THE QUEST FOR THE EVIL HAIR PRODUCTS!
ALTERNATE DANCE SCENE/ENDING FOR FFVIII:
"Hey, you're the most attractive guy here." Rinoa said. "Dance with me."
Squall just took another sip of his drink and turned away again, but then he realised he had finished his drink, so he put the glass on the nearby table and tried to walk off, but Rinoa grabbed his wrist and pulled him to the dancefloor. But, strangely enough, Cloud then appeared.
"Hey Squall!" He said. "I'm looking for Aeris, have you seen her?"
"Cloud? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE? Your Final Fantasy's finished!" Squall yelled. "Besides, Aerith is dead!"
"IT'S AERIS, YOU IDIOT!" Aeris yelled from the other side of the hall, ABOUT to throw her staff when suddenly Cid VIII stopped her.
"Excuse me Miss, why are you here?" He asked.
"I'm Squall's third cousin twice removed's daughter's sister's second cousin." Replied Aeris. "Don't you think I wanted to see him on such a WONDERFUL occasion like this?"
"But, if Squall has relatives... Then... Why was he put up for adoption?" Cid VIII asked.
"Uh... No one... Really... Liked him that much!"
"CID!" Edea yelled, throwing multiple Firagas at him for no apparent reason.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Cid VIII yelled in pain.
"Hey, Cloud." Vincent said, jumping down from the shadows.
"Hey, Vincent." Cloud said. "How is everything? The fan girls backing off?"
"Yup. Everything's been great since I got Kinneas as my bodyguard."
"Why hello there, lil' Miss!" Irvine said, sliding over to Aeris. "You look like you're new 'round here. Why don't I give you the grand tour... ...OF MY BEDROOM?"
Aeris just shook her head and walked away quickly.
"W-Well this isn't helpin' my self-esteem issues at all!" Irvine said sadly.
Then there was a big uproar of 'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW...' from the crowd.
NOTE: That was the longest pre-fic story... Like... EVER. Okay, some mistakes made. Lessee... Well, Yuna, Rikku and Paine, in KH2, aren't young like Selphie and Tidus. They're... Well... Sprites. They fly. And Paine is the thrid One Winged Angel. If that doesn't make sense... PLAY THE GAME! They probably are younger than in the origonal. Maybe they're under a spell and Sora has to help reverse it? Oh well...
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Final Fantasy and it's related characters or Kingdom Hearts. Both are owned by Square. I do not own the song real Emotion. That is Koda Kumi's song. The cover is covered by Jade from Sweetbox. I also do not own Gameshark or the Matrix. All good? Right-o!
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CHAPTER SIX - TO ZAN-ARC-HAND
The white light faded, and suddenly, the four villains were in an alley in Zanarkand of a thousand years ago. It practically looked like Zanarkand when Tidus lived there. (cough)DREAM WORLD!(cough). It's a pretty snazz city, except Tidus doesn't live here. No, because it's the REAL Zanarkand! WOO!
So, instead of Tidus, Shuyin lives here.
"Okay. We need to find that Shoo dude..." Sephiroth said. "We'll split up again."
"How do we split up this time?" Kefka asked.
Seph thought long and hard... For a while... And then he came up with a BRILLIANT solution!
"Well, my name begins with an S, as does Seymour's, so I'll go with him. Your name begins with a K, as does Kuja's, so you can go with him!"
Wow, Sephiroth. How LOGICAL of you to have figured THAT ONE out! Actually, he was logical enough to know that Seymour knows what Shuyin looks like. And, if he went with him, he'd be able to find him. He just made it look like he inintially thought... GETTIT? INTITIALLY? AS IN... INITIALS? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HA!
So, anyway, they split up again, and went searching around Zanarkand. By the way, the portal back to Ultimecia's Castle was there, randomly placed in that alley.
"Let us go find Lady Yunalesca." Seymour said in his ritzy tone.
"...Who the hell's she?" Seph asked, seeing as he knew absolutly NOTHING about Spira OR Zanarkand.
