A/N: I've returned from my fabulous trip up north, and I've got Chapter Five ready for all you wonderful readers!

Warnings: Same old, same old. There might be a few surprises in this one... or not. Oh, yeah, there's hardly anything funny about this chapter... Mostly drama. Sirius at his worst... That's all.

Disclaimer: Guess what? I finally bought all six of the Harry Potter books! Actually, to be fair, my mother did, and a couple days passed by before she remembered to tell me. That said, alas, I am not J. K. Rowling and will never be.

Enjoy!

Planning, Plotting, and Pranking -- Chapter Five
POV – James

Sirius didn't show up at any of our classes that morning, and as I sat in the Great Hall, eating lunch with Lily and Remus and Peter, all I could do was wonder where the bugger he was. Maybe I had been too angry with him earlier, when he'd woken us all up at the ghastly hour of four in the morning – then again, he'd deserved it, and besides, we were all too tired to know what was going on. Thinking about it, I could barely even remember what I'd said to him. Nothing too bad, if I can't recall it, I thought. Still, Sirius hadn't shown up at breakfast, nor at Charms or Defense Against the Dark Arts – and it was beginning to worry me. Without his presence, our end of the table was uncharacteristically quiet, and everyone, it seemed, noticed. This only added more fuel to the necessity of the Mother of All Pranks that Peter and I were planning.

I sighed loudly, in an unsuccessful attempt to break the silence. Remus was looking more preoccupied than usual – although, I'm sure that we all were – and he was staring dismally at the food on his plate. "Moony, you alright?"

He glanced up at me, then shrugged. "I don't know. I suppose so."

It wasn't the answer I really wanted to hear, so I asked, "You know what's up with Padfoot?"

Remus frowned. "I might. Although it is strange for him to skip both his classes and his meals." He paused for a moment to take a bite from his salad, and added, sounding quasi-hopeful, "He's probably still in bed. I'll go up there in a few minutes and try to work some sense out of him."

I nodded. "You do that – he's been a little out of whack lately, if you know what I mean."

"I do."

Sirius was out of whack. On Sunday, he'd been more giddy and obnoxious than ever, and on Monday, he'd been contemplative and almost secretive, and today – well, today,he was a no-show. This was a cause for concern, but Remus, it seemed, had everything figured out – like usual. If anything, Remus was out of whack, too – though this could probably be credited to the fact that Sirius was acting strange to begin with.

"James, I've got a friend who needs to talk to me." It was Lily, and I'd completely forgotten that she'd been sitting next to me. She leaned closer and said with a whispered half-grin, "I think it has to do with Severus and his awful name-calling."

"Oh, great, Snivellus has ruined someone else's life." I gave her a quick kiss on the cheek, and murmured, "Bye, Lily." She stood and walked away, a stack of books tucked under her arm. As soon as she disappeared, I flicked my glance back to Remus and said, "Think Sirius is messed up because of her?"

Remus shook his head. "He thought so, at first – I mean, maybe he is, I don't know. I know he feels that he can't do anything fun – namely, cause chaos – when she's around. But, really – I don't know what exactly is going on with him. Or maybe I do, it's just that –" Remus broke off and sighed, realizing that he wasn't making any sense. "I'm sorry. I'd better go and see what's wrong with him." That said, he looked around awkwardly, stood, and walked off.

I turned to Peter. "What's eating him?"

"I dunno. Seems to be a little bit flustered today."

I heaved a sigh, though it didn't exactly work because I had food in my mouth at the same time. "Bugger. I just don't understand why the hell everyone's acting so odd, lately. Even Lily has been rather secretive, don't you think?"

Peter nodded. "Uncharacteristically secretive. I asked a few other people who share classes with her – they don't have any tests coming up. So that whole 'I'm studying for exams' thing she's put out is completely bogus."

Groaning, I shoved my plate aside, not feeling so hungry anymore. "It's official. Everyone is going crazy except for me and you. I've got an idea, though – I've been thinking about our Mother of All Pranks that's coming up in a few days. During that stupid detention I had with Lucius last night, I thought up a few more details."

