THE QUEST FOR THE EVIL HAIR PRODUCTS!
"I am wise." Said Obi-Wan.
"AND I DIG HOLES!" Darth Maul yelled angrily. But it was too early for there to be a Star Wars parody here.
NOTE: Ultimecia appears in this chapter, but she doesn't join the group until later on. But she does help them. Alot. Read on! She even has a profile!
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Final Fantasy, or its related characters. That is owned by Square. As is Kingdom Hearts, which is also owned by Disney, but that's a similar thing. I do not own Grandia or Liete (Ubi Soft/Game Arts). I do not own the Flash Movie the Kingdom Hearts Chonicles. That is owned by a very funny, clever person who likes KH. I do not own Mentos, either. They are owned by some dude who likes to make mints for a living. THERE'S NO LIMIT! WOO!
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CHAPTER FIVE - RANDOM CRAZY OBSTRUCTIONS!
Sssssssssssssssssoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo... The four villains were aboard their (ahem... I mean Kuja's) Airship and flying off towards the North of Spira(mory), because that's where Zanarkand is, numbskull! It seemed like Seymour knew who had stolen their Evil hair products, and he was drawing a picture of what they looked like.
"This is a picture of Shuyin, quite frankly the WORST Final Fantasy villain EVER." Seymour explained, holding up his childish drawing. "He has bleached blonde hair, lives in Zanarkand and is a Blitzball player."
He pretty much described Tidus then, but it was still a pretty accurate description of Shuyin.
"Are you absolutly sure he stole the Evil stuff?" Kefka asked, still TRYING TO FIGURE OUT how to navigate. "He just looks like a harmless stick-man to me... Hey, aren't you like... A painter? Shouldn't you draw, like, better?"
"SHUT UP!" Seymour snapped. "I'm a PAIN-TER, not a painter!"
"What's the difference?"
"Oh, THERE'S A DIFFERENCE!"
"Guys. Focus." Sephiroth said, not looking very pleased about the two of them arguing. "How long is it until we get to Zan-arc-hand now?"
"It shoudln't be long, considering the fact we're in an Airship." Seymour replied, calming down slightly. "I mean... This IS an Airship, isn't it?"
He looked at Kuja as he said this. But Kuja couldn't see, seeing as he kept his eyes on the... air... and was a SENSIBLE Pilot! All other Pilots should be ASHAMED of themselves! ASHAMED, I SAY!
"Yes." Seph replied blankly. "This is an Airship."
"Good."
So, anyway, they FINALLY reached Zanarkand. But, it was still a lifeless pile of rubble in the evening sunset.
"Listen to my story." Sephiroth said, stood at the top of the hill. "This... May be our last chance."
"Uhh... I'm confused." Kuja said, turning to Seymour. "Does someone actually live in these ruins?"
"Well, no. Not anymore." Seymour replied sheepishly. "I mean... Shuyin USED to, but..."
"So, we're pretty stuck because this dude lives in the past?"
"...That is entirely correct..."
"...Hmmm... Well, if he lives in the past... All we have to do is travel into the past, right?"
Seymour suddenly payed FULL attention to Kuja, as did Kefka. And Seph. He had just jumped off the hill.
"You have a plan?" Seymour asked in his ritzy voice.
"There is a Sourceress I know called Ultimecia." Kuja explained. "She's in the world known as..."
"DISNEYLAND?" Sephiroth squealed. Actually, he'd probably never say that, so instead, he said nothing.
"SEAWORLD?" Kefka prompted.
"No..." Kuja said.
"SAVETHEPURPLEPENGUINSVILLE?" Seymour prompted.
"No!" Kuja said angrily, since they were all interupting him.
"...Pier One?" Kefka asked, since there weren't many other places where Kuja might have known people from.
"If only..." Kuja replied, hanging his head in defeat. I guess he really... Likes... Pier One! "No, it's not any of those. It's Ultimecia Land."
"Ultimecia Land?" The others asked simultaniously.
"Yeah, I know, but, like, she literally CONTROLS the future, so it's like, WOO! Ultimecia Land! WOO!"
Of course, Kuja was talking about the FFVIII world, that Ultimecia rules over in the future. It didn't have a name like Spira or Gaia. It was just... The 8th World, I guess, until Ultimecia came and turned it into Ultimecia Land. Which is kind of a DOY factor, but at least it's a better name than the Planet (FFVII). PWEH!
So, to save me the awful job of having to write that they boarded the Airship and set off for Ultimecia Land and then had some dialogue aboard the Airship and then arrived at Ultimecia Land, let's just go straight to Ultimecia Land, okay?
"Wow..." Sephiroth said, staring at Ultimecia's big scary castle from where they were all stood outside Edea's House. "So, uh, why are we here?"
