Story Summary: Every afternoon, after school, Gaara meets with his therapist to try and figure out why he went crazy last year and nearly killed someone. At the same time, she helps him realize things about himself. SasuGaa mainly, mentions of NaruHina and HakuNeji.
Warnings: Rated M for language, abuse, male-male relationships (though there's nothing serious), mention of suicide, violence, and some other things.
Notes: Thanks for the reviews, scroll down past this is you don't care about responses.
narroch06 - Whee, my beta! Thank you, thank you, thank you! -super hug- My first beta ever! -hands over cookies and ice cream- And such a helpful one, too!
Kage Of Fire - It was only short because it was the prologue. But, hopefully this is more to your liking.
malk33 - Well, this is the more you need! Glad you like it.
green24 - You must and you shall. Thanks for the review. Was great to see after I got home from work. -smile-
Monday
"So, how was school?"
"Fine."
I suppose for any normal person, that would be the beginning of a conversation between a high schooler and a parent when school has ended and said high schooler got home. But I'm not normal, so instead that was me lying to my therapist--again. I wouldn't be here if school was 'fine'. And, sadly, she knows this.
"Anything interesting happen? Good grades? Bad grades? A lunch that wasn't disgusting?" She presses, as I take a seat on the couch on the other side of her desk; I remain sitting up straight, my backpack on the floor by my feet.
"I passed an English test." I say after a moment. It's almost always the same, Chiyo--that's my therapist, and I call her 'Chiyo' because I don't know what else to call her--asks me about my day, then makes me go into specifics. Eventually she'll get around to what really happened. She's so goddamn manipulative.
"Good job." She smiles, in a congratulating way, and I briefly wonder if this is what it's like to have a grandmother. I doubt it, grandmother's don't sit behind a big wooden desk and take notes while they talk to you, a tape recorder next to them. At least, I think they don't. I should ask Kankurou…
"Gaara? Are you still there?" Shit, did I get lost in my thought again? I must have… And now she'll want to know what I was thinking about.
"Yeah, sorry." I say finally, remembering after the word leaves my mouth that--as she says--I 'never need to apologize for anything' around her. "I was just kind of wondering if this is what it's like to have a grandmother--you know, without the note taking and tape recorder, but with the questions and… Uh… praise." I answer, flushing slightly. I zone out too much, it's why I don't do too well in school.
"Oh, I see…" She writes something else down, smiling slightly. "So, you passed an English test, that's great. What about math? I know last week you said that algebra was giving you trouble, is it still difficult? Or did you ask one of your siblings for help?"
Now here's where I wonder: Does she actually remember those kinds of details for every patient, or did she listen to last week's tapes before today's session, so she'd be able to keep me talking? "Algebra is still tough, but Temari is helping me out." I answer, shrugging some.
"That's good, it's always nice to be close to your siblings." She writes something else down, and I'm half-tempted to ask if I can see what she writes about me. Maybe she'll let me keep the yellow legal pad when--if?--I ever get to stop having these sessions.
"Is anything else going on at school, Gaara?" She asks after a few moments of rather awkward silence, something we have a lot. I don't talk about my feelings, even to people I trust. And after two months, I still barely know Chiyo.
"Football tryouts were last week, and Naruto found out he made Varsity this morning." I answer after a moment. I do this all the time, to see how perceptive the woman really is.
See, I'm technically in therapy because I had an 'episode' at the end of the school year last year, and nearly killed someone. Or at least that's what they tell me. For the first month or so of summer I was in a psych ward while they tried to figure out what triggered my mental melt-down and drove me to that point of insanity. All the brain scans they did, and all the docs in white lab coats looking me over and talking to me--and not getting answers--and in the end I told Kankurou, after he convinced them that I'd have another episode if they didn't let me out.
So yeah, I left the psych ward, got my baggy black clothes back--no more white hospital johnnies, yea--and that night while Kankurou and I were hanging out in his room I just told him.