"Oh, good!"

"You know the ceiling in here?" I asked with a mischievous smirk. Today, the bewitched ceiling of the Great Hall was stormy and gray, an exact replica of the depressing weather outside. "I was thinking we could put a temporary spell of our own on it."

"Any idea of what?"

"Hearts and rainbows," I laughed. "And – and unicorns, too."

"We should work Snivellus into this plan somehow, too."

My face lit up with yet another brilliant realization. "Perfect, Wormtail! And I think I've got just the thing…"

--

POV – Sirius

All morning. I couldn't believe it. Was I that crazy – that I'd skip all of my morning classes and breakfast and lunch? Was I that desperately confused? I sighed, still sitting on the edge of my bed, in the same position I'd been in since everyone left to go to breakfast, hours earlier. I assured myself that I had to be going insane. There I was, sitting in the midday gloom of a November afternoon, with the horrible, nagging thought of I'm a poofter chasing through my head. No. No, of course I'm not. Straight as an arrow, I was. I liked girls. With some amount of horror, I realized I'd thought both of these things in the past tense.

If anyone's a poofter, it'd be Moony, not me. He basically said so himself, this morning!

I took a moment to think about that. No, he didn't, I told myself. And that's only because he thinks I'm one. And Remus is never wrong. Slouching even more, I sighed miserably and held my face in my hands. If I can't find a chick to tap in the next few hours, everything's lost.

There was a knock on the door, and I froze. Please be Frank, or James, or Peter – please, please, please don't be –

A moment later, Remus walked in, looking slightly perturbed. "Everyone's worrying their arses off, because of you," he said, and took a seat next to me. Our shoulders brushed, and the contact was absolutely maddening. "You know, you could fill us in on some of the details, so we won't all think you're clinically depressed."

"You know what's wrong with me," I grumbled, and said nothing more.

"Do I? I'm not so sure I do. Why don't you tell me again so that I'm not horribly mistaken and do something I might regret."

The significance of his words made my heart beat even quicker, and I groaned. He knew. "Moony, I'm having issues – well, okay, I know that's obvious, but…" My voice trailed off, and I hesitated, not sure of what I wanted to say. "Look, I think – I think I –" Why couldn't I say it? I treated the inescapable phrase like an Avada Kedavra – instant death. What the hell was my problem? "Remus, you know what I'm trying to say, and if you don't, then you're pretty dense, and I know you're not dense –"

"You're gay."

It wasn't a question. And it baffled me, how he had said it so simply, without any hesitation, as a statement. I shook my head. "I don't… I don't know."

Remus sighed, then shrugged. "Then think about it some more."

"James sent you up here, didn't he?"

"No. Although he is kind of worried."

"Don't tell him what's going on."

A shadow of a smirk flickered across Remus' face. "Marauders keeping secrets from one another? That's unheard of!" I was about to protest, but he quickly added, "You know I'm kidding. Don't worry. I won't tell Prongs a thing. Even if there's really nothing to tell at all."

"I'm sorry. I'm so fucked up right now."

"Obviously." Remus smiled kindly and said, "I haven't seen you so anguished in my six – going on seven – years of knowing you. The school's much quieter when you lock yourself away like this – and that's not always such a good thing."

"Would you care?"

"About…?"

I rolled my eyes – Remus was making me say this on purpose. "If I was a poofter."

He chuckled. "What do you think?"

I shrugged. "I don't know – unlike you, I don't possess the amazing and improbable ability to read unsuspecting minds."

This time, Remus laughed. "You know I can't do that – and Sirius, of course I wouldn't care! Here I am, a buggering werewolf, and I've faced discrimination of every kind all my life. Do you really think I'd ditch you if you happened to like blokes? I thought you were smarter than that, Padfoot."

"So did I." For the first time in hours, I smiled.

"You're coming to Transfiguration this afternoon, I hope."

I nodded. All of a sudden, I felt one hell of a lot better, and I wasn't exactly sure of why. "Yeah, I'll be there."

