THE QUEST FOR THE EVIL HAIR PRODUCTS!
"Learn Spanish in a week..." Cloud said, looking at the packaging of his new language disc. He put it in the drive and the CD-ROM ran! Run, ROM, run! Or, as the Comic Book guy from The Simpsons would say... C: DOS. C: DOS RUN. RUN, DOS, RUN! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (A joke only computer geeks really understand.)
"Señorita." The Spanish voice said, with a picture of a woman on the screen. "Repeat after me: Señorita..."
"Sen...ur... eet... a..." Said Cloud, very slowly.
"Buenos dias, Señorita. Repeat after me: Buenos dias Señorita."
"Wha... I don't get this!" Cloud yelled, before screaming with his crazy FFVII hallucinations of himself and him as a child popping up everywhere. "R-R-R-R-R-R-R-REUNION! J-J-J-J-J-J-JENOVA! S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-SEPHIROTH! C-C-C-C-CALAMITY! M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-METEOR! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! BLACK MATERIA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
NOTE: They have entered the dimension formally known as the ANIME dimension! With it's crazy characters and even CRAZIER plotlines! AAAAHHHHH!
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Final Fantasy or Kingdom Hearts or their related characters. They're owned by Square. I do not own Grandia or it's related characters. That is Ubi-Soft/Game Art's. I do not own Fruits Basket. That is owned by... FuNimation, at least, I think so. I do not own Gay... Uh... Beyblade. I think that is owned by TV Tokyo, or something like that. Whatever.
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CHAPTER NINE - DARK, MYSTERIOUS AND GENDERLESS!
I'll bet you're wondering where the Villains were now! Well, actually, if you've read the disclaimer and note, you'll know that they're in...
Drum roll... Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-DUN-DUN-dun-dun-DUN-DUN-DUN-dun-DUN-DUN-DUN-DDDDDDDDUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN...!
THE ANIME DIMENSION!
OH, HAPPY DAYS!
...Not...
People stared at them like they were weirdos as they walked through a nice little suburb of Tokyo. Well, their team DID consist of a scary-looking tall guy with a big sword dressed in black leather, a krazy klown with a disturbing dress sense, a crossdresser that didn't look like a crossdresser and actually just looked like a girl with purpley-silver hair, a pyschopath with huge viens and long hands and gravity-defying hair wearing a very strange kimono type thing, a dude who kinda looked normalish but had a club-style sword and a checkered shirt, a blonde guy in a cape with weird trousers and lots of military badges, and now also a woman in some kind of very tight-looking white dress with a strange ring around her head.
So, it was still time to find the Evil hair products! And they were starting with this suburban area. Kefka sat down and began to write a letter to the person who stole the stuff.
"Dear... Loser...!" He typed out loud on the back of a McDonald's colouring sheet. "I am disgusted with you! We have been searching for ages and we still can't find our Evil hair products! Tell us where you are or else!"
"Kefka." Sephiroth said blankly. "That's not going to help."
"Oh..." Said Kefka sadly, taking the paper out and screwing it up and throwing it over his shoulder. "Yeah, but we've been searching for AGES and we STILL can't find ANYTHING!"
"Yeah!" Kuja agreed. "I'm stating to believe we can never find it!"
"We're giving up?" Selene asked. But it was easy for her to ask that! She'd only just JOINED the group! It was harder for Sephiroth, Kefka and Kuja, because they had been here since the beginning of the crazy long quest to find all their hair care stuff!
"No!" Seymour raised his ritzy voice. "We cannot! We MUST not! Think about it, everyone! If I didn't have so many forms, Lady Yuna and her Guardians would have saved Spira after my defeat at Macalania temple!"
"Ugh... What are you yapping on about NOW?" Kefka sighed, standing up.
"I'm saying we should not give in! I'm sure we're very close to finding the--"
"How can you prove ANYTHING like that?" Shuyin interrupted, waving his arms about. "You just can't!"
"Are you all saying we're just going to let the theif win?" Asked Selene.
