Stalkerazzi

Gertrude was bored. She had had enough of annoying people for a while, so she decided to go waste some of her parents' money. Like most filthy rich girls, she usually blew a few thousand dollars at one store in one day. However, unlike said filthy rich girls, she blew it at Wal-Mart. And spent it on items such as Post-Its, sharpies, duct tape, laundry baskets, ice cream, and a giant bouncy ball. Because everyone needs a giant bouncy ball.

On her way to the check-out line, she suddenly had an idea. She abruptly turned her cart around, ran into a pregnant woman with three kids behind her, apologized, ran her cart down the aisle as fast as she could, turned slightly to the left, and found a digital camera.

"Goodness me, I seem to have found a really expensive digital camera!" Gertrude shouted. Several people turned around and gave her dirty looks.

"Dude, this is Wal-Mart. Everything's cheap. Even their employee benefits are che- HEY!" A younger boy was being dragged out of the store by his mother. "They're watching us, honey. Don't say anything about their management problems or we'll get kicked out like last time."

Gertrude examined the camera box and put it in her cart, though it was more of a drop, as if she had been dangling it from a second-story window. She turned back towards the check-outs, paid for all of her stuff, left, shoved the stuff in her trunk, put on a dirty blonde wig, took the camera out from the pile of plastic bags, and went back in. She was going to have a little fun with the middle-class Americans in Jump City's Wal-Mart.

Gertrude situated herself in a "clever" hiding place (behind the return/exchange counter, where there already was a cashier on duty). "Hi, I'm… Henrietta. I like cameras," she said to the cashier. "Do you know what this word means?" she asked, pointing to the label underneath the screen of her camera.

"Flash." The cashier scowled. "That short bright light that goes off when you take a picture? Are you a tourist or something?"

"No. I live in Canada" was Gertrude's meek reply.

"Whatever. Hey, what are you doing behind the counter? You're not an associate." The cashier pushed Gertrude out. "I'm getting the manager. You're in big trouble, Hilary."

"Gert-Henrietta!" Gertrude corrected, nearly blowing her cover.

"Whatever. Attention Wal-Mart associates, please call the manager; we have a code lemon on our hands!" the cashier said into the intercom.

"Oookay, time to go." Gertrude fled, running full speed ahead into the glass door. "THE WORLD IS FLAT! NOOOOOO!" Her muffled screams nearly cracked the glass. Eventually she figured out that she couldn't move and had to OPEN THE DOOR in order to get out. The people that came in gave her even dirtier looks than the people by the electronics. Gertrude merely stuck her nose up in the air and marched out the door.

In the parking lot was a scrawny old man holding a cane with a funky red gemstone on it. "Say it with me, lil' girl. They're not elevators, they're liiii-iiifts. You Yankees botched up the English language, you did!" he said. The little girl began to cry.

"Hey, you're one of those creepy old guys that stalk teenage girls on the Internet!" Gertrude snapped at him.

"Oi! Me name's Moddy and I don' even like little girls like yourself. How dare you insult me like that?" Mad Mod snapped.

"Ooh, yeah, my bad. Sorry. Why don't we… try that again? Hi, my name's Gertrude." Gertrude said, saluting like a dork.

"All right, then. 'Ello there…uh… guvnah… Mad Mod replied, reading off a cue card.

"Eh, you read off cue cards? Pathetic." The little girl laughed.

"'Ay! I only read off cue cards when I'm introducing meself as bein' a civilian." Mad Mod glared. "Now, if I were to try to take over your lil' city here, then I'd toss the cue cards out and improvise a long speech, you see, mah duckie?"

"Quack." Gertrude piped up.

"Uh… sure…" the little girl said as she ran to catch up with her mother.

"Now, uh, where was I?" Mad Mod asked, shuffling around in a circle.

Flash. "Is it working yet?" Gertrude asked.

"OI! TURN OFF THE FLASH, DEARIE! YOU'RE BLINDIN' ME!" he shouted, covering his squinted eyes.

Flash. "Is it working yet?" Gertrude asked again.

"YES, YES, JUST TURN OFF THE FLASH!" Mad Mod repeated.

Flash. "Is it working yet?" Gertrude asked again.

"FOR THE LAST TIME, YES, THE CAMERA IS WORKING JUST FINE! NOW TURN THAT BLASTED FLASH OFF BEFORE I GO BLIND!" Mad Mod's face was purple with anger.

Click. "I think I broke it- oh, wait, no I didn't. This was fun, Mr. Moddy. Now I must go upload this to your fake MySpace OHCRAPIJUSTBLURTEDOUTMYPLANgottagobyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyye!" Gertrude sprinted towards her car, her wig sliding off somewhat. She literally hopped into her car and sped off towards the stoplight.

"Aye, that was odd. Now why was I here? Oh, well, I better go find me car-"

SPLAT

Mad Mod was cut off by the giant foot crashing down on his spine, driveling him into the ground.