A/N: I have returned with a final update before the weekend... Tomorrow, I'm heading up to Traverse City, MI, to explore the area and photograph stuff. That's a whole different story, though, 'cause you're here to read this! Thanks to my, like, three wonderful reviewers for the third chapter... I don't know about you, but I hate it when I have more alerts than reviews on a story... just something that bugs me from time to time. I've been guilty of the same thing, of course, but I try not to do that anymore.

Warnings: Confused Sirius, not many POV changes, and that's really all. Oh, and heaven forbid, a little bit of drama. As of this chapter onward, the pace of the story picks up, I promise!

Disclaimer: Still don't own anything. I might be getting my own copy of the books sometime soon, though...

Enjoy!

Planning, Plotting, and Pranking -- Chapter Four
POV – Sirius

In the darkened gloom of an early November morning, I watched Remus poke his fork at a plate stacked high with scrambled eggs. "I am buggering tired," he declared in an incoherent mumble. "Bloody, buggering, fucking tired." Remus wasn't the type to swear – at least, not that much, so I watched with a fatigued interest. "And I hate Mondays."

I gave him a hearty slap on the back – something I knew he didn't appreciate too much, and said, as joyfully as possible, "Well, I do, too, but you don't see me complaining about it!"

"Shove it, I've got a buggering headache," he grumbled, and took a sip of what I hoped – for his sake – was caffeinated tea.

I didn't take the hint. "It's not your time of the month, is it?"

Remus flashed me a death glare – something that I hadn't known he was capable of. "I believe we've already been over this, ad nauseum."

"Moony, it's too early for Latin." He didn't respond, and instead shoved a forkful of scrambled eggs into his mouth. I sighed and decided to pour myself some tea – with Remus in his present state, it would be of no use to try and carry on a conversation with him. I glanced about our table: James was half-asleep, sitting in his seat like a stone while Lily rambled on and on about why it was cruel to make fun of people (I assumed she was referring to Snivellus); Peter was snoring, his head nodding dangerously close to a piece of toast lathered with strawberry jam. I brought my eyes back to Remus, who was glaring amber daggers at me – and it took me completely by surprise. "What?"

"I have a hangover."

"Wha – since when do you get that drunk, Moony?"

"I don't," he grumbled. "Someone spiked my tea with Firewhiskey last night and I think I know who it was."

I held my hands up, attempting to show my innocence. "Hey, whoa, if you're blaming me, Remus, you are so wrong." Although, really, he wasn't, and I knew that. The night before, there had been much revelry in the Gryffindor common room, what, with Lily's extended, supposedly library-related absence. The Marauders had been back to their true form, and we had celebrated our brief taste of freedom with Firewhiskey and Butterbeer and other rather illicit drinks. Remus never drank enough of anything to get truly shitfaced – although I'd seen him tipsy plenty of times and it was an amusing sight. He had already looked rather woozy when I dumped a fair amount of Firewhiskey in a pot of tea he'd been brewing, and the rest was history – Remus had gotten drunk off his arse and had started to do a striptease by the time Lily had appeared in the doorway, horror showing on her face. Angrily, she had intervened and kindly showed the half-undressed Remus to his room. Which was unfortunate for the rest of us, because it'd been funny as hell.

And hot.

Which, to me, felt really weird to think.

In fact –

"Sirius."

Remus' voice slashed through my thoughts and I jerked my head up, almost snapping my neck. "Huh?"

"It was you, wasn't it?"

I chewed on my lower lip, trying not to smile and cringe at the same time – the last thing I needed, really, was Remus' lack of trust. "I didn't mean to put that much in," I admitted, and that was the truth. "The bottle, uh, kind of slipped."

He rolled his eyes and ran a hand through his hair. "What the fuck did I do, Sirius?"

"Nothing," I lied. "I mean… okay, you did kinda do some stupid shit, but we were all doing stupid shit – hell, even Frank got tipsy." I sighed, feeling horrible all of a sudden, but I wasn't about to elaborate on the previous night's activities. "You have my most sincere apologies, Moony. I mean it. Truce?"

