THE QUEST FOR THE EVIL HAIR PRODUCTS!

One day, Cloud decided to visit a pyschiatric therapist. In other words, a shrink.

"OH DOCTOR!" He yelled. "I'M CRAZY!"

"Well, DUH!" Yelled the whole entire world.

"Okay... Tell me your problem..." The shrink said.

"I want to--"

BBBBBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP (censored for the beauty of mankind. Protect the Planet - CENSOR SICK AND TWISTED EXPLANATIONS!)

Disclaimer. Let's go.

(Kit Thespian - I did my best with Ganon!)

-----------------------------------

CHAPTER ELEVEN - THE BAD, THE EVIL, AND THE VILLAINOUS

"Hey, look! We're back in Ultimecia Land!" Kuja said, punching his fist into the air. "WHOO-HOO!"

The ship began to descend. He looked over his shoulder from the Pilot's seat.

"Have you finished taking care of the miscellaneous villains?"

"Almost!" Shuyin said, stuffing Akito's body into the big bag that already had Mullen, Selene and Kai in, too. They were all unconsious! LÉ GASPÉ! Kai never woke up, by the way.

"Kefka. Open the hatch." Sephiroth said.

"Whadda I look like?" Kefka yelled. "A HATCH OPENER?"

"No. A circus clown." Seph said, since he was being witty and illogical. "Now, open the hatch."

"What if I don't...?"

"I'll open it myself..."

"Oh..."

"AND THROW YOU OUT OF IT!"

"EEEK! Okay! Okay! I'll open the damned hatch!"

So, Kefka found a computer, logged on, went on EyezMaze and clicked on Hatch! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! No, no, just kidding. Instead, he opened the hatch on the side of the Airship. Shuyin and Seymour pulled the bag with the miscellaneous villains in to the hatch door, and then PUSHED THEM OUT!

That's RIGHT! The FF villains had turned on the misc. villains! HAHAHA!

The bag dropped into a cloud in the sky, never to be seen again...

Kefka then closed the hatch.

"Okay, so now it's just us FF bad guys..." He said. "How far is it to Ultimecia's castle?"

"Not far." Kuja said. "In fact, to save time, let's just appear there right now! RANDOMLY!"

So, they did JUST THAT! They appeared there! RANDOMLY!

And to save MORE time, they appeared RANDOMLY at Ultimecia's room, after taking five second short cuts that in reality take five hours. CRAY-ZAY!

"Welkome back." Ultimecia said, still sat in her big chair. "How have you boys been? Did you find what you were looking for?"

"The Evil Hair stuff?" Kuja replied. "No, not really. We heard they were in this world, though, along with a gathering of villains, or so we think."

"A gathering of villains?" Ultimecia repeated. "Hmm... Aktually, there is something going on in the abandoned Esthar. I rented it out to a guy kalled Ganon. He said he was helping organise something and needed somewhere to host it. Perhaps that is what you mean?"

She floated down to them.

"Kome. I will show you."

She pointed to a random portal on one of the walls.

"Walk through that portal there. It will teleport us to the abandoned Esthar."

So, they all walked through, and ended up in Esthar... The creepy, broken, scary, distorted ABANDONED Esthar! Kinda like the abandoned Laine, but BIGGER! And also, kinda like the Spirit Sanctuary... Hmmmmm... It was night time, which seemed logical since Ultimecia land is always in darkness. There is no sunrise or sunset. It is eternal darkness. Ultimecia likes lie-ins!

"This is ESTHAR?" Kefka exclaimed. The LAST time he saw Esthar, it was all pretty and... Like it was originally!

"I often kall this place 'Warp Space'." Ultimecia said, seeing as it was like the abandoned Laine and the abandoned Laine was called Warp Space.

"Why? Does it warp?" Asked Seymour.

"Yes." Ultimecia replied promptly. "But that's not important right now. What we need to do is find the lokation of Ganon and the Evil Hair Produkts."

"No need." Said... GANON! APPEARING BEHIND THEM! GASP! Man, he's scary! "I'm right here."

"Oh. Yes. It's you Ganon." Ultimecia said. "We are kurious to know what's going on here."

"What's going on, huh? Well..."

