THE QUEST FOR THE EVIL HAIR PRODUCTS!
Exactly what it says on the tin. HAHAHAHAHAHAH! HOW FITTING! YOU GET HAIR PRODUCTS IN TINS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Final Fantasy or it's related characters. They are owned by Square. I do not own Mc Donald's. That is ALL owned by... Um... Mc Donald's. I SORT OF own Gavin and Gereldene. Gavin is based on someone I know called Gavin, who is obsessed with an invisble freind he had called Gereldene. Gavin is not my friend. He just owes me irrelevant phrases to put in this fic. I ALSO do NOT own LOST. That is owned by BAD ROBOT or something like that.
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CHAPTER THREE - RON-DAY-VU?
Well, as our dear illogical Sephy was at the gates of Kuja's big purple mansion, that krazy Kefka was STILL in McDonald's. Luckily for him, though, Dagger had just scuttled back with lots of kiddy colouring sheets. IT WAS REAL PAPER! HURRAH! She hadn't yet cleared the toilet paper off the counter, by the way, and it had been sat there for longer than toilet paper SHOULD sit on a fast-food counter... Eww... And there were hungry fat people queuing up behind Kef. Why, the villain of FFVI could cost the leading lady of FFIX her job! What an UNLIKELY turn of events!
"There you go!" Dagger said, cheerfully dumping the large pile of colouring sheets onto the counter next to the toilet paper. "They're complimentary, so don't worry about ANY costs. No one uses them anyway."
"Thank you kindly, Miss Dagger." Kefka said, bowing and swishing his cape about, before claiming the pile of paper and stuffing it into his cape... Or wherever he put the typewriter. What Sephiroth didn't realise was that Kef could just be used as a storage unit, rather than a map reader. Then again, he has more luck reading a map than Sephiroth does ANY day. And, if you're wondering how Seph travelled AAAAAAALLLLLLLLL the way across the Planet to the North Cave without being able to read a map... Well... He's Sephiroth. He doesn't need a map. He just... I dunno. He was in SOLDIER! He knew his way around the OverWorld! By the way, Kefka's still speaking isn't he? "You shall not regret this!"
"Uhh... Okay then." Dagger said.
Then Kefka just ran out of McDonald's and headed back down to the Stationary shop. As he got closer and closer to the Stationary shop, the people (staring at him) were beginning to get thinner and thinner, until they were normal. Then Kef just started singing Rendez-vous by Basement Jaxx, because that is a fitting song. Except he couldn't sing. He was worse than Cloud! And you can't get much worse than Cloud! Actually, you can... I'll give Cloud a break...
"I GOT YOU IN MY HEART, I GOT YOU IN MY HEAD! YOUR MAGIC IT SURROOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUNDS MEE!" He sang at the top of his voice. Now MORE people than EVER were staring at him. "I GOT YOU IN MY HEART, I GOT YOU IN MY HEAD! LET'S MAKE A RENDEZ-VVVOOOUUUSSSS!"
Suddenly he - GASP! - stopped singing! Why? Well, Kefka had just realised that he and Sephiroth never decided on a TIME to rendez-vous! OH NO! He could have been waiting for that scary tall SOLDIER dude for AAAAAAGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSS, but being MORE logical than Sephiroth, Kef decided to go into the chemist's, since that was where he saw Seph go before. Why, what a completly INTELLIGENT thing to do, Kefka! But what Kefka didn't realise was that poor Sephy was too ILLOGICAL to know what rendez-vous even meant. He just presumed he did... He never bothered to even ask him 'Do you know what rendez-vous means?'! ARGH! Well... Maybe it's because Sephiroth's an overrated villain. But Kefka thinks he's popular because he knows what he's doing... ARGH! Kefka's illogical too! Actually, no. No he's not. Why? Because he isn't. He just, like many MANY others, doesn't know that Seph is illogical... But still, Sephiroth's WWAAYY overrated. Everyone likes him. Why? He's not THAT great... Just because he doesn't have weird make-up or crossdress (Just imagine! HAHAHA!)... He's not even as evil as Kefka (or Kuja for that matter)! YES! I KNOW HE KILLED AERIS! But any other villain in that position would have! Everyone just thinks Sephiroth is AMAZING for ACTUALLY doing so! AERIS WAS TRYING TO STOP METEOR WITH HOLY! THAT WAS WHY HE KILLED HER - TO STOP HER FROM STOPPING METEOR! DDDDDDUUUUUUUHHHHHHH! ANY VILLAIN WOULD HAVE DONE THAT! But that doesn't mean I don't like Seph. Otherwise, I would have put something different down. I just think he's overrated for not... Really... Doing... Much... ANYWAY! Enough of my opinion. Let's get back to the story.
