Disclaimer: I know they're not mine. I'm old and tired so, PTB, please don't slap me around for playing with your toys.
" We agreed."
I can tell he hears me, knows what I'm saying by the way he slows progress picking peppers from the calzone on his plate. " Linc, if you don't like green pepper, why don't you try telling them to make it without them.? "
Finally, after hours of near total silence interrupted occasionally by stilted conversation about where I wanted the baby furniture placed after he assembles each piece, I see the light of something real, something honest,
flash across his face as he levels a stern gaze on me while he speaks.
" I didn't agree... I didn't agree to THIS."
Frustrated, angry, but trying desperately to keep his anger in check, he stabs several of the peppers on the edge of plate onto the fork as he speaks,
stuffing them into his mouth when he's done as if he needs them, something more bitter and distasteful than his words, to offset what he has to say.
" I didn't agree to this! I would never have agreed to it, Sara. Sending him away, letting him walk out on his child. I would have never done any of it if I'd known you were pregnant."
It takes everything I have in me to fight back the tears stinging my eyes,
but I find the strength because I need this man.
Need him because he is my friend, because he is the closest thing to family I've known in a very long time, because he may be the only thing my child will ever know of his father. I take a deep breath preparing to speak my mind, knowing full well all of it, that 'need,' can and will fall apart if we don't clear the air.
" I know you wouldn't have. That's why I didn't tell you or him. "
Startled by my honesty, he sets his plate down hard on the coffee-table in front of him, turning slowly to face me, his eyes locked on me every inch of the way. " Do you have any idea what this is going to do to him? Are you aware that our own father walked out on us before Michael was born, Sara? "
Startled by the sudden release of pent up anger, yet equally relieved to be getting things out in the open, I work hard to keep control of my own emotions while setting my own plate gently on the table next to his as I speak. " I know the history, Lincoln. I know what this will mean to him if he ever finds out, but his safety meant everything to me. Even now, knowing how this will hurt him, knowing he's safe still means more to me than all of that. Right or wrong, it's all I could think about... then and now."
" Ever finds out? Of course he'll find out! "
His voice rises slowly and steadily with each world until I find myself uncomfortable, the tiniest bit frightened, as he finally gives into full-on shouting. " You need to understand he will find out because I will find him.
I don't care what it takes.. how long it takes me to do it...I will find him, Sara. And heaven help us both when I do because he won't understand. The 'why' and 'what for' won't matter because all he'll see is how he abandoned his child. How you and I made him do it."
Unable to sit anymore, rising to his feet, hovering over me, chest heaving in anger, I get a glimpse of the raw power of this man, one I know to be gentle and kind, that could have lead people to believe him capable of murder.
" How could you have done this? HOW! Explain it to me ... I need to understand! "
" Because I loved him! "
Unable to hold back a moment longer, I give in, letting the tears flow freely with my words. " I want him here too, Lincoln!..."
My own anger, obvious pain, startles him to the point he begins physically backing away as I speak my mind in return. "I want Michael next to me in that room when this baby is born more than anything, but you know as well as I do that wasn't going to happen. We had nothing to prove his innocence when we sent him away. We've got NOTHING now! If he'd come back, if you'd found him, he'd be in prison right now and you know it."
Fighting for control, choking back the torrent of tears as best I can, I do what I can to explain it to him, hoping to mend the painfully unspoken tension between the two of us. " I want to be able to tell this child that their father loved them, because you know he would have, Lincoln. Tell him or her that he'd have done anything to be with them, we both know he would, but he just couldn't. Tell them anything less painful than having to tell them that their father is locked up for life, worse yet - murdered, in prison for a crime he didn't commit.
"You of all people should understand that, Linc! "
Wanting more than anything to look away, knowing I can't because he has to understand, I look him dead in the eye with one last plea I hope he'll understand. " Think about it. After everything your own son went through in the last year, wouldn't you have done anything to have spared him? If there had been a way to make certain none of what happened to you ever touched him, no matter the cost to yourself, wouldn't you have done it? Wouldn't you?"
He stands there, staring down at me, wordless, for a long while before snatching a throw pillow off the end of the couch as he walks slowly around the table stopping to stand next to me, right over me. " Doc said you're supposed have your feet up at night."
With a warm but sad smile, pushing my plate and a magazine aside with the side of his arm, he plops the pillow on the table nudging my legs up gently with his foot. " Do what the Doc tells you. I gotta take good care of you two until I get him back home. He's gonna have my ass for the rest of this mess, so I'm not about to add neglect to the list!"
Doing as I'm told, lifting my swollen feet to the pillow, relieved to feel the tension ease a bit, I reach over taking hold of his forearm, stopping him before he can move away. " I'm so sorry..."
Turning back to face me, his free hand coming up, covering my hand stroking it gently on his arm, he looks down at me with nothing but kindness as he speaks.
" Nah! Don't be sorry. Don't even think it. If you're gonna part of this family - and you are ..." With that he bends down kissing the top of my head tenderly while brushing the hair, damp with tears away from my face. " ... you've gotta learn to hold your own with all of us, including me.
" You rest, take it easy, I'll clean all this up for you"
Watching him move, sweeping both plates into one large hand with ease, I can't help the loud groan of discomfort coming from my lips as I shift position in an attempt to recline my aching body.
" Heartburn? "
He stops in front of me, watching me carefully.
" Yeah, a little bit, but I'm use to that by now. It's this backache I've had all day that's really killing me."
Taking hold of both glasses in the other hand, he issues what I can tell by his tone is far more order than suggestion or request. " Go lie down. No sense lying on that couch when you'll be far more comfortable in bed. You need your rest! I'll clean all this up, finish with the cradle, and check in on you before I go."
Lying on the bed, soft light filtering in from the other room, unable to sleep, I listen to him shuffling around, washing dishes, straightening up in the living-room, working as quietly as possible assembling the cradle in the next room for the better part of an hour.
Realizing he's done, the light flicking off in the next room, I wait quietly for him to appear in the doorway, leaning in, checking on me like he always does,
expecting to find me safe, secure, and sound asleep as he heads home for the night.
As soon as I see his silhouette enter the doorway, I take him by surspise by leaning up on my elbows to meet his gaze.
" Hey! Why aren't you sleeping? You won't be getting sleep for a long time to come. You need to get all you can now. "
" I feel too lousy to sleep. "
Too dark to see him clearly I can see the concern written all over his face as clear as a bell in my mind as he moves through the dark room taking a seat on the foot of the bed. " Heartburn that bad tonight, huh? "
I hesitate for a moment, feeling a nervous flutter mingled with everything else going on inside me, deep in the pit of my stomach at the mere thought of saying what it is I need to say. " Kind of ... except this particular heartburn is coming at regular intervals that seem to be getting stronger and closer together all the time. "
" What? "
He slides down the side of the bed until he's close enough to take hold of my hand, allowing me to lean in against his shoulder as another wave of pain sweeps through my body. " Now?... Damn it! I shouldn't have argued with you. Jesus! I'm sorry, Sara. "
Burying my head against him, breathing slow and steady, riding the wave waiting for it to subside, I can't help but laugh at his assumed guilt. " This isn't because of any argument. We needed to talk and you knew it as well as I did. It has nothing to do with that. Babies come when they want to. You know that! I've had contractions off and on for days now, Linc. They've always stopped before - eventually. But it looks like they're not going to this time..."
The pain easing, I lean back switching on a lamp on the bedside table so I can see him, he can see me, clearly. " It's gonna be tonight. The contractions are under ten minutes apart now. We need to go to the hospital... now. "
TBC...