A/N: I've been feeling a little idle lately, so I thought I'd spoil my readers with an early update. College starts in about three weeks for me, so you know that I want to get this all done before the real torture begins... Besides working on this story, I've been taking time to re-read the books -- as in, read them all for only the second time (I'm a late newcomer to the HP world). It's been good for me -- giving me some ideas and such. The last chapter of this fanfic is being worked upon right now, and it makes me laugh everytime I proof read it.

Warnings: Potty-mouthed Marauders, Snape being a dumbarse, and a passage from Peter's point of view (perhaps the scariest thing ever).

Disclaimer: Seeing as I've only read one-half of the books twice, and the other three once, it'd be stupid of you dumb lawyers to think I own what JKR has written.

With that said, enjoy!

Planning, Plotting, and Pranking -- Chapter Six

POV – Peter

Something was up with Sirius and I was determined to find out what. Never mind that he'd been acting oddly all week; but today, he'd been especially strange. He'd left lunch early, and had appeared rather nervous and flustered during our afternoon classes. Even more inexplicable was the fact he hadn't spoken to Remus all day (the night before, they had been inseparable). And, tonight, when he'd left the common room without so much as an explanation – I knew something was up.

It was ten o'clock, and with James in detention and Remus missing in action yet again, I promptly slipped out of the Gryffindor Tower, not exactly knowing where I was headed. I'd find my way, eventually, but in the darkened corridors of the castle, everything appeared more sinister than ever and I had a hard time keeping myself from constantly throwing glances over my shoulder. Wandering through the school had become second nature to me, and, really, all I was doing was following my senses – but when I realized I'd brought myself dangerously close to the stairs that led down to the Slytherin Dungeons, I froze.

Voices reverberated off the stone walls – student voices – and in a moment of sudden panic, I turned myself into a rat. Oh, well, all the better, I decided, as I crawled across the cold floor, sheltered by the deep shadows. I crept closer to the voices, determined, for some reason, to find out whom they belonged to. With my heightened sense of hearing, I realized that the male voice – cool and venomous – belonged to a certain Severus Snape. The girl's voice, however, I did not recognize, and as soon as I could see her, it became clear that I didn't recognize her by sight, either.

She was livid, and close to tears. "I thought you might know," she said, her voice trembling.

"Know what?" Snape didn't seem to be very thrilled about this late-night rendezvous.

"It's about Sirius," she whispered, and at these words, I nearly jumped, and listened even harder. "It's rather embarrassing, but I thought – thought you might have some insight into the matter."

"If you've woken me to discuss that half-witted fool –"

"Will you shut up and listen to me!" she cried, and her voice rang off the dungeon walls. "It's – it's just so stupid. All I have is a question, and then I'll leave you alone. We were having our own bit of fun earlier this evening" – at these words, Snape sneered – "and in the middle of it all – he – do you know a Moony? Who is she?"

Snape looked like he was about ready to double over with laughter – but he held it all inside quite expertly. "As a matter of fact, I do, and he…" His voice trailed off, and then he asked, "This was Black, you say?"

She nodded, her eyes wide and gleaming. And without saying anything else, in a swirl of his robes, Snape disappeared into the darkness of the Slytherin Dungeons.

Meanwhile, I scurried in the opposite direction. As soon as it was safe, I transfigured back into my human form, huffing and puffing as I ran. The conversation was being stitched together in my mind, and, slowly, it all started to make sense. The painting of the Fat Lady came into sight, and after I'd panted the password and climbed through, all I could think was Sirius loves Remus?

--

POV – Remus

I honestly didn't expect Sirius to figure out anything in one night, let alone several days, so Wednesday's extended silent-treatment didn't bother me too much. I knew that none of it was my fault – and, somehow, I had the feeling that Sirius knew it wasn't, either. The first thing I'd expected him to do was seek out a bird to shag, which he'd done after lunch, and for the rest of the afternoon, he'd been on edge – full of denial, I'd thought with a slight smile.