"Ultimecia has the power to compress time and travel through it." Kuja replied. "I'm sure if we ask her, she can send us to the past of Zanarkand."
Of course, the irony of Final Fantasy meant they would have to do something like fight a boss, or run some errands for her, before they could go to Zanarkand. Well, anyway, let's skip ahead to the castle.
"We'll split into pairs and meet at Ultimecia's room." Sephiroth said, like the EXCELLENT leader he is. Sarcasm intended. "Okay? BREAK!"
He began to walk off, but the others didn't budge.
"Uh, Sephiroth... Aren't we supposed to sort out the pairs before we break?" Kefka asked.
Seph walked back to the group.
"OKAY! OKAY! We'll do this YOUR way!" He yelled.
And so, the PHS party forming screen thingy-mi-bob came up.
"OOH! OOH! OOH! What does this do?" Seymour asked, seeing as how there never was a party-forming screen in FFX and he only got to fight in the group once against Sinspawn Gui alongside an unswitchable party with Auron and Yuna and it was a VERY easy battle and he has a cool Overdrive.
"It's a party forming screen, jackass." Sephiroth replied coldly. "For forming parties with. In our case, pairs."
Is it... What I think it is...? SEPHIROTH IS BEING LOGICAL! Oh my God I can't believe it! ... ...I've never been this far away from home and oh my God I can't believe... ANYWAY! On with the decisions!
"I want Cloud and Squall!" Wakka's voice yelled. But it was too much of a NON yaoi moment anyway for WAKKA to be involved!
"I'm quite okay going with anyone." Seymour announced.
"OKAY!" Sephiroth yelled. "YOU CAN GO WITH KEFKA!"
And then he immidiatly pushed Kefka over to Seymour, since he didn't want to get lost and Kuja obviously knew his way around the place, but secretly made it look like he didn't like Kefka.
"Okay, SUPER! Team KUJA! WOO!" Kuja yelled, grasping Seph's wrist and running towards the doors. "Let's get going, everyone!"
But, the other two just stood there like... Spare parts, just like Zell, Selphie and Rinoa did when I played FFVIII and was at Ultimecia's Castle. I had overused Squall, Quistis and Irvine, and changing my party would mean I would die. Just like that. Hahaha... (ha) I hate that SO MUCH.
"Alright, you blue haired psychopath, let's find this crazy lady!" Kefka said.
"Alright, you scary blonde clown, let's find this crazy lady!" Seymour said.
So, they set off too. Meanwhile, with Kuja and Sephiroth...
"This is the short-cut!" Said Kuja, pulling a chain.
Nothing happened.
"Uh... Isn't that supposed to do something?" Seph asked, seeing as it didn't do anything.
Kuja didn't say anything. He just began to laugh manically.
"What the hell is so funny?" Sephiroth asked coldly, because he didn't like being laughed at.
When Kuja stopped laughing, he let go of the chain.
"You better-- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Yes, yes, what you think has happened has actually happened. Sephiroth has been mauled to death by some strange beings. No, just kidding, he fell down a hole that opened up below him as soon as that crazy Kuja let go of that crazy chain! So, as you know, that is the short cut, so Kuja just JUMPED DOWN, just LIKE THAT, to take the short cut. Then, they just fell to outside Ultimecia's room. Yes, from the sky! That sourceress sure has some weird secret passageways. I wonder if their powers are sealed? I'm guessing not. It's because they're villains. Villains' powers can't be stopped by other villains. Only good guys can have their powers stopped by villains. And not the other way around... Unless your the... EVIL EIKO! Hahahahahahahahahahaha! HA!
"Ow... That hurt..." Sephiroth said, lying on the floor.
Kuja stood up.
"Oh, hey you two!" He said, waving at Seymour and Kefka who were stood at the door, looking pretty angry.
"DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG WE'VE BEEN WAITING HERE?" Seymour screeched, his big veins throbbing.
"Well, judging from the space-time-continuum floating around Ultimecia's time compressing time compressingness..." Kuja said, sounding very smart. "I'd say about 5 hours!"
"YES! THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT!" Yelled Seymour, waving his (long) hands about.
"So it wasn't a short cut at all?" Sephiroth asked, still just... Lying on the floor.
"Well, for us it was." Kuja answered. "It only took us about 5 seconds to get here."
So, anyway, it was to save time, completely! WOO-HOO! Now, let's see what happened when the four of them actually went into Ultimecia's room. She was sat in her big tall chair like she was the evil villain of the friggin' world! Oh, wait... She is... Of this world, anyway.
"...SeeD..." Ultimecia said quietly, but then her tone rose. "...SeeD, SeeD, SeeD!"
