A'N: This is the last chapter, so I hope you guys enjoy it. Thanks to everyone for reviewing. I enjoyed writing it, it was very therapeutic for me.
It's been seven months since Katie's funeral. We went, it was hard, but we went. It's weird how sometimes, things happen and you want to die, but it makes you strong in the end. When I got raped, I wanted to die. And I eventually saw two different ways of dealing. Well, I lived one of them, and saw the other. Mine wasn't perfect, I have the scars to prove that, the scars everyone can see. And I saw Katie's. She came off as so carefree, so liberated. But she wasn't. She was doing worse than I was. She was going down, but no one saw. I couldn't have, I barely knew her. I just grabbed onto her as someone who could save me, because she had, in my mind, saved herself. And I just tried to do whatever she did. I tried sleeping with any guy I saw, and I wasn't able to. She was. My therapist, Dr. Silver, said it's because she was looking for recognition, to know that she was still wanted. I still don't understand it, but I didn't live it.
Steven was right, therapy is helping. I go twice a week, two hour sessions. I've been sober for six months, no drugs, no alcohol, no cutting. Dr. Silver checks my wrists every session. I've gotten used to showing someone what I did to myself. At first I started bawling because I thought she was send me away, she would think I was crazy. But she didn't, she helped me.
Steven and I have gotten closer. Donna says he likes me, I say she's insane, it's kind of like a running gag we have. But I can't help wanting him to like me. Not like I normally want guys to want me, I want him to be in love with me, to actually like me. He's actually tried to help me. And I feel good about that. I've never really been shy about asking for help, but since I got raped, 'help' hasn't been in my vocabulary. Sure, in my mind I was thinking about stuff that could help me, but I never vocalized just how desperate I was. I never told Steven that I hit rock bottom that day he found out I was cutting, I never said that I wanted to die that day. But he said that I was scaring him.
But thinking about it, about how good he was to me, when just before everything he hated me, I could picture him having feelings for me. Maybe it's wishful thinking, and I'm just diluting myself into thinking something could happen. I've been doing that since he got arrested so I wouldn't get caught, and it's been worse since the 'Labor Day Miracle.' I've just finally let myself feel it. I've been afraid to fall again, I still am. I guess he tripped me.
He's been good for me. I never thought I would say that. At first, I resented him trying to help. He's had plenty of issues himself, if I needed therapy, wouldn't he? I said that once. Then he said no asshole ever forced himself on him, so I need it more. But I know there was more to it. He just didn't want me to be upset, and he finally got me to look at myself. I was too thin, I looked anorexic. My hair wasn't as pretty as it was before, my arms looked horrible with the bunches of bracelets I was wearing to cover up my habit. Black is not my color. I looked like a stranger. I barely recognized myself. And I was looking at the in the mirror everyday for months. But I never thought of it. I never thought I could get help. I never thought anyone would want me after they learned about what happened. I was convinced that once a guy found out about me, about how sex is difficult for me, he'd leave. He'd be like Bud, or a male version of my mother, and just leave when things got rough. But after my sessions with Dr. Silver, I've finally accepted that guys aren't always going to want me. But there are some guys who are willing to help. She told me that I had to trust guys again. And I'm, getting there.
Steven's been letting me stay in the basement with him at night. He's been getting paranoid, he's acting like the paranoid, over protective boyfriend. And I love it. he keeps saying that 'I'm too small and too girly to stay in a big house alone' and that 'anything could happen.' I'm 'too stubborn' to admit it, he says. And he's right. I know that I could use his help. I don't want to admit it, but I sometimes do. It's been great from the beginning. I left to go get some clothes, my shampoo and conditioner, (Steven uses the two in one shampoo, and that is never going to touch my hair,) everything I needed. And I snuck back in around 12.
"Did you go get your car detailed before you came over here?" Steven asked when I walked into his tiny, cramped room.