But now it was a quarter to eleven, and I'd been sitting on the side of my bed in the dormitories for almost three hours – and Sirius was still missing. There was some commotion downstairs in the common room, and I assumed James was finally back from his detention with Professor McGonagall. Peter's voice also sounded, and I wondered where the bugger he had been. Still, though, no sign of Sirius –

And then the common room fell silent, save for someone shouting a well-woven tapestry of swear words, and I knew, immediately, who it was. Sirius stormed upstairs and into the dormitory, locking the door behind him, and set his angry eyes on me. "Remus, I am officially a poofter and with that said, I think I'll kill myself this instant."

"Didn't go so well, did it?"

"No," he said, and took a seat on the end of his bed, crossing his legs like a pretzel. "It didn't go well at all. In fact, it went worse than I ever could have imagined."

"Care to explain?"

Sirius hesitated. "I don't think you'd understand," he said.

I rolled my eyes, and tried not to smile because the other boy looked extremely upset at the moment. "I think I would."

"Fine, then," Sirius grumbled. "Just imagine – here I am, snogging this girl, and I realize I can't stand it. But you know me, Moony – I'd never get cold feet and dash out on her, just like that. So I figure I've got to imagine it's someone else, and –" Sirius' mouth snapped shut and he didn't finish the sentence.

"I can't read minds, Padfoot."

"I'm not – I can't –" He sighed. "I won't elaborate any more. I've said too much, already."

I decided not to hazard a guess, and instead I just nodded my head sympathetically. "I understand," I said, although, really – I didn't – at least, not as much as I wished I did.

He shook his head. "No – you don't know everything, and maybe it should just stay that way. Remus, what the bugger am I gonna do? I'm a fucking poofter."

The question took me by surprise, and for a moment, I just sat there, thinking. What could Sirius do?He'd built up such a reputation to be the Womanizer of Hogwarts, and now, this? "I… gosh, Sirius, I don't know."

"What? You, Remus Lupin, don't know something? Oh, I'm truly done for, now." No matter how dire the situation, Sirius could always put on a theatrical show. Half of his words were in jest, even if his school-wide reputation was hanging by a thread.

I smirked. "I'll sleep on it, Sirius, and maybe I can find an answer for you by tomorrow morning."

Sirius groaned and flopped over onto his stomach. "I fucked up big time, Remus."

"It happens to the best of us." The last embers in the fireplace started to fade away, their orangey glow dying and being replaced by a warm shroud of darkness. "It'd be best to go to sleep, now, before the others come up and ask you where the bugger you've been."

"I know," he grumbled miserably. Several minutes passed, full of nothing but silence – perhaps it was half an hour. Then, unexpectedly, Sirius whispered, "I called her 'Moony'."

I said nothing, and instead stared skywards, my deepest suspicions coming true.

"Call me a bastard, if you'd like," he continued, his voice soft and distant. "But I thought… you know, just in case… just in case word got out, you'd want hear it from me, first."

"I'm glad I did," I murmured, and spoke no more. Sirius Black, insecure like never before, is in love with me. This was the biggest turn of events in all of our six-and-counting years at Hogwarts. Sirius is in love with me, and he doesn't know how much I've loved him ever since we first met.

Though he probably didn't sleep all that well, I did.

--

Thursday morning was a rude, rude shock.

In the twilight of dawn, Peter glanced around the dormitory nervously, then coughed. "I'm, uh, warning you right now, Remus, Sirius – Snivelly is up to no good." He sat on the end of his bed, waiting for James to finish taking his shower.

"What do you mean?" Sirius asked tiredly, unsuccessfully suppressing a yawn.

Peter sighed and brought his voice down to a whisper. "I was worried about you last night, Padfoot – so I snuck out. I ran into Snape, and he was talking to this girl – they didn't see me, of course – and – she told him – about – about you and –"

"Me," I grumbled, almost inaudible.

"That slimy, fucking bastard," Sirius hissed, rage clouding his face. "And that horrible bitch –"

"Wait, wait," Peter said, holding his hands up in an attempt to stop Sirius' livid tirade. "She didn't tell him, but she asked – asked who Moony was. And he didn't tell her. But – he knows."

"Bugger!"

This news was most unpleasant. For the past thirty-six hours, Sirius hadn't been in a very good state of mind, and this wouldn't help him any. It was bad enough that Peter knew what was going on – but I knew we could trust him, and besides, he was a Marauder – but Snape? Knowing Snape, who hated Sirius (and me) with a fiery passion, the entire school would know before breakfast. I shot a glance to Sirius. "You still want to go to down to the Great Hall to eat?"

