THE QUEST FOR THE EVIL HAIR PRODUCTS!
Exactly what it says on the tin.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Final Fantasy or its related characters. They are owned by Square. I do not own Kenco. I think that is a coffee made by Nescafé. I do not own McDonald's or it's related characters. They are all owned by the McDonald's Corporation (whoa! GREASY FOOD!).
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CHAPTER TWO - CLOWNS AND CLONES
After Sephiroth had thought ling and hard for thirty-five minutes, he decided to go confront Kefka in the FFVI world. I never played FFVI, I just know there's a weird villain in it called Kefka.
Anyway, Kefka was in his weird-ass castle, filled with lots of traps and minio-- Oh, OH! Villain profile! Profiles just intorduce characters, just so you know.
KEFKA
Aka. Kefka the Klown, Kef, Keffie, Kenco Kefka, Kefka Express (and a wide range of other coffee-related joke names)
Age: I dunno. And don't ask for an estimate.
Occupation: Evil clown, Make-up Tester
Height: Short. Irrelevant.
Weapon: I DON'T KNOW! I NEVER PLAYED FFVI! Magic, probably.
Unfortunatly, Kefka doesn't get nine or ten paragraphs about himself, unlike Sephiroth. Why? Because I never played FFVI, so I wouldn't know what to put. Okay. He wears too much make-up, so I've heard, and he looks like a clown. And I've seen some images (scar-y!), so I know what I'm doing with him in the story. JUST DON'T BOTHER ME! HE'S IN IT AT LEAST, OKAY? I COULD HAVE LEFT HIM OUT! But that wouldn't have been much fun, would it?
What was I saying before? Oh, yeah.
Kefka was in his weird-ass castle, filled with lots of traps and minions. He was in his chamber, or whatever, with creepy music and a scary storm outside. He was writing a letter on an old typewriter... No, he's NOT as technologically advanced as Sephiroth... But he's more logical, I'll give him that. Who was he writing to, you ask? THE EDITOR! He was writing a letter to the editor. And he was speaking outloud what he was writing. Just as you do.
"When I read your magazine, I do NOT see any REAL make-up! Real make-up is lots of compressed white powder! And then lots of red lipstick, eyeliner and eyeshadow!" He yelled manically at the typewriter, tapping away. "To the idiots at Cosmopolitan Magazine, yours INSINCERELY - Kefka the Klown!"
Then, he pulled the crazy paper out of the typewriter, put it in an envelope, adressed the envelope, sealed it, then sent it down a chute in the wall. Let's just presume that chute is his mail, and hopefully not his laundry... Otherwise, maybe he should opt for another chute. Anyway, just as Kefka walked back to his desk, THE INTERCOM BUZZED! WOO-HOO! Because rarely do people come visit poor Keffie.
"Yyyyyeeeeesssssssss?" Kefka asked cheerfully, pressing the button on the intercom to speak.
"KEFKA! YOU IDIOT!" Sephiroth yelled down the other end, which was outside (in the freezing cold and the rain and the thunder and the lighting... And the wind, for that matter).
"OH! SEPHIROTH! I didn't expect it to be you! What seems to be the problem?" Kefka asked.
"YOU'RE THE PROBLEM!" Seph excalimed.
"Am I?" Kef sighed, wondering if Sephiroth was the editor of Cosmopolitan. "If it's about the letter, I didn't know it was you!"
Anyway, there was a pause, and what Kef DIDN'T realise was that there was a teleport pad right outside the gates of his manison that teleported right into his chamber! He thought it would be useful incase he ever locked himself out, but he didn't EVER consider the SECURITY consequences! Well, obviously he realised that there was a teleport pad there, but he never even THOUGHT that our dear illogical Sephy would know how to use it. So, now, Sephiroth was pretty much in the room, soaking wet from the storm (but it's okay. The evil hair-gel holds through rain, otherwise villains wouldn't get very far in their element, would they?).
"BBBBBBBBBAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Kefka yelled in shock, jumping back after seeing Seph appear... RANDOMLY! "I'M SO SORRY!"
"You...!" Seph snarled angrily, pointing the Masamune in Kefka's direction.
"I-I-I DIDN'T MEAN IT! SEPHIROTH! I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE THE IDIOT AT COSMOPOLITAN MAGAZINE!" Kefka cried, backing off into a corner.
"What?" Sephiroth looked confused. "What do you mean? I'm just here because you stole all the evil hair products..."
