unseen "pink elephants", waving a knife around.)

Jesse: What was that? Did you hear something?

Aminta: (Distracted by an old condom, still in wrapper.) Hmm, I wonder what this is? Aw shit, she must be Catholic XD

Jesse: Aminta . .

Aminta: Jesse, will you relax. Nothing is going to happen.

Jesse: (Seeing drunken hobo looming behind him.) AAHHHH! Run! Run! We're

gonna die! (Hobo chases them all around, all the while stabbing at them, yelling barbarically, demanding why they are in his 'home'. Aminta's bag is hung up on an up-turned chair leg. She

goes back for it. The hobo almost stabs Aminta. They head for the entrance back to the cornfield.) Oh No!

(They crash through and go round and round the old abandoned mansion. Jesse gets knocked silly

but Aminta saves him and tackles the hobo, making him fall unconscious) You big bully. THBBBTTTT . . .

(Hobo wakes up for a moment and swipe at Jesse. Hobo falls back asleep, and Jesse runs off.)

Aminta: (Laughing.) Jesse, you really are a baby.

Jesse: I am not.

(About a half mile down from the back entrance to the cornfield. Katie Phatty on her boathouse on a lake humming and looking through her

telescope. The boathouse is tied up and she's sitting right next to the small bridge leading to the entrance to her house)

Aminta: Katie Phatty!

Katie Phatty: (Looking through the telescope the wrong way, shouting.) Whoa!

Hick off the port bow! Aminta, how you doin' kid? (Lowers telescope to

reveal Aminta at arm's length.) Whoa, what a walk!

Aminta: Katie Phatty - look what we found.

Jesse: Yeah - we were in this old, abandoned mansion - it was really creepy.

Katie Phatty: Sophisticated people stuff, huh? Hey, lemme see. (Picks up wineglass.) Look at this.

Wow - this is special - this is very, very unusual.

Aminta: What? What is it?

Katie Phatty: It's a famadigap! Humans use these little babies . . . to

Rest their heads on a table when they get too drunk to sit up by themselves. Ya just set it down, and - voiolay! You got an aesthetically pleasing configuration

Head-holding that the sophisticated go nuts over!

Aminta: A famadigap!

Jesse: What about that one?

Katie Phatty: (Holding condom) Ah - this I haven't seen in years. This is wonderful!

A see-through, Technicolor- lippihlab.

Aminta and Jesse: Oohhh.

Katie Phatty: Now, the lippihlab dates back to prehistorical times, when humans used

to sit try to go around stealing each other's trash. Got very dangerous. So, they

invented the lippihlab. Allow me.

(Katie Phatty opens the wrapper and stretches the condom out and places it over her head. It slips off, and snaps her head rather painfully)See how it disfigured my face? It also worked rather nicely when playing sports when one wasn't very good at it.

Aminta: Sports! The big game! Oh my gosh, my father's gonna kill me!

Jesse: The game was today?

Katie Phatty: (Still contemplating condom.) Maybe you could make a little grocery bag

out of it or somethin'.

Aminta: Uh, I'm sorry, I've gotta go. Thank you Katie Phatty. (Waves.)

Katie Phatty: Anytime sweetie, anytime.

(Cut to Marek and Westley, then Karson in background watching magic

projection of Aminta running into the entrance of the cornfield.)

Karson: Yeeeeeees, hurry home, princess. We wouldn't want to miss old daddy's

celebration, now, would we? Huh! Celebration indeed. Bah! In MY day, we

had fantastical feasts when I taught home ec. in the high school. And now, look at me -

wasted away to practically nothing - banished and exiled and practically

starving, while he and his flimsy hick-folk celebrate. Well, I'll give 'em

something to celebrate soon enough. Marek! Westley! I want you to keep an

extra close watch on this pretty little daughter of his. She may be the key

to Phantom of Hollywood's undoing. . . .

(Fade to the cornfield's biggest shack where Aminta is being admonished.)

Phantom of Hollywood: I just don't know what we're going to do with you, young lady.

Aminta: Daddy, I'm sorry, I just forgot, I -

Phantom of Hollywood: As a result of your careless behaviour -

Renn: Careless and reckless behaviour!

Phantom of Hollywood: - the entire celebration was, er -

Renn: Well, it was ruined! That's all. Completely destroyed! This

concert was to be the pinnacle of my distinguished career. Now thanks to

you I am the laughing stock of the entire kingdom!

Jesse: But it wasn't her fault! Ah - well - first, ahh, this hobo chased us

- yeah - yeah! And we tried to - but we couldn't - and - meeeeeeeh - and -

and we - whoooaaaaaa - oh, and then we were safe. But then this crazy cheerleader came,

and it was this is this, and that is that, and -

Phantom of Hollywood: Cheerleader? What? Oh - you went up to the town again, didn't you?

DIDN'T YOU?