"Lady Yunalesca was the first Summoner."
"And that helps us... How?"
"It doesn't really. But she might knew where Shuyin is."
"Okay. Where's 'Yoo-Nah-Less-Cah', then?"
"... ...Well... I... Uh... Don't actually know..."
"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW? Argh... Okay, okay, OKAY! Let's try to think of a way around this..."
Seeing as Kef and Kuja were actually just asking random people on the streets, they were having more luck.
"Excuse me, Miss?" Kefka asked. "Do you know someone called Shuyin?"
Now, THIS is a developing story plot!
"Yes. In fact, I do." Lenne replied.
"Woo-HOO!" Kuja excalimed. "Okay, like, SCORE!"
"Why? You're not gonna try and sell any trash to him, are you?" Lenne asked. "Because if you are, I'm gonna have to kick your asses!"
"Oh, no. We just wanna see him about some hair stuff." Kefka replied.
"YOU'RE GONNA TRY AND SELL HIM HAIR STUFF?"
"Uh... No... No! That's not it at all...!"
"YOU DARE TRY TO SELL HAIR STUFF TO MY SHUYEE-WUYEE! HE HAS LOVELY HAIR AS IT IS! I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL!"
"A duel...?" Kuja asked, raising an eyebrow.
"YES! A DUEL!" Lenne yelled overdramatically, and then she dragged them into an arcade and to a Dance Machine. "A DANCE CONTEST!"
Of course, this is unfair, because dancing and singing is Lenne's element. But, she didn't really seem to care.
"A dance contest?" Kefka excalimed, backing away. "Uh-huh...! I'm leaving this up to you, Kuja!"
"Really?" Kuja said, confident. "Super! I, like, TOTALLY accept!"
Lenne blinked. She didn't even stop to THINK that KUJA was good on Dance Machines! But no matter, since she was wearing her Songstress outfit and she was simply the BEST dancer in the WHOLE of Zanarkand EVER and there was NO WAY she could lose.
"Alright, then." She said. "I'll make a deal with you. If you beat me at this, I'll take you to Shuyin. But, if I win, you must leave Zanarkand and never bother me or my darling Shuyin EVER AGAIN!"
"Deal!" Kuja said, taking the dance stage on the right.
"DEAL!" Lenne said, taking the dance stage on the left.
Wow... Kuja Vs Lenne on a Dance Machine...! What are the odds of that ever actually happening? Anyway, they slotted some Gil into the machine, and Kefka just walked off to find the Mog's House game. He was getting good at it! They pressed START to begin.
"Your choice of song." Said Kuja, OVERFLOWING with CONFIDENCE!
Lenne smirked, and chose... Get this... real Emotion! ARGH! That bitch just ain't playing this game fair.
"Okay, all done." She said, pushing the START button again.
"3...2...1...GO!" The machine counted down.
And then, that crazy Songstress and the evil Crossdresser began to hit PERFECT on every move! Wow! Anyway, just say it was all around PERFECT, and people began to crowd around, because they were setting the HIGH SCORES! WOW! Anyway, Kefka was now playing on Mog's House. If you don't know what that is, visit the Gold Saucer's Wonder Square in FFVII. It's the big game that looks like a Moogle's head.
"C'mon Mog! FLY! FLY, YOU STUPID MOOGLE!" He yelled, releasing multiple Kupo nuts at that not-so-aerial Moogle.
"KUPO!" Mog said, but he couldn't fly, and it was GAME OVER.
"Ah, HELL NO!" Kefka screamed, but then he found he had... THE FIFTH HIGH SCORE! YAY! "Wow. Fifth Place. That's the highest I've ever got!"
So, he was happy with his personal best. Just so you know, the four above his were all labled CLO, since Cloud is the only other person that is sad enough to play Mog's House. Top Ten: CLO, CLO, CLO, CLO, KEF, CLO, CLO, AER, CLO, SQU. So, okay, maybe there was a Kingdom Hearts party in Zanarkand... Ha...