Remus grumbled something and took a long gulp from his cup of tea. "I guess I don't even want to know." He paused, flashed me a look that I couldn't quite discern, and said, "Truce, Padfoot."

That brightened my outlook for the rest of the day, and happily, I helped myself to a plateful of hash browns.

--

Potions gave the Marauders another opportunity to defy both Lily and Professor Slughorn, and, even better, the chance to annoy the hell out of Snape. I wasn't exactly sure of what we were supposed to be brewing – and, for once, it looked like Remus didn't know (or care), either. The dull pain of his hangover was finally starting to wear off (he had refused to see Madame Pomfrey for a cure), but I wouldn't have known, because he was more quiet and reserved than ever. "Do you know what we're supposed to be doing, Moony?"

"No idea," he said. Still curious about Remus' general silence, I craned my neck over the empty cauldron to see what he was up to. His gaze met mine. "Something bothering you, Sirius?"

"Just… looking," I said lamely, and gestured to the parchment that lay in front of him, its corners covered in doodles. "I've never seen you this quiet before, I guess."

Remus smiled, somewhat. "I guess I've just been thinking… a lot. Kind of like what you were doing yesterday. Going over the Plan a little, trying to remember what the hell happened last night, wondering why you've been acting a little… strange in the past few days." He shrugged. "That's all. I'm not mad at you or anything, if that's what you think."

I heaved a sigh of relief. "Oh, good – I thought you were about to bite my head off, or something." I was going to elaborate – about me acting, as Remus had put it, 'strange' – but a sudden sputtering, vomiting sound came from behind us, and we both wheeled around just in time to see a repulsive, orangey liquid ooze from the cauldron that Peter and James were sharing. It emitted the unpleasant aroma of sweaty socks, causing the class to laugh, Snivellus to scowl, and me to whisper "Disgusting," to Remus.

"Revolting," he agreed.

While James dashed around the room, flailing his arms frantically to try and draw Slughorn's attention (and failing spectacularly), Peter stared at the barf-colored semi-solid that was beginning to burn through the desk. "Should I be worried?"

Chuckling, I turned back around in my seat and stared at the ingredients listed in chalk on the blackboard. "This is stupid. Why on my life would I give a flying fuck about a potion that's supposed to give you a 'brilliant singing voice'?" I leaned closer to Remus and murmured, "If you ask me, it's about time for old Sluggy to retire."

"I suppose so," he said, "but I think we ought to get started on the potion, before Snape tries it on himself."

The thought of Snivellus serenading the class in falsetto made me shudder, and I started to slice and dice the cricket legs right away. The idea seemed to deeply disturb Remus, as well, for he was fervently filing away at a bicorn, its pulverized dust floating into the cauldron. While we worked in silence – periodically entertained by Peter's whimpers as the oozing stuff crept closer to him – it gave me time to think, and I had no doubt that Remus was doing the same. Acting a little strange, I mused, feeling a frown cross my face. Damn right I'm acting a little strange. I don't even know what the bugger's wrong with me. To even think that the thoughts of 'Remus' and 'hot' crossed my mind in the same sentence! Talk about obsessive…

The time wore on, Remus and I both thought in silence, and we didn't finish our potion – luckily, nor did anyone else. The entire class seemed preoccupied with one thing or another – even Snivellus, who always managed to complete the assignments on time, looked distracted. The hour ended, and Remus and I were first to bolt out of the classroom. "There were a lot of whisperings going on in there," he said, looking maddeningly calm.

"Yeah?" I asked. "What did your super wolf-hearing pick up this time?"

"Rumors of a plot," Remus said thickly. "Of the Mother of All Pranks."

I hissed a series of swear words, then grumbled, "I know you haven't been leaking the details of our Plan, right?"

"I'd never do that."

"And neither would I!" I proclaimed, crossing my arms over my chest. "Even under the influence of alcohol. I wonder if someone else is brewing up something… unpleasant."

"James, maybe?"