"Hel-lo, you crazy psycopath!" Kuja chuckled. "Seed, indeed!"
"OH MY GOD! IT'S EVEN WORSE THAN SEED! IT'S... KUJA!" Ultimecia screamed, her eyeballs almost popping out of their sockets in horror.
"That's right! Tee-hee-hee-hee!" Giggled Kuja.
Ultimecia spread her wings, and hovered down.
"Kurse you, Kuja! Travelling akross worlds and times to kome and annoy me!"
ULTIMECIA
Aka. Sourceress Ultimecia, Crazy Lady, Ultima (confused fans)
Age: "I can't tell if she's spicy or just seasoned!" - Quote from one of Leblanc's Fem-Goons, FFX-2.
Occupation: Crazy Evil Possessing Sourceress
Height: Pretty damn tall, when she was in that chair!
Weapon: Magic and GREIVER! ARGH! THAT IS AN ANNOYING BATTLE!
From Ultimecia the creators of Final Fantasy X and X-2 defined Yunalesca and Leblanc. I can't say it the other way around, Ultimecia is a mix of Yunalesca and Leblanc, becuase she was in an earlier Final Fantasy to them, hence they were defined from her. I wounder if it was those crazy creators' intentions? Gotta love the dude who makes up these weird and wonderful characters!
Anyhoo, everybody's favourite Sourceress, above any that appeared in Disney or in other films about magic and stuff, actually makes the other Sourceresses... Sourceresses! Edea wouldn't have been a Sourceress if Ultimecia wasn't possessing her! She'd just be a random... Scary lady, who just LOOKED like she was a Sourceress. In fact, after Ultimecia stopped possessing her, she actually WAS just a random scary lady (with a very, very, very, incredibly stupid headress). Except, I like Edea, so I won't be unfair. I'll just say she went back to being good old Matron!
Well, as for RINOA! WOW! She became POSSESSED when ULTIMECIA passed from EDEA to her! Except, Rinoa didn't try to dominate the world. I always wondered why that was... And what about in the final battle when Rinoa came forward, got her ass convincingly kicked, and then got absorbed into time? Did Ultimecia actually KNOW that she was practically absorbing HERSELF into time? Rinoa came forward when I let my guard down for a second and Quistis got absorbed into time. I was all, like, NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOW ONLY IRVINE AND SQUALL ARE USEFUL! Anyway, I won't get into the weave of that battle. It was the furthest I got, and I FINALLY got past Greiver, but then Ultimecia joined with him and I was like OH GOD NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Then I lost. Goddamn Meteor.
Did I mention that she pronounces Ks as Cs? Kefka's about to be very happy. WOO! Oh well, I'm going to end this profile now, seeing as Ultimecia's not going to join the group.
"I didn't come to annoy you!" Kuja laughed. "Actually, we came to ask a favour of you."
"Oh..." Ultimecia said slowly. "What? What do you want?"
"We were just wondering if you could compress us into the past!"
She walked over to Kuja.
"And why do you want me to do that?"
He didn't answer. Ultimecia walked over to Sephiroth.
"Wait a minute. I know you! You're that krazy imbecile from Final Fantasy VII! You kame from a krappy experiment and you krushed everyone that got in the way of your kruel murderous rampage! Then you krossed the krazy line of villainous kraziness by killing that Aeris and taking her away from her darling Klowd!"
"Listen, lady." Sephiroth said, wiping his face free of spit with his hand. "Say it, don't spray it."
Slightly offended, Ultimecia just kast... Uhh... Cast Holy on him, then walked back to Kuja.
"Why do you want me to kompress you through time, then?"
"We need to get to a place called Zanarkand. We can get there, but we need to be in the PAST of Zanarkand." Kuja explained. "Can you help us?"
"I kould, but I kan't right now." Ultimecia replied. "You see, the watch I use to kompress into the past with is broken, and I kan't get it fixed, bekause there are no watch places here in the future. The only way to get into the past is by the portals on the chain outside the kastle."
"Then, why don't you use them to find a watchmakers?"
"If I did that, I wouldn't be able to return to this time. I need to be in this kastle to kompress time."
"Well... Uhh...Don't you own this world? Can't you force people to build a watchmakers?"
"I kould, but much use it would be, seeing as how no one in this age kan fix a watch anyway. It would just be stupid building a place when no one has the skills to work in it, if you understand what I mean."
"Hmm..." Kuja said. "That's a tough nut to crack..."
"I have an idea!" Seymour spoke up. "We could always take the watch into the past for you to get it fixed."
"Wow. Now why didn't I ask you nice boys to do that first?" Ultimecia asked herself in a dumb-old-woman-symathetic-I-love-cute-widdle-boys voice. "Kould you do that for me?"