So, anyhoo, Kuja and Lenne were STILL hitting ALL PERFECTS! What do you expect? Kefka then came over to the Dance Machine to see how they were doing.
"Wow..." He said, amazed at all the PERFECTS.
It was too evenly matched! DEAR LORD! Now, let's end it with a cliffhanger, as we go to Sephiroth and Seymour, who, after going to the crazy Blitzball dome and drawing information from lots of random people, had found where Yunalesca lived. In a big crazy Zanarkand mansion! WOO! Anyway, they were just stood on her doorstep, and after ringing the doorbell many times, Yu Yevon came to the door.
"Hello, good sir." Seymour said. "Is Lady Yunalesca in?"
"NO!" Yu Yevon yelled, and slammed the door.
Seymour rung the doorbell again. Yu Yevon came to the door again.
"Pardon me, sir." Seymour said. "But do you know where someone named Shuyin is?"
"NO!" Yu Yevon yelled, and slammed the door again.
"...Well, that was a complete waste of time." Sephiroth said, and he turned and walked away from the mansion.
Seymour was about to follow, when Yunalesca came through the gates.
"Oh. Salesmen." Yunalesca said, and then tried to get to the door. "How many times have I told you - I'm NOT going to buy your crap!"
"Lady Yunalesca?" Seymour asked. "I was just wondering if you know where someone is?"
"...NO!" Yunalesca said, and then went inside.
Sephiroth looked at Seymour.
"Like I said, that was a complete waste of time." He said, then exited through the gates.
Seymour sighed, and followed him out.
"I hope Kefka and Kuja are having better luck than us..." He said.
And that's our cue to go back to Kuja and Lenne's battle. They were still hitting PERFECTS, until Kuja tried to put Lenne off by pulling off very cool, unrequired dance moves. Some of the people watching went 'OOoooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh', and applauded.
Lenne LIMIT BREAK
"Oh shit..." Kuja said as those HORRIBLE words flashed up. It wasn't even... Correct! It should have been OVERDRIVE, but... Nah, what the hell.
"NOBODY UPSTAGES LENNE!" She boomed in a malicious voice alot deeper than her own, and then everything went red and she hit ALL the Bonuses! OMG! Her score increased like mad!
Then, the song came to an end, and as you've guessed, so did Lenne's LIMIT BREAK. Final Scores: LEN - 21377487213648436586186826 KUJ - 15000. Lenne had also set the High Score! Kuja had set the second highest.
"See. I won." Lenne said, jumping off the Dance Machine. "So now, you have to leave Zanarkand, and never return for my Shuyee-Wuyee!"
All the people watching (except Kefka) crowded around, since Lenne is a very popular Songstress.
"My, my, Lady Lenne!" Maechen said, also part of the crowd. "T'was a difficult battle, but you pulled through with beauty and grace, as always."
"Thank you, Maechen." She said, a big smile pasted on her face.
Kefka almost had to excuse himself to puke because of all the sickly praise she was getting. But, he just went up to Kuja, who was jumping off the machine sadly. And then there was one of those Final Fantasy and RPG in general angsty moments.
"I lost..." He said, hanging his head in shame. "I've let everyone down. I let you down, I let Sephiroth down, and Seymour, too. Now we'll never be able to find Shuyin!"
Then, Nobuo Uematsu appeared randomly, with a violin, playing a very sad solo on it. Kefka then looked over at Lenne, and saw something up one of her blue sleeves. It was shiny, and glistening. It was an arc shape, kind of, peering out from her sleeve as if it were a... CIRCULAR SHAPE.
"Wait a minute." He said, as Nobuo's violin faded out. "Is that... What I think it is?"
Kef walked through the crowd, pushing to the front.
"Hey... Lenne, is it?" He asked.
"Yeah?" Lenne replied.
He grabbed her wrist.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" She yelled.
The crowd all gasped, and wondered what he was doing.
"I'm not gonna hurt you... BUT..." Kefka said, and then he pulled from her sleeve... A DISC! "Behold the wonder of the magical disc of GAMESHARK CODES!"
