Collision Course

PART SIX

Blair woke up needing go the bathroom. On auto pilot and not quite awake, he steered himself to the bathroom -on his return noticed a shape at the window. Startled he said, "That you, Jim?"

"Yes."

"Time is it?"

"0350, Sandburg."

"Um, what are you doing up?"

"Thinking."

"Oh...should I be worried?"

"Maybe."

'Ah.'

"Chief do you think I've lost it?"

"No. Come on; let's sit down for a bit. I'll go get a sweater." Jim sat on the couch.

"Jim, you need to remember what's been going on."

"Why? I can't change anything."

"No, but its affecting you now for some reason. You've been hurt before, right?"

"Yes."

"Look, there has to be some other factors involved here. You keep mentioning blood and oil."

"Did I?"

"Yes. Simon told me what you said in the hospital the first time."

"I don't remember."

"Jim."

"It's the truth."

"I'm trying to help you here."

"I know... it's just hard you know."

"These flashbacks- have you had them before?"

"Not for a long time. When I was with Caroline…a few things happened."

"Is it about what happened to you in Peru?"

"Sometimes." He put his head in his hands.

"Jim, are you ok?"

He laughed hollowly.

Silence

"What's the date today, chief?"

"Ah, the 19th march. What has that to do with anything?"

"The day I got hit by the car was the 14th."

More silence.

"Jim, I don't know what you're trying to tell me here. Talk to me."

"It was the anniversary of the Huey going down in Peru."

"Oh. I should have known that."

"Why, Sandburg?"

"Because it's important to you."

"Hmm."

"I remember now! Simon said you asked for some time off. He was surprised you answered the APB on the scanner that day."

"I was in the area; I needed to do something, to get something right."

"What do you mean? Where were you before Jim? What did you do?"

"Caroline never understood- she thought I was morbid…"

"Jim," said Blair frustrated.

"Simon doesn't know where I went, I never told anyone. Caroline followed me one year. We had a huge row over it."

"About what, Jim? You're not making sense."

"I had to go somewhere, but it's always been a substitute."

"Where, for Christ's sake. Jim. Just tell me. Say it."

"The cemetery. The police memorial site."

"At the … cemetery?" Jim couldn't speak only nod.

"Jim, have you done this every year?" He nodded again.

"Why don't you go Arlington or wherever?"

"Because the guys aren't there, they're at Fort Benning, Georgia, at the Ranger memorial."

"I don't understand-you haven't been there? I know it's a long way from here, but, Jim, it's been a few years."

"No, I haven't been. I needed distance when I got out of the army, and the families hadn't got the stones done yet. So I waited. Then I was here and busy, and I couldn't bear to go back. But I needed to do something, so one year I found myself at the cemetery here, and it seemed to work. So I've done it ever since," He trailed off.

Blair tried to digest this huge thing Jim had told him. He really appreciated that Jim had finally told him. And, yes, it was a bit weird.

He thought about what to say next because it was very important that it come out right.

"Jim, I think you've coped amazingly well with all that life has thrown at you. But it hasn't done you any favors either. All your life you seemed to be pretending to be 'normal' or being spooky army guy. You must have seen and done lots of things I don't want you to ever tell me about. But Peru, you told me about that, you thought you were betrayed, your men died. But you never crawled around the floor looking for your dog tags before. That scared me, Jim. And it ought to scare you. There's stuff you've buried so deep. You never dealt with it. You shoved it in a box and nailed on the lid. Well, guess what? The lids' popped off! And it's messing you up big time."

Blair ground to a halt. Jim looked at him and then got up and went back to the windows and stared out.

"I think its smell I'm remembering. Blood and oil. It was the first thing I remember… "said Jim wearily.

"Well, from what Simon says, that fits with your accident too, and what you said here. You didn't like the sound of a chopper going over head one night either."

"I guess so. Sometimes I remember bits and pieces. It was chaotic, my men were badly hurt. I tried so hard and I was hurt too, but nothing I did worked! I was the medic! I lost them! And then I just carried on with the mission cause that's what we do!" said Jim almost shouting now.

"I'm sure you did all you could, given the circumstances. You never give anything but your best; your men knew that too, I'm sure. And you carried on like they'd have wanted. But they are gone; you don't want to be lost too. I'm not saying you should forget, but you need to remember in a healthy way."

"You want me to go and talk to a shrink, is that it? I can't talk to the police department one, and I'm not going back to the army. They put me through the wringer the first time."

"Well, would you talk to me?"

"I don't think I have any other options, do I?"

"I know it's a cliché, but I really think that you need to go to Fort Benning and see the stones, memorial-whatever they've done-do things properly. You need closure, or this might happen again. You were obviously thinking about what happened all day long before the car hit you. The concussion stirred things up a bit. Your accident was a stupid thing, you had no control and you're angry. You had a wake up call, that's all."

Silence again. Jim rested his forehead against the cool glass. Blair waited, and just as he thought that was it and he'd go back to bed – Jim spoke.

"Would you…" he cleared his throat and spoke up. "Blair- would you go with me to Georgia?" he asked.

Blair got up from the chair and went over to the window; Jim still had his eyes closed. He put his hand on Jim's shoulder, the tense muscles jerked and then relaxed. Jim opened his eyes at the soothing touch of his Guide, and the familiar heartbeat. It was still real, he hadn't imagined the conversation. Blair hadn't answered his question though.

"I mean if I can get some time off. Maybe you'll be busy at the university…" he started to back pedal.

"Jim. Slow down. Hey, the army! Another closed society to examine!"

"Chief!"

"I'd be honoured to go with you, Jim. I'm sure we can fix it to go. You have to go. This isn't over, it's a start."

"Oh. Then that's settled then. I'm going to bed now."

"Night, Jim," replied Blair as Jim headed up the stairs.

"Thanks, Sandburg…for listening."

"Anytime, and… sweet dreams, Jim."

The end