Remus headed for the door. "Class starts in fifteen minutes. See you then." Without waiting any longer, he left, and for several moments, I stared at the empty doorway, just wondering.

--

POV – Lily

Before today, I never would have guessed that a member of the male race – or, even more strangely, a group of the male race – could suffer mood swings. But when it came time for Transfiguration, Sirius had mysteriously re-appeared with a coy grin on his face and the Marauders were seemingly back in business – quite the contrast from lunch, which had only been minutes earlier. Of course, the sudden resurgence of laughter and snickers coming from James and Sirius only made Professor McGonagall angrier and the Slytherins with whom we shared the class surlier.

But I couldn't help but admit to myself that I thought some of their antics were funnier than hell.

Very un-Lily Evans-esque, but never mind that assumption – for in the past couple days, I'd been planning a small prank of my own, set to be executed on Sunday. No doubt it would astound James and Sirius, and perhaps force the school to show me a little more respect and reverence. As unlikely as it seemed, it truly was possible for me, Lily Evans, the Gryffindor Ice Queen and Hogwarts Head Girl, to sink as low as the Marauders and do a little pranking of my own. The idea of causing a wee bit of havoc was both frightening and delightful. Sure, I was a prefect, and prefects – hypothetically – just didn't engage in that kind of behavior. But Remus Lupin did – I knew for a fact that he helped James with most of his pranks on a daily basis (yet was always hesitant to admit his involvement) – so there was no reason why I couldn't cause a little bit of anarchy on my own.

So far, I'd dreamt up a few details for Sunday's prank – the idea of turning the floor of the Great Hall into a field of squelchy mud held a certain fondness for me, and I wasn't exactly sure of why. Even better, to show my disdain for the sport of Quidditch that James and Sirius so dearly loved, I decided I would have some fun with the pitch. I'd researched the Muggle sports of choice and had come up with quite a few interesting ideas – American football and soccer held playing fields that were very similar to that of Quidditch, but ice hockey and basketball were radically different. To make things as chaotic as possible, I'd decided that turning the pitch into a sheet of ice would be quite entertaining. What made it even better was I'd learned that the Slytherin Quidditch team had a practice early that morning.

"Miss Evans!" Professor McGonagall's voice sliced violently through my thoughts.

"Y-yes?" Behind me, James and Sirius were snickering their arses off, and I realized, with horror, that I must have been daydreaming.

"For the third time, will you please demonstrate to the class how to turn this owl into a fruit bowl."

Still feeling rather mischievous, I didn't try all too hard. Bowl sounded like toilet, and when all was said and done, a toilet seat with tiny, feathered wings fluttered about the classroom. James and Sirius almost fainted from laughter, and I was given a two-hour detention for that night.

Not bad at all, Lily.

--

POV – Remus

"Holy hell, I never knew Evans had it in her!" Sirius declared that evening. "And to think she's always telling me what to do!"

I shook my head and laughed. "I must admit, that was pretty funny. Do you really think she meant to do it on purpose, though?"

"Probably," James said with a smirk. "Otherwise, she shoulda been able to pull off that transfiguration just fine." He paused, then added, with a dramatic, sinister tone, "She's up to something."

"Yeah, she is," Peter agreed. "I was telling Prongs all that studying she's been doing – it's all bunk. She doesn't have any tests coming up."

"I wonder what she's planning," James mused, and took a gulp of Butterbeer.

"Most likely, a way to exterminate the Marauders," Peter grumbled.

While they imagined what sorts of evil Lily was engaging in, I noticed that Sirius had fallen silent. I was sharing the sofa with him again that night, and, unsurprisingly, he looked preoccupied. "What's bothering you?"

Sirius shrugged. "A lot of things. A certain thing. Everything."

"Way to be clear, Padfoot."

"Sorry."

"Want to talk about it upstairs?"

"Yes," he responded immediately – almost too immediately.