Aminta: Nothing - happened. . . .

Phantom of Hollywood: Oh, Aminta, How many times must we go through this? You could've been

seen by one of those barbarians - by - by one of those SOPHISTICATED PEOPLE!

Aminta: Daddy, they're not barbarians!

Phantom of Hollywood: They're dangerous. Do you think I want to see my youngest daughter

snared by some gossiper's smooth words?

Aminta: I'm sixteen years old - I'm not a child anymore -

Phantom of Hollywood: Don't you take that tone of voice with me young lady. As long as you

live under my roof, you'll obey my rules!

Aminta: But if you would just listen -

Phantom of Hollywood: Not another word - and I am never, NEVER to hear of you going to the

town again. Is that clear? (Aminta leaves, crying.)

Renn: Hm! Teenagers. . . . They think they know everything. You give

them an inch, they swim all over you.

Phantom of Hollywood: Do you, er, think I - I was too hard on her?

Renn: Definitely not. Why, if Aminta was my daughter, I'd show her who was

boss. None of this "flitting to the surface" and other such nonsense. No,

sir - I'd keep her under tight control.

Phantom of Hollywood: You're absolutely right, Renn.

Renn: Of course.

Phantom of Hollywood: Aminta needs constant supervision.

Renn: Constant.

Phantom of Hollywood: Someone to watch over her - to keep her out of trouble.

Renn: All the time -

Phantom of Hollywood: And YOU are just the lassie to do it.

(Cut to Renn walking down corridor.)

Renn: How do I get myself into these situations? I should be writing

plays - not tagging along after some crazy cheerleader-wanna-be. (Sees Aminta

and Jesse sneaking off and follows.) Hmm? What is that girl up to? (She

barely makes it into cave and sees Aminta's collection of various Hollywood memorbilia.) Huh?

Jesse: Aminta, are you okay?

Aminta: If only I could make him understand. I just don't see things the way he

does. (Maybe he's right. Maybe there is something the matter with me.
I just don't see how wanting to be an actress, and being famous could be bad.)

Look at this town
Isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you think that my town can't compete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl
The girl who has everything?
Look at this trailer park
Trash untold
How many wonders can one hickville hold?
Looking around here you think
Sure, it's got everything
It's got druggies and white-trash a-plenty
It's got trailers and corn fields galore
You want road-kill shish kabobs?
We've got plenty!
But who cares?
No big deal
I want more

I wanna be where the actors are
I wanna see, wanna see them singin'
Dancing around on that - what do you call it?
Oh - stage!

Flappin' your jaw, you don't get too far
Talent is required for making money
Strolling along down a - what's that word again?
red carpet!

Up where they gossip, up where they pop babies
Up where they make out all day behind the scenes
Wanderin' free - wish I could be
Part of that world

What would I give if I could live out of this fucking cornfield?
What would I pay to spend a day warm in L.A.?
Bet'cha on stage they understand
That they don't sit on porches drinking booze watching cars go by
Bright young women sick of ignoramuses
Ready to act

I'm ready to know what the actors know
Ask 'em my questions and get some answers
What's a Rocky Mountain Oyster and why does it make you?
vomit?

When's it my turn?
Wouldn't I love, love to explore that stage above all?
Out of this field
Wish I could be
Part of that world

(Renn has been struggling around and now comes crashing down making

a lot of noise.)

Aminta: Renn?

Renn: Aminta - what, are you mad? How could you - what is all this?

Aminta: It, err, it's just my - collection. . . .

Renn: Oh. I see. Your collection. Hmmm. IF YOUR FATHER KNEW ABOUT THIS

PLACE HE'D -

Jesse: You're not gonna tell him, are you?

Aminta: Oh, please, Renn, he would never understand.

Renn: Aminta. You're under a lot of pressure down here. Come with me,

I'll take you home and get you something alcoholic to drink. (A limo is seen stopping by the gas station across the way.)

Aminta: What do you suppose?. . .

Renn: Aminta? Aminta!

(At gas station. Classical music is playing from the inside of the vehicle. Aminta looks on,

amazed. Renn and Jesse arrive.)

Renn: Aminta, what - what are you- dunkin' donuts! Aminta, Aminta!

Please come back! (Aminta runs over to limo and watches party inside the limo from a cracked-open window until Max finds

her.)

Gerry: (Whistles.) Max, here boy. Hey, come on, mutt, whatcha doing, huh

Max? Good boy. (Aminta sees him and is stricken.)

Katie Phatty: Hey there, sweetie! Quite a show, eh?

Aminta: Katie Phatty, be quiet! They'll hear you.

Katie Phatty: Oooh, I gotcha, I gotcha. We're being intrepidatious. WE'RE OUT TO

DISCOVER! (Aminta slaps her hand over Katie's mouth.)

Aminta: I've never seen a sophisticate this close before. Oh - he's very handsome,

isn't he?

