Encore
All that I'll do, comes back to you
So I'll just think about you til there's nothing in my head
All I can do, is try not to screw this up again
And just be friends I'd rather be dead
-Marvelous 3 / Cigarette Lighter Love Song
Sean strained to tug the tie away from his neck. He wasn't sure if it was just him or if the spring weather was suddenly turning into summer. The uncomfortable sweating made him fidget in the hard wooden chair.
Dinner with his parents…their anniversary. He wished Tracker had given him a better reason than just…
"Sean…it's their twentieth wedding anniversary, we can atleast give them the respect…"
"respect Tracker? They can't go a few hours without needing a bottle of wine or beer, what respect could they possibly deserve from me?" Sean asked, turning red from anger.
Tracker sighed, "Sean I know they haven't been the best parents…but as far as I know, they're our only parents."
"Laying it on a bit thick aren't we Tracker?"
Tracker laughed as he felt the guilt wash over him for conning his brother into spending the weekend with their lovely parents.
It was a simple fact, for anyone that knew the Cameron family, the adults were more like irresponsible children than adults. Hope Simon had given birth to Tracker when she was still in highschool, marrying Lionel Cameron two years after graduation. Tracker grew up around several fights between his parents, and they had been separated for almost two years when they got back together and conceived Sean. Sean was meant to be Hope's miracle child, to keep the family together, hence Sean's middle name being Hope. Yes, it was a bit unique for a boy to have such a feminine middle name, but it was more of a wish, than a name.
Sean's birth had been that miracle, Lionel and Hope were back together, unfortunately a constant supply of Canada's finest brew in the fridge was the constant denominator. Drinking had been what kept the couple together, but tore the family apart.
"why are we doing this again?" Sean whispered to Tracker as they waited in the cigarette fumed, alcohol perfumed living room. Waiting on their mother and father to change for dinner, a dinner that neither of the children wanted to attend.
"because they're our parents Sean…."
"myea, that's a good reason" Sean answered annoyed, as he folded his arms across his old, white dress shirt.
Hope Cameron entered the living room, stuffing a small flask into her purse. Dressed in a dark, navy blue dress she spun around in a circle, "How do I look boys?" she asked, as she stumbled in light drunken stupor. Tracker stood up and gave his mother his arm.
"beautiful" he said kissing her cheek.
Hope blushed and released herself from Tracker's helpful arm and walked over to Sean, "and how's my baby?"
"the same way I was when you abandoned me in Toronto," Sean answered gruffly, and not fazed by his mother's sweet attitude.
Lionel Cameron walked into the living room, buttoning the cuffs of his long-sleeved dress shirt. The years had done a number on the once tall and muscular man. He was not slim and weak, the only thing he'd be able to lift these days was not the small child that Sean had been, but only a twelve ounce can of beer. "Are we all ready?" he asked. Sean stood up and gruffly complied as the all left the small trailer home and piled into the old family station wagon.
Dinner went… "well I think…" Tracker said as they drove the long way home Sunday night.
Sean frowned.
Tracker looked over at his little brother, 'or maybe not' Tracker could tell his brother was not happy, and could he blame him? Hope and Lionel Cameron did not make this weekend easy on either one of their children. If they weren't disappointed in Sean's grades they were disappointed with Tracker's new job. Tracker had even managed to point out that Sean was getting a full letter grade higher in English than he was only a semester before. It just wasn't good enough.
And as the waiter brought out more bottles of wine to the table the conversation didn't get much better…
"Tracker sent me your report card, Sean" Hope said. Sean's eyes brightened, hoping they would take notice to the progress he had made after Ellie began helping him in some of his subjects. He leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table, as he dared to listen to his mother speak. "I'm disappointed Sean, how can you almost be failing English?" she said.
"you speak the damn language, boy, and you're failing it's course, yet getting a perfect grade in auto shop? I don't understand son" Lionel added.
"well regardless I'm still doing well" Sean argued, now leaning back in the wooden chair.
"what do you expect to do if you can't speak the language?" Hope retorted.
Sean bit his lip. He didn't want to make it any worse. But as he held back the insults, they continued to spout songs of disappointment.
"How can you do this son? Being such a disgrace on our anniversary? Lionel added to the cake.
Sean was furious, and slammed his hand down on the table, "at least I'll graduate" he said angrily, yet in a level tone as not to arise a scene in the restaurant.
Lionel turned beat red, and arose to take the back of his hand across Sean's face for his disrespect. Sean clenched his eyes shut, expecting a smack across his cheek, but it never came. He peeked an eye open and noticed that Tracker was holding back his father's arm and whispering into his ear. Lionel sat back down.
Dinner was awkward and silent after that.
"I'm sorry about this weekend, Sean" Tracker said, "maybe I shouldn't have made you go."
"No, I'm glad I went" Sean answered as he played with the seatbelt. Tracker looked at his little brother warily. "Now I know what to avoid being when I'm an adult."
Tracker smiled weakly, " I know what you mean."
"I never want to be like them."
" I know, Sean."
Sean weakly fell into bed the moment they reached their house. After spending the weekend on the couch in Wasaga, his tiny bed seemed to be like a luxury to him. As much as he regretted the weekend, he regretted the fact that he had to wakeup and go to school the next morning even more.
