Author's Note: Here it is - the follow-up story to "Fairy Tale Ending"! Many of you have been wondering what's going on with Squall at the end of that little ficlet, and this here fic answers those questions. So, enjoy! (And then go to my profile page and commission me. . .)
Disclaimer: Everyone knows I don't own Kingdom Hearts. Nor do I own the song "And So It Goes", by Billy Joel,which inspired the title and appears before the beginning of each chapter.
And So It Goes:
Part the First: "In Cautious Tones"
-I spoke to you in cautious tones. You answered me with no pretense. Still I feel I said to much. My silence is my self defense.-
Despite ardent self-protestations, he worried.
Why, after years of worry-free bliss, did he suddenly worry about Riku? Why did he, despite not wanting to, feel that there was legitimate reason and due cause to worry about Riku?
He and Riku were similar in some aspects, and Squall had the distinct impression that Riku, like himself, did not want pity and did not need anyone to worry about him. Riku was strong; he could pull himself up by his own bootstraps and start off again in about the same shape he was in to begin with. Squall was confident about that; their similarities were fairly evident, and Squall had always been able to survive on his own.
Survive. . .yes. . .but, perhaps, if someone had been there to worry about him, to let him know they were worried, then perhaps Squall wouldn't be the walled up, broken down, frozen wreck of a human being he was.
And maybe the parts of himself he saw in Riku were the cause of Squalls worrying. Maybe they were beginning to become too evident. Maybe Squall was worried about Riku because he saw that Riku was heading down a path he himself had traveled long ago.
"I can't do this anymore," Riku whispered, pushing a pile of string beans back and forth on his plate, watching the movement intently.
Squall glanced at him and furrowed his brows.
"Yes, you can," he assured the silver-haired boy.
Riku's fork clattered against his plate as he dropped the utensil and shot a not-even-half-hearted glare at his companion.
"I'm not as strong as you think I am, Squall," he said after a moment, "I'm not strong at all. He. . .Sora. . .Sora was always strong for me. I didn't need to be strong because he was always there, and now. . ."
Riku paused and Squall glanced away, staring at the wall to try to decrease the level of awkwardness.
"I don't know what to do, Squall," the boy continued, his voice surprisingly calm and steady, "I'm not. . .I can't. . .I don't know what to do."
Squall looked back at Riku and sighed, before staring at his almost empty plate.
"You'll figure something out," he muttered.
"No I won't," was Riku's nearly immediate response, "I'm not strong, Squall. I can't take care of myself – I've never had to. My mother did it for me and after she died Sora took over, and he never even let me try to care for myself. He was so good to me for so long, so perfect, and I went and ruined it all."
"He was the one who left you. How is any of this your fault?"
"Because he's Sora!" Riku spat. "He doesn't make mistakes! He hasn't changed one bit since the day I've met him – he's always been kind and sweet and loving, and I've always ruined everything I touched. And I ruined this. I don't know how I did, but if Sora doesn't love me anymore than it is my fault, not his. Never his. He doesn't make mistakes."
Squall was silent for a long moment as Riku hung his head and stared into his lap, and lookers on joined his staring, the crowd in the small diner they were in suddenly overwhelmingly interested in Riku's personal life.
"It's probably for the best that he left before I could ruin him."
The brunette froze and stifled a sigh. Riku was in even worse shape than Squall had suspected.
"You'll get through this," he grumbled, desperate to change the subject. He was neither fond of nor good at comforting others – even if, for whatever reason, he did worry about them.
Riku shook his head.
"I'm not like you," he whispered.
Scoffing, Squall concentrated on the check their waiter had just dropped off.
"It's for the best, kid," he muttered, rising and motioning for the silver-haired boy to follow him. The boy brushed past him and out the door quickly, and Squall was not sure what to make of this, but suspected that he had said something to offend Riku.
Before he could even begin to ponder what could have possibly done so, a voice, and a familiar one at that, called out, piercing the cold air with its sudden appearance.
"Riku?" it called, almost squeaking.