He nodded, his anger making him twitch. "Yes, I do, because when I see Snivellus, I am going to kill him."

"Maybe we can take care of this in a bloodless, yet amusing manner." The voice belonged to James. He stepped into the dormitory, a towel around his waist and his damp hair plastered to his forehead, and grumbled, "Wormtail told me about what he saw last night. Snivelly's got a death-wish placed on his head, even if he is talking bullshit."

When James said this, I noticed Sirius flinch. So they don't believe it. I wasn't sure if that was good or bad, but in Sirius' case, it was probably beneficial.

--

POV – Sirius

For the first time in several days, the Marauders departed for the Great Hall as a complete group of four. I knew that as soon as I laid my eyes on Snape, he'd be a dead man, no matter what James said. That sodding bastard is going to die. Droves of fellow students were filing in to the Great Hall, many of them talking excitedly – too excitedly, I decided – and flashing Remus and me odd looks. So he's done it, then – he's spread the word. Though, really, nothing could have prepared me for what was to be seen inside the massive room.

SIRIUS BLACK WANTS TO SHAG REMUS LUPIN

The words were written in fire on every table, each large letter blazing as clear as day. Quickly, I began to retch, but I felt Remus' hand grip my shoulder, and that gradually calmed me down. "Relax, Sirius," he said, and together, we walked toward our table. Lily had succeeded in hexing away the statement from the Gryffindor table, but hadn't tried to erase it from the other three. In fact, I discovered with horror, Snape had even gone as far as to burn the slanderous message into the teachers' table, as well, where Slughorn appeared to be somewhat perturbed, but said nothing, and instead ate his breakfast. Professor McGonagall looked enraged.

"I can't believe this," I muttered through gritted teeth. "Where is that arsehole? I'll kill him!"

"Why don't you eat something," Remus suggested coolly as he sat down.

"I'm not hungry," I said, and remained standing. James was headed off toward the Slytherin table and I decided that was a good destination for me, as well. I grabbed Remus by his wrist, yanked him up from his chair, and said, "Come with me."

"Don't do something you'll regret," he grumbled, but followed me anyway as I crossed the Great Hall. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed us, and soon we were standing next to James and Peter, who were already engaged in a shouting match with Snape.

" – deserved it ever since Day One, Potter!"

"And what the bugger is going to stop me from killing you, right now?"

"I believe you tried that once already and got cold feet."

Catching sight of Snape, I could feel the hatred swell within me. "Let me handle this, Prongs," I grumbled, and pushed James aside.

"Oh, look, it's the poofter, himself," Snape said dryly. "From the Noble House of Black."

I'm not sure what spell I used, but in an instant I had withdrawn my wand and in a flash of blue, had sent Severus crashing headlong into the floor, knocking over his chair as he did. Preparing to strike him again, I heard Remus' calm voice say from behind me, "No, Sirius."

I wheeled around to face him – he was as composed as ever, appearing neither angry nor upset about the current situation. "But, Remus –"

"It appears that Dumbledore has begun to clean up Severus'… mess."

I shot Snape a deathly glance before stumbling over the tipped chair – and it was then, when I reached Remus' side, that the werewolf suddenly brought me into an embrace, initiating the most wonderful kiss that I could ever recall. The Great Hall fell silent and melted away, and for a moment, it was only the two of us, and I was in a state of pure ecstasy.

Then, slowly, everything came back, in whirls of muted color and whisperings, and James' mutterings of "Bloody hell…"

--

I think we made Hogwarts history that day. I'm not exactly sure how, or under what category the breakfast-time display fell, but I doubted anything like that had ever happened before.

Remus and I stormed out of the Great Hall together, James and Peter suddenly absent. Unlike myself, Remus looked nothing more than distracted, while I was about ready to kill anyone who threw a glance our way. "Prongs and Wormy didn't know," I grumbled as we walked by a herd of third-year Hufflepuff girls. Recognition shone in their eyes, and as soon as we had passed, they started to giggle. I directed a hex over my shoulder that caused one of them to scream,

"My toenails!"