Whilst Kefka was strolling (with all eyes on him) up to the chemist's, Sephiroth and 463 were inside the gates of Kuja's manison. Lots of other little Black Mages like 463 were scurrying about, mowing the grass, pruning hedges to look like... Umm... Kuja, and sweeping the crazy paving free of dust or whatever it is that you get in summer... SAND! Anyway, Seph and 463 were stood on the steps outside the big lilac door of the mansion. Suddenly... THE BIG LILAC DOOR OPENED! HURRAY! AND STANDING THERE WAS...
...A guy who was about fourteen years of age, wearing a black sweater and black trousers, a white shirt under the sweater and a green tie (In other words, it was a school uniform). He had short black hair and a weird grin.
"HALLO!" He said cheerfully. "Master Kuja has been expecting you!"
Sephiroth (who had wondered for a second if he was Kuja) just shrugged again. 463 didn't doubt him, because he knew someone was coming to see Kuja and just presumed it was Seph because he asked where Kuja was... OH WELL! Anyway, the guy just ran off from the door laughing manically and went off into another room. 463 sighed and lead Sephiroth into the manison.
"Just ignore the maniac." He sighed, shutting the door. "Follow me to Master Kuja's room."
So, Seph followed 463 around the mansion and up some stairs and around the manison more and up more stairs, then down some stairs and up some more stairs and then around more. After about ten minutes, they FINALLY came to KUJA'S ROOM! YAY! 463 knocked on the door.
"COME IN! CCCCOOOOMMMMEEEE IIIINNNN!" Kuja yelled, excited.
463 then OPENED the door, and they walked in. The room was PURPLE and PINK and WHITE and GOLD! YAY! Well, the rest of the manison was exactly the same... But, OH WELL! Anyway, Kuja was sat at a desk, like the one Kefka has in his chamber... But except painted lilac... Because Kuja is more stylish than Kefka.
"WELCOME TO THE MANSION OF KUJA! YAY!" Kuja excalimed in a voice that sounded very feminine. He had a typewriter too, by the way. Except he wasn't using it. Nah, Kuja's too smooth to use a typewriter. He gets his flunkies to type for him. The only reason Kef doesn't is because his flunkies don't... Really... Have hands... Or are illiterate. Or maybe Kefka just likes to type letters randomly. I dunno. I'm guessing the latter, personally.
KUJA
Aka. Kuja the Crossdresser, Kujie (Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! Ha!), Kuja-San, and I SWEAR EVEN Kuja-Chan! Oh God!
Age: 16? 17? Wasn't he like... The same age as Zidane?
Occupation: Evil Black Mage cloner, Crossdresser
Height: The same of a female his age.
Weapon: ...? Magic? I don't know... I forget stuff like this...
KUJA! YAY! My absolute FAVOURITE Final Fantasy character EVER! Even over AURON! And Auron is pretty kick-ass. First of all, I'm guessing he's the youngest FF villain (unless lil' Eiko's hiding something under that blue mop of hers! MWA HA HA HA! Evil Eiko! WOO! Alliteration! Just like Kefka the Krazy Klown! Tee-hee!), which is cool because he's also the most... Purple. I like purple, and I like Kuja because he wears purple! YAY! Second of all... HE CROSSDRESSES! You could call him... Kuja the Krossdresser, with MORE alliteration, but I already used that joke with Kefka, so... Anyway, CROSSDRESSING! WOW! He confuses people of his gender, and best of all, HE SUITS HIS CLOTHES! Now, you may be thinking that Kefka is also a crossdresser. True, but not to the extent of dear Kujie. Plus, Kef's make-up is ALOT worse than Kuja. Kuja looks good. Kefka doesn't. And Sephiroth... Well... Wouldn't suit crossdressing... You may (or may not, for that matter) have wanted me to put 'Seph suits Aeris's dress!' there. But no. I don't want to poke anymore fun at poor illogical Sephy anymore...
