No Laughing Matter

"Rise and shine," muttered a just woken Draco, as he nuzzled his new wife's hair with his nose, inhaling the faint vanilla scent of her shampoo. Artemis grumbled tiredly, turning around to face her husband, her eyes still shut, as she was not yet awake. Draco stifled a laugh, as the young woman buried her face in the crook of his neck and pressed her body up against his closely, seeking to combat the December chill, with the heat his body could provide. It was only six o'clock in the morning, and the sun was just now beginning to rise, so their bedchamber was quiet cold, especially since the fire had, had all night to die down.

"Artemis," whispered Draco, softly in her ear, before light pressing his lips against the soft skin of her temple.

"whuu," she grumbled incoherently, nuzzling her body against her husbands tightly.

"Wake up," said Draco, in a sing-song voice, rolling himself over onto his wife, forcing her to wake up.

"Draco, really I'm tired," huffed Artemis, shifting her hair out of her face. "Just let me go back to sleep for a bit."

"Can't, Love," replied Draco, leaning down to kiss her softly on this lips. "We've got to get ready to go. Our honeymoon starts today." Artemis' eyes shot open, a bright smile spreading across her lovely face, as she forced Draco onto his back, straddling his hips. Artemis had been trying to get her husband to tell her where they would be going for their little hiatus, for weeks, but he had remained tight lipped the entire time.

"Where are we going?" she questioned excitedly.

"Well, I know how much you love Greek Mythology, after all, with a name like Artemis, how could you not. So, I have arranged for us to spend an entire week at the beautiful and luxurious, Magna Grecia Boutique Hotel, in Athens, Greece, where we will get to enjoy all of the sights, sounds and history, that the area has to offer. After we have had our fill of the historical land, we will trek over to Italy, for a glorious fun-filled, week in Rome," replied Draco, boastfully. Truth be told, he was very proud of his selections. He had spent a great deal of time trying to figure out where it would be best to spend their two week honeymoon. One afternoon, during one of their mandatory Saturday meetings, Artemis mentioned how much she loved reading about Ancient Rome and Greek Mythology. When he heard that, he instantly knew exactly where they should go. Besides, even though Draco wasn't particularly interested in Rome or mythology, it wasn't like he wouldn't be able to enjoy himself. After all, both destinations were rumored to have several nude beaches, and he would make sure that he lured his lovely new wife, to at least one of them.

"Draco!" exclaimed Artemis, happily, a huge grin on the barely coherent young woman's face. " It all sounds so perfect!"

"I thought you'd like it," said Draco, nonchalantly. On the outside he was calm and collected, but on the inside he was reeling. He wasn't sure what it was exactly, but for some reason he got such a thrill from making her happy. He officially loved to make her happy.

"I have to admit, I was pretty worried when you asked to pick our honeymoon destination, but you've really out done yourself. I can't thank you enough for arranging all this," Artemis said, as she rose from the bed and rushed to the lavatory to prepare her shower. Draco walked over to the door, peeking inside. He had hoped that she would have been undressed, but much to his disappointment, she had her robe draped tightly around her body.

"Not a problem, dear. I'm actually looking forward to it, myself. Some of these places look amazing. I can't wait to get to Greece," replied the young man, as he leaned against the doorway. "How long until you're ready? The hotel in Athens, is expecting us in about an hour."

"An hour!" she exclaimed, knowing that there was no way that they would both be able to get ready in an hour. Suddenly, she calmed down, an idea having struck her. "Well, there's no way we'll be there in an hour. Unless, of course, my wonderful husband, is willing to share the shower with me." Draco's jaw dropped at his wife's provocative suggestion. The previous nights events had gone less than smashingly, so he hadn't expected her to willing enter into any sort of intimate situation, anytime soon. Needless to say, he was wonderfully shocked by her invitation.

"Shower... together?" Draco asked for clarification, hoping to making sure that they were on the same page.

"Yes," assured Artemis, as she removed her silk bathrobe.