Katie Phatty: (Looking at Max) I dunno, he looks kinda hairy and slobbery to me.

Aminta: Not that one - the one using the famadigap.

(Gerry's Agent comes out of the gas station after much talking to the owner, dragging something behind him.)

Gerry's Agent: Silence! Silence! It is now my honour and privilege to present our

esteemed Gerry with a very special, very amazing, very large, congratulatory

present.

Aminta: gasps and whispers to herself It's…it's Gerry Butler…from Timeline!

Gerry: Ah, Bill - y'old beanpole, you shouldn't have.

Gerry's Agent: I know. Congratulations, Gerry! (Large, gaudy, tin statue of Gerry is

revealed. Max growls.)

Gerry: Gee, Bill. It's, err, it's, err - it's really somethin'. . . .

Gerry's Agent: Yes, I commissioned it myself. Of course, I had hoped it would be a

wedding present, but . . .

Gerry: Come on, Bill, don't start. Look, you're not still sore because I didn't

fall for the chick from Dracula 2000, are you?

Gerry's Agent: Oh, Gerry, it isn't me alone. All the groupies want to see you

happily settled down with the right girl.

Gerry: Well, she's out there somewhere. I just - I just haven't found her yet.

Gerry's Agent: Well, perhaps you haven't been looking hard enough.

Gerry: Believe me, Bill, when I find her I'll know - without a doubt. It'll

just - bam! - hit me - like a Fangirl. (Thunder and lightning is found in the sky. Female hicks appear out of nowhere, it seems and quickly surround the groupies and Gerry.)

Groupie: Fangirls a'commin'! Get in the limo quick! (Girls reach the groupies.)

Katie Phatty: Whoa! The wind's all of a sudden on the move here. (She runs off.) Oh! Aminta . . . I have to secure my boaaaat. . .(Rain starts to pound into everyone's skulls, and lightning lights up the darkened sky)

Gerry: Look out! . . . (Lightning strikes a few feet from the station, startling the rest of the groupies into the limo, except for Max)

Bill, hang on! (Sees Max.) Max! (Goes back to save him.) Jump in Max! Come

on boy, jump! You can do it Max. (He saves Max but is trapped within the large herd of hick-women.)

Gerry's Agent: GERRY! (Gerry is overcome by the women, and the last thing the groupies saw of him was his hand waving above him before he was pulled down. The sky spits out hail, and the driver unknowingly drives away, leaving Gerry. Aminta sees Gerry struggling, and she crawls into the group, pulling Gerry out, and leaving the girls to fight over nothing.)

(On side of highway. Aminta is sitting next to an unconscious Gerry, who is next to the remains of a squirrel. A random hick runs crazily by, and scoops up the squirrel, yelling at Aminta.)

Hick-MY dinner!

(The hick hisses at Aminta before running off. Aminta pays him no attention)

Aminta: Is he - dead?

Katie Phatty: (Opens Gerry's eyelid.) It's hard to say. (Puts her ear against Gerry's

foot.) Oh, I - I can't make out a heartbeat.

Aminta: No, look! He's breathing. He's so, beautiful.

What would I give
To act with you now?
What would I pay
To be there beside you?
What would I do to see you
Acting with me?

Where would we walk?
Where would we run?
If we could stay all day making movies? (and babies…wink wink nudge nudge)
Just you and me
And I could be
Part of the stage

(Renn and Jesse have caught up and are watching scene. Max and

Gerry's Agent approach in limo. Aminta hurries away.)

Gerry's Agent: Gerry! Oh, Gerry. You really delight in these sadistic strains on my

blood pressure, don't you?

Gerry: A girl - rescued me. . . . She was - singing . . . she had the most -

beautiful voice.

Gerry's Agent: Ah, Gerry, I think you've swallowed a bit too much pollen-filled air. Off we

go. Come on, Max.

Renn: We just gotta forget this whole thing ever happened. The Phantom

will never know. You won't tell him, I won't tell him. I will stay in one

piece.

Aminta:

I don't know when

I don't know how

But I know something's starting right now

Watch and you'll see

Some day I'll be

Part of your world

(Marek and Westley appear. Fade to Karson watching from his chamber.)

Karson: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I can't stand it - it's too easy. The

child is in love with a sophisticate. And not just any sophisticate – an actor! Her

daddy'll LOVE that. Phantom of Hollywood's headstrong, lovesick girl would make a

charming addition to my little garden.

(Fade to high school. Then to outside of girls' locker room.)

47: Aminta, time for practice. You've been in there all morning.

(Aminta emerges, singing to herself.)

69: What is with her lately?

Aminta: Morning, Daddy. (Aminta runs off.)

67: Oh, she's got it bad.

Phantom of Hollywood: What? What has she got?

69: Isn't it obvious, Coach? Aminta's got the hots for someone.

Phantom of Hollywood: Aminta? In love?