...Well, not until I continue with the story! Which isn't now... HA!
Did I mention Kuja's HAIR is PURPLE? Maybe I did... No, that was just him wearing purple... HE HAS PURPLE HAIR! Until he turned destructive and then it went red when he destroyed all those overgrown shittake mushrooms... Well, actually, if he doesn't use his evil hair enhancer! GASP! HIS HAIR GOES GREY! NOOO! I've seen images where his hair is grey. IT'S PURPLE, DAMMIT! Sort of a lilacish colour...
...Anyway, to summarise... I LIKE KUJA! HE IS THE BEST FINAL FANTASY CHARACTER, AND THE BEST VILLAIN, FOR THAT MATTER! Now, let's get on with the story.
"463!" Kuja said, looking at... Uh... 463. "WHERE IS MY COLOUR ENHANCER?"
"M-Master Kuja! I-I said on the gate t-that...!" 463 stuttered.
"NO EXCUSES!" It seemed Kuja had turned angry at 463, all of a sudden. He yelled, rising from his seat. "GAVIN! GGGEEETTT IIINNN HHHEEEERRREEE!"
Then the weird boy from before came skipping in.
"What is it Master?" Gavin asked, grinning... Strangely... "How may GAVIN be of SERVICE?"
"Take 463 to the DUNGEON!" Kuja yelled. "And whilst you're OUT OF MY SIGHT, you may as well get the MAIL, too!"
"Okie-chokie!" Gavin beamed, suddenly getting out a wooden spoon, with a drawn-on face and blonde wool hair wearing a piece of checked cloth, with bent-out paper clips as arms, and hugging it. "We can do that, RIGHT Gereldene?"
Gereldene didn't reply because... Well... She was a wooden spoon childishly made to look like a person. Gavin skipped off, grabbing 463 by his collar.
"NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" 463 yelled as everything went into slow motion Midgarwood style down the hallway.
Sephiroth just shrugged like the illogical evil dude he is. Then, Kuja turned all nice again.
"Hell-o!" He smiled, clapping. "I'm, like, FFIX's Kuja! WOO!"
"Well, I figured..." Seph replied, scratching the back of his head. Even though he's ILLOGICAL, it doesn't mean he can't figure stuff, like who Kuja is, out. Actually, he didn't know, because he thought Kuja was a guy and Kuja looks NOTHING like a guy. He looks like a girl. If Kuja hadn't have introduced himself, well, Seph would have been confused.
"I've been waiting for you!" Kuja chuckled. Of course, that sentance had so many meanings.
"Really?" Sephiroth asked, because he was too illogical to realise anything. "Because... I don't think we've ever arranged to meet..."
"Oh, umm..." By the way, Kuja isn't NEARLY as ILLOGICAL as Seph. Think what a mess they would have been in if they were BOTH illogical! HAHAHA! Oh well.
Kuja continued slowly, because he didn't THINK Seph was too bright. Everyone seems to think he is, but we know he's not. "You're from the curtain company... Aren't you?"
"No." Sephiroth said. He may be illogical, but he DOES know where he works... Actually, I don't think he does work... Anyway, he's too illogical to work at a curtain company.
"Ooooooooohhhhhhh..." Kuja said, sounding slightly annoyed. "I've been WAITING for AGES for those GODDAMN CURTAIN GUYS!"
Then he knocked a glass off his desk overdramatically and lay on it (the desk, not the smashed glass, because Kuja knows NOT to do that) also overdramatically.
"WHEN WILL THEY COME?" He yelled in a Midgarwood style. "WWWWWHHHHEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNN?"
Sephiroth just blinked because he's illogical... Like that...
"Why do you want curtain guys?" Seph asked.
Kuja sprang up and stood (not on the broken glass, silly!) in a cool pose.
"Well, the curtain company was supposed to bring me swatches! You see, I need some new curtains!" He explained, walking from his cool pose in his cool Kuja walk towards some nice lilac curtains he had that framed a big window in his nice big (mainly) lilac room. "But you see..."
Kuja held out one of the curtains. It had lots of its material cut from it.
"That idiotic flunkie of mine - Gavin - cut out some of the curtain to make matching kimonos for himself and the spoon he calls Gereldene." He continued.
"Why don't you fire him?" Sephiroth asked. That was a question that didn't require much logic... Really... "You have hundreds of those Black Mages. Why do you need a human?"