"Selene's right." Mullen agreed, since he and Selene were both Grandia characters and had the same sort of strange... Grandia mind... Thing. "We really can't let them walk over us..."
"Well, I for one am giving up..." Kefka said, and then walked off. "Goodbye."
Kuja paused, and then looked at the others in the group.
"I'm going too. Sorry."
Then, he walked off, too!
"See ya." Shuyin said shortly after, ALSO walking off!
The others just... Watched them! ACK!
"Fine! Have it your way!" Seymour yelled at them, his veins popping. "Idiots."
And then...
"Come to think of it..." Mullen said. "They're sort of right."
And then, he walked off as well! OMGZORZ! WTF?
So now, the three characters with 'Se' at the beginning of their names were left.
"What do we do now?" Selene asked, turning to Sephiroth.
"Hmm... Let's leave them for a while." He replied. "I'll bet they'll come back once they realise they need their stuff. We'll keep looking, for now."
And so, the three 'Se' Villains continued on their Quest For The Evil Hair Products, WITHOUT Kefka, Kuja, Shuyin and Mullen! They didn't need them! And besides, it was more interesting splitting it into two different story plots! YAY!
They began walking around again, and finally came across a big housing plot encased within traditional Japanese walls.
"I wonder what this is...?" Seymour asked, very curious about the area.
"It seems to be some kind of estate." Selene said, before pointing to an intercom, like the ones at Kefka's and Kuja's mansions.
Seymour went waltzing up to the intercom like the crazy half-Guado Maester he is, and he pressed the button.
It rang...
...But no one replied.
They waited about thirty seconds, and suddenly...!
"HHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYY!" A voice screamed from the roofing over the walls.
The Villains looked up and jumped in shock. A blonde boy was sat on the roofing. It was... MOMIJI SOHMA! YAY! EVERYBODY LOVES MOMIJI!
"Who are you guys?" Momiji asked in a very exited tone. "I've never seen you around here!"
"We're bad guys." Seymour said, trying to scare him off, because Seymour likes to scare innocent little children. You can kind of tell, ya know!
Except, Momiji isn't so easy to freak out.
"BAD GUYS?" He said. "OH! You must be looking for Akito! Well then, come in!"
He slipped back into the estate and opened the huge gates.
"C'min! C'min!" Momiji said.
The Villains exchanged glances, and then went inside. The gates shut behind them like there was NO TURNING BACK! AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
"Welcome to the house of Sohma!" Momiji said very... Perkily.
"Um, little girl? Who's Akito?" Selene asked, going up to him and bending down to his level.
"I'm not a girl!" Momiji beamed, his hands on his hips. "The name's Momiji, and I'm a dude, ya know?"
Selene paused. Seymour and Sephiroth sweatdropped in the background.
"We know...!" They all murmered to themselves.
"Anyway, Akito's the head of our family!" Momiji explained, zooming around like a child immitating an aeroplane. "If you're bad guys, you've surely come to see him!"
"So... Momiji, is it? Is Akito some kind of good guy, and this is all a trap to catch us?" Selene continued to question him.
"No, not at all! Akito is the most malicious and cunning evil man I know of! Not even the bad guys you see on TV are as nasty as him! Compared to him, you don't even seem bad!"
The three paused as Momiji ran about, yelling about how awful Akito was. Then, he came RIGHT back, just like that, to tell them more.
"Hey, so, Miss, what's your name?" He asked.
"Selene." She said bluntly.
"Selene? That's not an evil NAME, either! I find it so hard to believe!"
Momiji was talking pretty fast, and Selene was finding it hard to keep up with him. DOY! Have you ever SEEN Fruits Basket? IT'S SO CRAZY! MOMIJI IS SO CRAZY! AAAAAAHHHHHHH!
"Um..." Selene said, blinking. "Well..."
"DoyouknowwhereAkitoisthen? Yougojustthroughthehousesthere,andthendownthepathway,andthenit'llleadbackhereunlessyoutakearightatthefifthdoorwayontheleft! NowonceyoutakethefifthdoorwaygostraightthroughuntilyoufindsomeShojoscreening! YeahIknowyou'llprobablythinkyeahthereslotsofShojoscreeninginthisplacebut--"
"Umm..." She said again, and then she blinked again and Momiji had disappeared!