Riku froze and Squall could see a ghost of dread and a shadow of hope dance across his face briefly. The boy turned and swallowed hard.
"Sora?" he managed as his eyes landed on the small brunette standing in the middle of the sidewalk, looking positively awestruck. Squall was amazed by the fact that Riku's voice had been smooth, completely natural.
"What, what should I do? Squall?" Riku whispered frantically, his thumb and middle finger delicately and absentmindedly tugging on Squall's sleeve.
"Squall? I don't. . .what do I. . .?"
"Talk to him," Squall answered.
"I don't know if I can."
"You have to."
Riku pouted and, for a moment, looked pleadingly up at the older man, who raised an eyebrow in an attempt to persuade Riku to take his advice.
The boy sighed and turned back to Sora, his fingers pulling at Squall's sleeve sharply as they flew away. Squall flinched at the slight tug and the swift, soft brush of Riku's fingertips against his arm.
The two walked forward and Sora's eyes dropped quickly to the ground, watching his feet shift weight as if they were suddenly very entertaining.
"Hey," he whispered, his voice almost as thin and wavering as Riku's had been earlier that day.
"Hey," Riku replied. Squall nodded a greeting, noting that Riku seemed to be looking past Sora, rather than at him.
"How have you been?" the younger brunette continued.
"Good," Riku said after a short, almost un-noticeable struggle to get his throat working. "You?"
"Okay," Sora paused and quickly looked away, "I. . .I should go now. It was good to see you again," he whispered, obviously making an effort not to look Riku in the eye.
"Yeah. Yeah, same here," Riku murmured, his voice cracking a bit. He inched closer to Squall and rested his hand against Squall's abdomen. The touch was scorching and the boy's hand trembled, and so Squall dismissed the gesture as an unthinking action, produced by Riku's nerves. He'd probably just needed something sturdy to hold on to as his world finished sinking away, falling out from beneath his feet.
Riku watched Sora as the boy stood still, staring at his feet, just as he had been for some time now. Squall studied the silver-haired one's face and felt the continuing tremble of his hand. He needed to get Riku out of here.
Squall pulled Riku's hand away from his stomach, flinching as its warmth was replaced with cold air, and turned around, leading him back towards the car.
"Squall. . ." Riku rasped, almost sobbed, "Squall, he. . ."
The brunette opened the door to the passenger side of his car and ushered Riku in.
"I know," he said, shushing the boy softly, before making his way around the car and sliding into the driver's seat.
"He just walked away," Riku said, staring blankly ahead as the door clicked shut.
Squall carefully poured hot water into a large mug before placing a tea bag in it, allowing the small pouch to steep for a few moments. Leaning against the wall for a moment, he sighed and ran a hand through his thick, shaggy hair.
Riku hadn't spoken since he and Squall had gotten into the car after running into Sora. Clearly, the boy hadn't been ready for such an encounter, even if the breakup had been about two months ago. Squall had the sneaking suspicion that Riku would never fully heal.
But he could heal, somewhat, and it had to be soon. Riku's small chance of ever healing even at least a little was swiftly disappearing.
Squall pushed away from the wall and grabbed the mug, making his way to the living room, where Riku was sitting on the couch. The boy was slumped forward, head resting on his knees, and the brunette crossed to the couch and took a seat next to him, carefully setting the mug down on the coffee table.
Riku straightened quickly and turned away. He sniffed a few times, then fell silent, his shoulders trembling, the movement barely detectable.
Squall's mind searched for something to say, recalling that Riku had asked him to "just speak" earlier, and noting that the silence probably bothered Riku, who was used to the energy and volume of Sora.
But the silence was suddenly shattered by a strangled sort of half sob, and it actually surprised Squall, who reacted without thinking.
"Are you crying?" he asked, unable to stop his voice from conveying his surprise.
Riku still looked down, seeming almost defeated.
"Yes," he whispered, reaching up to wipe a tear away from his eyes. Allowing a sob to slip out, Riku continued to stare at the floor, and Squall reached over. He pulled the boy closer to him, shivering slightly as Riku buried his face in the crook of Squall's neck. His breath spread like wildfire, scorching and a little frightening, across the brunette's skin. The boy's hand clutched desperately at the fabric of Squall's shirt, and the brunette stroked his hair and whispered soft comforts, holding Riku tight to stop the shake of his shoulders.