"Hmm... Well, the truth is, I took Gavin under my wing when he was thrown out by his old Master..." Kuja replied, and then there was a FLASHBACK! YAY!
FFFFFFFFFFFFLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHBBBBBBBBBAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK!
It was last year. I was walking down the street like any other crossdresser... When I heard a voice yelling from inside the mansion of the one we call Tom. AAHHH! WE MUST NOT SPEAK HIS NAME! HE IS SATAN REINCARNATED INTO A TEENAGE BOY! AAAAAARRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH! Anyway, that was when Mr Tom just THREW Gavin out of his mansion, yelling 'YOU! THE ONLY THING YOU'RE USEFUL FOR IS BEING USELESS! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!'. Stopping outside the manison to listen, I then heard Gavin reply 'B-B-But... Gereldene and I were only getting you some hot chocolate, Master Tom!'. Then there was an uproar of 'OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH! GERELDENE THIS, GERELDENE THAT! YOU AND YOU'RE BLOODY SPOON CAN KISS MY ASS!'. To which there was more stuttering of 'B-B-B-But...!'. Then, Tom yelled at him again. 'IT'S JUST A SPOON! GET REAL, YOU COMPLETE LOONATIC! THE SPOON IS NOT YOUR FRIEND, IT IS AN INANIMATE OBJECT!' Then the door slammed. Poor Gavin... I felt SO sorry for him. So, I explained that he could work for me.
FFFFLLLLAAAASSSSHHHHBBBBAAAACCCCKKKK EEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDDD!
"And that's the story!" Kuja confirmed the end of the story, nodding. "I can't fire him. I'd just be repeating Tom's mistakes."
Of course, Kuja is pretty malicious in FFIX... But, oh well... He was mean to 463, I guess. It wasn't his fault there was a disaster for the villains! Well, anyway, Sephiroth didn't really care about Gavin, because he's Sephiroth. Does he care about anything or anyone? Well, himself, Jenova, Reunion and evil hair-gel... BUT THAT'S ALL! It was at that moment that Gavin returned...
"WE PUT 463 IN THE DUNGEON, DIDN'T WE, GERELDENE?" He screeched at the top of his voice, poking his head around the door, then replacing his head with the spoon.
Gereldene didn't say anything.
"THAT'S RIGHT!" He smiled at her. "ISN'T IT?"
"Gavin, did you get the mail?" Kuja asked.
"YES INDEEDY!" Gavin grinned, pushing the guy who was browsing nervously at the chemist's into the room. "SEE? MALE!"
"W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-WHAT'S H-H-H-H-HAPPENING?" The random browsing guy from the chemist's stuttered, before falling onto the floor, twitching strangely.
"Did you bring a male?" Kuja asked, almost rhetorically, sweatdropping Anime-style.
"Yes indeed! DIDN'T WE, GERELDENE?" Gavin spoke to Gereldene again, flinging her about as he did so. "TRA-LEE-LA-LEE-LA-LA-LAAA!"
"THE MAIL BOX!" Yelled Kuja exasperatedly, throwing a Faberge egg at Gavin.
Gavin didn't move because he is undeniably a complete idiot. He just grinned freakishly. The Faberge egg missed because Kuja's aim slipped up with his anger. It smashed into the wall and shattered into little Faberge egg pieces.
"Ohhh..." Gavin said, looking at the pieces. "Do you want me and Gereldene to clean that up?"
"THE MAIL BOX OUTSIDE!" Kuja continued to yell. "GO! NOW!"
"Okie-chokie!" Quoted Gavin again, and then he skipped back out with Gereldene.
Then, there was an uncomfortable silence as Kuja and Sephiroth stared at the guy on the floor, who was twitching... Weirdly... They just shifted uneasily... Waiting for the guy to get up and leave. But he didn't. Meanwhile, Kefka was at the chemist's. He waltzed up to the counter, swishing his cape about.
"GOOD DAY!" He yelled overdramatically as Ayame Sohma's theme began to play in the background.
Zidane was sat behind the counter reading a newspaper (the right way up), because of the lack of buisness. He looked over it and stared at Kefka.
"...Make-up remover's in aisle three." He said quickly, returning to the Peanut cartoons.
"Umm... ACTUALLY, I'm looking for someone!" Kef said, pulling the newspaper down.