"We sure could!" Kuja excalimed.
Ulitmecia reached into one of her pockets with a crazy witch-like hand.
"Here you go." She said, handing a small old-fashioned hand-held watch to Kuja. It's not like it's gonna be a tiny digital one with a wrist strap! "I'll kompress you when you kome back."
OBTAINED KEY ITEM: ULTIMECIA'S WATCH
"Right-o!" Kuja said, before he grabbed one of Sephiroth's arms and ran off.
Seymour followed, and Kefka did too, even though he didn't really do much in this scene. Anyway, they all went back to the chain, and after Seymour cast Full-Life on him, Sephiroth recovered.
"Argh..." He whined. "That crazy spitting lady cast Holy on me!"
"We know." The others said.
"We have to go to one of the cities in the past of this world." Kuja said. "If we can get Ultimecia's past watch fixed, she can compress us into the past of Zanarkand!"
So, they all jumped off the chain into one of those Greco-Roman style portals, just to save time. COMPLETLEY! And then... They came out in the magical city of... Esthar! YAY!
And suddenly... Kiros and Ward came running up! YAY! They were holding a big banner that said 'WELCOME TO ESTHAR!'. After about five minutes of an awkward silence, who dropped out of the sky but... SUPERMAN! YAY! Just kidding. It was Laguna! BOO!
"Wilkommen ein Esthar!" Laguna said, as if he knew German but didn't. "Welcome to Esthar! I am Laguna Loire, the President of Esthar!"
"Whatever." The villains said simultaniuosly, and then walked off.
"WAIT! WAIT!" Laguna whined. "Please don't go! If I'm not a good host then EVERYONE will know I killed my wife at Ward's birthday party!"
Ward's jaw dropped (as did Kiros's).
"I KNEW IT! IT WASN'T A COINCIDENCE!" He yelled.
Then Kiros and Laguna stared at him.
"Uh, Ward?" Kiros asked. "You're... NOT mute?"
"Umm... I... Uh... ..."
Then there was silence. Ward just shrugged, and then Kiros slowly turned back to Laguna.
"Anyway... YOU KILLED HER! YOU MURDERER!"
The villains had taken this opportunity to sneak away and find a Watchmaker's. They had ended up in the shopping centre.
"Wow... Sure are alot of weird shops around here." Sora said, walking through with his Keyblade in hand.
"Hey, look! It's that kid from Kingdom Hearts!" Kefka yelled, pointing at him. "What do they call him, again."
"Sora." Seph said dully.
Anyway, Sora didn't notice the villains. And then, who walked up but... SQUALL! Ahem... Leon... Squall... Leon... Squall... Leon... WHATEVER!
"Hey, is that a Keyblade?" Squall asked.
"Yup." Sora said.
"Can I... Can I touch it?" Enquired Squall hopefully.
"Nooo!" Sora replied.
"Can I smell it?"
"No you crazy psycho!"
"Very well then... I shall take it by force!"
And, if you've ever seen the Kingdom Hearts Chronicles, you'll know where it goes. Squall tried to grab Sora's Keyblade but it kept teleporting RIGHT BACK to him!
"Can I intrest you in a mindless slave?" Kuja ran over to them, holding up two Black Mages that he magically drew from his mansion.
"AWWWW! Aren't they adorable?" Sora squealed. "Goo-goo-ga-ga-goo-goo-ga-ga!"
"Don't patronise me." The Black Mage on the left said.
"YIKES!" Sora yelled, and then ran off. With his Keyblade.
"Thanks alot, loser." Squall said. "Now I've lost the Keyblade Master!"
"Tough luck!" Kuja giggled, then sent the Black Mages back to his mansion and went back over to the group.
"Hey, wait a minute, I know you!" Squall yelled, pointing towards Sephiroth. "You're that dude that killed Aerith!"
"IT'S AERIS, YOU JERK!" Aeris yelled over the balcony of the floor above, and she threw her staff down like a boomerang and it hit Squall over the head (and then, fairly obviously, she caught it).
"OWCH!" He cried. "YEAH! AND I'M CALLED SQUALL!"
"YOU ARE CALLED SQUALL!"
"LLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNN!"
"AAAAAAAEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSS!"
"MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAA!" Yuffie screamed, and then she fell off the balcony and died.
"OH MY GOD! WE KILLED YUFFIE!" Squall shouted in a guilt-ridden voice.
"WE'RE BASTARDS!" Aeris shouted in exactly the same tone.
"WHAT THE HELL IS WITH ALL THE NOISE?" Cloud yelled, also appearing randomly and standing next to Aeris to look over the balcony. "I'D LIKE TO BE ON MY LUNCH BREAK IN PEACE!"