The crowd then all gasped again, and Lenne looked around innocently.
"Uh... How did that get there?" She laughed uneasily.
Kefka just stared at her, and let go of her wrist.
"Eheheheh... Hehehe... Heh... Heh... Hehehe... OKAY! OKAY! I CHEATED!" Lenne admitted. "I was never a good dancer. I failed miserably in dance school! So, I bought a Gameshark, and it made me a better dancer! That was what I wanted!"
"But, you know, cheating isn't right." Kefka said. "Unless it's to unlock secret stuff."
"...I know..." Lenne said shamefully.
"Does that mean... I win?" Kuja asked, walking over.
"Yeah..." She said. "And I'll take you to Shuyin, too."
"ALRIGHT!" Kuja excalimed, and then Nobuo came over with his trumpet and played the Final Fantasy Victory theme.
WOO-HOO! The Moral of this story is: Don't use Gameshark unless you know how to hide it well from evil krazy klowns! So, anyway, let's divert our attention to Sephiroth and Seymour, who were sat defeated in a bar, drinking their troubles away.
"We'll NEVER be able to find him now!" Seymour cried, after taking another swig of his Matrix Lager. NOT BEER - Lager! "NEVER!"
"Seymour. Shut up. That's all you've said for the past hour." Sephiroth said coldly, before taking a swig of the Matrix Lager. He was previously drinking ArcBus milk. Then, he shuddered. "Uhhh... What the hell is this?"
"It's Matrix Lager." The Bartender said, cleaning a glass. "We're out of milk now."
Seymour took another drink of the Lager.
"WHAT?" Seph excalimed. "You actually LIKE this stuff?"
"Yes." Seymour replied. "It has a lovely bitter taste, yet it has slightly delicate qualities."
Sephiroth just stared at him, because he's illogical and had NO IDEA what the hell he was talking about.
"Uh, whatever..." He said dully. It's not easy when you live off milk to drink lager!
Then, after about ten seconds, a lightbulb appeared over Seymour's head.
"WAIT A MINUTE! I HAVE AN IDEA!" He yelled.
"For what?" Seph asked, because he really wasn't thinking.
"We can go to the Matrix company, and ask if they'll put an advert about Shuyin on their bottles!" Seymour said proudly, very pleased with his idea.
"Oh my God... That's so stupid it might actually work!" Sephiroth said. "Okay! TO THE MATRIX COMPANY!"
Anyway, their plan was pretty stupid, seeing as how Kuja and Kefka had just been taken by Lenne to her house where Shuyin was. It was Tidus's house on the water. They both lived there, so technically it was Shuyin's house, too.
"SHUUUU-YIIIIIN!" Lenne called for him in the snazzy front room. "There's a weird clown guy and a dancing crossdresser here to see you!"
Shuyin emerged from the kitchen. He looked like Tidus, but was wearing his SHUYIN clothes, and also a frilly pink apron and yellow rubber gloves. WOO!
"Wow? Really?" He asked, in slight disbelief. Who WOULDN'T be?
SHUYIN
Aka. Shuyee-Wuyee, Tidus, 'Shadow'
Age: Lessee... Tidus's age... In X-2... 19!
Occupation: Is he a Blitzball player? I dunno... Evil Vegnagun activating dude.
Height: Tidus's height.
Weapon: Sword (and Vegnagun, if you can count that)
I guess you could say, in a way, Shuyin is Tidus's evil twin. There is a connection, but it's not explained in X-2. Play both FFX games, and you'll be able to piece it together.
Shuyin lived in Zanarkand 1000 years ago. Tidus lived in the Zanarkand created as a dream world be the people from Shuyin's Zanarkand who became Fayth on Mt. Gagazet. Hence, the Fayth there made people who were somewhat like the people in the real Zanarkand. Tidus was created from Shuyin. At least, that's what I think. And so, that is the connection.