I sighed and staggered to my feet. "We're going upstairs to discuss Padfoot's newest love interest," I grumbled – drawing a surprised glare from Sirius. "We'll be back down later."

As we left a perplexed-looking James and Peter behind, Sirius hissed, "I can't believe you said that!"

"They'll either assume it's a girl or think I'm talking bullshit, so relax." We climbed the stairs and stumbled into the dormitory – much to Sirius' relief, no one else was there. "Sirius, you have my utmost attention and all the privacy in the world." With a flick of my wand, the door locked behind us. "Now what did you want to talk about?" In an instant, Sirius seized me by the shoulders and brought me into a kiss. If this is how you choose to vent your confusion, so be it… I let him deepen the kiss – with tongues and all – and the snog session soon turned from hesitant to fierce. Sirius' pale-blue eyes were open the entire time, staring directly into my calm gaze, and only when his hands began to roam down my body did I pull away, giving him an amused look. "Well…?"

Sirius blushed and smiled shyly. "I… I don't know. No different than kissing a girl, I guess."

"Oh, thanks a lot."

"I mean – I didn't mean it that way – but you know what I mean. I –" He trailed off. "I feel really stupid."

"Why?"

"Because – I don't even know if I'm – hell, I don't even know if you're –"

I smirked, never having seen Sirius so indecisive before. "That's for me to know and you to find out," I murmured, and unlocked the door with another flick of my wand. "I'm heading downstairs – something tells me old Sluggy's got a pop quiz in store for us tomorrow." I shot Sirius one last smirk before exiting the room. It was probably an unfair thing to do, to leave him hanging like that – but experience told me that giving a confused boy time to think was a good thing.

--

POV – Sirius

That evening, I didn't return to the common room. I knew that I had an assignment due in the morning for History of Magic – an essay concerning the common, historic Muggle misconceptions of witches and wizards, or something stupid like that – but at this moment, schoolwork was the least important thing in my life. I just kissed Remus, I thought queasily, taking a seat on the side of my bed. I just sodding kissed Remus. Everything else in the world was put on hold while I relived those twenty seconds of contact between us. He let me kiss him. And even after I'd run through the whole thing several times over, I still couldn't sort out my feelings – part of me wanted to kiss him again and again, but another part of me wouldn't even admit to myself whathad happened. Was I really that fucked up, that I'd like something – or someone – but never even acknowledge it to myself? That's pretty fucked up, Sirius.

And stupid.

Inside me, a voice said halfheartedly, Just try and give girls one more shot, Padfoot. But the tone of the voice and how it had murmured those words made it sound as if all hope was lost. I grumbled a few swear words, then climbed into my bed and pulled the curtains shut. I was immersed in an impenetrable darkness, but that night, I couldn't sleep.

--

Wednesday morning arrived, just as miserable and drizzly as the previous days had been. If I hadn't felt so upset with myself to begin with, then the weather most certainly would have made my mood even worse. Instead of pulling pranks at breakfast, I hastily plagiarized Remus' essay for History of Magic, copying it with my own horrible grammar and spelling so that Professor Binns wouldn't be too suspicious. Luckily, my 'borrowing' of Remus' assignments wasn't exactly an uncommon thing, and he never seemed to mind. Especially not this morning – he seemed more cheerful than usual at breakfast, and yet I couldn't bring myself to establish eye contact with him. The events of the night before were still fresh in my mind, and were still left unresolved. Today, my mission would be to try my luck with a girl, one last time, and if that attempt failed –

Well, if it failed, then I'd have a few things to worry about.

Namely, my honor, my reputation, and my future. But I wasn't exactly one to plan ahead any further than a week, so the last of the three didn't bother me nearly as much as the first two. And, speaking of planning ahead, Remus and I still had a lot of work to do for Sunday's Grand Master Plan. We weren't running out of time, not by any means, but there were still some things to figure out here and there, and both Remus and I wanted to do something to the Great Hall, but, as of yet, neither of us had come up with a good idea.

Yes, there was plenty of time to think about our Day of Pranks, but I had more pressing issues to attend to: I needed to find a girl to shag, and fast, or else I'd have a lot of explaining to do.