Zidane continued to stare at him.
"Is he by any chance a ringleader?"
"Uh... No, not really." Kefka replied, letting go of the newspaper. He was either used to the jokes about clowns, or he didn't understand them.
"Well, Coco, I can't help ya..." Said Zidane. Oh how WITTY you are with your insults, theif-monkey! "How am I supposed to remember EVERY single person who comes here?"
"Ah, the guy I'm looking for stands out quite a bit." Kef explained.
"From what I can remember, no other clowns have been in today." Zidane said bluntly. "Thank you, come again."
"Bu--" Kefka TRIED to expain further, but he was interrupted.
"Thank you, come again!"
"St--"
"THANK YOU. COME AGAIN!" Zidane yelled, slamming his fists on the counter. "If you'll EXCUSE me, I have WORK to do!"
Of course, he didn't have work to do. He had Peanut cartoons in the newspaper to read. Charlie Brown was just about to make a cryptic joke. Kefka just shook his head. There was no getting through to Zidane, so he just headed to the door.
"HEY!" Zidane yelled.
Kef turned back.
"What?"
"Umm... Are you gonna buy anything?" Zidane asked. It was obviously store policy NOT to yell at unpaying customers, for they still have the opportunity to purchase.
"Do you have any Evil frizz-ease?" Enquired Kefka.
"...Uhh... No." Zidane replied slowly, as if Kefka was an idiot. Maybe he thought that, but we all know that Kef really ISN'T an idiot.
"Very well then!" Kefka yelled overdramatically, grabbing something from the nearby shelf and holding it up in pride and swishing his cape around as if he were Vincent. Ayame's theme continued. "I SHALL TAKE THIS NOVELTY SPONGE, SHAPED LIKE A CHOCOBO!"
Zidane stared at him.
"It's a duck... Actually..." He corrected him.
Kefka didn't care that Zidane was trying to interrupt his overdramatic scene... Well, anyway, I'll bet you're wondering what Sephy and Kujie were up to! I'll tell you now... Kuja was poking at the twitching guy with a snooker cue. It didn't stop the twitching... The random guy that doesn't really have an important part in this chapter just continued to twich. I think it's because you're supposed to poke people when they've stopped moving entirely... But Kuja obviously didn't realise this. He isn't stupid, though. It was probably just at the back of his mind. Anyway, he stopped as Gavin returned again.
"WE BROUGHT THE MAIL BOX, DIDN'T WE GERELDENE?" He squealed, dumping the ACTUAL uprooted mail box in the middle of the room.
"GGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNN!" Kuja screamed. "YOU IDIOT! NOW THERE'S DIRT ALL OVER MY CARPET!"
Gavin then started to do a dance with Gereldene, treading the mud further into the carpet and singing. "LAR-DE-DAR-DE-DAR-DE-DARR!"
"THAT DOESN'T MEAN FORCE IT IN FUTHER!" Kuja was turning red with fury, and he immidiatly pointed to a green dog cushion that had bone prints dotted randomly on it in the corner. "GO TO BED! NOW!"
Unaffected by Kuja's loud tone, Gavin skipped to the cushion and curled up and it, cradling Gereldene in his arms.
"Oh, Gereldene!" He exclaimed, shutting his eyes. "FIND ME A DREAM!"
And then he went to sleep. Just like that. After rhyming with what he probably says every time he goes to sleep. Hahahaha! Anyway, that was when Kuja went over to the mail box and opened it up. He didn't bother moving it. Why? Well, he just figured his other slaves would clear it at some point. So, he emptied the contents. Inside was lots and lots of mail, because Kuja is a VERY popular person! YAY!
"Bill..." He said, flicking the 'irrelevant' ones over his shoulder. "Bill... Bill... Bill... GASP! IMPORTANT NOTICE!"
Kuja tore the envelope off in excitement and read the letter out loud, sounding very happy.
"Mr. Kuja, the Alexandria Police have traced the murder of Mr. Tyson Granger of Gay... Uhh... Beyblade to your... records..." His voice suddenly dipped in confusion. "Hand yourself in now or we will seize you when we next see you..."
He stared at Sephiroth.
"Don't look at me." Sephiroth said, shrugging because he's illogical.
"YOU!" Kuja yelled. "YOU! YOU'RE FROM THE POLICE! AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Because he's illogical, Seph just wondered what the hell Kuja was talking about.