Sean stumbled into class just before the bell rang the next day. He looked terrible, like he hadn't slept well. In fact ever since Ellie left he'd been out of sync. Nothing worked right with Sean. The only stable things in his life, at this moment, were Tracker, Jay, and Alex. He would count Amy, but he didn't want her constant attention. He found himself needing to shove her off of him more than usual since Ellie had left.
Teachers noticed Sean's sudden lack of energy, but blew it off, thinking it was just Monday blues. The only person to really notice had been Ms. Suave. "You okay Sean?" she asked as he fell on the ratty couch in her office, "I never get students in here this early.
Sean looked up, "I spent the weekend in Wasaga Beach with my brother…it was my parents anniversary."
"And how did that go?" she asked, moving to the chair in front of the couch. Sean looked at the woman and gave her a look. A look that shouted, 'are you serious?' He didn't need to say anything to convey his unhappiness. "So that bad huh?"
"I shouldn't have gone…but…"
"But?"
"I'm glad I went…"
"and why is that?" she asked.
"Because now I am more serious about wanting to not be like them."
Ms. Suave smiled, "that's good Sean."
"Yo…I'm exhausted, do you think I could like nap my way through MI?" he asked.
Ms. Suave laughed, " I don't think so, why don't you go to MI and if you're still feeling like this later, you can come back and talk, maybe I'll let it slip if you fall asleep." She smiled and winked as Sean stood up and left her office.
"I can come back?" he asked, popping his head back in.
"Anytime Sean…" she answered, "Just make sure I have an open schedule first, or make an appointment to see me.
Sean stumbled into Mr. Simpson's class a few moments late and slipped him a note. It was the last class he had before lunch today, and the fact that he only had to endure an hour sitting in between Emma and Toby was do-able. He could handle that. He attempted to pay attention but found a distraction in his messenger…
Ellie was online…He didn't know she was allowed online. None the less he denied it as a fluke and sent her a message.
whocares: hi
NoLabels: how r u?
whocares: dinner with the rents in wasaga
NoLabels: how was it?
Sean thought about the best way to describe the experience that basically resulted in a further rift between him and his parents. Dare he tell her about how they treated him? Being apart from Ellie just proved his parents right, he wasn't the son they wanted him to be, and he was stupid. For some odd reason however, when he was with Ellie, he wasn't stupid. Ellie never made him feel stupid.
whocares: meh…
NoLabels: that bad?
whocares: would rather have spent my time AA
NoLabels:ouch…
And then a moment of silence, he half expected Ellie to continue the conversation, and then suddenly another message from the same person disrupted his thoughts.
NoLabels: hi
Had he not just said 'hi' to her? Either two things had occurred, (1) Ellie lost an internet connection or (2)…
whocares: I take it I'm not talking 2 Ellie NE more
NoLabels: nope…this is her roommate, Verity
whocares: where did Ellie go?
NoLabels: bathroom
whocares: cool…
Sean began to think nervously; did Verity know about him? And then his question was answered.
NoLabels: so UR the infamous Sean
whocares: the 1 and only
NoLabels: so…like, do you love Ellie or something?
Sean's heart began to race. Of course he loved her. He hadn't broken up for her. God why is everyone making such a big deal out of this? We didn't break up, we're on a break…Is there a difference? Of course there was a difference, but no one acknowledged it. The truth of the matter was…
whocares: I love her, yea…
whocares: we're just on a break
whocares: I have my own issues 2 work out 2
NoLabels: cool….we'll we R goin' 2 lunch now ttyl
(NoLabels has just signed off)
Sean stared at the computer screen. She had signed off, well, Verity had signed off, and she had gone without saying goodbye. Was he supposed to feel hurt? Because if he wasn't, he sure did feel it, and it wasn't fun. It wasn't fun at all. He needed to get out tonight.
Class ended and Sean ran into Jay in the hall, "hey man, what are you doin' tonight?" he asked as they caught up with Towerz outside his last class.
Jay shrugged, "I dunno man…prolly headin' to the Ravine, why you wanna come?"
Sean leaned against the lockers as Jay spun his combination lock, " I'm thinking about it, I just talked to Ellie,…"
"talked to Vampy?" Jay asked as he pulled open the locker.
"Yea…" Sean said, not happy with Ellie's nickname, " she seems to be doin' good," he continued unsure of himself, "I need a break…"
"I didn't know we were dating" Jay said, adjusting his hat in the mirror Alex had put in his locker.
Towerz laughed, "I think he meant he needs to have some fun."
Jay and Sean turned to Towerz with a look of complete disbelief.
"Dude, why don't we just call you Silent Bob," Jay said closing his locker.
Sean laughed, and couldn't stop. His eyes began to water and finally started to slow it down as he noticed Jay and Towerz standing at him.
"Dude?"
Sean looked at Jay, "man, Jay…Silent Bob…?" Sean waved his hand, and pushed passed them, walking towards auto shop, "ravine tonight?" Sean called back behind him.
"Yea, man…meet me at my place." Jay called as he made a pit stop to Alex's locker.