She turned around and... AHH!
"Hey!" Momiji said, reappearing besides Sephiroth. "Hey, Mister!"
"Yeah, what?" Seph said, looking down at him.
"Is Selene your girlfriend, Mister?"
Sephiroth looked at him like he was a complete and utter idiot. HE'S JUST A KID! ARGH!
"No." He said blankly. "Why the hell would you think that?"
Momiji quickly hopped over to Seymour.
"Is she YOUR girlfriend?"
"No..." Seymour said slowly in his ritsy voice. He was trying to put across the point that he was... Gay. And he thought once again of Loz, the only REAL gay fuck out of ALL the Final Fantasies EVER. Think about it. 'Wanna play?', 'Fine, then. Play with me', 'YOU MEANIE!', 'Together... We'll... Play...' and all the disturbing grunts and facial expressions. Poor, poor Loz. You had so much potential as a Sephiroth clone, and Square made you into a weird-ass gay fuck. D'oh!
"Oh, that's so PERFECT!" Momiji said. "Now I won't get beaten up by either of you!"
"Wha...?" They said simultaniously. As if they would beat up a little kid! Well, maybe Seymour would, but that's only because he can't beat up people his own size! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha HA! But not Seph. No, he wouldn't hurt a child... Not directly, anyway. He'd get the SHM to take a group of kids to the Forgotten City and... Ack, you know the rest!
"THAT MEANS I CAN HUG YOU!" Momiji yelled, and then ran to hug Selene. But just as soon as he got there... He was stopped by someone.
"No, you can't, Momiji." It was... YUKI! YAY! Remember Yuki from chapter 7, who won the SMALLEST douche in the universe award? Well, it was him! "You know what'll happen."
"Oh, I know, but it doesn't matter, because they know about the curse, right?"
Yuki looked over at Selene, who just shook her head. WHAT CURSE? AH! NO ONE WAS INFORMED OF A CURSE! GAH!
"They're here to see Akito!" Momiji explained.
"A-Akito...?" Yuki said with wide eyes, and then broke down, just like Cloud did many times in FFVII, and at the very start of this chapter, with himself as a child standing at his side.
"Am I intruding...?" Tohru asked, walking in like the annoying clumsy girl she is. "Oh no! Yuki's in trouble!"
"TOHRU!" Momiji yelled, and then ran to hug Tohru and then there was a POOF OF SMOKE!
And when the smoke cleared, Momiji had TURNED INTO A RABBIT! OMGZORZ! CRAZY!
The Villains blinked, and then slowly walked off to find Akito, leaving Tohru with the rabbit Momiji and the broken Yuki. Hahahahahahahahahaha!
"Anyway..." Seymour said, taking the exact route Momiji had said, since he understoof his fast talking. He was in a game with Tidus and Rikku, the fastest Final Fantasy characters I know of, for God's sake! "This is where Akito should be!"
Sephiroth slid the sliding door open, and there, in the room, was a dude stood at the window.
"You are...?" Akito asked, since it was Akito, to save time.
They didn't answer. They just continued to stand at the door like the crazy Villainous people they are.
"I can tell you're not good people..." Akito continued. "That's good. Yet, you must have buisness here. Speak."
Umm... Where was Hatori? Or Kureno? GASP! Why aren't they with Akito?
"The kid that turned into a rabbit told us you would be here." Seph said, since he needed to say something.
"Ah, that makes alot of sense, then." Akito said, since Akito is a crazy creepy person who knows everything! "I know well what you're here for..."
AKITO
Aka. Akito Sohma, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKKKKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOO, and the like.
Age: Early 20's.
Occuptation: Head of the Sohma household, crazy creepy person, very very VERY evil 'dude'.
Height: He can't be THAT tall... Ummm...
Weapon: Mind games, vases, and anything else he can get his crazy creepy hands on.