"What?" Kefka also looked confused. "What do YOU mean? I didn't steal them! I was about to write a letter to the idiot who did!"
"Really?" Seph asked, scratching the back of his neck. "Oh... Sorry... Wait! If you DIDN'T, then who DID?"
"I don't know!" Kef sighed, looking upset and he caused the creepy music to turn into a tragic piece, as he did an angsty Midgarwood style scene. "The fool! THE FOOL WHO STOLE THE HAIR PRODUCTS AND BLEW UP THE FACTORY TOOK MY EVIL FRIZZ-EASE WITH THEM!"
It seemed the robbery had affected poor Keffie, too. As he ended the angsty scene, he cleared his throat.
"Anyway..." Kef said. "Are you on a mission to find the theif?"
"Yup." Sephiroth said.
"Then I shall come too!" Kefka said proudly, swishing his cape around. "AND I WILL LEAD US TO ETERNAL GLORY!"
Seph just stared at Kefka as he began to laugh like the complete and utter maniac he is.
"Umm... You can come, but I better lead for safety..." Sephiroth said. He may have liked to be alone on his journeys, but he had no idea where the theif was, and Kef might be a useful... Map reader!
"Okay!" Kefka grinned, rubbing his hands together. "For... SAFETY!"
Then the krazy klown just laughed manically... Again... I like spelling with Ks instead of Cs... Seph didn't care, because... He's Sephiroth... Like that... He's very illogical!
Suddenly, there was a flash of thunder, and everything went white! And then - TTTTTTHHHEEEENNNN! They were on some random rolling hills somewhere. I think Kefka's teleport pad broke due to being used in the rain. But it's not like THOSE TWO could figure that out!
"Where the hell are we?" Seph asked, sounding strangely CALM about it. He wasn't ACTUALLY calm, he was just being ILLOGICAL like Sephiroth IS.
"I have no idea." Kefka replied, falling on his ass and grabbing the typewriter he swiped before the bright light came and wiped them off to the rolling hills. "I'm writing a letter to the Author."
But Kef then realised GGGGGGAAASSSSSPPPPP! HE HAD NO PAPER! OH NO! So, he put the typewriter back to wherever he stores stuff in his weird outfit, and sulked. "Hmmmpppphhh..."
Sephiroth, not actually being very illogical at this moment, waved the Masamune in the direction of a nice looking city. Well, it was nicer than Midgar... He didn't know if it was nicer than Midgarwood or not. Midgarwood was pretty much the BEST location on the Planet now... ANYWAY!
"Well, since we need somewhere to start, let's start there." Seph suggested.
"And I can get some paper?" Kefka's eyes lit up.
"...Fine..." Sephiroth said reluctantly.
And so, the two evil guys headed off in the direction of the city. Across the rolling hills. Sephiroth was too illogical to realised that he was travelling with a scary weird-ass clown, by the way. As soon as they got into the city, people began to stare at them. Well, they were staring at Kefka, anyway. Not like either of them cared, seeing as poor Sephy is too illogical, and poor Keffie is used to all the 'attention'. They had only taken a few steps into the city when they suddenly stopped. GASP!
"This isn't going to work." Sephiroth said, shaking his head. "We need to spilt up and ask around."
He was being LOGICAL! HURRAH! Even though Seph IS illogical, it's not like he's completely thick.
"Good idea!" Kefka agreed. "And I will find some paper!"
Then thunder and lightning crashed randomly in the background and Kefka began to laugh manically. Sephiroth didn't really do or say anything... Because... He's Sephiroth like that...
"We'll rendez-vous at the Stationary shop over there!" Kef cried in pride (hey, I'm a poet and I don't know it!), pointing to a Stationary shop that happened to be there. "Okay? GOOD!"
Then he just ran off. What Kefka didn't know was that the Stationary shop sold paper! AND THE EXACT KIND HE NEEDED! ARGH! Unless he DID know, and he just thought that Stationary shops were hilariously overpriced. Anyway, Seph just shrugged. He didn't know what rende-vous meant, even though he was in SOLDIER and SOLDIER rendez-voused PLENTY of times! Why didn't he know? Because he's illogical like that. So, he just walked off into the chemist's. Little did he know that the chemist's was the best place to start! YAY! Poor illogical Sephy... He doesn't realise his own magical intelligence.
