Title: My Power, My Pleasure, My Pain
Disclaimer: I own nothing…
Notes: This idea came to me while I was sitting in the rain listening to a mix CD of love songs and the such that a friend had made years ago. The title is from Seal's Like A Kiss From A Rose…one of the songs on the CD. Actually considering making this a series with the other female POV's and maybe the male ones too. Let me know what you think.
She hated rainstorms.
No matter what they were doing, he always stopped and did the same thing. It didn't matter if they were eating dinner, watching TV or sleeping. He'd even left her in the middle of sex once.
When the thunder got close and the rain started he'd go to the computer and load that playlist on his ipod before heading out to the front porch. He'd sit on the stairs listening as the rain fell down on him. He always seemed so oblivious to everything. She wondered where exactly he went when he was out there. Did he ever notice the rain falling on him? He'd sit there and she'd stand there, in the window watching him; hoping that this was the last time, that she could say something or do something to make him stop. When the playlist was over he'd stand up and walk right past her. His face streaked with water. She wondered whether it was tears or the rain that had left the moisture there. He'd go to the computer, delete the playlist from the ipod. Then he'd head to the spare bedroom where he'd spend the night. The next morning he was back to the loving Lucas she was used to.
The first time it had happened was right after they had moved into the apartment. They were getting ready for bed and he'd stopped at the sound of the thunder and the flash of the lighting. Back then, he'd at least told her he'd be right back. But he'd disappeared for 15 minutes and she had become worried; so she'd gone after him. She'd found him sitting on the front steps staring in to the night sky with his ipod on. She'd watched him and waited for him to come in, not sure how to interrupt him. When he'd finally stood up she'd opened the door for him with a smile on her face, ready to help him dry off. He didn't even glance at her, just walked right past her into the spare bedroom. She'd called out his name but he hadn't responded. Unsure of what to do she'd gone to their bedroom where she'd been unable to sleep.
The next morning she was pouring herself a cup a coffee when he'd walked into the kitchen. He'd stepped up behind her, putting his arms around her. Kissing her neck, he'd said, "Morning." The same way he'd greeted her every morning since they'd moved in. She turned to him, a question in her eyes as she'd said, "Lucas, about last night..." He'd interrupted her though, "Don't Peyton, just don't, Ok?" He'd said it harshly turning away and heading into the bathroom. She had just stared after him not sure of how to respond. Over the next few days though he treated her normally, without any mention of the night. Soon, she'd forgotten the oddity of it, writing it off as a one time thing.
And then the next rainstorm happened, this time while they were curled up watching a movie on the couch. He'd done exactly the same thing and when she brought it up the next morning he'd said the same thing, "Don't Peyton, just don't, Ok?" She had no idea what was going on. But when she was alone and she'd pulled up the playlist, it was then she'd understood.
The playlist was filled with artists neither she nor Lucas cared for. There was only one person she knew who would have made a playlist consisting of 98 Degrees, Backstreet Boys, John Mayer, Elton John, All 4 One, Boyz II Men. Brooke. That was the moment she knew he wasn't really over her best friend, he was just pretending. He just couldn't pretend in the rain.
So, she started to pretend too. She ignored the behavior, pretended it wasn't odd for her boyfriend to act like that and soon it was just part of their routine. Coffee together in the morning, weekly dinner with Karen, monthly dinner with Haley and Nathan, sex every Sunday night, Lucas crying in the rain.
Two years later, she hated rainstorms, but she didn't hate Brooke. Couldn't hate the girl who still held the heart of the man she loved. No, two years after that first rainstorm she hated rainstorms and she hated herself. She hated herself for admitting to Brooke 5 years ago that she still loved Lucas. Because she knew that was why Brooke had run from Lucas, because Brooke was scared he'd choose her. Brooke had tried to take the choice away from him. And to the outside world it looked like she succeed.
But Peyton knew he'd never loved her, he'd always loved Brooke, still did. As much self-loathing as she had, one emotion was stronger, desire. Her desire to keep the one thing she loved the most. So, she pretended to not notice the rainstorms and she pretended to not notice as her boyfriend slipped farther and farther away from her at each one. She loved him and maybe if they pretended enough one day they'd wake up and believe he loved her.