Ganon started pacing across the pathway.

"As you know, I have rented Esthar to host a gathering." He said.

"...Don't you mean to hide in?" Kuja enquired.

"Well... That's your description of the situation." Ganon replied.

"Okay, dude, listen." Sephiroth said, folding his arms. "I have better things to do than be on this stupid quest, so just tell us where your hiding the EHPs, so I can GO HOME ALREADY!"

"Oh, so THAT'S what you after, huh? The EHPs?" Asked Ganon.

"Yeah."

"Okay, well, I'm going to be very annoying and not tell you where they are!"

"Tell us."

"No."

"Tell us."

"No."

"Tell us!" Seph yelled, now getting impatient.

"Not a chance, n00b."

The screen suddenly smashed dramatically. Everything went silent.

"Did you... Just..."

Sephiroth began to twitch. The other villains backed away slowly from him.

"...Call me..."

Ganon began to look quite scared.

"...A...n00b...?"

His hands clenched into fists.

"That's it...!" Sephiroth shouted, looking unbelievably pissed off, with fire BLAZING in his eyes! "You have tried... The remaining patIENCE THAT I HAVE LEFT!"

Sephiroth LIMIT BREAK

"Mommy...?" Ganon whined, as the horrible, horrible words flashed up on screen...

...Supernova...

Supernova came crashing down, blew up Pluto, destroyed Neptune, smacked Uranus (hahahahahaha!), crashed into Saturn, caused a large hole in Jupiter (which a few seconds later imploded) and then went off course into the FF Galaxy, and came to Ultimecia Land. It then hit Ganon and left a big crater in Esthar...

...Ka-Boom...

When the dust had cleared, Ganon jumped right out of the crater... Because I really doubt he would die that easily.

"Okay, okay, okay! I'll tell you where the EHPs are." He said. "They're at Esthar Airstation."

So, they followed Ultimecia off to Esthar Airstation. Ganon got out a random phone from somewhere, and rang... Someone.

"...The Airstation. Get the Agents to the Airstation, now."

Dun-dun-DDDDDDDDDUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNN!

So, anyway, they got to Esthar Airstation.

"Wait a minute..." Ultimecia said. "There is no Esthar Airstation anymore! This is just where it used to be!"

Suddenly, they were surrounded by...

...Smiths. Agent Smith and his clones.

"Mr... Umm... ... ... Forget that. So... You don't like what we're doing..." Smith said, walking forwards.

"We don't even know what your doing." Seymour replied.

"Oh, well, I'll tell you. The EHPs are here, right before your eyes." Smith said with a smirk.

"No they're not." Kuja said, flicking his hair since he han't done that in a while.

"Oh yes they are." Smith said. "I'm talking about... Me."

"...(Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me)..." The other Smiths echoed.

"You see, the best part about being me is... There are so many mes." The original Smith said.

"That still doesn't tell us why you're the EHPs..." Shuyin said.

"Ah, well, we are Extremly... Homicidal... Persons..."

The other Smiths (615 of them, to be precise) then ran to attack them! ARGH! Talk about being outnumbered! Okay... So, basically, there were 6 villains... If we divide it correctly... ...

...Each villain has to take care of 102.5 Smiths! And then there's the original!

CUE 'EVERYBODY WAS KUNG-FU FIGHTING'! Because... Umm... I dunno. No EVERYONE was! In fact, the villains just pooled together their Ultimas, and wiped out all of the Smiths! Except for the original, who, of course, withstood it. But, he wasn't really much without his army of other Smiths, so, he waved a white flag above his head.

"You have done well." Smith said. "But not well enough."

"AaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! GEEZE!" Shuyin yelled, acting and sounding like the evil version of Tidus. I know that's sorta cliché, but, what do I care? "JUST TELL US WHERE THE DAMN HAIR PRODUCTS ARE, ALREADY!"

But, Smith had already run away like a little girl... But at the speed of Forrest Gump.

"AW CRAP! HE GOT AWAY!"

"So, where should we go now?" Sephiroth asked Ultimecia.

"Hmm... Well, I think they kould be gathering at the Presidential Palace." She replied. "We kould take a look there."