After a moment Riku's sobbing hushed and he stilled, but he did not move away, despite the fact that Squall's arms had loosened, signaling that the younger man could decide what to do.
And turn fabric clutched in his hand was twisted about his fingers, the remained of the garment stretching slightly over Squall's broad chest, and Riku lifted his jewelry eyes to meet Squall's tempest gaze.
The boy's eyes shone, still wet with sorrow, and he blinked slowly, lips spreading into a small smile that had very little meaning.
"Thank you," he whispered, his fingertips drumming briefly on Squall's chest.
The brunette watched Riku's smile disappear, saw the serene sort of sorrowful acceptance creep into his bright eyes, and felt the almost desperate, and most definitely unintentional press of Riku's body against his own.
Silently, he cupped the boy's chin, tilting Riku's face up towards his own.
And then Squall kissed him.
Or maybe he kissed Squall. Neither was sure which it was, but neither cared as Riku clung to the brunette, pressing closer to him and twisting thick, chestnut locks in his hands.
Squall wrapped his arms more tightly around Riku's waist, who responded by parting his lips slightly, breathing out slowly against Squall's mouth. The brunette slipped his tongue past the soft swells of flesh, where it brushed quickly against Riku's.
The silver-haired boy sighed, eyes fluttering closed as he responded eagerly to Squall. He rose onto his knees, straddling the brunette's lap, and pulled sharply at the locks of hair entangled in his fingers, jerking Squall's head back. Leaning into the kiss, Riku pushed fiercely against Squall's tongue, running his own slowly along the roof of the brunette's mouth.
Squall flinched, a small tremor coursing through his frame, before grabbing the younger man's waist and pushing him down against the couch. He pulled away from the kiss and bent to nip lightly at the sweet flesh of Riku's slender neck.
The silver-haired boy gasped sharply and hissed in pain as he kept one hand tangled in Squall's hair and ran the other over the firm muscles of the brunette's back. Whimpering softly, he pulled Squall's face towards his own and pressed his lips firmly against those of the brunette.
Each parted their lips willingly, almost eagerly, and their tongues met, fervently searching the velvety caverns of each other's mouths, running over silky cheeks and ivory teeth as if they would suddenly slip away, dissolve into darkness. They clung to each other just as desperately, hands tangled in hair and pulling at shirts, straining the fabric almost to the point of ripping.
Riku's blunt nails dug into the Squall's back, raking across the firm muscles and smooth skin as he moaned softly into the kiss, rolling his hips upwards against the brunette's.
Instantly, Squall jerked away from the kiss, gazing curiously at the boy pinned beneath him. Riku was flushed and breathing hard, his lips bruised and swollen and his eyes shone darkly. His glittering silver locks fanned out against the smooth, dark fabric of the couch, and fell across his shoulders, brushing against the well defined line of his collar bone, which peeked out of his black button-up shirt. The top three buttons were undone. Squall didn't remember doing that.
Sighing heavily, he pushed himself away from Riku, leaning back against the couch, and ran his hands through his hair. The silver-haired boy next to him sat up, his slender fingers curling almost cautiously around Squall's arm. Riku's breathing was still deep and sporadic; his eyes still a hazy emerald rather than their usual bright, clear turquoise.
Placing his free hand on Squall's shoulder, Riku leaned over and planted a small kiss at the corner of the brunette's mouth. The warmth of his quick breath ghosted over Squall's lips, and the older of the two turned away.
As willing as Riku seemed to be, this was not right. Riku was still broken, he was still covered in raw, stinging wounds, and this would only tear off the scabs and rip open the scars.
"Squall," Riku whispered, nestling his face into Squall's neck and pressing his lips against the edge of the brunette's jaw. His tongue flicked out to briefly trace the smooth line and his fingers walked slowly, deliberately across Squall's collarbone, sweeping along the ridge and pulling at the fabric of his shirt.