Told him damn near everything, about how all year a bunch of kids had been making fun of me, shoving me into lockers and beating me up. About the names, and the jokes, and the childish meanness. And Kankurou actually listened. All those docs at the ward, they didn't really hear me when I spoke, maybe because I just babbled--I want to get some ice cream, Daddy, please? Temari, you look fine, honestly, why would Kankurou lie to you? Oh hell no, I am not going to wear your kabuki make-up! Go to hell!--but Kankurou did. He gave me feed-back, and asked questions--mostly about why I didn't tell anyone, which I still don't know the reasoning--and the next day he called up the psych ward and told them. So they put me on sedatives and sent me to Chiyo.
That was a month before school started. Now it's the end of September, and no one at school knows I go to therapy, just like no one knows I'm on pills. I'm sure some of them--like Naruto, who's my only real friend--notice that I'm a lot more mellow, almost empty in the mornings, just like I'm sure they notice that by the middle of the day I start to get agitated, and by the time the two-thirty bell rings, I'm mellow again. In fact, I'm almost sure Naruto knows I take some sort of medicine, because we eat lunch together, and every lunch time I have to go take my second sedative. The things only last six hours, so I take one when I get up, during my noon lunch, and then right before dinner. I don't bother with a midnight one, even if I'm hardly ever asleep then. Everyone else is, so there's nothing to piss me off.
Is Chiyo talking? I got caught up in my thoughts again, so I guess I missed another question from her "Huh?" I ask, rather unintelligently, blinking myself back to the current time and place.
She sighs some, setting her pen down for a moment. "Gaara, honestly, we only have an hour a night together, I'd really prefer it if you paid at least some attention. I know you don't want to be here, but if you cooperate and talk to me, you'll be able to stop coming here sooner." She sits back, picking up her yellow legal pad again. "Anyways, that's good that Naruto made the Varsity team, you said he had been hoping to. Now he'll be able to tell the other varsity boys to leave you alone, hm?"
"Yeah…" I say softly, even though I know it won't work. Most of them just won't listen, mainly Uchiha Itachi and his gang. They're scary, because nearly all of them are way bigger than any high school senior--which is what they all are--has any right to be, and most of them seem like they eat guys my size for breakfast.
I don't realize I'm speaking out loud until it's too late to shut myself up.
"Itachi and Kisame are in my phys ed class this year, and they cornered me in the locker room today after everyone else was gone." I take a deep breath, knowing that now I'll have to share the story, trying to keep myself from shaking. Sedatives stop me from getting angry and attacking random people, but they don't stop me from feeling panicky and shaky a lot of the time.
-Flashback-
He was facing the wall, changing out of his sweatpants and t-shirt when they made their move. The only people left in the locker room were some freshmen who wouldn't dare say anything, so it was okay.
Kisame and Itachi were both silent as they moved behind Gaara, Kisame grabbing his wrists just as he lifted his t-shirt over his head, turning him and slamming his arms into one of the lockers.
Itachi stood there, facing him, looking smugly down at the trembling red-head. "You're little blond boyfriend making Varsity doesn't mean shit." He hissed, and Gaara swallowed, with some difficulty. "He doesn't have the balls to stand up to me, and even if he did, I'd pound his queer ass into the ground too. Hell, I might do that to him anyways, just for associating himself with you." Itachi sneered, bringing a hand up, lifting Gaara's chin in a faux gentle gesture, forcing green eyes to meet black ones.
Gaara was trembling badly, trying to pull himself away from them, his eyes wide, terrified. It was times like this he wished he didn't have sedatives, he couldn't even force himself to get angry and fight back, since it was still strong in his system. And apparently, Itachi was at least smart enough to know that. He seemed to know that after lunch Gaara was somehow reduced to trembling instead of putting up some effort to fight back.
The bell signaling the end of class rang, but neither Itachi nor Kisame made a move to leave him there. Itachi stood up, letting go of Gaara's chin, still staring down at him, his black-as-coal eyes cold and merciless. "Another thing, fag, if you ever so much as look at my brother again, I'll gouge your fucking ugly eyes out." Itachi turned then, and Kisame let his wrists go, giving him a growl and a sharp kick in the knee as he walked away, making Gaara fall to the ground--as if he wasn't going to all ready.