"They thought Snivelly was just talking bullshit," I said glumly. "And now – who knows what they think? Oh, Merlin, Remus – what are they gonna think?"

He shrugged. "Who cares what they think, Sirius?"

"I buggering do! Now they know I'm a sodding poofter and who knows how they'll react?" Sighing with anger and frustration, I pinched the bridge of my nose, feeling a headache coming on. "And – oh, fuck – everyone else in this school! The girls! The blokes! The fucking teachers! I'm so dead. Wait until little Regulus sends his weekly report to Mum and Dad – won't they just adore this recent turn of events! Oh, Moony – I'm done for."

"And what about me, Sirius? Would you care about what I think?"

Shooting him a confused glance, I raised an eyebrow, nearly running headlong into a short boy from Ravenclaw, who promptly shouted a rude slur my way. I ignored him and said to Remus, "No, because you're a fucking poofter, too."

He rolled his eyes and had trouble suppressing a smile. "Thanks, Padfoot. I love you, too."

I wasn't sure if Remus' statement had been in jest or if he had meant it to be sincere, but at the moment, I didn't care. I had no intention of attending class – at least, not this morning. "Are you going to Herbology?"

Remus shrugged. "I suppose so."

"I'm not."

"You should," he said.

"Bugger that, I'm going to sleep."

He sighed. "You do that then, and I'll stop by after class."

Going to sleep, my arse, I thought darkly. Sunday won't just be a day to prank the school – it'll be a special day for Snivellus, too.

--

POV – James

Class was about to start and neither Remus nor Sirius had shown up yet. They'd left the Great Hall in a flourish, immediately following their grand display, and I couldn't help but wonder where the bugger they'd gone. And – even more so – I couldn't help but wonder how the hell it was humanly possible for Sirius to be gay. I shot a sideways glance to Peter, and he seemed to be as mystified as I was. "What do you think?" I asked, and it caught him by surprise because I never asked him what he thought about anything.

"They're both poofters."

I snorted and rolled my eyes. "Well, that's obvious, Wormtail! Where d'you think they are?"

"Snogging," he grumbled.

"Helpful," I hissed, and ignored anything else Peter had to say. It wasn't that I minded the fact that both Sirius and Remus were bent, but the fact that they hadn't disclosed it to me – we were all Marauders, weren't we? Maybe neither of them had known, or maybe they were both too scared, or maybe –

At that moment, an unconcerned-looking Remus entered the greenhouses, alone, and the Slytherins with whom we shared the class started to whisper and jeer. Snape wasn't among them – I hadn't seen the git since Sirius had knocked him to the floor at breakfast – and I had wonder where the hell he was, too. Remus joined Peter and me, setting his books aside, and murmured, "Sirius won't be here this morning."

"He get caught?" I asked.

"No," Remus said, "he decided he didn't want to – in his words – endure the torturous stares of his fellow witches and wizards."

I smirked. "That's Sirius, alright – but, Remus, question here."

"I've got a feeling I know what it is."

"Good, then you should be able to give me the straight-up truth without any bullshit," I growled, still feeling somewhat betrayed that neither of them had buggering told me. "Look, we're your best mates – and you never – never felt it necessary to tell us about this?"

"Well –"

"My question is this, Remus, are you and Sirius –"

"An item?" Remus rolled his eyes. "No. No, of course not. Gay? Yes. Sirius can barely admit it to himself, and that's why he didn't tell you."

"Oh."

Remus grinned and said, "It apparently only dawned upon Sirius earlier this week."

"He's still in denial, then?"

"Full-blown denial," Remus said. He hesitated, then asked quietly, so that the Slytherins wouldn't hear, "But you don't care, do you?"

"About you guys?" I laughed, wondering why the hell Remus would ask such a stupid thing. "Of course not. Like I said, we're best mates – if I don't care you're a werewolf, then I'm sure as hell not gonna care if you happen to shag blokes."

"Thanks, Prongs."

The class went relatively well, except for all the whispering and pointing going on among the Slytherin crowd. Lucius Malfoy looked especially smug about something or other, but I knew, come Sunday, Peter and I would wipe the smile off his face with our Day of Pranks. Oh, how Malfoy will be appalled… It'll suit him well, though.