Squall groaned silently, trying desperately not to concentrate on the soft pressure against his jaw. Or the hand wrapped around his arm. Or the pinpricks of warmth and pleasure that sprung up beneath Riku's roaming fingers.
"Squall," Riku whispered again, the 'l' lingering on his tongue, drawling and melting into a chilling, liquid sound.
"Riku," the brunette muttered, peeling the boy's hand away from his arm, "stop." His voice wavered and he inwardly frowned at the sound of it.
"This isn't right," he continued as Riku weaved his fingers into Squall's, grasping the brunette's hand.
"No. Please. I need this," Riku whispered, pressing his thumb into the older man's palm and sighing.
The brunette stiffened as Riku rested his head on his shoulder, bad remained silent. He wanted to move, to get up and walk away, he knew it was what should do, but his mind seemed more intent on concentrating on the thumb sketching invisible lines across his palm and the almost innocent rise and fall of the chest pressed against his own.
"Squall," Riku continued, practically whining and placing the brunette's hand on his hip. He lifted his head and planted a quick, cautious kiss on Squall's lips.
The brunette stiffened even more, but responded to the kiss, much to his dismay.
Riku's eyes searched his, fingertips continuing to trace the smooth lines of Squall's hand, who couldn't stop thinking about the way his name had fallen from the younger boy's lips.
He'd said it the way he said Sora's name; longingly, almost painfully, and desperately.
Sighing, Riku removed the hand keeping Squall's in place and stood slowly, silently starting to move away.
But as he stepped forward, Squall slipped a finger into the boy's belt-loop and pulled him backwards. His knees pressed against the brunette's and he regarded Squall, puzzled.
The brunette continued to lead Riku towards him, stopping only when the boy was forced into his lap once more. The air between them grew thick and heavy as they both hovered mere millimeters away from a kiss, hesitating, waiting. Neither dared to move, each gazing at the other expectantly as their breath and pulse quickened in anticipation.
Finally, Riku lifted a hand to cup Squall's cheek, and the brunette captured Riku's lips with his own in a sharp shock of contact. The boy recoiled slightly as their tongues met, and Squall trailed his fingers along the boy's spine, coaxing him into leaning forward.
Humming contentedly, Riku wrapped his arms around Squall's neck, his eyes slipping closed, and the brunette slid his hands up the boy's side, skimming over the fabric of his shirt. His tongue moved slowly against Riku's, gently persuading him to respond with long, slow strokes of his own.
Hands moving to rest on Squall's chest, Riku deepened the kiss, pushing against the brunette's warm body, and slowly fanned out his fingers. His hands slipped up the brunette's broad chest and skimmed over his shoulders, traveling down his arms and grasping his hands. Carefully, he stood and pulled Squall up with him, stepping slowly backwards as the latter nipped lightly at his lip.
They paused a moment as Squall released the soft swell of flesh and Riku's tongue flicked out to ease the pain. The silver-haired boy gasped for breath before grabbing Squall's face, rising on tiptoes to meet the older man's lips. He swept his tongue about the crevices and hollows of Squall's mouth feverishly as the brunette fought back, pushing Riku down the hall.
As their tongues dueled, each struggling for dominance, the two walked carefully backwards, bodies still pressed together and fingers intertwined. They staggered slightly, veering off towards the wall, and Riku's step faltered and he stumbled back while desperately trying not to break the kiss.
Wrapping an arm around Riku's waist, Squall hoisted the boy towards him, gaining easier access to the kiss and forcing Riku to relinquish the fight for dominance. The boy locked his feet behind Squall's back, his legs hugging the brunette's waist, and grunted and gasped in pain as Squall pushed him against the wall. Leaving one hand against the wall, Squall pulled away from the kiss, a small stream of saliva trailing in the air between him and Riku. He slipped a hand between them, fingers working quickly at the remaining buttons of Riku's shirt and pushed the garment off to rest pinned against the wall.