-End Flashback-
"…and that was how Naruto found me at the beginning of next class. He has phys ed then, and I guess that's kind of lucky…" I laugh, weakly, reaching down and rubbing the side of my knee where there is a bruise.
Chiyo looks concerned, standing up from her desk and walking over to me. She quickly rolls up my pants leg, her breath becoming a sharp intake of air when she sees my knee. Is it really that bad? I thought the swelling had gone down, though maybe it's just how nasty the bruise looks.
"I've been telling those doctors since you started coming here that you weren't the one with the anger problem, and you shouldn't be on sedatives. You need to fight back, or they're never going to stop. You just need to be controlled about how you fight back." She mutters, grabbing her first aid kit, rubbing some sort of liquid on my knee before wrapping it in a bandage.
I don't bother saying anything through the ordeal, mentally berating myself for ever speaking. Chiyo knows more about me than my own father, though, so I guess its okay. She told me during our first session that she wasn't there to judge me, only to help.
It seem like she's the only one who can really see what was wrong with me, since I don't talk to those other doctors, not anything they wanted to hear, anyways. I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm bipolar, or maybe schizophrenic, but I don't see things, or hear voices. I get angry sometimes, and depressed other times, and I'm scared a lot. I'm only really happy when it's just Kankurou and Temari and me at home, not that dad's a bad person. It's just… We were never close.
He sort of blames me for mom being dead, anyways, even if he tries not to scream it every time I mess up.
"Oh! I almost forgot!" I say suddenly, startling Chiyo, who's back before her desk, suddenly smiling. I hadn't noticed before, but I think I was trembling while I told my story, since my wrist bands are all out of place. I fix them as I talk, still grinning. "There's this new kid in school, a senior, named Haku or something, and he sat with Naruto and me during lunch today. He's really nice, and he thought my tattoo was pretty." I beam at Chiyo, and she smiles back. I once heard her tell Kankurou that she loves it when I smile, because it shows her that I'm not completely insane.
I really don't think I was supposed to hear her say that.
"That's great, Gaara. Our time is up today, but you'll have to tell me about him tomorrow." She answers, smiling slightly, waving for me to go. "Oh, don't forget, Wednesday is a group session, I'll call your brother and remind him, too, okay?" She asks, and I nod.
Group sessions are kind of weird, because they're not like people with the same sort of problems sitting around talking about how they try to get better. Technically, I'd have to go to every sort of group psychotherapy in existence, if everything my doctors said was true.
According to them, I'm: Dealing with anger issues (only when people piss me off), depressed (that's because I used to cut myself--so emo, huh?), bipolar (because I can go from happy to sad and back in seconds, just how I am), schizophrenic (I have no idea why, I've never claimed to see or hear things), insomniac (well that one's sort of true), suicidal (again, the cutting--damn it, I don't do that anymore!), homicidal (probably from that 'episode'), prone to panic-attacks (because you wouldn't get nervous if a six-foot-four football player was about to pound you into the ground), and suffering from mild post-traumatic stress syndrome (which makes me wonder, my whole life has been traumatic, am I dead now?). Yeah, group therapy is going to be hard to find.
"Oh Chiyo? Can I bring Naruto to this next group session? I… kind of want him to know where I go every night after school. He's starting to speculate I actually got a job." I joke lightly, still in a rather good mood. Naruto is my best friend, he deserves to know at least some of my life.
"Sure, if you really want him to come, I have no objections. You may want to tell him where he's going, though, some people are uncomfortably with the idea of therapy." She shrugs slightly, nodding wisely, flipping through her notes. "Oh, and getting a job would be good for you, it would fill the hours!" She calls as I finally leave the office, nodding to the secretary on the way out.
--
End Notes: My plans changed, since I don't know my own vacation schedule. Needless to say, this chapter has indeed gone up on Monday, since I was home and it didn't go up sooner because I left Wednesday evening.
A million thanks to my beta, narroch06, who helped me with some of the stuff in this chapter, and made it better. Shall be sending chapter two ASAP!
Expect chapter two to be up by next Monday, though again, the offer to update sooner stands. Five or more reviews for this chapter, and I shall update it on Friday. Wow, I love having the entire story written down, so I can update whenever.