"YUFFIE'S DEAD!" Aeris screamed in his ear.
"DON'T DO THAT! I'M STOOD RIGHT NEXT TO YOU!"
"I DON'T CARE!"
"WHY IS EVERYONE STILL SCREAMING?" Squall yelled from below.
"SHUT THE HELL UP, LEON!"
"SEE, AERITH? CLOUD CALLS ME LEON!"
"IT'S AAAAAAAEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" Aeris roared at the top of her voice and then summoned Bahamut (FFVII).
"Top o' da mourning to ya!" Bahamut said in an Irish accent. "Ahm Baha O'Mut! Ahm also da ghost of Christmas pahst, and I'm luvin' each day as if eet's mee lahst!"
"Actually, I've changed my mind. Go away, Bahamut." Aeris said.
"Ohkay..." Bahamut said in a sad Irish accent, and then he flew off.
Then, Sora came running back.
"Hey! CLOUD!" He yelled up to the balcony. "I FOUND THAT YAOI COMIC YOU WANTED ME TO BUY SO YOU DON'T SEEM ALL THAT MUCH OF A YAOI SUBJECT!"
"Why am I about 9 years old?" Selphie asked since this was Esthar even though this is a KH parody and she's supposed to be 17 in the FFVIII world.
"Same here." Tidus said, because KH made no sense because the young Tidus in FF wasn't blonde and in KH he was! GASP!
Wakka wasn't there because one, he didn't have a voice actor in KH, and two, his older FF form was being tortured by Ultimecia at her castle as all this was happening.
"AND US!" Yuna, Rikku and Paine yelled. "Y-R-P! LET'S GO GULLWINGS! WOO!"
"GIMME THE COMIC, SORA!" Cloud yelled, flying down with his one wing.
But, seeing as how the one wing is only benefitial if you're Sephiroth, Cloud capsised and hovered down, rather than flew. Then he landed in a flower bed that was randomly placed there for decoration.
"Okay... OW!" He said, then he jumped right out, with a few geraniums and soil stuck on the top of his head.
Then, who came running in but... KIROS AND WARD! YAY! And about five minutes later... LAGUNA! BOO!
"Hey!" Laguna yelled, pointing at all of those CRAZY characters. "YOU'RE ALL UNDER ARREST!"
"On what offence?" Aeris asked, making everything go in slow-mo like the Matrix so she could get safely to the bottom. Why aren't any of these people using the stairs or the elevator?
"Okay, FIRST OF ALL, you're all wrecking the mall." Laguna replied, then he pointed to Cloud. "Second of all, you're meant to be looking after your store, and you have loads of customers complaining about your very VERY long lunch breaks! WHY CAN'T ANYONE GET A GODDAMN POTION IN THIS CITY?"
"Uh... Come again?" Cloud asked.
"THIRD OF ALL..." He continued oblviously, pointing to the Villains. "You guys walked away from me! THAT HURT! YOU MADE ME CRY! YOU MADE ME - THE PRESIDENT - CRY!"
Then, he burst into tears. Five minutes later, he continued.
"AND! AAAAANNNNNNNNDDDDDDDD! You're villains, too! ONE VILLAIN IS BAD ENOUGH, BUT FOUR OF THEM?"
"Hey, Seph." Cloud said, waving.
"Hiya!" Aeris also said, waving too.
"Uh... Hey guys..." Sephiroth replied, wondering why they were on such good terms with him... ANYWAY!
"AHEM!" Laguna yelled. "FOURTH OF ALL, YOU PARKED YOUR ELECTRIC CAR OVER THE LINE!"
He pointed back to Cloud.
"Uh... Yeah, well... It's an automatic parking system." He said.
"FIFTH OF ALL, YOU FIVE TOOK PART IN PROFESSOR ODINE'S AGE-CHANGING EXPERIMENT!" Laguna continued, now pointing towards Selphie, Tidus, Yuna, Rikku and Paine.
"True..." Auron said, appearing in his sunglassess-less Kingdom Hearts-ness.
Laguna then pointed to him.
"SIXTH OF ALL, YOU WERE A SUMMONING OF HADES! THAT'S BAD!"
"True..." Auron repeated himself, but in a different tone.
"SEVENTH OF ALL, YOU TWO KILLED YUFFIE! SHE WAS MY EXECUTIVE SECRETARY OF... EXECUTIVE SECRETARYNESS!" Cried Laguna, pointing now to Aeris and Squall.
"I find that hard to believe." Squall said, raising an eyebrow.
"IT'S TRUE! SHE HAD ONE DAY UNTIL RETIREMENT!"