"NUMBERS 500 TO 550! GET IN HERE!" Kuja screamed at the top of his voice.
Then, fourty-nine little Black Mages ran in.
"WHAT IS IT, MASTER KUJA?" They all yelled simultaneously.
"What the...? WHERE'S 512?" Kuja excalimed.
"We haven't seen him since we raided the Pepsi HQ!" 538 answered. Was it 538? YES! IT WAS! Why? BECAUSE I WROTE THIS STORY AND I KNOW WHICH BLACK MAGES HAVE DIALOGUE!
"Oh well... PROTECT ME FROM HHHIIIMMMM!" Kuja just squealed, pointing still very overdramatically at Sephiroth.
"Seriously?" Seph said, raising an eyebrow. "Are you suggesting that your flunkies all fight me?"
"No." Kuja said, more calm now that his clones were here. "You may call your Police friends to fight them."
Well, seeing as Sephiroth WASN'T in the Police, he couln't really get back up. So, he just decided to call the next best thing... HIS OWN FLUNKIES! HURRAH!
... ...Uhh... Actually... Not hurrah...
...Because all Sephiroth's minions can do is wobble about, fall off cliffs, give AVALANCHE rare items, hang around Nibelheim and say stuff like 'Reunion' and 'Sephiroth'. So, after he got out the head of Jenova, because apparently she attracts his flunkies, he waited for all of them to come. Which would take a while... But, BUT! Not all of the clones were like that... And suddenly who smashed through the window but KADAJ, YAZOO AND LOZ! They deserve the HURRAH!
"We are here, Brother!" Kadaj said, swinging his dual-bladed sword around. "And we have come for Mother!"
Sephiroth just threw the head of Jenova to the side 'secretivly'. Yes, I know the head of Jenova causes Reunion and changes Kadaj into Sephiroth. But do I CARE about the logic of FFVII Advent Children? NO! NO I DO NOT!
"Uhh... Mother? I thought you guys had her..." He said, scratching the back of his head.
Kuja switched confused glares between Seph and his 'Brothers'.
"What the hell are you talking about? I DEMAND an answer!" Kuja... uuh... Demanded.
"Hhheeeyyy!" Loz said, walking over to Kuja. "Seph, who's your friend? She's hot!"
Kuja punched Loz in the stomach and kicked him in the crotch before tossing him into a wall.
"HHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
"OOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" Loz screamed as if Tifa has just beaten the crap outta him.
After the dust from the impact cleared, Loz had multiple Heads of Jenova dancing around his head singing 'REUNION! REUNION! REUNION! REUNION! REUNION! REUNION! REUNION!'. Yazoo blinked at Loz's mangled body and then looked at Kuja.
"Wow. You're pretty strong for a girl." He said.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Kuja roared in anger and sent Flare in Yazoo's direction.
"Ohmygodimonfire." Yazoo said, falling over in an ash-like state. Just like in the Flash movie!
Kadaj then blinked at both of his brothers.
"I guess you're not the sort of girl who likes flirting and compliments...?" He laughed uneasily, turning towards Kuja's definatly pissed off face.
"I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU!" Kuja yelled. "COME, BAHAMUT!"
And then, a big dragon appeared in the sky... IT WAS BAHAMUT! GASP! And... IT WAS HEADING RIGHT FOR ALEXANDRIA! GASP! And... ALEXANDER CAN'T DO ANYTHING! GASP! Why can't Alexander do anything? Well, he was on his coffee break... And yes, Summonings have coffee breaks. Why? Well, most of the time they're not needed for a battle. Anyway, some of the Summonings work at a big building called the VALEFOR CORPORATION. And yes, Valefor is the head honcho of the company. Otherwise, it wouldn't be called that, would it? DOY! So, Alexander waltzed in to the staff room like he was the Holy element Summoning of the friggin' world. Well, ACTUALLY, he IS the only Holy element Summoning of the Final Fantasy worlds. Except Spira. There wasn't an Alexander in Spira. Did YOU ever see Yuna send one at the end? No, because the only Aeons she had that were traditional were Ifrit, Shiva and Bahamut. AND THERE WERE NO WATER AEONS IN FFX! Would it have HURT AT ALL to have had LEVITAN instead of Valefor? Oh well... We're talking about the FFIX Alexander, not the FFVII Materia Summoning or the FFVIII GF. SO! ON WITH THE POINT OF THIS PARAGRAPH! Alexander waltzed in to the staff room like he was the Holy element Summoning of the friggin' world. Then, he sat on a nice comfy chair and started reading a newspaper! YAY! And then - THEN - he looked over his newspaper to see Bahamut flying towards Alexandria.