The boy bent his head back as Squall trailed kisses down the smooth, graceful lines of his neck, nipping and suckling at the pale, sweet skin. He moved his hand to Riku's waist as the boy gripped his shoulders, and rolled his hips forward, grinding them against Riku's arousal. The silver-haired boy gasped sharply, tightening his hold on Squall's shoulders.
The brunette repeated the action, and Riku lifted his hips away from the wall to meet Squall's and released a shoulder to tangle his hand in thick hair.
Their lips met again, barely waiting for contact before parting to accommodate hungry tongues. They consumed each other, fingers grabbing, pulling and roaming, tongues twisting and tangled, and breath escaping in hot bursts and low, hushed moans. The seams of Squall's shirt strained against each other as Riku pulled at the fabric and squirmed against the wall, desperate to rid himself and Squall of all remaining inhibitions.
So, with a throaty growl, he pushed forward, away from the wall, his shirt finally slipping to the ground as Squall staggered before quickly regaining balance. He stepped to the side and Riku reached behind him, groping for a doorknob and pushing the door open once he'd found it. The pair stumbled into the room and Squall opened one eye to peer at his surroundings.
They were in what had once been Sora's room.
But Riku didn't seem to notice, and through the heat and haze, Squall couldn't find any part of him that cared.
He pushed Riku backwards onto the bed and the silver-haired one pulled Squall's shirt off as he fell, tossing it to the side as the brunette kneeled above him, bending to once again capture Riku's lips.
Their kisses were quick and wet, as both were breathing heavily and their blood was racing too hot and too fast for them to care about the saliva that trickled from the corners of their mouths.
Riku's hands skimmed almost possessively over Squall's chest, his fingertips burning trails into the elder's skin as Riku gladly drowned in the new sensation, fingers sliding and soaking up the small, scattered drops of sweat that were beading there.
None of this was familiar, none of it safe. This was something forbidden; this was not at all like Sora.
Which was exactly what Riku needed right now.
Not Sora.
Sora had been soft, warm, and tender and caring. Squall was firm and strong, and more than warm. Squall was scalding, his touch burned away all of Riku's doubts, setting fire to his sorrow and insecurities, and they fell away, ash white, to rest on the floor of what was no longer Sora's room. His lips and breath flamed against Riku's skin, leaving it to smolder as the younger breathed his own heavy, fiery breaths.
Riku's hands continued roaming as Squall trailed kisses down his abdomen and something once sleeping rumbled inside him, begging for exposure and attention. It did not want what only Sora could give it; it wanted something more primal, something wilder and stronger.
And Squall did not hesitate to respond to it as Riku released a throaty growl, which echoed that no longer slumbering need. His fingers dipped beneath the waist of Riku's jeans, tips whispering across his abdomen before expertly un-working the button and zipper. The silver-haired boy's remaining garments were quickly disposed of as he worked his fingers into Squall's thick hair, pulling him up for another kiss.
Riku fumbled with the brunette's pants, all hot, moist breath and hooded eyes, and too distracted to know what he was doing. Finally, Squall helped the process along and the world exploded in white heat as Riku slid into his lap and they came together.
All was lost in that flash of light except the two of them and that wild something, which had escaped and ran in beads of sweat across flushed skin and flew through the thick, heavy air in gasps and moans.
Until suddenly it all came crashing back down around them and Riku slumped forward, his slick skin sliding against Squall's as the brunette embraced him. Squall watched as Riku's eyes slipped closed and the boy sighed contentedly. For a long while both remained silent, and Squall felt Riku's breathing slow and his flushed skin cool. The silver-haired boy's hands were resting on his companion's chest, and his index and middle fingers began to tap against the firm muscles in time with Squall's heartbeat. The brunette concentrated weakly on the rhythm until it ceased.
"Squall," Riku whispered, "promise you'll never leave me?"
Squall hesitated, slowly trailing his fingers through Riku's hair.
"You know I can't do that," he replied.
"I know. But. . .just say it anyway?"
The brunette remained silent, contemplating how to handle this delicate situation. He would not make empty promises. . .
But then again, Riku would never really be his to leave.
"I promise."