"I find THAT hard to believe." Aeris argued, manually raising an eyebrow since she couldn't actually raise one.
"Well, uh, WHATEVER! You're ALL going to court! ALL OF YOU!"
So, let's just skip ahead to court! WOO! First of all, they dealt with Squall and Aeris.
"Squall Leonheart and Aeris Gainsborough..." Kelk Ronso said, since he was the judge. "You have been found guilty of the murder of Yuffie Kisaragi. True?"
"Well, we HAVE been found guilty of the murder, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN WE DID IT!" Aeris replied.
Lionel Hutz, the dude that is always the lawyer for the Simpsons, came forward.
"Your honour, I have found evidence that supports the fact that Yuffie Kisaragi committed suicide! 100!" He said.
"And what is that?" Kelk asked. "Present your information!"
"Uh... Well, she WAS the President's exectutive secretary of absolutly nothing!" Hutz said.
"Okay, case closed, no need for the Jury." Kelk said. "I find these two NOT GUILTY!"
"WOOHOO!" Aeris yelled.
"Yay." Squall said dully, since he didn't really care.
Lionel Hutz screamed in absolute joy, and ran out of the court room like a maniac. Aeris and Squall sat down, and Laguna bashed his head against the table he was sat at.
"Okay... Our next case... Cloud Strife and his abuse of his shop and automatic parking system." Kelk announced.
Cloud walked up to the stand.
"Cloud Strife..." Kelk said, leaning over. "Apparently you own a shop in the Esthar department store. True?"
"Yeah." Cloud replied.
"Then, what do you sell?"
"Well, your honour, I am the ONLY person in Esthar that sells Potions, Phoenix Downs, Hi-Potions, Ethers, Antidotes, Softs, Echo Screens, Eye Drops, Tents, Fuel and Mentos!" Cloud said proudly, as if it were a commercial. Then he looked at the screen. "That's right everyone - THE FRESH MAKER!"
"This is NOT an advertising agency!" Kelk roared in his Ronso-ness.
Then Cloud immidetly shut up.
"Y-Yes your honour! I-I mean... NO YOUR HONOUR!" He whined.
"Well, let's just go to the witnesses. Electric Car?" Kelk asked.
Then, the Electric Car came chugging in at the speed of a snail. After about ten minutes, he got to his stand.
"Cloud is a MEAN, ABUSIVE driver!" The Electric Car said. "He threw up out of my window!"
The whole court then gasped.
"Oh, YEAH! Tell the whole galaxy!" Cloud said sarcastically.
"NEWS FLASH!" A Press Reporter yelled, running in randomly. "CLOUD STRIFE THREW UP OUT OF A CAR WINDOW! THE WHOLE ENTIRE FINAL FANTASY GALAXY KNOWS!"
Cloud rolled his eyes.
"Oh for the love of..."
"Okay, you can go now, Electric Car." Kelk said.
Then, the Electric Car chugged off at the speed of a snail.
"Our next subject for this case is Vincent Valentine." Kelk continued once the car had gone.
Then, Vincent jumped down onto the stand like he was Vince-- Oh... Wait...
"Your honour..." He said. "I am much obliged to say that Cloud Strife is a good friend of mine. But, I must add, that in Kingdom Hearts, he wasn't JUST cosplaying me. He was cosplaying me BADLY."
"Are you really obliged to say Cloud Strife is a good friend of yours?" Kelk asked.
"Your honour, I have no idea what the hell I am talking about." Vincent admitted.
"Uh, your honour..." Cloud said. "Vincent Valentine not ONLY tried to steal Aeris from me, but he ALSO tried to steal TIFA away from me, too! He doesn't want me to be happy!"
"What does that have to do with it?" Vincent asked.
"Uh... You like my girls?"
"I have too many fangirls. I have to get rid of them somehow. Lucrecia didn't seem to do so."
"That's because she's dead and stuff... You know... INSIDE..."
"True enough... Fine, I'll meet you halfway. You can have Tifa. I can have Aeris."
"No. I want Aeris!"
"Fine, you can have Aeris, I can have Tifa."
"...NO! I want Tifa... No, WAIT! I want Aeris! ...WAIT! YOU CAN'T HAVE EITHER! YOU'RE A SECRET CHARACTER! You should have YUFFIE instead!"
"Yuffie's dead, and I HATE YUFFIE! ARGH! Those SICK people who were SICK ENOUGH to write YUFFITINES! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"Excuse me." Kelk said. "We have a case to solve here. Vincent Valentine?"
"Yes, your honour?" Vincent asked.
"You are dismissed."
"Cool."
Then Vincent jumped up into the shadows of the ceiling, never to be seen... For a while.
"What does the jury think?" Kelk asked.