Anyway, Lenne once became a Summoner, and in the machina war between Bevelle and Zanarkand, she was sent to the front lines to fight. Shuyin wanted to save her life, so he did the very stupid thing of going to Bevelle and searching the labyrinth, until he found... VEGNAGUN! GASP! He tried to activate it, but then Lenne came and stopped him, and then they ran through the many corridors of Bevelle until they went... All the way... back... To Vegnagun... WTF? Ayway, the warrior monks came and shot them. Lenne was killed but then Shuyin was taken captive and died later.
Kimahri was walking around Gagazet, when he came across a sphere of Shuyin. To his surprise, he looked like Tidus, and what he said on the sphere sounded like him, too. So, he gave the sphere to Rikku, who went to Besaid and showed it to Yuna. Yuna wanted to find more, so she went with Rikku and Paine and the rest of the Gullwings on their crazy sphere mission, yada, yada, yada, you know the story. Anyway, Shinra, with no connection to the Shinra of FFVII, made the sphere into a dressphere. A dressphere of Lenne's Songstress outfit. And so began the crazy mission to save the world from the shadow of Shuyin that possessed Baralai and wanted to activate Vegnagun.
When the Gullwings trashed Vegnagun, Shuyin jumped out and detached himself from Baralai. Yuna spherechanged, and tried to trick him into thinking she was Lenne so he could go in peace. But... BUT...! He saw through it, and so began the... FINAL BATTLE! Which was pretty pathetic. Need I remind you that Shuyin's special moves are Tidus's Overdrives, just with different names? Spiral Cut became... Spiral... Uh... Slash, I think. Slice and Dice became Hit and Run. I forgot what Energy Rain became... Uh... Huh... And Blitz Ace became Terror of Zanarkand. I know that Shuyin was alive and using his moves before Tidus, but... Tidus was in the earlier game... ARGH! Well, whatever. I just practically reflected on X-2, so I'll just get back to the story now...
"You're Shuyin?" Kuja asked. "Wow... You look just like Tidus McCrisis!"
"...Who's he?" Shuyin asked.
"Oh, uh... No one. Never mind." Kuja said.
"Well, I'll be in the bedroom, painting my nails!" Lenne said cheerfully. "Now, Shuyin, I want those dishes SPARKLING when I come out!"
"Yes, dear..." Shuyin said dully.
Lenne skipped off into the bedroom, and Shuyin sighed.
"Sorry, do you mind if I finish the dishes?" He asked. "I kind of... Have to..."
"Go ahead." Kuja replied.
They all just went into the kitchen, since that would be easier.
"So, who are you guys?" Shuyin asked.
"We're villains from other Final Fantasies." Kefka said. "I'm Kefka, from VI."
"I'm Kuja, from IX." Kuja said (well... Who ELSE there would say that?).
"Ah... As you probably know, I'm Shuyin from X-2." Shuyin said. "And, umm... Why are you here?"
"We're looking for someone who stole the Evil hair products." Explained Kuja. "A man named Seymour said you were a suspect."
The plate Shuyin was holding dropped from his hand and smashed.
"Evil... Hair products?" He gasped. "P-Please... Don't remind me! My hair is lifeless and flat without my Evil wax! It's... Becoming... UNEVIL!"
"Oh, so, you were affected too?" Kefka asked. But that was fairly obvious.
"Yeah! I mean, well, I tried to buy some from someone who came to the door, but Lenne sent them away!"
"WHAT?" Kuja excalimed. "Someone was selling Evil hair products door-to-door?"
"That's right." Shuyin replied.
"What did they look like?"
"I... Can't say, really. They were wearing a black cape and a hood. A disguise, of course."
Kefka and Kuja exchanged glances. You know where this is going, don't you? So, let's go to Sephiroth and Seymour, who had gone through the Matrix Company, and to the Manager's office.
"Hello. I am the Architect." He said. "I created the Matrix."
"Listen, dude." Seph said quickly. "We just walked up sixty-six flights of stairs. If you do NOT give us what we want, we will kill you."
"Anomily." The Architect said. "Ergo."
"...Argh... Forget it. This was ANOTHER complete waste of time." Sephiroth said, and then left the room. Just as he did, lots of TVs lit up, with his face on all of them.