Kefka ignored the many people who were staring at him... Actually, it wasn't just many. EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHO HE PASSED stared at him! Not like he cared, though. He was used to it. Even though he was supposed to be finding the thief who stole all the hair products, he was more bothered about the paper for his typewriter. As he walked along, he found that the people around him were getting fatter, and fatter, and fatter by the minute! They were staring at him for his weird clown looks, and he was staring at them for their huge waistlines! Suddenly, he stopped, pretty much psyched at the fat people.
"Oh where the hell am I?" He asked himself, looking around.
That was when he realised that his was in the horror that is THE McDONALD'S AREA! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! But he didn't care. He just walked in to McDonald's. But to his surprise, (fat) children began to crowd around him.
"IT'S RONALD McDONALD!" They cried.
"What the?" Kefka yelled, trying to beat the kids back.
"He's not Ronald McDonald!" The REAL (or maybe just a guy in the outfit pretending to be) Ronald McDonald shouted, doing somersaults and flips and stuff. "I'M RONALD McDONALD!"
"YYYAAAYYY!" The kids cried and waddled off to greet Ronald McDonald.
"That's right kids!" Ronald chuckled, before turning nasty and pointing at Kefka with a horrible glare. "YOU! IMPOSTER! GUYS, LET'S GET HIM!"
And then the Burger Burglar and the McDonald's Monster came to back Ronald McDonald up. All the kids waddled back to their Super-Size Happy Meals.
"There's only room for ONE clown in THIS town!" Ronald yelled. "And it sure ain't YOU!"
Then he, the Burger Burglar and the McDonald's Monster rushed towards Kefka angrily. But, as we all know, Kef is a Final Fantasy villain (and he's also a klown, not a clown)... So he didn't flinch. He just cast Ultima on them. Ultima is the most kick-ass magic ever, and then all that was left of Ronald McDonald and his two McDonald's buddies were steaming corpses on the floor, which the janitor just came to clear up. Swishing his cape around him, Kefka continued up to the counter.
"Hell-o!" Said the dark-haired girl behind the counter who was wearing a McDonald's uniform and cap. "May I take your order?"
"Yes." Kefka said. "Yes you can..."
He looked at her name tag.
"...Dagger! Nice name, I like it!"
"Uh... Thanks?" Dagger said uneasily, not knowing how to take a compliment from a krazy klown like him. Actually, she was undercover, and wondered if he was onto her. But he wasn't. Which was good.
"Well, anyhoo, I would like some paper!" Kefka said.
Dagger just thought he wanted some napkins to take off his stupid make-up with. So she just... gave him some random napkins!
"Here you go!" She said.
"Um... No... I meant PAPER paper." Kefka said slowly, incase Dagger didn't understand.
"Oh..." Dagger said, then she THOUGHT she understood. "OOOooooohhhhhhhhh... Just a second!"
Then Dagger scuttled off to the back. Kef just... waited for her, stuffing the napkins into his pocket anyway, incase he could use them for something later.
Meanwhile, Sephiroth was snooping around the hair-care section of the chemist's, when he heard a little voice speaking to the cashier. By the way, there were only four people in the chemists - Seph, the little voice person, the cashier and a random other guy who was nervously scanning the place where the condoms were. Picking up the words 'EVIL' and 'HAIR', Seph dove behind a pyramid of disposable cameras infront of the till, so that he could spy on the person who was talking.
"E-Excuse me!" It was a little Black Mage who couldn't reach the counter and was waving his arms about for attention.
Finally, the cashier spotted him.
"Yes?" The cashier who had greasy blonde hair and a slight resemblance to a monkey, wearing a uniform that all chemists wear when they're behind the counter said. "OH! VIVI! What the hell're YOU doing here?"
"I-It's not Vivi!" The little Black Mage said. "I'm Black Mage clone number 463!"
"Oooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh..." The cashier said slowly. "So, whadda ya want?"
"I-I want some... Uhh... Evil hair enhancer... F-For Master Kuja..." The Black Mage said.
"KUJA?" The cashier yelled. "WHEN WILL HE QUIT? ARRRGHHH! Oh well, I'm not saving the world from that crap-hat again... Urgh... Doesn't he know the Evil hair products were all stolen and the factory exploded?"
"Oh... Oh well..." The Black Mage said, nervously walking off. "I-It's to the dungeon for me!"
By this time, Sephiroth was interested in this evil person called Kuja who the Black Mage had spoken of, so he walked out from behind the cameras and went up to the little guy.