"What does that mean?" I asked. He looked at me with that 'you must be joking' expression, but I seriously had no clue what he was talking about. I still don't know what 'car detailing' is.
"Never mind. What took you so long?"
"I had to pick out clothes. With a wardrobe as big as mine, it's difficult to decide what to wear. Not all of us are limited to making a decision based on wanting to wear a black shirt or a grey shirt, then being ready to go." And I had to make sure I found long sleeves to wear to bed. But that was a little detail that I didn't think he wanted to know about.
"Whatever. What do you want to do?"
"I'm kind of tired. I'm just gonna go change and then, can we just go to bed?"
"Sure."
I grabbed my bag and went by the couch to change. I sat down and looked at my let arm. I wasn't perfect anymore. I started to put my clothes into my bag and walked back into Steven's room before I started to cry. Then we went to sleep.
And it's run that smoothly pretty much every night. Sure there are some small arguments over pillow space, which was solved when I brought my own unicorn pillow over, or someone hogging the bed and blanket (which is always Steven, he just won't admit it.)
It's another night where I have to leave at 10 and then find something to do to waste my time until 12. I decided to just walk around the park, then go to my place and pack my clothes for tonight and tomorrow.
It's so peaceful at night, no screaming kids, or guys tackling each other. It's just the flowers, and the jungle gym, everything's nice and quiet.
"Jackie!" Someone shouted behind me. Maybe it's not so quiet. I turned around and saw Hannah. Great.
"Hannah, hi."
"Where've you been? No one's seen you all summer, and it's the day before the last day of summer."
"I've been ok, I guess. What about you?"
"Honestly? Me and Audrey have been talking about some things, and well, thank you. We got together last month, but it's very, very, hush, so please, don't go telling Kelso."
"I won't. Congratulations."
"So have you heard the stunning news?"
"What stunning news?"
"Matt Helton has shipped off to boarding school, during his senior year. I mean come on, sure, it's his second one, but it's still senior year."
"Where?"
"I don't know, probably some place with a bunch of snow."
"Well, at least he's gone."
"Pardon? Why is good that one of the best looking guys is shipped off to the North Pole?"
"I didn't like him. He is such a loser. I better get going, I'll see on the first day back."
"Ok… well, bye, remember, don't tell anyone!" she said.
"I won't," I said, and I meant it. Then I turned away, but not just from Hannah. I turned away from any information on Matt. I don't care. I've closed that chapter of life. It's done, and there's no point in dwelling on it. I learned that in therapy. Now, I'm on the recovery stage. A stage that's long overdue.
I walked back to Steven's house and walked inside, as usual. I found Steven sitting on his bed, and I went over there. "What are you thinking about?"
"Nothing," he said. He was lying.
"Bull. You're lying."
"So what if I am?"
"Just say it, I know it has to do with me, I can tell. I want to know." Silence. He wasn't talking. "Just tell me."
And he didn't. But he did do something. He kissed me. "Happy?" he asked.
"Yea. I am. I knew you liked me."
"Shut up. Well, now you can change. Preferably in here. And not because I like you, you're just hot and I like seeing hot girls naked."
"Nice try," I said as I grabbed my clothe. In all honesty, if I didn't have scars, I would've changed in there.
"Because of your arm?" I stopped. I didn't expect that.
"What?"
"I saw it already. I don't mind it, I mean, if you're uncomfortable, then whatever, but I don't think you're insane."
"Ok." I had no idea what to say. "When did you see?" I didn't turn to face him, I don't know why.
"You hit me in your sleep. Well not hit hit, but you put your arm on me, so I went to move it and I saw."
"You don't think I'm ugly?"
"I think you're hot. Your attitude and interests aren't as hot, but you are. A guy would be crazy to turn down a night with you."
I knew what he really meant. Well, what I decided he really meant. He loves me. And decided it for me. I changed in his room that night. And it was a huge step for me. I'm a work in progress, but I am getting better. And now I have someone who will help me, because he loves me.