"All right then, just wanted to make sure we're on the same page," said Draco, as he quickly discarded his boxer shorts, and joined his wife in the shower. Draco had known that it to take a while for him and Artemis to become completely comfortable with one another, and had, therefore, expected that their honeymoon would be quiet awkward. However, Artemis' behavior this morning, was a wonderful way to begin their vacation.

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The young couple's honeymoon flew by. In no time the pair was on their way back to Hogwarts, having dropped their luggage off at Malfoy Manor, only having enough time to pick up fresh bags and their school supplies that their parents had arranged for them, before heading to the train station. Just as they had done on the trip home, last term, Draco and Artemis found an empty compartment towards the back of the train, secluding themselves from the rest of their schoolmates.

"That was fantastic, wasn't it?" asked Artemis, a serene smile on her slightly tanned face. Artemis and Draco had spent a great deal of time in the sun, while touring the sights and beaches in Greece and Rome, so both had returned from their honeymoon with sun kissed skin, which was a far cry from their usual fair complexion's.

"Yes, it was. Kind of makes you not want to come back," declared the young man, as he finished loading their carry-on bags into the luggage compartment, before settling down next to his beautiful wife, his arm draped lazily over her shoulder.

"No, I'm glad to be back. I missed everyone. It was nice to see them, even though it was only for a few moments. I'm a bit excited to see how we settle into being married. It's going to be weird for a while," said Artemis, as she rested her head against his shoulder and closed her eyes, in hopes of getting some rest before the prefect's meeting.

"It won't be weird," assured Draco, a cocky smirk on his face. "We said and did everything, a husband and wife can do, during our honeymoon. So if it wasn't weird then, I don't think it'll be weird now." Artemis pinched him light, knowing that he was referring to the rather, explorative, two weeks they had spent together. Artemis had assured herself and Draco, that after they consummated their marriage, it would be a while before they ever had sex ago. But truth be told, she had kind of enjoyed herself, and had found it hard to ignore that fact that she was married to a very a attractive young man.

"So, how is this going to work... now that we're back at school?" asked Draco, toying with a lock of his wife's hair.

"How will what, work?" asked

"The whole sex thing. You said no sex after consummation, but you sure blew that one out of the water," joked the young man, earning him a sharp jab to the ribs.

"I don't know. Why don't we play it by ear," decided the young woman, a slight blush creeping onto her cheeks.

"Oh, I see, so that mean's that we'll be shagging every night like we did on our honeymoon," mused Draco, only adding to his wife's embarrassment. "Really love, I had no idea I was marrying such a little sex kitten." Just as the words left his mouth, the door to their compartment slid open, and Blaise and Goyle barged in, broad smiles on their faces. The instant Draco saw them, he knew that they had heard what he had said.

"Sex kitten?" questioned Blaise, a devious smirk on his handsome face. "Funny, I always thought you were a bit of prude."

"Shut it, Zabini," chided Draco, warningly. "I assure you my wife is anything but a prude. She does this thing with her tongue..."

"Draco!" shouted Artemis, clasping her hand tightly over his mouth to silence him. "Shut. Up."

"Sorry, love," apologized Draco, winking at his two best friends.

"So, I take it your honeymoon went well," joked Blaise, waggling his eyebrows at Artemis, who simply rolled her eyes in annoyance.

"Believe it or not we hunted the two of you down for a reason. You're needed in the Head's Compartment for the prefect meeting. Granger's throwing a fit. It's pretty funny to watch, actually. She's running up and down the hall's ranting and raving, 'Malfoy, you little ferret, where are you'" mocked Goyle, doing his best to imitate Hermione's voice.

"Right then," said Draco, as he stood and helped his wife up, before heading towards the door.

"Why do they call you ferret?" asked Artemis, confused by his nickname. Blaise and Goyle broke into a fit of hysterical laughter, at the memory of their friends stint as a fluffy white ferret.

"It's a long story," replied Draco, ushering her out the door, without elaborating.

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The Welcoming Feast seemed to drag on forever. Artemis couldn't wait for it to end. This was the longest the pair had been apart for two weeks, and even though they were only on opposite sides of the room, the distance seemed unbearable. Unfortunately for them, there was no married couples table, so Draco had to sit at the Slytherin table, while Artemis had to sit at the Ravenclaw table, though every few moments, the two of them would look across the room at one another, mouthing something ridiculously sappy, in hopes of the other person being able to read their lips. Once the welcoming speech was over dinner was served.