--

Sirius didn't show until lunch, and I was beginning to worry that with all of his skipping of classes lately, he'd find himself in some rather unpleasant trouble. Still – still, I had a hunch that most, if not all, of the teachers would hand him some kind of excuse; the wizarding community was known to be generally more accepting of… others than the Muggle world.

When he walked up to our table, Sirius didn't appear to be too fazed by what had happened earlier – in fact, he seemed to be a lot more relaxed than he'd been previously all week. He sat down next to Remus, shot the werewolf a secretive smile that I couldn't decipher, then turned to the rest of the Marauders and said plainly, "What happened at breakfast – I hope to Merlin that you guys don't care. Or else I'm hurting."

I laughed, and beside me, Peter chuckled, his mouth full of food. "Padfoot, we don't give a damn and you should know that," I said. "Moony knows that. I know you're smart enough to figure that out."

"Not nearly," Sirius said with a roguish grin. "Anyway – okay, that's good. I always knew you were my best mates. And here's the thing – Remus, that was a brilliant idea at breakfast. Now people know that Snivelly isn't just talking bullshit, and they don't really give damn about it – well, except for the stupid Slytherins, of course, but they don't really count as people, do they?"

I couldn't help myself, so I started to snicker. "So what you're saying, Sirius, is that Snape was right, and you do want to shag Moony?"

Sirius' face turned red in an embarrassed blush, and beside him, Remus chuckled quietly. But Sirius was the smoothest talker in the school – usually – and this afternoon was no exception. "I believe Remus and I will talk about my sexual urges when the appropriate time comes and we feel we are both ready –"

I howled with more laughter. "Padfoot, you are full of shit."

"Like usual," Remus agreed, and took a sip of water.

--

POV – Sirius

Though, really, I knew James had a point. Snivellus was right – all of a sudden, I did want to shag Remus, and I wanted to shag him senseless. I must be making some sort of progress, I thought, later that evening. At least, now I can admit to myself that I find Remus extremely attractive. Which I probably couldn't have done earlier today.

I suppose that's a good thing.

"We need to keep working on our Plan." Remus' voice shook me from my thoughts, and I glanced over to him from my bed.

"Yeah, I know," I said, and picked myself up from my mattress. "We need to come up with something for the Great Hall." I crossed the room and crashed down next to Remus. "Any ideas?"

"What, Sirius Black, the mastermind of all the foul business that happens at Hogwarts – at a loss for ideas?" Remus smirked. "As a matter of fact, Padfoot, I do have some ideas that we may or may not be able to incorporate into Sunday's spectacular show. What would you think if we, er – released somethinginto the Great Hall?"

"Like, creatures?" I asked, becoming intrigued. "What'd you have in mind?"

He shrugged. "Nothing ordinary. I spent some time thinking about it the other day – you know, when I didn't show up and you were giving me the silent treatment. Something that's a complete nuisance, but not too harmful, if you know what I mean."

I sighed dramatically. "No dragons or giant spiders, then. Damn."

"I was thinking pixies," Remus murmured thoughtfully, the smallest and most mischievous of grins pulling at his mouth.

"Pixies! In the Great Hall, at – when, breakfast?" I gave Remus a slap on the back that nearly sent him flying off his bed. "Brilliant! Just think of all the chaos that'll ensue! Oh, Lily'll be off her rocker when she sees how fast those little buggers can tear up a room!"

"Exactly," Remus said. "I shudder to think of how loud she'll scream – but it'll be worth it. I still can't believe that I agreed to help you with this plan, Sirius."

"Neither can I," I admitted. "It must have been the lilac-scented soap…"

To be continued...
A/N: Chapter Six, in the books! Hope you enjoyed, even if not that much happened. Again, more stupidness and drama than humor, but I promise we're workin' our way toward the Big One... To tell you the truth, I can't imagine Severus calling anyone a poofter, but whatever, it makes it all the more funnier. Something tells me Snape would come up with a far more witty insult... Anyway, if you liked what you read, leave me a review, and if you didn't like what you read, tell me what I can do better. I'm hoping to hear from you!

-mo