"Nah, Evans wouldn't let him do such a horrid thing." We climbed the stairs up from the dungeons, heading for the greenhouses. "Snivellus, maybe?"

"Snape, plotting a prank?" Remus looked skeptical. "Then again, stranger things have been known to happen…" I could swear he'd given me a look after saying this, but I chose to ignore it.

--

Herbology passed by uneventfully, except for the brief interlude of entertainment when James flung a lump of mud at Lucius Malfoy (who had uncharacteristically retaliated and thrown a clump of dirt back, hitting a livid Lily Evans in the face), which caused them both to receive a detention that night.

--

At lunch, sitting across the table from Remus, I was more pensive than ever. I was still trying to rationalize my thoughts – I was drunk at the time, I reminded myself; anything would have been hot. This explanation only satisfied me for a fleeting moment, and soon, I was scratching my chin in thought, once again trying to find an answer.

I like girls, I told myself rather lamely.

You haven't slept with one in over a month.

Shut the bugger up.

"You're talking to yourself again," Remus observed lightly, biting into a piece of toast.

I glanced up at him. "Oh. I'll – I'll try not to." Stupid reply, but I was buried far too deeply in my thoughts to care. You haven't even flirted with a girl for several weeks, a voice inside scolded. Haven't had time, which was a horrible and completely untrue justification. Haven't had time, and besides, I'm just not that interest –

Ah.

Shit, that's not how it was supposed sound.

Still, this second Freudian Slip made the first seem legit, and I was suddenly more confused than ever. I wanted to say something, so that I wouldn't be stuck with these thoughts – but, for the first time in my life, I could think of nothing to say. Please, Moony, say something, rescue me! But Remus said nothing, either; he was staring at me awkwardly, and I was staring right back, and there was this gaping span of silence between us. Thoughts raged loudly inside my head: You're a poofter, Sirius.

No, I'm not!

You're obsessed with him.

Bullocks to that!

You l-o-o-o-o-ve him!

As a fucking friend!

Enter the third Freudian Slip of the day. I sighed miserably and flicked my gaze away from Remus. And, all of a sudden, I noticed the effect he had on me: my heart was pounding rapidly inside my ribcage; I could feel the heat of a blush spread across my face; I couldn't think of anything to say.

Thankfully, at that moment, Remus intervened. "You look like you're turning green, Sirius."

This quiet observation was enough to haul me out of my thoughts, and I flashed him an appreciative, albeit queasy smile. "Thanks, Moony – er, must be the porridge or something."

"Something?" Remus asked amusedly. "I'll give you something. Something's wrong with you."

I coughed. The werewolf was ever-perceptive, even though a blind person could have seen my most recent spasm of thoughts. I tried to smile and said, "I do not deny it, my friend. Something is wrong with me, and I have begun the quest to hunt down and destroy whatever it might –"

"Sirius."

"Yeah?"

"Snape is standing behind you, holding a bowl of hot porridge precariously over your head."

--

POV – Remus

I don't think I'll ever be able to forget Sirius' shrill cries of My hair! My hair! that resonated through the Great Hall that afternoon.

Severus wasn't exactly well-known for starting things like that, and especially not in such a crude, magic-free manner. Sirius, though, was proficient at ending things, and he ended this particular incident with a well-placed punch to Severus' face – another method non-magical. Both boys escaped without a detention – a feat glorious and improbable in itself.

"Did you see what that wanker did to my hair?" Sirius hissed on our way to History of Magic. "Luckily, a little scourgify was enough to clean it up, but still –"

"Relax, Sirius," I grumbled, placing a hand on his shoulder. "He got what he deserved."

"A one-way ticket to Madame Pomfrey, I'll say! Bugger." He shot me dry look and said, "Wonderful how he won't even go near you, these days. You're lucky."

"Of course, that's all thanks to you and your stupid Shrieking Shack prank." I tossed a half-hearted glare Sirius' way. "Which was not funny by any means and if I hadn't had the threat of being put down, I probably would have killed you for it."