"OH SHIT!" He yelled, and got up but then settled right back down. "Ah well. It's not my problem."
"Hey, Alex!" Yojimbo called from the other side of the room, waving a coffee jug about. "Coffee?"
"Sure!" Alexander shouted back. "Milk, no sugar!"
"WE'RE OUT OF MILK!" Cried Yojimbo, waving about an empty bottle of milk.
"OKAY!" Alexander continued to yell. "NO MILK AND ONE SUGAR THEN!"
"WE'RE OUT OF SUGAR!" Yojimbo shouted, waving about an empty tin that was supposed to have sachets of sugar in it.
"THEN ONE SWEETENER!"
Yojimbo waved about then empty sweetener tin, too.
"WE'RE OUT OF SWEETENER!"
"THEN JUST COFFEE WITHOUT MILK OR SUGAR OR SWEETENER!"
Yojimbo then waved the coffee jar about.
"WE'RE OUT OF COFFEE!"
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Yojimbo, you crazy Samurai! Oh well... ANYWAY! The FFIX Bahamut was heading straight for Alexandria! And more importantly... ALEXANDRIA! ...I mean... More importantly... KUJA'S MANSION! Well, anyway, everyone was watching the big dragon soar towards the manison through the window. Except for Yazoo and Loz. They were probably in too much pain to even be bothered! So, at this point, Kadaj looked like he was going to shit himself at any moment. Kuja looked like he was an evil maniac (dddddddduuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh). The Black Mages looked pretty scared, because Bahamut did something to them, didn't he? The chemist guy stopped twitching but lay on the floor without moving at all (now would have been a good time for poking him). Sephiroth just looked around blankly. Not because he's illogical. It's because he could hear a buzzing noise. A buzzing that happened to be more important than the fact that KUJA HAD SUMMONED BAHAMUT AND NOW THAT CRAZY DRAGON WAS HEADING TOWARDS THEM MURDEROUSLY!
...But he was taking his time... Kuja looked at his watch... And YES, Kuja DOES have a watch on his wrist. How come you never see it? It's hidden because of all his wooshy clothes. There's something else I forgot to mention about Kuja! He has wooshy clothes! Yes, he crossdresses, but unlike MOST crossdressers, he SUITS his clothes! Did I say that already? Oh well...
Anyway, the buzzing noise that Sephiroth could hear suddenly got louder, and louder, and LOUDER, until...
THE WALL OF THE ROOM WAS TORN OFF! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! But by what?
Was it a bird? Was it a plane? It was... AN AIRSHIP! And it landed right in the middle of the room!
"WHAT THE?" Kuja yelled, seeing as the Airship seemed too big to fit in the room but it did. "WHO THE GODDAMN HELL IS WRECKING MY MANSION WITH MY AIRSHIP?"
Kefka popped his head out of the window.
"Hey! Seph! Good! You're here!"
Sephiroth stared at him.
"How did you find me?" He asked.
"Some guys at the Mini-Mart told me. I had to pay 'em a couple of Gil, but it was worth it, seeing as we never decided a time to rendez-vous!" Kefka grinned... Strangely.
"Ron-day-vu...?" Seph said, looking slightly confused, and also slightly upset that he didn't know what a ron-day-vu was! Aww! Poor little illogical Sephy. I'm guessing his Mother(s) never gave him an IQ Builder. Well, it was pretty hard for her to. Jenova was in a glass case, and Lucrecia was living an almost suicidal life in a cavern. She wanted to die, but Jenova wouldn't let her die. Lucrecia had Jenova inside her, because she was Sephiroth's REAL Mother. Neither of them really ever knew the benefits of Mother's day, either. Well, Jenova did. But that was only because the SHMs love her to bits. Hahahahahaha!
"Quick! Get on the Airship before the owner comes!" Kef yelled obliviously.
"I'm the owner." Kuja said. "Of the mansion and the Airship."
Kefka looked at Kuja.
