Disclaimer: The Doctor and all his companions are the property of the BBC and Russell T. Davies. They are not mine, nor will they ever be.
Spoilers: mentions of the CiN Special, 'The Parting of the Ways', 'New Earth', 'Tooth and Claw', 'School Reunion', 'The Girl in the Fireplace'.
Irreplaceable
He's dead.
I still can't quite believe it. He was so there, such a familiar presence. Almost without us realising, he had become part of our lives. Part of my life.
And now he's not.
Rose asked, and I couldn't tell her. I was pretty loopy at that moment, but even then I knew she couldn't handle the truth after everything else that had happened. Actually, I expected her to demand more answers, but we did both have something else on our minds, after all.
And then later, when everything was back to an approximation of normal, we both just didn't mention…anything. Her because she believed my lie, and me because I wanted to believe it. I thought maybe if I told myself that lie enough times, it would become the truth.
But it's not the truth. It can never be the truth. My charming, dashing, happy-go-lucky, flirtatious time agent is gone, killed by a race I thought were destroyed long ago.
And he was mine. He may not have known it, and even I didn't know it at the time. But he belonged to me. And I belonged to him. All it took was one kiss to show me the light.
But one kiss was all I ever got. Because by then it was already too late. Too late to save him, too late to stop him losing his life, needlessly as it turned out.
And now Rose and I are back to our wandering existence. I've shown her New Earth and Queen Victoria, a robot dog and a royal mistress. More new sights and new people, trying to fill the gap that both of us knows is there, but neither of us wants to acknowledge.
And for a few moments I thought I could fill that gap with another. She was smart and funny and beautiful, and she understood me, as much as anyone can. And I nearly took her with me
But I missed my chance with her. And upon missing it I realised that it was a chance that never should have been taken, anyway. She would always have been just a replacement, and never the real thing, and that wouldn't have been fair to her.
And besides, he could never be replaced. He is irreplaceable. The only person who can fill the gap is him. And that can never happen.
My reason and knowledge fight against my impulses and desires. There are moments when the only thing stopping me from literally yanking him out of his own past and back into my life is sheer willpower. And that scares me, knowing that but for the strength of my own resolve, I would be willing to risk his timeline and mine just to have him back. Sanity is a fragile thing, and one day I'm afraid that it will fail, and I won't be able to hold out any longer.
But for now I prevail, even though I desperately want to see him again, if only for a moment, to sharpen a memory that I'm afraid will begin to fade with the passing of time.
So instead I cling to Rose, the one constant in the whirlwind that is my life. With her I can almost be like my old self, and try to forget my pain.
She is not him, but at least she is here.
For now.