"At least some good came out of it," Sirius pressed. "Snivellus is scared of you and that's good enough for me."

I chuckled. "And the direct result of this is the fact he'll be sending twice as much hatred your way."

"I know," the other boy said with a tone of dramatic bravado in his voice, and he threw an arm around my shoulders. "Anything to protect my Moony from the evils of Snivellus!"

Yes, Sirius was definitely getting stranger. Not that I minded.

--

History of Magic was the same dull drivel that it always was. I could hardly fault Professor Binns, even if he looked like he'd kick the bucket on a whim – although I doubted that even death would prevent him from continuing his dry lectures. The material, no matter how much more boring he made it, was still boring in itself. Throughout most of the class, Sirius slept. Peter had sneaked a muffin into the room and was taking quick bites from it; James kept nodding off, though icy glares from Lily seemed to keep him focused, if only for a few minutes at a time. It was a class we shared with the Ravenclaws, so without the presence of the Slytherins, it was even more tedious.

--

That night, James was absent, spending his evening in detention with Professor Sprout and Lucius Malfoy. Which really had to be a horrible experience for Professor Sprout. Anyway, because of this, Lily was gone – yet again – and it started to make me a little suspicious of her motives (even if suspecting her of something seemed absolutely ridiculous). Perhaps she had a test coming up in one of her super-hard classes (a class that the Marauders would never take), but I was still somewhat skeptical. Sirius didn't seem to notice, though – he was too busy relaying to me his new ideas concerning our upcoming Plan.

"Be quiet. Peter'll hear you if you don't shut up," I grumbled, as I stretched out on the sofa in the common room, trying to take up as much space as possible. Several younger Gryffindors were sharing the room with us, but they seemed to be busy with their studies – something that in all of his previous six years at Hogwarts Sirius had deemed "unnecessary."

"Being quiet is something I am rarely capable of, Moony, and you know that." He eyed the couch that I was filling, and added, "Besides, Wormtail's asleep upstairs and you know for a fact that he can't hear above his own snoring. Now move the bugger over."

"No."

"Remus, you make it so hard, sometimes."

I couldn't help but smirk, and knowing exactly what I was doing, said, "I'm sure I do."

Sirius' eyes flashed with an unmistakable understanding, and he tried to mask his surprise with a scowl. "You are full of shit." That said, he sat on my knees. Which hurt a lot.

Yes, Sirius, I know exactly what is going on inside your head, and it's quite amusing to watch you attempt to figure it all out. I winced under his weight and sighed, "Sirius, if you'd kindly stand up, I will move my legs."

"That takes all the fun out of it," he responded with a grin.

Very amusing, indeed.

--

POV – Sirius

He knows. Oh, bugger, the bastard knows. I had retreated from the common room up to my bed, and for the longest time, I sat there, at the foot of the mattress, thinking and fretting and worrying my arse off. Knows what, exactly? I asked myself. What is there to know? Do I even know what there is to know? I decided I didn't. Either that, or I was too much of a pansy to admit anything to myself. And that was probably the truth. With a pitiful groan, I pulled myself up from the floor and collapsed onto my unmade bed. Peter was snoring louder than I'd ever heard him snore before and under no circumstance could I sleep in this environment. As a human, that is. And so I yawned one last time before transforming into a dog – and almost instantly slipped into a deep slumber.

--

Amazingly, no one woke me up – not even James, upon his return from detention – and I stayed that way all night.

In the surprise of a lifetime, I was the first to wake up – at the amazing time of four o'clock. Still a dog, I jumped off my bed and landed on the floor without a sound, and in the blackness of a November morning, surveyed the other four boys who were still asleep in the room. Frank Longbottom – the only one who had his bed curtains drawn shut – was mumbling incoherent words in his slumber, and I let him be. Peter was still snoring just as loudly as he had been several hours before, and James was laying face-down on his pillow, making me wonder how the hell he could breathe, or if he was even alive at all. Bugger Prongs, I thought, and turned my attention to Remus. He was sleeping peacefully and was therefore a perfect target. With a running leap, I crashed onto his bed, pawing at his form as he writhed beneath me, swear words and curses of all sorts flying out of his mouth.