After dinner was complete and the Headmaster had dismissed all of the students, Draco and Artemis were able to reunite, the young wife nearly leaping into her husbands arms as they met. Their quiet reunion was short lived, as the head of the Slytherin house and Draco's godfather, Professor Snape, slowly crossed the Great Hall approaching the young couple.

"The Headmaster would like to see the both of you, in his office... now," informed the young professor, before turning sharply and exiting the hall, his black robes billowing with every step he took.

"Come on," said Artemis, taking her husbands hand and leading him towards Dumbledore's office.

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"I can't believe it!" shouted Artemis, angrily, as she stormed into the Head's Suite, attempting to slam the door behind her but her husband had yet to clear the threshold and had stopped it just before it crashed into him.

"I don't see why you're so upset. They said that they would be checking. It was just a pregnancy test," explained Draco, exploring the common room of the Head's Suite, awed by the expansive quarters.

"Just a pregnancy test? Just a pregnancy test!" shouted Artemis, turning on her husband, absolutely livid by the events that had just transpired. She had been so embarrassed when the Headmaster had forced her to allow Madame Pomfrey to examine her to ensure that she was not with child. However, she was even angrier that her stupid husband had insisted on leaving the room, declaring that this had "nothing to do with him".

"Artemis, they told us that they would have to make sure that you weren't pregnant long before we got married. There's no way around it so I don't see why you're so upset," said Draco, his voice seeping with annoyance. Without a word, Artemis turned sharply, storming up the stairs to the Head Boy's bedchamber and slamming the door behind her.

"Artemis!" whined Draco, dashing up the stairs in pursuit of his wife. When he reached his door he tried to open it only to find that it had been warded shut and that he couldn't get in. "Artemis... open the door."

"Go to hell!" she shouted, in return.

"Artemis, open the damn door. My, damn door!"

"..."

"Artemis, I'm not joking, open this door right now."

"..."

"You've got to be kidding me," whispered Draco, before storming down the stairs and out the portrait hole in pursuit of the Slytherin dorms. Once he was safely out of the room the door to the Head Girl's Suite creaked open and a very uneasy looking Hermione Granger stepped out. Quickly, she rushed up the staircase that led to Draco and Artemis' bedchamber and trepidly knocked at the door.

"Artemis, it's me, Hermione." Several moments later the heavy wooden door opened revealing a distraught Artemis. Seeing that her friend was upset, Hermione hurried inside closing the door behind her. "What's the matter?"

"Draco... what else?" answered a crying Artemis as she angrily wiped away her tears.

"What did he do this time?" asked Hermione, concerned that Draco had already managed to ruin their first day back at Hogwarts. She knew that it was only a matter of time before she had to witness one of the newlywed's arguments but she hadn't expected it to be so soon.

"Well, you know how pregnant witches aren't allowed at Hogwarts?" Hermione nodded, having heard of the rule before. "Since we would be married the Headmaster said that as long as Draco and I were in the privacy of our own room we would be able to... act as married people do. However, he made it really clear that no child was to be conceived. If I did get pregnant, both Draco and I would be expelled," said Artemis, her voice wavering slightly, as she was still quiet upset.

"Are you pregnant?" gasped Hermione, her hands shooting up to cover her mouth, in shock.

"No!" assured Artemis, quickly. "Why, do I look fat or something?"

"No, of course not, but you had me wondering for a moment there," replied Hermione, as she reached out and took her friends hand, hoping to comfort her in some small way.

"I told Professor Dumbledore that he didn't need to worry about my getting pregnant because Draco and I would remain celibate while we were at school," said Artemis, her tears finally subsiding.