So, without further ado, they went to the not-so-Presidential-Palace-anymore Presidential Palace.

But, another obsticle was waiting at the entrance... Surprise, surprise.

"Hey. It's that dinosaur from the Yazoo milkshake adverts!" Seymour said, pointing.

"Hahahahahaha! Yazoo!" Seph laughed for no real reason whatsoever. Well, actually, yeah... There was a reason. "One of my remena-- Uh... I mean... Brothers is named after him."

"Actually, I'm not the Yazoo dinosaur at all. I'm King Koopa, and I'm going to DESTROY YOU ALL FOR SAYING I WAS THE YAZOO DINOSAUR!"

And, as a matter of fact, it was, in fact, King Koopa! ... ...FACT!

"Do we REALLY have to fight again?" Kuja whined. "We just fought Ganon and 615 Agent Smiths!"

"Yes, this is bekoming quite irritating now..." Ultimecia added.

"WHAT? IRRITATING?" Koopa yelled, offended at that statement. "I'M THE BEST BAD GUY YOU'VE FACED TODAY!"

"If you're the best bad guy, how can your plan be foiled by an Italian plumber and not the collection of FF villains?" Kefka asked.

"Well, Mario's obviously a better opponent than you!" Koopa argued.

"How can he be?"

"Well, first of all, he DRESSES better than all of you!"

Kefka gasped. Ultimecia gasped. Shuyin gasped. Kuja broke a glass dramatically... AND gasped! Sephiroth... ... ... Didn't do much because he was too illogical at that time to respond.

"Well...!" Kuja said, stepping forward. "You named all of your kids after famous musicians!"

"What does THAT have to do with anything?" Koopa yelled.

"Didn't you hear? I just want this fight OVER with!"

"But I must CRUSH you!"

"Okay... Guys... Huddle." Seph said, and then pulled everyone into a huddle. "Who's ever played the Super Mario games?"

"Me." Shuyin said.

"What's Koopa's weakness?"

"I don't know. I never got past the first level. It was just too hard."

"...Okay... Now let's have an answer from somone who's not an absolute retard."

No one said anything.

"Ladies! I'm waiting!" Koopa said.

The huddle broke.

"It's okay. We were just leaving." Sephiroth said, and then they all left...

...And went around the back to the back entrance! HAHAHAHAHA! Sneaky...

"Hey, you know... I bet the person who took the EHPs is the last person we would think it would be..." Shuyin said.

"And, who do you think it could be?" Kefka asked.

"Well, I think it's--"

BASS IT!

GASP! NOOO! What about Shuyin's theory? ACKTUNG-NEUN-SCWESTER, NEINE FRAU? AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! POCKETS!

Well, I have some questions form Yella Fella (thanks for asking them! The SHM are safe... For now)

1. If Kuja's so flirtatious with every guy he meets, why didn't he flirt with Sephiroth? P

ArcBus: Hmm... That's a tough question. Kuja didn't really have time, did he? First there was Gavin's invasion (Gavin is currently on summer camp with school. He took Gereldene with him. I, however, chose not to go, so that I could avoid being with that deranged moron in a no-escape situation). Then, there was Kuja blaming Sephiroth for turning him in to the Police for murdering a Beyblade character, and then the SHM came, and then Kefka with the Airship. But, yeah, I see your point. WHY didn't he?

Kuja: Because I'm SICK of people thinking I'm GAY just because I CROSSDRESS!

Shuyin: OMG? You're NOT gay?

2. Why does Cloud suddenly have an obsession with yaoi? (it's funny though!)

Cloud: What obsession?

Squall: What obsession do you THINK, dumbass?

Cloud: I'm not gay.

Squall: Yes you are.

Cloud: SHUT UP! Aeris, tell them I'm not gay!

Aeris: Psst! Seph! Wanna sneak into this dark, secluded alleyway and make out?

Sephiroth: ...OKAY! (runs in)

Cloud: Uh... Tifa?

Tifa: I am sorry, Cloud. But, as much as it breaks my heart to say this... You are gay. AND I LOVE YOU VINCENT! (WRH flashback)

Vincent: Oh hell no!

ArcBus: O...Kay...

See y'all.