"Wow. Cool." Seymour said, before he was pulled out of the room by Seph.
Anyway, after going down the sixty-six flights of stairs, they had pretty much given up.
"Our part in this chapter was pointless." Sephiroth said. "Let's just find Kefka and Kuja and go back to the Llama Lady's castle."
"GUYS!" Kefka's voice yelled over footsteps.
Their attention turned to the three of them running in the distance. When they were as a five, Kuja spoke up.
"Look! Look! We found Shuyin!"
"Hey, guys!" Shuyin said, waving. "I heard you're looking for the Evil hair stuff. Well, guess what? Since the story says so, I'm coming too!"
"Are you that... Tidus guy?" Sephiroth asked.
"Uh... No." Shuyin replied. "Who IS he, anyway?"
"No one." The other four said, and then walked off. "It doesn't matter."
He followed them, and soon they were back at the alley with the portal back to Ultimecia's castle. And so, they went in, and were... ...BACK AT ULTIMECIA'S CASTLE! YAY!
"Oh, hello." Ultimecia said, hovering down from her big chair again. "Did you boys have fun?"
No one answered.
"WHOA!" Shuyin yelled in amazement. "This place is cool!"
"...Wait a minute... Who are you?" Ultimecia asked.
"I'm Shuyin, from Zanarkand." Shuyin replied.
"...Are you sure you're not kalled... Tidus...?" Ultimecia asked.
"No!" Excalimed Shuyin, sounding very MUCH like Tidus. "WHAT'S WITH THAT?"
"Nothing." She said. "You'd better be on your way now. I have some random kharacters to torture."
Then, suddenly, Wakka and Cid VI dropped down, hung by random ropes attached to the ceiling.
"OH MY GOD!" Kefka yelled. "SHE KILLED CID VI! WOW! You're the BEST, Ultimecia!"
"Of kourse!" Ultimecia giggled.
So, they said goodbye to that crazy Sourceress, and went out and through the castle (without shortcuts), avoiding random battles. Then, they went down the giant chain, back to Edea's House, got on to the Airship and set off! YAY! So, let's go to the Bridge...
"So ends that adventure." Seymour said. "Where to now?"
"That's all of the Final Fantasy villains we know about." Sephiroth replied. "So, we're just going to have to look somewhere else."
"Do you think it could have been a villain from a different RPG?" Kefka asked. "A RIVAL RPG, in particular?"
"It could be." Agreed Seymour, seeing as THAT would have been LOGICAL. I hope Seph's taking note.
Just then, the Airship phone rang... Again... How many people want to call an Airship?
"Hang on." Sephiroth said, and he walked over to pick up the reciever. "Hello?"
"I know you're alone..." The sinister voice said.
"I'm really not." Sephiroth said. The sinister voice was pretty pathetic now.
"Oh..." The sinister voice said, not sounding sinister now. "Okay... ... ... EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE--"
Seph just hung up immidiatly, and returned to the conversation.
"Wrong number." He told the others.
"Okay..." Kefka said, reading a book called 'How To Become A Good Navigator To Help With The Storyline'. "It says here that if I press this green button..."
He pressed a green button.
"We can go to our next story destination!"
And so, they headed for the next story destination. What it is... I cannot say! You'll have to wait for the next chapter! BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAA!
BASS IT!
Okay, okay, I hardly gave you any time to ask questions. But, do ask. The poor, poor FAQ is SO LONELY!
Nobuo: (Plays the sad violin solo)
ArcBus: Any questions, guys?
Irvine: Why do I have self-esteem issues?
ArcBus: Irvine, that's a question you have to answer yourself.
Irvine: (Looks clueless) ... ...
ArcBus: It was in a Flash movie that I do not own, called FFVIII: Tour of Balamb. Okay, anyway, how's about we wrap up this chapter.
Irvine: That'll take alot of cling film...
ArcBus: J-J-J-JUST GET BENT, OKAY? Ja ne. Bass it. The end. WHATEVER!