"Really? So, you and Draco won't be..." began Hermione

"I hadn't planned on our having sex but I didn't think I'd enjoy myself as much as did. So, that plan kind of went out of the window after our wedding night. But even still, I don't have any intention on getting pregnant just yet. But Dumbledore said that they would have to check to make sure I wasn't with child. Basically, they wouldn't take my word for it. So, after dinner Professor Snape said that the Headmaster wanted to see us and when we got there he took us all the way over to the hospital wing without telling us why. When we get there Madame Pomfrey is sitting in her office with Professor Flitwick, Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall. Then the Headmaster starts lecturing us on our responsibilities as Prefect and Head Boy, and how improper it would be if I were to become pregnant by the Head Boy, and then both us be dismissed from school. Then Pomfrey said that she had to examine me to make sure that I was already pregnant. The entire time they were acting like I had done something wrong. Like my being married was a mortal sin or something."

"Really, I would understand their acting like that if you and Draco weren't married but you are. Even the most traditional wizards and witches don't usually interfere with married couples," said Hermione, unable to believe that their Professor's had handled this situation so poorly.

"Yeah, well, that didn't seem to stop them. The worst part about it, aside from the embarrassment of having four of your professor's watch you have a gynecological exam, was the fact that my husband excused himself. The only other person who left was Professor Snape."

"Snape left? I figured he'd be the most obnoxious about the entire situation," scoffed the Head Girl.

"No, he was really nice about it actually. He said that it wasn't any of his business and that he was confident that his contraceptus was potent enough. But Draco was a complete ass. He actually had the audacity to say that "it had nothing to do with him"." shouted Artemis, violently running her finger's through her long curls, out of frustration.

"Wow. Draco's said and done a lot of stupid things but I think that may have been the dumbest," declared Hermione, as she hugged her friend tightly, unable to believe that Draco could always find a way to say something unbelievably awful.

"Like I'd want to bring another one of him into this world!" laughed Artemis, beginning to feel better after having vented to Hermione.

"Look, I know that you're married to an idiot... a very intelligent idiot, but an idiot none the less. Regardless of what he says, no matter how terrible it is, I know he love's you. He was probably just horribly uncomfortable with the situation and the only way he knew to handle it was to run. He's not used to having to be there for someone. It's going to take him a while to start thinking in terms we, rather than me, but eventually he will," assured Hermione, wondering to herself why she was defending her former nemesis.

"I suppose you're right," whispered Artemis, beginning to feel bad about locking Draco out of his own room.

"Do you really want to spend your first night back at Hogwarts alone?" Hermione asked, already knowing the answer.

"No. I know it's only been two weeks but I've already gotten used to his being there with me. I don't think I'd be able to sleep without him," Artemis said, looking around the grande empty room.

"Then why don't you go get your husband. He probably went to the Slytherin dorms."

"Thanks, Mione," shouted Artemis, as she dashed out of the dorm hoping that she could remember just how to get to the Slytherin wing of the castle.

"Hey," huffed Hermione, as she looked around the Head Boy's bedchamber. "His bookcases are larger than mine!"

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I WAS PLANNING ON HAVING THIS CHAPTER CONSIST OF WHAT THEY DID ON THEIR TWO WEEK HONEYMOON, BUT I DIDN'T SEE HOW TO DO THAT, WITHOUT HAVING TO INCREASE THE RATING, SO I DECIDED TO JUST BREEZE OVER IT AND THEN GO STRAIGHT TO THEIR RETURN TO HOGWARTS.

JUST SO YOU KNOW, THE REMAINING CHAPTERS OF THIS STORY, WILL BE SHORTER, THAN THE PREVIOUS ONES. THEY SHOULD ALSO BE MORE FREQUENT, AS FIVE PAGES IS MUCH QUICKER TO WRITE, THAN TWELVE.

THE NEXT CHAPTER WILL CONSIST OF THE REMAINDER OF THEIR TIME AT HOGWARTS, AND WILL LEAD INTO THEIR MARRIED LIFE AFTER GRADUATING, THEIR CAREERS AND BABIES : ) I CAN'T WAIT TO WRITE ABOUT THE BIRTH OF THEIR FIRST CHILD, I'VE GOT SOME PRETTY GOOD MATERIAL STORED AWAY IN MY HEAD, FOR HOW DRACO WILL COPE. (I DON'T SEE HIM FAIRING TO WELL, WHEN HE'S UP AGAINST FLUCTUATING HORMONES.)

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