Well, Akito... He/She is the Head of the Sohma (or Souma, if you prefer) household. He is a dude in the Anime of Fruits Basket, but a woman in the Manga! I think so, anyway. He's, as the title implies, dark, mysterious and genderless. Well, since I haven't read any of the Mangas, we'll presume Akito's a guy, okay?
Anyway, you probably won't believe this, but he's gotta be more evil than Sephiroth, Kefka, Kuja, Seymour, Shuyin, Ultimecia, Mullen and Selene put together. Times 50. I'm not kidding. Have you ever seen Fruits Basket? If so, you'll know how EVIL Akito is!
First of all, he kept beating Yuki up, so Yuki went to go live with Shigure. Second of all, he kept beating Kyo up for having the cat's true form. Third of all, when Hatori wanted to marry Kana, he smashed a vase and hurt Hatori's eye, and then BLAMED KANA FOR HURTING HIS EYE! Fourth of all, after Hiro told Akito that he loved Kisa, he went and pushed her into a wall! Fifth of all, he was AWFUL to Tohru! He said she was the ugliest girl he had ever seen (behind her back), then made her suffer with Kyo's true form, and then pulled her hair, and the list goes ON AND ON AND ON!
Did I mention he was going to die in the story? Not in this story, but in Fruits Basket? I've decided to put him in this story, because he's a Villain, and his personality is GREAT STORY STUFF!
"The Evil Hair products..." Akito said slowly, turning around with his kimono going all whooshy. "I sense them in a galaxy not so far from here..."
"You know where they are?" Seymour asked ritsily. Ritsily...? Is that even a word? Oh well, I guess it'll have to be for now.
"Yes. I also know you went there, but were too blind to search that world. Hehehehe..."
Seymour thought logically about it. Sephiroth thought... ILLOGICALLY about it! Hahahahaha! Selene also thought logically, but she had only been in the group since the last chapter, so she didn't really know.
"Do you mean... Ultimecia Land?" Asked Seymour.
"It was Ultimecia all along?" Sephiroth excalimed. He really DIDN'T expect that one!
"No. I don't think it was Ultimecia..." Seymour reasoned, and then he looked at Akito. "Um... Akito? ARE you Akito?"
Akito nodded.
"Can you show us the world in which the Evil hair products are?"
"You would... Trust... Me?" Akito asked with dark smirk. It's not like people actually DID trust him very often.
"We are all Villains here."
"Hmph... Alright. If I can get past Hatori, I should be able to get out of here, at long last. And then I can find my EVIL SHAMPOO! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" He laughed manically, getting pretty out of character. But, oh well, he's gotta have a manic laugh! I know he never really laughed manically in Fruits Basket, but you can tell he has one anyway.
"Why do we come across a Villain who has had their hair stuff stolen in every chapter?" A 'fan' of this story asked.
"Because it's EASY that way!" ArcBus yelled. "AND YOU SHOULD'VE WAITED UNTIL THE FAQ!"
Okay, anyway, back on with the story.
To save time, Hatori walked into Selene.
"Akit--"
And then he was just a little Seahorse on a pile of clothes the floor. Akito went to scoop him up and dropped him into a bowl of water that was just randomly placed there for plot-supporting purposes.
"Well, that was easy." Akito said. "How do we plan on getting to this 'Ultimecia Land', then?"
Seph was ABOUT to answer, and then he realised... IT WAS KUJA'S AIRSHIP! GASP!
"Uh..."
Seymour suddenly realised too.
"I'll bet the others are still in town..." He said. "We need to find them, and then we can leave."
Sephiroth nodded.
"That's the plan." He agreed, even though he is too illogical to know what the plan was and was just going along with whatever Seymour said.
So, the four Villains discussed finding the other four Villains and then went on The Quest For The Evil Cowards! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...
...HA!
BASS IT!
FAQ... Well, I'm sorry about the lameness of this chapter, if you're asking 'Why was this chapter so lame?'.
Oh well, I didn't get any actual questions, but... OH WELL!
Hope some will come though...
Anyway, bye for now!