"Not guilty." Jury Person 1 said.
"Not guilty." Jury Person 2 said.
"Not guilty." Jury Person 3 said.
"Not guilty." Jury Person 4 said.
"GUILTY!" Laguna yelled, waving his arms about manically.
"President Loire. You are not part of the jury." Kelk said.
"...Well... I tried." Laguna sighed, sitting back in his seat.
"Well, I declare Cloud Stife GUILTY because I am the judge an I can do whatever the HELL I like!" Kelk said, and then he banged the gavel. "Case closed."
"SHIT!" Cloud shouted. "Oh God...! WHAT DO I DO?
Then Security pulled him off of the stand and dragged him out as he yelled 'NNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!' Midgarwood style.
"Okay. Next up, Sora the Surnameless One." Kelk said.
Sora walked up onto the stand, but then he was too small to see over it. So, some dudes came and put books under his... Very large feet.
"Hey-hey!" Sora said, waving his Keyblade about.
"WHY DOES HE HAVE A WEAPON?" Kelk yelled.
"Uh, we tried to take it off him, your honour, but it kept teleporting right back into his hand!" One of the Security dudes said.
"Oh... THESE TRIALS ARE IN SHAMBLES!" Kelk sighed. "Right, Sora isn't guilty..."
"WOO! GO ME!" Sora excalimed, then he danced like a maniac as he left the stand, singing. "WHEN YOU WALK AWAY, YOU DON'T HEAR ME SAY... PPPPPPPPPPLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, OH BBBBAAAAAAABBBBBBBYYYYYYYY... DON'T GO!"
Kelk looked at his list.
"Okay, bring on Kuja the Crossdresser."
Kuja walked up to the stand in his cool Kuja walk.
"Kuja... Uh... You're not guilty."
"Super!" Kuja said, and then walked RIGHT OFF!
"Okay... A REAL case. Ahem... Please come to the stand... Sephiroth... The OTHER Surnameless One."
Sephiroth then walked up to the stand.
"Sephiroth, you have been found guilty of murder more times than anyone else. Please take a seat, whilst we tie you to the chair with Eez-E-Break Dental Floss."
"I SELL THAT TOO!" Cloud yelled, poking his head around the door. Then he was pulled back.
"NO!" Sephiroth yelled. "You can't tie me to a chair! Where the hell's my lawyer! I DEMAND A GODDAMN LAWYER!"
"Hey Seph!" Loz said, standing next to his stand. "I'm your lawyer!"
"OH MY GOD! OMGDIHFJAWSDJKAWJREKFJO!1111!y341862431738eyqjugfw3i5hjt9!" Seph yelled, and then he released a very powerful Thundaga on Loz.
But, fortunatly, Loz had equipped Thunder-Proof armour. It's logical! No, actually, it's not. He just happened to be wearing Thunder-Proof armour.
"Hehehehe! That tickles!" He chuckled.
"Loz. Go away. I hate you. I hate Kadaj, I hate Yazoo, I hate YOU. You are the poorest excuse for a lawyer... EVER..."
"But I AM a lawyer!" Loz grinned.
"...Then... DENY EVERYTHING!" Sephiroth said, before some heavily armoured dudes pulled him into a chair and tied him to it with Eez-E-Break Dental Floss.
"Are you Loz?" Kelk asked
"No!" Loz said, because Sephiroth told him to DENY EVERYTHING!
"But... Uhh... You are his registered lawyer...?"
"No!"
"...Is Sephiroth sane?"
"No!"
"...Are YOU sane?"
"No!"
"...Hmm... Slight problem."
"No!"
"I wasn't--"
"No!"
"Secur--"
"No!"
"...ity?"
"No!"
Then, security came and took Loz away.
"NO!"
"Okay... I'm pretty much fucked." Sephiroth said. "Guilty, your honour?"
"Yes. Guilty." Kelk said, banging his gavel. "Case, clo--"
And then... Who came running in but... Zell, Irvine, Quistis and Rinoa! YAY!
"STOP!" Quistis yelled. "These trails are illegal! That Ronso is not a real judge! He is just another Maester of Yevon they said COULD be judge for a while!"
"Yeah! And Laguna isn't even the REAL President of Esthar!" Zell shouted.
"Yes he is." The other three said.
"...Well, I STILL FIND IT HARD TO BELIEVE!" He cried.
"Ah, it's true!" Laguna admitted shamfully. "I WAS OVERTHROWN!" AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"AND HE KILLED HIS WIFE!" Kiros yelled, following the SeeDs in (well, they were following Rinoa too... But since she's not a SeeD, I guess she doesn't count...), along with Ward and Ellone.