"Hey. Black Mage." Seph tried for his attention.
The little clone looked up at Sephiroth, who was about twice his size.
"Uhh... Yes?" Asked the Black Mage.
"Who's Kuja?" Seph questioned.
"He's my evil Master. He wanted me to get his evil hair colour enhancer." The Black Mage explained. "He said if he doesn't have it, his natural purple will go grey-ish!"
The cashier (yes, it's Zidane! He works at the Chemist's! WHAT? He needed money! At least his job is better than Garnet-- Uh... Dagger's!) laughed. He was eavesdropping, but Sephiroth didn't care, because he's Sephiroth, and he is illogical.
"Take me to him." Seph said.
"Alright." The Black Mage agreed, and then he lead them him out of the Chemist's.
Anyway, at that point, Dagger had come back to Kefka, who had been waiting for five minutes, thinking 'This is supposed to be a FAST food place?' Even though he was looking for paper. Dagger was carrying as many... Uh... Rolls of toilet paper as she could carry. Then she dumped them all on the counter.
"Here you go!" Dagger said from behind the rolls. "Paper!"
"Uh, no... I didn't mean that either..." Kef said from the other side of the rolls.
"Well, we don't have any other types of paper here at McDonalds." Dagger explained.
"Are you sure?" Kefka challenged.
"Hmm..." Dagger thought for a moment (just so you know, a moment to Dagger is about two minutes). Then, she popped her head around the toilet rolls to look at him and finally spoke up again. "Well, there are some colouring sheets for kids..."
"Very well!" Kefka smirked, swishing his cape about. "I SHALL TAKE THE COLOURING SHEETS!"
"Okay then! Just a second!" Dagger said cheerfully and then scuttled off again to get the colouring sheets.
As Kef was waiting for her to come back again, Sephiroth had followed the little Black Mage all the way to a row of BIG mansions. They stopped outside a big... Uh... Purple one.
"Why is it purple?" Seph asked, like the ILLOGICAL dude he is.
"Master Kuja said it was supposed to be like Boco's Dream House... But better." The Black Mage explained. "Because Master Kuja said that he would kill all the chocobos in the world if it wasn't a BETTER purple than the purple Boco's Dream House."
Being illogical, Seph just shrugged, presuming that it was that way when Kuja bought it. He was actually more bothered about the fact that all the other evil guys had mansions, apart from him and the crappy little villa he probably DIDN'T own. The little Black Mage reached out to the conveniently place intercom at the gate. It buzzed.
"463!" A voice yelled. "IS THAT YOU?"
"Yes sir." The Black Mage said. "There is a man here who wants to see you, too."
"WHAT ABOUT MY HAIR ENHANCER?" The voice, obviously Kuja's, screamed.
"T-There wasn't any!" The Black Mage answered nervously.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Was the reply, and then there was the sound of glass breaking in the background.
After a while the screaming died down.
"So, who's the guy with you?" Kuja asked, sounding intrigued.
Sephiroth stepped forward to speak.
"Take a random guess." Seph said.
There was a pause.
"...(GASP!)" Kuja finally answered. "IS IT REALLY YOU?"
Without actually thinking it through, Sephiroth just confirmed the question. Poor illogical Sephy. One day you'll be in big trouble. And then Kuja gave an excited squeal, and the gates to the mansion opened up.
"COME IN! COME IN!" Kuja squealed with delight, along with the sounds of clapping.
Seph just shrugged like the easy-going... Sorry... ILLOGICAL! Guy he is. At least he got in to the mansion. Then he and 463 began to walk down the neatly placed crazy-paving toawrds the mansion. Our hero... no, villain... no, hero... WHATEVER! Our Seph unfortunatly had NO IDEA who Kuja thought he was... GGAAASPPP! CLIFFHANGER! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOO!
BASS IT!
(Ooh... That was longer than the last one... Hahaha... Kefka and Sephiroth make such a crazy evil duo. And they're about to be a crazy evil trio with Kuja! HAHAHAHA! Cameos are still flocking in. Zidane and Dagger/Garnet were very easy to slide into this. Hahaha! Anyway, if you want to ask me any questions, feel free to. I like FAQs. I ESPECIALLY like ANSWERING in FAQs! YAY! So, yay! Leave a review... OR I'LL THROW CUTE LITTLE 463 IN THE DUNGEON! MWA HA HA HA!)