--

That morning, our classes passed by somewhat awkwardly; though Remus and I sat next to one another in both Potions and History of Magic, neither of us spoke to one another, at least not when it wasn't necessary. This was pretty stupid, and pretty childish – because it was obvious that Remus wanted to talk. But he seemed content enough to leave me with my thoughts, and I wasn't about to bring up a topic I might regret. At least, there was nothing on my mind that I wanted to talk about in public.

When it came time for lunch, I was both surprised and a little alarmed to find that Remus didn't show up. Maybe – I began, but I couldn't think of a good explanation. I had to convince myself of something, or else I'd be unsettled, and at last, the thought of He's thinking up some good pranks for Sunday seemed to satisfy me.

"You've both been acting pretty sodding weird lately," James grumbled, his mouth stuffed with food. (This elicited a cry of "James, don't talk with your mouth full!" from Lily.) I didn't answer to this statement, so he sighed, and in the hopes of receiving a response, added, "There something going on?"

I shrugged. "There is. But it's not too much to be worried about." At least, not after tonight, when I reconfirm to myself that all the girls in the world go head-over-heels for me. Unless… "At least, not yet," I said.

Peter eyed me incredulously, but said nothing; Lily had a funny look on her face that I couldn't figure out, and I knew that I had to be careful around her and girls in general – they could practically read minds, what, with their amazing skills at discerning emotions. All James said was, "Okay."

--

That afternoon, when we returned to our classes, I didn't ask Remus where he'd been during lunch. In fact, I didn't talk to Remus at all. After lunch had ended, I'd found a girl – a pretty, albeit desperate girl – and though, for some odd reason, I couldn't imagine myself snogging her, I was still relieved to know that the evening's plan would be going ahead smoothly.

Or so I hoped.

At dinner, Remus was absent once again and I couldn't help but wonder if he knew what I'd planned for that night. James didn't seem to think I was acting strangely (that is, stranger than usual), and even started off the supper festivities by transfiguring a platter of food at the Slytherin table into a large Blast-Ended Skrewt. Though Hagrid appeared to be delighted by this development, Professor McGonagall didn't, and she gave James a three-and-a-half hour detention, to be served immediately after dinner.

--

Things started out well. At nine o'clock, I'd shown up near the Room of Requirement, and had been pleased to find that the girl – I didn't know her name, but knew she was a sixth-year Ravenclaw – was waiting for me, wondering why we were standing outside a room that didn't seem to exist ("There aren't any doors down this hallway!" she had said). I explained the magic of the room to her briefly, then led her down the darkened corridor, gesturing to a door that hadn't been there only minutes before.

Much to my pleasure, everything had gone well so far – as soon as we were inside (strangely enough, it was set up like a starkly-decorated motel room), a snog session ensued. When I realized, with panic and horror, that I was getting absolutely nothing out of it, I closed my eyes, trying to imagine someone else, trying to imagine all the other girls, but that didn't work, and finally – Remus. And as soon as the thin frame of the werewolf appeared in my mind's eye, the kisses instantly became worthwhile, and the girl – No! Remus! Remus! – writhed beneath me, kissing back just as hard. I think I'd removed her – his – shirt when everything came crashing down around me, and I murmured, my words slurred, "I love you, Moony."

The body beneath me froze and said lightly, "My name's Marion, not Moony."

And I realized, with terror, what I'd just done.

She was gone before I knew it, and I sat there, on that stark-white bed, staring at the stark-white cinderblock walls, wondering how the hell it was possible to fuck up that bad.

To be continued...
A/N: And there you go, Chapter Five! Yes, I apologize once more for the lack of humor (after all, the prime genre of this story is humor!) but I promise there will be many more laughs in the near future. I also promise to have this entire story done and uploaded before I leave for college (Northern Michigan, baby!) in three and a half weeks (oh, shit, is it really so soon?), so expect quick updates.

Thanks for reading, and go ahead and review... it's not so hard!

-mo