For a Friday night the Ravine, "it's kinda slow" Sean mentioned as he opened his bottle of water, taking a sip. Jay threw an arm around his should and raised his can of beer. And waving his arm around.
"man, it's only like…seven…" Jay argued, "the cool people don't show up until…at least nine."
"Then why are we here?"
"Cause we're the trendsetters, bro…we bring the party…with out us…the geeks would have no one to look up to…I mean…" Jay pointed threw the small crowd of people, "even Cause Girl showed up."
Sean looked in the direction Jay was pointing and say Emma with Manny; both looking extremely attractive in their tight jeans, Manny in her trademark low cut top, and Emma with a light cardigan over top of hers. Sean rolled his eyes, "just what I need, ex-girlfriend on a night I need air…"Sean breathed. And then groaned as he noticed Emma's eyes catch him watching; she started to walk over. "Great…just my luck…"
"Man, what's with you and the chicks?" Jay asked, " I mean…is it the eyebrows?" Sean pushed his laughing buddy away, "I'll be right over there stud…" and pointed towards the cooler.
Sean took another sip of water and screwed the top back on the bottle. He struggled not to spit out the water all over the blonde in front of him as he heard the words…
"Hi Sean."
Sean swallowed, "Emma…"
"I heard about Ellie…"
" I don't wanna talk about Ellie tonight, I'm trying to just relax a bit…"
" so you go to a party to get drunk?" Emma asked, not impressed.
Sean shoved the water bottle in her face, "yea…I'm drunk."
"Don't think you're special and the only person who put liquor in a water bottle"
"or the only person to actually drink water out of a water bottle" Sean said angrily, walking away.
Emma grabbed his arm, "Sean…I'm sorry."
Sean turned around to face her, and breathed through his teeth.
" I mean…are you okay?" she asked.
"Am I okay?" Sean asked, his face flushing red with anger, "Oh, yea I'm fine…just fuckin' fine."
"are you sure?"
"YES!" he shouted, and Emma stumbled backwards, then he took a moment to breathe and apologize, "I'm sorry…look, things are tense right now…"
"wanna talk about it?"
"Emma, look, you can't fix everything…that's all you ever did when we were together, try and fix me." Sean was crushing the water bottle in his hand, causing it to crinkle loudly, " I'm not broken…I'm not some little toy, or a project…I'm Sean."
"I know---"
"No! No, Emma, you don't know…" he said trying to walk away.
"Sean listen, I'm sorry"
"Sorry for what?" he asked stopping, his back still turned to her.
"For being the nasty ex-girlfriend."
Sean turned around, "I'm sorry, for all the problems I've caused…" Sean walked over to a picnic table, one next to the stereo, and sat down on the bench, leaned back listening to the radio. Emma took a seat next to him on the bench as he nodded his head to the music. And Sean started to laugh as he paid close attention to the lyrics…
Shit's Fucked Up
That's the way it goes
One minute's kicking ass
Then the next one really blows
So at the moment when you think
That everything really sucks
Reality goes and tells you
That your shit's fucked up
Control yourself! Control your mind!
Or else this world's gonna leave your ass behind
SHIT'S FUCKED UP! UH HUH!
SHIT'S FUCKED UP! WHAT!
SHIT'S FUCKED UP! OH YEAH!
SHIT'S...FUCKED...UP
But you're never getting down
No matter how many hits you take
Gonna kick it live no matter
How many mistakes you make
Holding in perspective
What's good and what's bad
There's no sense in getting angry
There's no sense in getting mad
Control yourself! Control your mind!
Or else this world's gonna leave your ass behind
SHIT'S FUCKED UP! UH HUH!
SHIT'S FUCKED UP! WHAT!
SHIT'S FUCKED UP! OH YEAH!
SHIT'S...FUCKED...UP
When will I live? When will I die?
And how will I keep control of my mind?
This world that we live in
Has got its ups and downs
But I keep on moving' on
And I never hit the...ground
"Shit's fucked up…" he muttered under his breath as the song finished.
"but you keep moving on" Emma added, feeling completely sappy as she toyed with the lyrics as Sean had just done. Sean looked over at Emma and laughed harder.
"thanks…" Sean said.
"you're welcome" Emma responded smiling.
A/N: Sorry, it's taken so long to get this chapter up, as you could prolly tell, it was mostly a Sean based chapter with it spreading to what's going on with him. Next chapter is almost finished (I was writing both at once) it's going to be Ellie based, and spread a bit to what's going on at LVH and at Degrassi with people Ellie associates with (apart from Sean)...
thanks to those of you sticking with me...hopefully you'll still like me when things get more settled in...the way I'm planning things out, it might turn out to be a trilogy, but I'm not promising anything...
I hope ya'll enjoyed the lyrics, took me a while to find something good, went through my entire play list, phew...took me a while...
SFU aka Shit's Fucked Up byKicked in the Head
R/R, tell me what you really think of this chapter...and what you think'll be happening, I'm curious to see where I'm leading you all...and as much as I love the "loved the chapter, keep it up" type of reviews, it really doesn't help me much it trying to figure out what will keep you all interested.