"Fuckyou," came his slurred speech, "fuckyou, Sir'us, tryin' to buggerin' molest me in th' mornin'."

I barked in appreciation, forgetting about the three boys who remained asleep, then did what any dog would do, and licked Remus' face.

He didn't appreciate that too much, but it woke him up considerably. "Disgusting, Padfoot!" Remus sighed, and stopped twisting in his sheets, seeming to give up. "I'm tired. Then again, I know that when you're in your dog form, you can't get a word in edgewise and I can say whatever the hell I want until you transform." He shot me an evil-looking smirk, and I knew that I would have to turn back to my normal self, or suffer the witty (albeit tired) wrath of Remus Lupin. "I'll give you five seconds before I drop the Big Question on you, Sirius."

Big Question? I didn't want to know what that was (though I had some sort of idea), and in an instant, as Remus began his countdown, I turn back into the Sirius Black whom everyone knew me as. "Good morning, Remus!"

"Hello, Sirius. It's four o'clock in the morning and I do believe you are sitting on top of me on my bed."

That simple statement was enough to make me dive off Remus' mattress, and when I hit the floor, I was sorely wishing that I was still in my dog form.

"Will you two shut up?" The grumble came from James' bed. So, he was alive, after all. "Bloody runnin' around and jumpin' everywhere at – what time is it – fuckin' hell! It's four in the fuckin' mornin'!"

I sat on the end of my bed and pointed at Remus. "He started it!"

"I bloody well did not!" Remus shouted back. "You jumped on me!"

Peter's snoring broke off, and I was sure we had woken him up, too. "I couldn't help it, Moony! You were sleeping and you looked so vulnerable and adorable –" I did not just say that.

"It's too early, Sirius," James scolded. "Stop your bullshit and go back to sleep. And leave Remus the hell alone." Leaning forward, he yanked his curtains shut, swearing angrily and tiredly behind them

I didn't listen to whatever James had just mumbled. Instead, I was sitting stock-still on my bed, a look of horror on my face, as the realization of what I'd just proclaimed started to settle in. I buggering said that Remus was adorable. I hoped to whatever High Being who was watching over us that no one had noticed – Peter and Frank still seemed to be asleep, James hadn't said anything about it, and Remus –

Oh, shit, Remus.

I eased myself back under my sheets, hoping that he would ignore me and not say anything, hoping he hadn't heard, hoping –

"Sirius, come here."

Shit.

I sighed, climbed out of my bed, and gingerly crossed the room to where Remus was sitting on the side of his mattress, not looking so tired anymore. He ran a hand through his mussed-up hair and yawned.

"Sorry, Moony."

As I took a seat next to him, he smiled, barely visible in the twilight. "Sorry for what?"

My first answer was a shrug. I really didn't know what I was apologizing for, only that I knew I had to apologize for something. Then I groaned, and scratched my forehead, and fidgeted, knowing that I had to come up with something to say. Finally, "I'm sorry for being such a buggering poofter, lately."

Silence.

I couldn't believe what had just come out of my mouth. Never had that thought, in those words, actually crossed my mind, and here, all of a sudden, I was telling this to Remus. There was another moment or two of stifling silence, before the boy sitting next to me finally spoke.

"You don't have to be sorry about that," Remus said quietly. Neither of us said anything for several minutes, so he added, even more softly, "It's too early, Sirius. Go back to sleep."

And I did. Though, really, it wasn't all that restful.

To be continued...
A/N: Chapter four, in the books. Be warned that in the next couple of chapters, there's slightly (okay a lot) more drama than there is humor. Sorry, really, I am -- but it was kinda... necessary? I dunno. But, I mean -- you know just as well as I do that everything will be hilarious in the end. Anyway, thanks for reading, and please please do review, as it's wonderful to turn on my computer and see an inbox full of stuff that isn't spam! Thanks again... and you'll see chapter five in several days!

-mo