Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in this story, for all belong to J.K. Rowling, but I don't think she would mind if I borrowed them for just a moment.
Summary: When Harry is alone in the Astronomy Tower, dealing with the loss of his godfather, professor Snape finds him and offers his advice.
BREAKING THE SILENCE
CHAPTER 3
Harry was sitting in the grass by the lake. The sun was shining and his potions book was on his lap, but yet his essay was going nowhere. Harry found his eyes wandering off to the lake and while he was staring at the blue water, thoughts came into his mind. He tried to ban them, but it did not seem to work.
"It's always nice to see my students work this hard, Mr. Potter."
Harry felt a little smile coming to his face upon hearing the voice of Professor Snape, but it disappeared when his thoughts drifted off again.
"I'm sorry, sir. My head just seems too full."
His professor joined him on the grass and began also to stare at the lake.
"Full of what, if I may ask?"
Harry let out a sigh. "Sirius."
"I see."
It was silent for a moment. Harry knew that Snape hadn't asked for an explanation, but he felt obliged to give one. Although obliged was probably not the right word, he actually wanted to confide his professor, unlike before.
"I can't get him out of my mind, just like I can't get this feeling of grief out of my mind. I tried to feel his warmth again, but it didn't seem to work anymore!"
"Can you tell me what memories you remember or what you say to yourself right now?"
Harry could tell Snape appreciated his honest answer when he heard the gentle tone in his voice.
"I remember seeing him falling through the veil and I remind myself of the fact that it is my fault he died." Harry looked ahead of himself, even when he felt Snape's dark eyes on him. He was afraid of the man's confirmation.
"That is not true." Cold, soft and spoken without any apparent emotion. "You need to have taken deliberate choices and actions for failure and blame. Choices and actions that you wanted to take, even though you knew it would hurt someone you love. Have you done so?"
"Yes, I have! I went to the ministry while he told me to always stay at Hogwarts and ..."
"But," interrupted Snape, emphasizing the word strongly, "did you do all of those things to hurt Sirius on purpose?"
"No," Harry answered silently.
"That means that you do not have to feel guilty about anything. Think about how the person you love would have felt if he had known that you were feeling so awful."
"He would have hated it."
Snape agreed to that. "Indeed, he would have. And even if you were to blame for anything, someone who would truly care about you, would have forgiven you for it long ago."
They were both silent for a while, until Harry asked: "Is it normal to still feel terrible sometimes, when it was months ago that the person died?"
"Oh yes," Snape answered thoughtful. "You can feel like that for years. Have you noticed that it only happens occasionally? That it suddenly hits you that the person is gone and will never come back?"
Harry nodded. "It happens mostly when I'm alone. It makes me want to just run away and leave everything behind sometimes."
"I know the feeling. I hated life for not letting me die when I was younger. Now, I thank life for it. It is very important to let out everything when you feel so bad."
"How? It happens when I'm alone!"
"Take a piece of parchment and write down everything you feel. All of your sadness, anger and self pity should be reflected on that piece of parchment. And when you're done, destroy it. Destroy it without even reading it. Tear it into small pieces, burn it in the fire or throw in this lake."
"Does it work?" Asked Harry, looking up at Snape. His professor was still staring ahead of him and said silently: "It definitely does."
"May I ask what you wrote down, professor?"
Snape smiled slightly at the polite, yet curious question. "Yes, you may. And I will answer you, but first I need your solemn promise that you will not dwell on anything I say to you. Do not let it influence you or your thoughts."
"I promise."
Snape let out a deep sigh. "I was alone, staring into the fire when I wrote this. I wrote that I wanted to cry, even to die, but that I couldn't. That the world continued, while my life seemed to fade away, like warm breath on a cold window. I wrote that my dreams had faded into nightmares and that my sleep brought no peace anymore. Nothing did. I was so alone and when I closed my eyes, bad memories seemed to take away reality. There was physical pain, down in my stomach, making every breath hurt so much."
"I'm sorry." Harry whispered.
Snape looked down at him and for the first time their eyes met. "For what?" He asked.
"For letting you relive all of that after you destroyed it."
"Don't be sorry. I chose to relive it and it doesn't hurt me so much anymore. I am almost healed. Did you recognize any of the feelings?"
"I did. Especially the pain and the nightmares."
Snape's serious expression changed into an undoubtedly concerned one.
"You have nightmares?"
"A few times a week."
"About what?"
Harry hesitated. Nightmares and dreams were personal, just like thoughts. But his professor's expression left no room for such privacy or silence. "They vary. Sometimes, I see my parents die, sometimes Sirius and sometimes ..."
"And sometimes, you die yourself. Alone, in the dark and forgotten." Continued Snape after Harry had gone quiet. "I know."
"Can I stop them?"
"No, time will let them go away. What do you do when you've had one?"
Harry shrugged, uncomfortable. "I just lay down and try to think of good stuff or I try to stay awake to avoid more nightmares."
"Well, that's not good."
Harry smiled a bit. "Yeah, I figured that, professor."
"I'll tell you what I did when I was your age. When I woke up after a nightmare, I was often very scared. I would then light a little candle on my bedside table and I would just stare at it. After a while, I would calm down and go back to sleep. You should try it."
"I will. Who taught you all of these things?"
His professor smiled a sad smile. "My parents never got along really well. They fought quite a lot. I would always go to my grandparents when they did that. They were fantastic. The kind of people that you can always go to and who would always take their time to listen to you. It was so safe with them and it gave me the feeling that nothing in the world could hurt or frighten me. It was almost a sanctuary for me. When I was fourteen, my grandfather past away, totally unexpected. He had a heart attack, during his sleep. My grandmother was so strong, it was amazing. She never changed one bit and she taught and told me all of these things to help me cope with the loss. When she past away, I was eighteen. I felt no sadness, just joy. That day, I celebrated her life and that was how she wanted it."
"That's beautiful."
"Yes, yes, it is." Snape replied. Harry thought his voice broke for just a moment, but seconds later he wasn't sure if it had not been his own imagination. They sat there, at the side of the lake, for a long time. Neither of them knew how long and neither of them cared. Twilight was already setting in, when Snape rose to his feet.
"Thank you, Mr. Potter."
"Thank you, professor."
When Snape turned around, a little breeze blew Harry's potion's book to a different page than the one he had been reading. Harry looked at it and realized that it was exactly the right page for his essay. With a small smile, he looked behind, but Snape was nowhere to be seen. Harry remained where he was, thinking things over just one last time, until the descending sun burned away his remaining thoughts.
TO BE CONTINUED ...