"Oh... Crap."
So, Bahamut was now coming, and Sephiroth was trying to be logical to figure out what to do! So, he did the only thing that seemed sensible! He grabbed Kuja and jumped aboard the Airship. Kuja struggled, and screamed at his minions.
"HEY! I'M BEING KIDNAPPED HERE!"
None of them did anything, because at that moment, Kefka lifted the Airship off, and crashed through the mansion and around in a circle and-- Wait... Kefka can't fly Airships! So he was pretty much flying it out of control. Anyway, Seph and Kuja were on board, so Kuja just ran to the bridge and pushed Kefka off the controls.
"YOU'LL KILL US ALL!" He yelled, gaining the controls.
"Hey! Hey! Puple bitch!" Kefka shouted, throwing a fire spell at Kuja. "GET BACK!"
Kuja went flying into a wall at the side with the force of the fire spell. Which level was the fire spell? I dunno. I don't care, either. Then Kefka regained the controls, and laughed manically, flying the ship in a 360 degree corkscrew, and not caring about it, either!
"BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAA!"
I'll bet you're expecting Kuja to get RIGHT back up and kick Kefka's ass. But, no. No, he can't get up. Why? Poor Kujie has been K.O'd by the evil krazy klown. Lots of alliteration there! I'll bet, again, that you're wondering where Seph is. Well, I'll tell you now. He was regaining balance, only just, and holding on to the doorway of the bridge. Of course, even though he's illogical, he couldn't BELIEVE Kefka's STUPIDITY!
"KEFKA! YOU IDIOT!" He yelled. "JUST LET HIM FLY THE DAMN AIRSHIP!"
Of course, he knew that Kuja was K.O'd, and threw about 33948729840913294713971837852737283754273785729837520843572458511335887193973073 Phoenix Downs towards him. I know you can only usually carry 99, but this is SEPHIROTH we're talking about, and he can carry as many Phoenix Downs as he wants!
...Except in his utter stupidity, the entire bridge was now filled with feathers.
"PPPRRRFFFFFF!" Kuja splurted a few Phoenix Downs out of his mouth. "W-- PRRFFF!"
As soon as he did, though, more feathers entered his mouth! Anyway, because of the feathers, Kefka couldn't see (not like he was paying much attention anyway) where he was flying the Airship! GASP!
And they went flying right into... AN EMPTY SPACE! And they kept going! Suddenly, all the Phoenix Downs that didn't revive Kuja (that's 33948729840913294713971837852737283754273785729837520843572458511335887193973072 Phoenix Downs exactly) came up with 'MISS' and disappeared.
"Phew..." Kuja said, gasping for air.
"Whoo-hoo!" Kefka yelled, raising his fist in the air. "We're flying!"
"YOU KIDNAPPED ME!" Kuja shouted at Sephiroth, who just obliviously walked to where Kefka was in the pilot's seat.
"Kefka, get out and let him fly the ship."
But Kefka ignored him... KEFKA IGNORED SEPHIROTH? OH GOD THAT IS NOT GOOD! So, Seph just pulled Kef out of his seat and threw him across the bridge! Wowzers... Violence! Then Kuja hopped back into the pilot's seat.
"Ahem... Whoo-hoo!" Kuja yelled, raising his fist into the air. "We're flying!"
Of course, Kuja knew how to fly an Airship. And he was able to get them... Back... On... Course... ... ... ... NOT!
When Kefka was flying the Airship manically, they had lost their position! GASP!
"Where are we?" Kuja asked, looking at the weird terrain below.
"YOU SHOULD KNOW!" Kefka yelled, jumping right back up.
"I don't know! You're the smart-ass who lost our position!" Kuja shouted.
"So we're practically LOST?" Excalimed Kefka.
"Oh... Great..." Sephiroth groaned, shaking his head.
They were LOST! AS IN THE DRAMA! LOST!
"JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!" Kate screamed at the top of her voice. But it was too late for a LOST parody to be slotted into this chapter.
BASS IT!
(Poof! That took a while! No reviews? SEE! I TOLD YOU I'D PUT 463 IN THE DUNGEON! So you'd better review NOW, or I'll kill off... CID! Which one? I haven't quite decided yet... Let's get some FAQs in here too, please! ...Okay, slight change of plan. I have some reviews, so I'm not gonna kill anyone.)