"YEAH! YOU KILLED RAINE, YOU MOTHER--" Ellone began, but then the Final Fantasy version of SWAT an the Matix all jumped in and messed up the trial.
Anyway, all those on trial managed to escape. Even Sephiroth, who found that the Dental Floss really WAS easy to break... So, then, they all ran to the great plains of Esthar.
"Phew..." Aeris said, relieved.
"Wait a minute." Kefka said, since he hadn't said anything for a while. "Weren't we supposed to get that watch fixed?"
"Oh yeah." Kuja said. "We should go back!"
"Wait... You need a watch fixing?" Cloud asked. "Hey, that's a coincidence! I fix watches! I'll fix it right here, right now!"
"Are you sure?" Kuja asked, taking the watch out of his pocket. "Because, you know, I don't really trust good guys..."
"It's fine..." Cloud replied, receiving the watch, and then taking the back off to tweak it.
GAVE KEY ITEM: ULTIMECIA'S WATCH TO CLOUD
"Hey, Cloud, since when could you fix watches?" Sephiroth asked.
"Since I learnt, dumbass." Cloud replied. "Why? Are you ASKING for a fight?"
"Not really..." Seph said, scratching the back of his head. "We fight enough, don't you think?"
IT'S TRUE! Almost EVERY time Cloud encounters Sephiroth there's a fight... Or, a fight against Jenova, at least. Now, I'm pretty sure those boys wouldn't fight over something as petty as watch repairing skills... Tsk, tsk, tsk...
"Yeah, well, I'm not fighting another Jenova thingy or another SHM either!" Cloud said, and then he took something out of the watch. "Ah! Here's your problem! There was something stuck in one of the cogs. It works now... I think..."
Then, he put the back on, and handed it back to Kuja.
OBTAINED KEY ITEM: ULTIMECIA'S WATCH
"What was in the watch?" Seymour asked.
"I don't know..." Cloud replied, looking at it. "It's probably just a... TINY MUTANT SPACE MONSTER! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"
He threw it over the horizon, never to bother them again with it's creepy-ness... If it was creepy. Unless it was really cute and only Cloud thought it was creepy.
"Well, bye losers." Squall said, seeing as they were villains and the others were good guys. IT MADE SENSE!
Then, the big hoard of Kingdom Hearts good guys walked off. The villains looked around the plains, and then saw another random portal back to Ultimecia's castle.
"Well, that's it! We can go to Zanarkand now!" Seymour said in his ritzy voice as they walked towards the portal. "Then, it'll all be over, right? We can get out hair stuff, and that'll be the end of everything..."
But, little did they know... It might NOT have been THE END of EVERYTHING! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Anyway, they all made it back to Ultimecia's room safely.
"Hello, all." Ultimecia said, flating down again from her big chair. "Did you get my watch fixed?"
"We did!" Kuja said, and then handed the watch to her.
GAVE KEY ITEM: ULTIMECIA'S WATCH TO ULTIMECIA
"Good, good!" Ultimecia said. "Right, the past, boys?"
"Yes." Kuja confirmed.
"Okay, then. Where to?"
"Zanarkand." Seymour said. "One thousand years in the past."
"Alright. Time kompression..." Ultimecia said. "Zanarkand, one thousand years in the past."
Then, everything went white, and the time compression began... And this chapter... ENDED! JUST LIKE THAT! HAHAHAHAHA!
BASS IT!
No more questions for the FAQ? No? Don't you wanna be my friend? (Tearful eyes). I really do need them. Anyway, I'm really sorry this chapter was so lame. And I'm also sorry that Ultimecia didn't join them! Lé sigh... Well, she might join later. She might be one of those crazy characters that appears before they join. Just like Liete in Grandia! Except she appeared right at the beginning of disc 1, and after many CRAZY adventures, joined in the middle of disc 2. Everyone loves that crazy Priestess of Alent!
Sephiroth: I have a question! Why didn't I break out of the floss in the first place?
ArcBus: You weren't thinking! You were being illogical.
Sephiroth: 'Ill-odj-ik-ahl'?
ArcBus: Indeed.
Kefka: Why was I barely in this chapter?
Seymour: Same here!
ArcBus: Because Kuja and Sephiroth are more important than you two. But don't get me wrong... You'll come back more NEXT TIME!
Kefka/Seymour: OH JOY!
ArcBus: Readers, keep reading AND REVIEW if you've not already done so! Let's get some QUESTIONS, please! I'm still using the SHM KILLFEST threat! WOO!
Loz: No!
ArcBus: Loz... Go away.
Loz: No!
Sephiroth: STOP DENYING EVERYTHING!
Loz: ...No!
ArcBus: Okay, now let's REALLY BASS IT!